When Homer's bed-wetting worsens, his family tries to infiltrate his dreams to find the source of the problem.
WAR
38.7
Wins Above Replacement
“How I Wet Your Mother” ranks #317 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 77.5 — Great. The episode packs 73 scored jokes at 4.5 per minute, averaging 6.8 on craft and 6.2 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Homer: Well, sir, before I do anything, I stop and ask myself: 'What would Jesus and Mr. Burns do?'
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Professor Frink: Incidentally, I've also proven that Hell is real, and everyone goes there. Frink out.
Homer: Don't yell at me, brain. This happened on your watch. You have two jobs-- thinking and bladder control!
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho, dream team! Where's my God now?
Homer · Bart: Hey, it's called karma. Isn't karma where if you do something bad, bad things happen to you? A common misconception.
All Jokes — 73 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Worker: Item being procured: one standard-sized paper clip.
Lenny · Carl: See it? We followed the ref home and beat the crap out of him. Yeah, I still think that might've been a kid who worked at Foot Locker.
Homer: Unguarded stuff...!
Homer Character Comedy Physical/Slapstick Worker: Attention, lovers of free office supplies! Come and steal things you can easily afford!
Mr. Burns: Can someone open this bottle of mother wolf placenta for me?
Homer: My rubberized bands! My binder clips! My accordion Post-its!
Homer Escalation Character Comedy Homer · Lenny: Oh, Lenny, why would you steal my bear? I just wanted something to cuddle at night. That's my cuddle bear! I loved him, I shot him-- he's mine!
Worker · Unknown person: You don't even work here! Wha...?! You mean I've been calling in sick for nothing?
Worker: Wow, he threw us under the bus, and now he's sitting in the bus driver's lap.
Homer: Well, sir, before I do anything, I stop and ask myself: 'What would Jesus and Mr. Burns do?'
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Worker: You are garbage made flesh! This is a mockery!
Worker · Mr. Burns: Question: Can we have fun with it? No, you may not.
Homer · Bart: Hey, it's called karma. Isn't karma where if you do something bad, bad things happen to you? A common misconception.
Homer: Suck it, karma! Yeah! I'm talking to you, karma! Ha-ha-ha! Karma's a bitch, karma!
Homer Character Comedy Escalation Homer: Ah, nothing better than a lazy Saturday morning lying in a warm, moist bed, because weekends are... Moist?! I wet the bed!
Homer Setup/Punchline Cringe/Discomfort Homer: Marge, from time to time I've heard you speak of a 'washing machine.' Where would I find this marvelous contraption?
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist Homer: Not just the laundry. That would be weird, and you might ask questions.
Homer Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Homer: Don't yell at me, brain. This happened on your watch. You have two jobs-- thinking and bladder control!
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Homer's brain: I'm doing the best with what I got. All you feed me is reality shows! I like to watch Lamar Odom play Xbox while his giant wife yells at him. Is that so nuts?!
Homer: Oh, why can't I cork my wang-wine?
Homer Wordplay/Pun Cringe/Discomfort Lisa: But isn't karma just an expression of the dharma?
Lisa Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Homer · Various guests: Who the hell are you? I'm sorry. Cheese on that? Sorry. Hey, Lenny. Sorry.
Homer: Make sure you whack 'piñata me' and not 'real me.'
Homer Visual Gag Character Comedy Homer · Guests: A lot of work went into this thing. Die! Die! Die!
Carl: Ain't no problem that free food and free booze won't fix.
Carl Observational Character Comedy Homer: Free?! Uh... Oh... Free it is!
Homer Reaction Beat Character Comedy Homer: Tomorrow morning my sheets will be as dry as the surface of Mars, except for the poles.
Homer Wordplay/Pun Absurdist Store clerk: Homer Simpson! You forgot your receipt for your adult bedwetting product! Homer Simpson! Are you there?!
Homer: Now, that's what I call looking out for number one.
Homer Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Homer: Uh, uh, that was just the fire alarm. Try to go back to sleep.
Homer Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Abe: Son, I'm afraid the Uralarm Whiz-no-more 9000 is no joke.
Abe Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Homer · Marge: Your mother and I are wetting the bed. 'We're' wetting the bed? Hey, when you were pregnant, everything was 'we.'
Marge Irony/Sarcasm Cringe/Discomfort Marge · Homer: A diaper just isn't sexy. What about Cupid? He's smokin' hot. He's a baby with wings.
Homer: Marge, it's not the diaper, it's what's inside.
Homer Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Professor Frink: I was just trying to get past the New York Times pay-wall, and then kaboy!
Professor Frink: Tweeted by Bart, re-tweeted by Krusty.
Normal Stu: Normal Stu likes normal things! Hmm.
Professor Frink · Bart: What am I, a babysitter?! So no school for me.
Homer: My brain's fine. In my dreams, I'm an intermediate skier!
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist Homer: It's Death! I recognize him from 40th birthday cards.
Homer Observational Character Comedy Death · Homer: You wet the bed?! Oh... great! Now Death knows!
Professor Frink: Oh, uh, actually, because I neglected to install the latest Adobe Acrobat update, if you die in the dream, you die in real life.
Professor Frink: Incidentally, I've also proven that Hell is real, and everyone goes there. Frink out.
Lisa: One minute at this level equals two hours one dream level below.
Lisa Meta/Self-Referential Observational Bart · Lisa · Homer: Wait, dreams have rules? Everything has rules, Bart. Not me, when I hit the dance floor.
Abe · Bart: Can the chatter and fetch me a baloney sandwich. Why don't you fetch it yourself, man.
Abe Bart Character Comedy Reaction Beat Abe · Bart: See what your monkeyshines have done, boy? Still smells better than your gym socks, man.
Abe Bart Character Comedy Reaction Beat Lisa · Homer: Forsooth, a myst'ry doth confound... In your dreams.
Lisa: We never do my thing.
Lisa Character Comedy Reaction Beat Homer: In this fantasy Kwik-E-Mart, you get your change in bacon.
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy Marge · Crowd: In this place mothers are for drunk driving. Chug! Chug! Chug!
Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho, dream team! Where's my God now?
Homer: I take you to the Disneyland of me, and you just want to go to the lost and found.
Homer Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Moe: Unplug these people, Dr. Ker-dork-ian!
Moe Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Professor Frink: Oh, you foolish man, if I unhook them now, I won't know if this is safe to use on chimps!
Someone: Quick! Gum up the gears with Moes.
Someone Visual Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Moe: Hey, you know what's good for cleaning Moe gunk out of your gears? White vinegar. Yeah.
Moe Character Comedy Absurdist Homer · Mona: May I ask, what's taken so long with Larry King? I am not... Death.
Mona · Lisa: It's Jennifer Aniston's hair on Friends. Exactly like Chandler, always criticizing.
Abe · Young Homer: No need. With two Simpson men in the boat will bring you back a pile of fish. I'm in charge of the tackle box.
Young Abe: Man Homer, you've always been a loser.
Abe: It was just a TV show. Mitch Miller was yelling at one of his idiot singers.
Abe Character Comedy Observational Young Homer: After we eat it, can we let it go?
Mona: Pathetic. A kid who can't keep his parents' marriage together is no kid at all.
Mona Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Mona · Cletus: 'Roll the film, Cletus.' 'Kiss me, Cletus.' Whatever you say, boss lady.
Mona · Homer: And maybe you'll stop overeating, too. No can do, baby.
Homer: Stanley Kubrick wanted Robin Williams to star in The Shining. Casablanca was originally going to star Ronald Reagan. There was a Grease 2, and I wasn't in it.
Homer Observational Escalation Robin Williams · Mork: Whoa! Hey, watch it! / There you go again. Shazbot!
Lisa: If it spins forever, we're still in a dream.
Lisa Meta/Self-Referential Bart · Homer: Hey, since it's a dream, let's ride our bikes naked around town. Sounds like a plan.
Marge · Homer: Is that hail coming down? It's just dream hail. Ow! Ooh! Ow! Dream hail!
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