Marge reads Homer's carpentry books and becomes very handy at fixing things. Gender bias keeps the townspeople from accepting a female carpenter, so Marge pretends that Homer does the work. Meanwhile, Bart torments Skinner when he learns the principal has an extreme allergy to peanuts.
WAR
45.9
Wins Above Replacement
“Please Homer Dont Hammer Em” ranks #199 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 80.1 — Elite. The episode packs 62 scored jokes at 3.9 per minute, averaging 6.9 on craft and 6.6 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
Get weekly comedy rankings
Join comedy fans getting new analyses, score drops, and the funniest moments each week. Free, no spam.
Top Jokes
Bart: I... was... El Barto.
Bart Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Homer: You'll be married to some kind of gay jelly, floating outside the Florida Keys, cruising for rich snorkelers.
Homer Absurdist Escalation ★ Rewatch Principal Skinner: My allergy is so sensitive, a single molecule would make my throat close like a museum at 4:45.
Marge: Homer, your butt just gave me a brilliant idea!
Marge Callback Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Woman: I'm supposed to stand in your store window and breast-feed Bilbo Baggins.
Woman Absurdist Visual Gag ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 62 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer: Yeah, hasn't been the same since they murdered the Mayor's dad here.
Homer Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Homer: Now it's a collection of candle kiosks and Persian CD stores
Homer Observational Absurdist Persian CD Store Owner: Is like Bruce Springsteen the Boss, ya?
Persian CD Store Owner · Homer: If you buy now, I give you, uh, toothache cream. / Deal!
Bart: These games are so old. Who got these high scores? Pilgrims?
Bart Observational Absurdist Homer: Now my ship is pooping more triangles.
Homer Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Homer: Don't tell me how many times to think!
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Homer: This doesn't taste like I thought it would.
Homer Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Homer: We already own a book.
Homer Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Marge: Redheaded twins? Their mother must have her hands full.
Marge Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: This doesn't look easy, but I'll bet it is.
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Homer: Blah, blah, blah... Okay, now you do me.
Homer Visual Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Lisa: There were eels in the photo booth.
Bart: A fire? I didn't start a fire in the teachers' lounge. I mean, what fire?
Bart Character Comedy Escalation Marge: Good grief, more peanuts!
TV Announcer: And the Pecker Brothers, Danny and Dell!
Homer: We are worse than the ancient Romans!
Homer Observational Character Comedy Homer: What's the point? We're all slowly dying.
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Homer: What's that strange feeling? It's 'of accomplishment'!
Homer Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Bart: It's like you're the Jesus of carpentry.
Bart Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Marge: Aww, what a sweet blasphemy.
Marge Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Marge: I'm already arranging the clip art for the letterhead in my mind.
Marge Character Comedy Observational Male Client: I have some pictures hanging that you might find, um... unsavory.
Male Client: What if you get pregnant and I'm left with half a hot tub? And don't tell me you're infertile. I ain't falling for that again.
Marge: I guess people just expect their carpenter to be some fat guy with his butt crack showing.
Marge Observational Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Marge: Homer, your butt just gave me a brilliant idea!
Marge Callback Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Homer: Why don't you go inside and stir your flubber while I get to work?
Homer Character Comedy Observational Elderly Client: I thought I heard the sound of a woman measuring.
Homer: Measure like a girl, hammer like a guy.
Homer Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Homer: Hammer with the wood and it's all good.
Homer Wordplay/Pun Escalation Marge: A dash of glue, a turn of screw, and a gazebo's built that's perfect for two... or more.
Marge Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Elderly Client: I'd have this gazebo torn down and built into a coffin... for your manhood.
Homer: Like all manly men, I have a vivid imagination.
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Elderly Client: Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.
Nelson: Oh, why should we have to give up our salty snacks just to keep one allergic kid from exploding?
Nelson Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Milhouse: I'm only allergic to honey, wheat, dairy, non-dairy, and my own tears.
Milhouse Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Willie: A principal can be a man or a woman these days.
Willie Misdirection Character Comedy Willie: Just like the English took our sheep and our women in 1291. Then, they sent them back, which was worse!
Willie Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Principal Skinner: My allergy is so sensitive, a single molecule would make my throat close like a museum at 4:45.
Helen Lovejoy: You provide food and sexual release for your handy husband.
Homer: I sat on it so much it's a little sore.
Homer Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Homer: You'll be married to some kind of gay jelly, floating outside the Florida Keys, cruising for rich snorkelers.
Homer Absurdist Escalation ★ Rewatch Lisa: Yes, you might say he'll 'blow up.'
Lisa Wordplay/Pun Misdirection ★ Rewatch Callback Bart: You might say it drives me nuts.
Bart Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Carl: Maybe finally shut him up about the high price of cornmeal.
Carl Character Comedy Observational Homer: Who do you think would help me, my wife?
Homer Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Carl: The only thing women can build is credit card debt.
Carl Observational Character Comedy Marge: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, infinity.
Marge Character Comedy Escalation Homer: We need to replace them with kick-ass going-down parts.
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist Homer: What are struts?! Oh, I don't know anything about struts.
Homer Character Comedy Escalation Construction Worker: This guy's all bubble and no level.
Woman: I'm supposed to stand in your store window and breast-feed Bilbo Baggins.
Woman Absurdist Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Comic Book Guy: Your cowering suggests that Bart has found your kryptonite.
Comic Book Guy: The 'ite' suffix suggests a mineral.
Comic Book Guy: Perhaps. But for now, you may suckle your Baggins.
Homer: To Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day.
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Principal Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long.
Bart: I... was... El Barto.
Bart Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Man: you won't get married on The Pharaoh's Curse.
Man Escalation Observational Homer: that I'm perfect and everything I touch is perfect!
Homer Character Comedy Escalation Marge: He'll never hear me say 'I told you so!'
Marge Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Top Episodes — The Simpsons
