Girly Edition

Homer:D'oh!

Mr. Burns:You're hired!

Job Applicant:But sir, you haven't even looked at my resume.

Mr. Burns:Resume? I don't need a resume. You have a pulse, don't you?

Job Applicant:Well, yes...

Mr. Burns:Then you're overqualified. When can you start?

Homer:I'm on fire! I'm on fire!

Chief Wiggum:Congratulations on your new job at the power plant, Homer. You're hired!

Homer:I quit.

Bart:Wow, they've been doing the same gag for thirty years.

Lisa:And they'll probably do it for thirty more.

Bart:Yeah, but will it still be funny?

Lisa:It's not funny now.

Bart:Well, you learn that if someone tries to kill you, you should kill them back. And if that doesn't work, use a gun.

TV Executive:Obviously commercial show masquerading as education

Krusty:We got the best writers in the business, a top-notch cast, nap time, and we keep the show tight and fast-moving.

Krusty:Cut 10 minutes? Are you crazy? 20 minutes is considered 'lean' for a hobo parade!

Willie:Och, would ye look at that! The most beautiful pile o' leaves I've ever laid me eyes on. It's like a masterpiece of nature, it is!

Bart:Alright, Milhouse, I'm going down this hill on my skateboard.

Milhouse:You're gonna eat pavement, dude.

Bart:Wanna bet?

Milhouse:Yeah! Five bucks says you break something!

Bart:You're on!

Willie:Me leaves! Me beautiful leaves! Gone! All gone! *wails* Och, why must ye mock me so, ye heartless demons?! I spent three weeks gatherin' those leaves, three weeks! And now they're scattered to the four winds like me hopes and dreams!

Willie:These leaves were me life! Me purpose! Without them, what am I? Just an old groundskeeper with nothin' but the cold Scottish wind and the memory of what once was!

Willie:Ach, a skateboard! Just what I needed to fix the roof!

Willie:I'll use it as a ramp to get up there faster.

Willie:Aye, what is it? I can nae hear ye over me bagpipes!

Kids:Mr. Willie, we need to talk to you!

Willie:*plays bagpipes loudly* EH? WHAT'S THAT YE SAY?

Lisa:This just in: local girl Lisa Simpson has been selected as anchor. She appears happy.

Principal Seymour Skinner:Lisa, you've been selected for a very special honor.

Lisa Simpson:Let me guess: you're finally going to tell me I'm adopted.

Principal Seymour Skinner:Lisa, I'm promoting you to hall monitor.

Lisa Simpson:Thank you, Principal Skinner! Does this mean I'm also being demoted from hall monitor?

Willie:Help! I'm trapped under all these leaves!

Willie:Wait a minute... if I just eat my way through them, I'll be free!

Willie:Ach! Me shack! She's beautiful!

Willie:Ye destroyed me shack, ye little vandal!

Bart:Wow, thanks Willie. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Marge:Oh Lisa, I'm so proud of your academic achievement!

Homer:Yeah, all that grade-grubbing is really paying off.

Lisa:Well, he has a proven track record of intimidation, and frankly, our romantic history gives him unique insight into the human condition.

Bart:Mom!

Lisa:Mom!

Maggie:Mom!

Marge:I'm sorry, I've developed an immunity to that word.

Apu:I needed a helper monkey to assist me at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Apu:But he became very violent. He attacked customers, destroyed merchandise, and bit off my finger.

Bart:Ay caramba, they're filming me!

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Bart:Ah, Miss Simpson. I've been expecting you. You see, I have a doomsday device that will destroy Springfield unless you give me all your saxophone reeds.

Lisa:That's a creative plan, Bart, but as the responsible one in this house, I'm confiscating that device. Now go do your homework.

Bart:No! My evil scheme! Foiled again!

Kent Brockman:Well children, remember, you can achieve anything if you just believe in yourself and work hard!

Kent Brockman:Now get me a sandwich, you little bastards!

Homer:A seeing-eye dog? What good is that? Can he do any tricks?

Other Character:Well, he helps blind people navigate and stay safe.

Homer:Yeah, but can he fetch? Can he play dead? Boring!

Homer:Well, I'm not handicapped, if that's what you mean. I'm just lazy.

Homer:Wait, animals are for the enfeebled? So you're saying if I got a helper monkey, people would think I'm weak?

Homer:That's it! I'm getting Bart a helper monkey!

Homer:Mmm... monkey.

Lisa:The library budget has been cut by 50%. We've lost half our books, our computers, and worst of all, our librarian.

Bart:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You lost half your books? Sweet! That means less reading.

Bart:You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, but you also can't make a football without a mongoose.

Bart:Man, you should've seen it! I totally decked this kid with a slingshot!

Principal Seymour Skinner:A slingshot? That's a serious violation of Springfield Elementary's weapons policy.

Bart:But Mr. Principal, it's not a weapon—it's sports equipment!

Principal Seymour Skinner:I'm afraid that makes it worse. Unsanctioned sports equipment is grounds for suspension.

TV Executive:Your brother has a certain... how do I put this... pizzazz. A certain je ne sais quoi. He's got that special something that makes people want to watch him.

Lisa:You mean like actual talent?

TV Executive:No, no, no. I'm talking about star quality. Magnetism. That intangible X-factor that can't be taught or learned.

Lisa:So you're just making up words now.

TV Executive:Exactly! He's got that va-va-voom. That razzle-dazzle. That... uh... schwing!

Lisa:Bart, you're not the brightest bulb in the fountain.

Bart:What does that even mean?

Lisa:Exactly my point.

Lisa:Bart is an underachiever and I don't think he's going to change.

TV Executive:Hey, hey. We can dumb it down for TV.

Lisa:Bart is such an idiot. I don't know how he even remembers to breathe.

Bart:Hey! I'm standing right here!

Lisa:Oh... I didn't see you there.

Bart:Yeah, well, maybe I'm not as dumb as you think. Did you ever consider that?

Lisa:No, not really.

Marge:Homer, there's a monkey in the house!

Homer:So? We've had worse. Remember that time Barney lived in our basement?

Marge:This is a wild animal!

Homer:Marge, relax. I'll just add it to the chore list. Bart feeds the monkey on Tuesdays, Lisa on Thursdays.

Marge:That monkey is filthy!

Homer:So?

Marge:So? Homer, he's been preparing our food!

Homer:Marge, he's just a little dirty. What's the worst that could happen?

Bart:Alright, I'm gonna read some serious news and be informed like a responsible citizen.

Bart:Nah, forget it. Comics!

Bart:Ooh, 'Radioactive Man.' Now that's wholesome.

Bart:Man, this news stuff is hard. Why can't they just show me pictures like in the comics?

Homer:Comics? Bart, you gotta read the real news.

Bart:But Dad, all these big words... 'economy,' 'infrastructure,' 'geopolitical.'

Homer:Yeah, yeah, just skip to the pictures.

Bart:There ARE no pictures, man!

Homer:Then what's the point?

Bart:Am I dumb?

Marge:What? Oh, honey, of course not. You're just... Oh my God, a monkey just bit off Mr. Burns' arm!

Bart:You know, Mr. Brockman, Lisa and I have this sibling rivalry thing going on.

Kent Brockman:Sibling rivalry? Ha! Well, let me tell you something, boy. I know all about professional jealousy. Why, just the other day, I saw Bud Fox at the grocery store, and you know what I did? I took a different aisle! That's right — avoided him completely. Because that's what professionals do.

Kent Brockman:And this is my prestigious journalism award from a canned food company.

Kent Brockman:Now, I'll demonstrate the human interest story technique. Notice how I use dramatic pauses and emotional language to transform a mundane event into compelling television.

Kent Brockman:A gentle carousel spins lazily in the afternoon sun. Children laugh. But do they laugh with joy... or does their laughter mask a deeper sadness? As the painted horses rise and fall, we must ask ourselves: what is the true cost of innocence?

Kent Brockman:A Springfield landmark is coming down. The beautiful carousel, destroyed to make way for the future.

Kent Brockman:And that future is... a Blockbuster Video.

Homer:Where is that monkey? I've been looking all over for him!

Marge:Homer, he's marked his territory. He urinated all over the couch to claim it as his own.

Homer:Oh. Well, that explains the smell.

Bart:We interrupt this program to bring you this special report. Several ducks have gone missing from the local pond, and they are considered armed and extremely dangerous.

Bart:If you spot any of these ducks, do not approach them. Instead, call the police, or better yet, Canada. And if they're in Toronto, call Canada AND the United States.

Mr. Burns:Did I kill those ducks?

Smithers:Yes, sir. You did.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I'm pleased to learn I've destroyed the local duck population. Excellent work.

Smithers:Sir, I had nothing to do with it.

Mr. Burns:Well then, who deserves the credit? I want to thank them properly.

Lisa:Wait a minute. This is just emotional manipulation designed to distract from the real issues.

Bart:But Lisa, the duck—

Lisa:It's a classic misdirection tactic. You're using pathos to bypass critical thinking.

Kent Brockman:I'd love to shed a tear for you, but as you can see, my cosmetic surgery went terribly wrong.

Kent Brockman:Hello there, Lisa Simpson. Or should I say... Lisa Simpleton!

Lisa:It's Simpson, actually.

Kent Brockman:Yes, yes, but Simpleton is such an improvement. It really captures your... well, let's just say it's more accurate.

Lisa:I'm going to pump this audience full of sap.

Lisa:They'll be crying like babies by the end of my presentation.

Lisa:Can you be crazy?

Cat Lady:Meow meow meow! Hiss! *throws cat* Here kitty, here kitty!

Zookeeper:We need a helper to work with our monkey.

Homer:I'll do it!

Zookeeper:Great! Just stand over there and assist.

Homer:You got it, boss.

Homer:Here, monkey, let me help you with that.

Monkey:*throws something*

Homer:Whoa! I'm helping!

Bart:One flag had a Guess jeans logo on it.

Lisa:But Bart, there's already a Veterans Day.

Bart:Yeah, but nobody celebrates it. If we call it 'Starland Vocal Band Day,' people will actually show up.

Lisa:Actually, veterans have two holidays: Veterans Day and Memorial Day.

Bart:Well, if we're just making stuff up, I move that we add Cowabunga Day, Eat All the Donuts Day, and No Homework Forever Day.

Bart:Yeah, well... shut up.

Bart:Eat my shorts.

Lisa:You don't care about people, Bart.

Bart:That's not true. I care so much, it's my greatest weakness.

Marge:Oh no, the helper monkey looks so unhealthy!

Homer:Yeah, all those donuts and beer aren't good for him.

Marge:Homer, that's what you've been feeding him?

Homer:What? He's a monkey. He should eat like a monkey... who lives with me.

Mojo:Pray... for... Mojo.

Lisa:Nelson, can you cover for the technical difficulties?

Nelson:Ha-ha! *makes fart noises*

Willie:Come out, come out, wherever ye are, laddie!

Willie:I promise I won't hurt ye... *shifts to high-pitched voice* It's me, yer wee pal Barty! Let's go get some candy and ride our bicycles!

Willie:*drops voice back to normal* Now get yer backside out here before I really lose me temper!

Lisa:Mr. Willie, Bart isn't a monster. He's just a boy who needs guidance and understanding.

Willie:Aye, but ye cannae control what ye dinnae understand, lass.

Lisa:That's exactly the problem with society. We're all like villagers with torches, ready to destroy anything that scares us instead of trying to help it.

Willie:So what're ye sayin'?

Lisa:I'm saying the real monsters are created by fear and neglect, not born that way.

Lisa:We all have a responsibility to society. Each of us must do our part to make the world a better place.

Willie:Och, ye're right! It's all ma fault! I should've been workin' harder on the school grounds. I'm a failure!

Lisa:No, Willie, that's not what I meant at all.

Willie:Nae, nae, I see it now. The world's problems? That's on me, laddie. I'll do better, I swear on me haggis!

Chocobot Character:Blatant product placement disguised as dialogue