Treehouse Of Horror Xvii

Crypt Keeper:Hello, boils and ghouls. I am the crypt-keeper, or should I say master of scare-i-monies?

Assistant · Third Character:Priceless, sir. You made the word 'ceremonies' frightening. I know what I did. Hey, can we get going here? Listening to you two is more torture than the torture.

Torture Victim:Actually, no, this is worse. Although the right nipple spike seems a little dull.

Character:Whoa, look at that! My blood's a genius. Fancy Roman numerals and everything.

Teen Couple:Whoa! That almost tore my head off. Oh, you always find an excuse not to make out.

Homer:Whoo! A space marshmallow.

Lisa · Homer:Dad, no! It could teach us the secret of interstellar travel. If he's so smart, how come he can't stay out of my mouth?

Marge · Homer:How could you eat that goo? You don't know what galaxy it's from. Marge, I ate it. It's over.

Homer:If I can keep down Arby's, I can keep down you.

Homer/Blob:Must eat, then poop, then eat some more, then eat while pooping.

Homer · Bart:Still hungry. Dad? Son, let me have a lick at you.

Marge · Homer:Homer! You won't eat my stuffed peppers, but you'll eat our son? Nag, nag, nag.

Character · Homer:Is that the cat? Uh, no, just gas.

Homer/Blob:No, today's teens have enough problems without me eating them.

Homer · Victim:The flames are sealing in my juices. I'll savor you.

Homer:Mmm. Extra-virgin.

Teen · Girl:Tell my friends I died kissing a girl! No.

German Tourist:What did we Germans ever do to deserve this? Oh, right.

Homer:I like big guts and I cannot lie / Double chins with the chafing thighs / When a dude walks in with the hanging jowls / My stomach starts to growl--I'm gettin' hungry

News Reporter:It's blob rule on the streets of Springfield. And to make matters worse, we're also being attacked by a 50-foot Lenny.

Lenny · Carl:Everyone's paying attention to Homer. I still like you. Thanks, Invisible Carl.

Ned:Hi-de-ho, Bloborino.

Dr. Phil · Homer:Dr. Phil McGraw! You've got a weight problem, and you know it. You're right. Starting tomorrow, no bread before dinner.

Dr. Phil · Character:Homer, don't sell me an outhouse and tell me it's the Taj Mahal. Yeah, Homer, stop doing that.

Marge · Homer:I have to be honest with you: I can't love a 4,000-ton cannibal. What happened to 'for better or for worse?!'

Character · Homer:Dad, you're eating Dr. Phil. It's amazing. He tastes just like Jeffrey Tambor.

Character:You gotta know when to golem

Krusty:Finally, I'd like to announce that starting Monday, this show will be broadcast in HDTV. Here's how I'll look. Heh? That's right: look at your hero!

Character · Bart:Aren't you coming, Bart? Nah, I'm gonna go backstage and complain. This Krusty Brand alarm clock sprays acid in your face.

Bart:Cool! It's that clown car all those midgets drowned in.

Krusty:Legendary defender of the Jewish people, like Alan Dershowitz, but with a conscience.

Krusty:I kid Alan. We're friends.

Krusty · Audience Member:So the wife says, 'I don't have to pay for it. I put it on my charge plate.' You suck, clown! You made my lady cry!

Krusty:I'm gonna need a shoebox full of blow to get through this dreck.

Homer · Bart:Bart, there's something I have to tell you father to son. I passed out on your turtle and killed it. Someday you'll thank me.

Bart:Can't you read my writing? I didn't say kick Homer's 'walls'.

Bully · Bart:Yo, Simpson. Give us your lunch money. Mmm... I don't think so. In fact, why don't you give me your lunch money?

Bart · Milhouse:Finally, someone who does whatever I say. Hey, Bart, I shaved my head like you told me. Get lost. Yes, Master.

Lisa · Bart:Did your mystical Jewish monster beat up those bullies? Oh, it's always the Jews' fault.

Golem:Finally, I can talk! This is the voice I've got? Sounds like I should be selling egg creams in Brighton Beach.

Krusty:That's what we call Jewish humor. You don't have to understand it 'cause the words sound funny. Meshuggeneh. Hilarious.

Golem:Of course I feel bad. My stomach feels like it's hosting the Chabad telethon and Norm Crosby's going long.

Golem:'Kill the czar'? Now that's an old one.

Character · Willie:Skinner! I wish we'd been closer. Get him out of here, Willie. You'll make better mulch than you did a man.

Skinner:I may be bifurcated, but I still have feelings.

Golem:I feel so guilty. I've mangled and maimed 37 people and I told a telemarketer I was busy when I wasn't. I'm not a good man.

Character · Character:He sure is neurotic for a monster. The cure to any man's problems is a good relationship. Yeah, get him a woman. That'll end his misery.

Golem:The surprise would be if I found some good live theater in this town. Then people could have some drinks, watch Fiddler. Very nice.

Selma:Ugh! What's with this outfit? It looks like a lion ate a parrot and then threw up.

Chief Wiggum · Character:Not so fast. You're wanted for the murder of Seymour Skinner. Oh, come on, Chief. We've got a lat kebar downstairs. Latkes? What the hell are those? They're pan-fried... Case dismissed.

Character · Character:I don't get it. What's so 'Great' about this Depression? Well, I like how everything's sepia-toned. Makes me feel all nostalgic.

Old Character · Other Character:I never thought it would come to this when I fought in the first World War. First World War? Why you keep callin' it that? Oh, you'll see.

Homer · Older character:First World War? Why you keep callin' it that? / Oh, you'll see.

Character:So, it's a war of the worlds. Good thing we got the sun on our side.

Chief · Officer:Okay, boys, we're under attack. Let's drive 'em out of town the way we did with the Irish. Hey, I'm Irish. Oh, wait, I'm Polish.

Radio Reporter:Now they're riding horses in the rain. Now they're playing the xylophone while bowling near an airport.

Orson Welles:Well, I just hope our saucy little radio prank will give these 'folks,' as you call them, a giggle, a gasp, and provide a good lead-in for Misters Amos and Andy.

Character · Character:Wait, did you get my sweater out of the front seat? Uh, yeah. Well, where is it? I'll go get it.

Character · Character:Wait, I have an idea. The Martians are only killing humans, so we should pretend to be animals. Ingenious. Everyone, remove your clothes and wallow in filth.

Lisa · Character:Martians? You do know that radio broadcast was a hoax? Yeah, it was an Orson Welles radio play of War of the Worlds.

Kang:Foolish Earthlings. Now is the perfect time to strike. They'll think it's another hoax.

Chief Wiggum · Orson Welles:How's it feel when the hoax is on the other foot? I must admit it's unpleasant.

Character · Chief Wiggum:You fool. You've doomed us all. Eh, tell it to the Great Gildersleeve.

Kang · Kodos:You said we'd be greeted as liberators. Don't worry. We still have the people's hearts and minds. I don't know. I'm starting to think 'Operation: Enduring Occupation' was a bad idea.

Kang · Kodos:We had to invade. They were working on weapons of mass disintegration. Sure they were.