The Computer Wore Menace Shoes

Homer:D'oh! [Screams]

Homer · Lenny:What's an e-mail? / It's a computer thing- Like an electric letter. / Or a quiet phone call.

Homer:That does it! I'm getting a computer- As soon as somebody lets me out of here. [Rattling] Oh. [Laughing] I'm so stupid.

Computer Store Employee:Well, do you need a paperweight? Because if you buy that machine, that's all you're gonna have, is an expensive paperweight.

Computer Store Employee · Homer:Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. Uh, you're not a sucker, are you, sir? / Heavens, no! / Oh, good. Because if you were, I'd have to ask you to leave the store.

Computer Store Employee · Homer:That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes. / I was an astronaut. / Of course you were.

Computer Voice:[Recorded Voice #1] You are on your- [Voice #2] Fifth. [Voice #1] mortgage.

Homer:Computer, kill Flanders.

Ned Flanders · Homer:Did I hear my name? My ears are burning. / [Whispering] Good start. Now finish the job. / [Chuckling] Oh, you're busy. Catch you later, 'computator.'

Homer:Oh, $5,000 for a computer, and it can't handle a simple assignment.

Homer:Ooh, a dancing Jesus.

Homer:If there's a better use for the Internet, I haven't found it.

Computer Voice:You have chosen 'No,' meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.

Website Voice:If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click 'yes.' Otherwise click 'No.' / You have chosen 'No,' meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess.

Computer Voice:You have the right to remain fabulous.

Bart · Homer · Lisa:I got suspended from school today. / What do you think of my page, Lisa? / They found a switchblade in my locker. / I took a swing at a cop. / I'm just mad all the time.

Homer:They can't sue me if they don't know who I am. I'll just call myself 'Mr. X.'

Lisa:Well, a Web page is supposed to be a personal thing. You've just stolen copyrighted material from everyone else.

Homer · Lisa:That lousy pothole! Why don't they fix it? / I heard Mayor Quimby spent the street repair fund on a secret swimming pool for himself.

Homer · Marge:Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey. / You know, it might have been Jimbo. / Beautiful! We have confirmation.

Seymour Skinner:There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!

Comic Book Guy:There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!

Agnes Skinner · Seymour Skinner:[Agnes] Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies? / No, Mother. / You sissy!

Kent Brockman · Mayor Quimby:Good Lord! We've discovered the ruins of an ancient city. / Okay, you do better.

Homer · Marge:Now I know exactly how God feels. / Do you want turkey sausage or ham? / Bring me two of every animal.

Kent Brockman:Coming up: How do they get those dogs to talk on the beer commercials? Cowboy Steve will tell you.

Homer:No way. Mr. X is gonna keep on diggin' and probin' until every person in this town is in jail.

Abe Simpson · Bagel Shop Owner:A coconut bagel? Like poison it tastes! / All right, I'll tell you a secret. My bagels are nothing but week-old doughnuts.

Bagel Shop Owner:Oh, who am I to point the finger? I once ran over a guy in a parking lot and dumped the body on a golf course.

Chief Wiggum:But I assure you, the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them... anymore.

Reporter · Chief Wiggum:What about using the electric chair to cook chicken? / Yeah, all right, this press conference is over.

Carl · Homer:Are you him? Are you Mr. X? / No. / But you talked in that real sly voice. / Hey, hey, everybody! Homer's Mr. X! / I am not! Or... am I? / Are you? / No!

Homer · Moe:Hey, Moe, can you keep a secret? / No. / Not even a little one? / No! / What if I just whisper it! / No, I tells ya!

Homer:# I've been sittin' on the toilet # All the livelong day ##

Homer:# I've been sittin' on the toilet # All the livelong day ##

Mr. Burns · Terrorist:Then it's agreed. I'll supply you terrorists with deadly uranium. / You are a credit to the great Satan. / Oh, pshaw.

Pulitzer Committee · Homer:Unfortunately, we don't know who he is so his cash award will be used to feed starving children. / No! Move! Move! I'm Mr. X! Gimme! Gimme!

Homer:No! Move! Move! I'm Mr. X! Gimme! Gimme!

Marge · Homer:I'm proud that you won the Pulitzer- Finally. But I do feel bad about the starving children. / They're with God now. / Oh, well, that's good.

Marge · Homer:But I do feel bad about the starving children. / They're with God now. / Oh, well, that's good.

Lisa · Homer:Well, you can't post news if you don't have any. That's a great idea. I'll make up some news!

Marge:At least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that.

Homer:New race discovered living six inches under Denver. All named Morton- Or Mortinson.

Homer · Cletus · Cletus's Kids:They're controlling our minds with flu shots. I knew it! / Well, kids, now aren't you glad we don't believe in inoculations? / [Both Moaning] Yea!

Homer:Real news is great, son, but I'm getting a thousand hits an hour with grade 'A' bull plop.

Homer · Apu:[Thuds] Stop it, Apu. You're scaring me. [Whimpering]

Homer · Number Six:I am not a number! I am a man! / And don't you ever- Oh, wait. I'm Number Five. / Ha, ha! In your face, Number Six!

Number Six:Number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline. / Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind Tic Tacs. / And I invented the bottomless peanut bag.

Homer:I want answers now or I want them eventually!

Homer:That's impossible. All my stories are bull plop. Bull plop!

Villain · Homer:To drive people into a frenzy of shopping. That's why flu shots are given just before Christmas. / Of course. It's so simple. / Wait. No, it's not. It's needlessly complicated.

Fake Homer · Marge:[With German Accent] Marge, honey, fraülein, I'm home. / You're not my husband. / Ja. Please forgive my unexplained two-week absence. To make it up to you, we will go out to dinner at a sensibly priced restaurant then have a night of efficient German sex.

Fake Homer · Marge:Marge, honey, fraülein, I'm home. / You're not my husband. / Ja. Please forgive my unexplained two-week absence.

Marge:Well, I sure don't feel like cooking.

Lisa · Fake Homer:There's something really different about you, Dad. / I am a new tie wearing.

Number Six:It's made out of toilet paper rolls, toothpicks and plastic forks and the sail is made of scabs and dynamite.

Homer:Why did you think a big balloon would stop people?

Homer:Yes! Fight and struggle. [Groans] If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch.

Homer · Fake Homer:If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch. / [Groans] Gott in Himmel!

Homer:Bad dog. [Laughing] Once you get used to the 'druggings,' this isn't a bad place.

Homer · Lisa:Once you get used to the 'druggings,' this isn't a bad place. / Oh, it's wonderful- Truly God's country.