Treehouse Of Horror Iv

Marge:Well, I suppose we could listen to NPR instead.

Bart:NPR? That's even scarier!

Lenny:Hey, where'd Homer go?

Carl:He's daydreaming again. I'm gonna mess with him.

Lenny:Dude, you're gonna give him a heart attack.

Carl:Nah, it's just a little elder abuse. It's funny!

Old Man:Why you little... You're like a pack of hyenas! Except you smell worse and you're not endangered!

Homer:Where's my emergency donut? I need it!

Homer:Oh wait... I owe myself a donut I clearly already ate.

Homer:An IOU? From me? To me?

Homer:Why, that two-faced son of a...

Devil:I have come to make a deal for your soul, Homer Simpson.

Homer:My soul? You can have it!

Ned:Hold on there, Satan! You'll have to go through me first!

Ned:Well, hello there, Homer. I am pleased you have come to witness this most auspicious occasion, where I shall formally commence the transference of my immortal soul to the Prince of Darkness himself, in exchange for

Homer:Yeah, yeah, get on with it! Where's my money?

Mr. Burns:Ah, Satan. You're looking particularly demonic today. I admire your commitment to evil — you really know how to navigate those dark waters.

Homer:Wait, if I don't swallow, I'm not technically eating it!

Homer:Woohoo! I'm saved! Oh, I'm going to Heaven!

Homer:*accidentally swallows* D'oh!

Homer:Mmm... soul-damning donut.

Ned:Well, howdy-diddly-doodly, Homer! I'm afraid you've been a real... well, a real diddly-darn fool!

Homer:What?!

Ned:Yes sir, you're about as useful as a screen door on a submarine, and twice as dense!

Bart:Dad deserves a fair trial!

Devil:Fair trial? Ha! In some countries, we don't even need that.

Devil:I have the perfect punishment for Homer Simpson...

Devil:I'll make him stay in a room with beer and donuts for all eternity!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Homer:Mmm... infinite donuts.

Devil:Homer, you've sold your soul. Surely you have some regrets?

Homer:Nope! I'm living the dream, pal.

Devil:But what about your family? Your soul is eternally damned!

Homer:Eh, I'm like a young Burt Reynolds.

Devil:Who?

Lionel Hutz:Your Honor, I move for a bad court thingy.

Judge:You mean a mistrial?

Lionel Hutz:Yeah, that's why you're the judge and I'm the law guy.

Lionel Hutz:Uh, I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer!

Richard Nixon:I'm not dead! I'm alive! And I've got a commission from the U.S. Air Force!

Devil:For the jury, we have Adolf Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and the Philadelphia Flyers.

Ned:The Philadelphia Flyers?

Blackbeard:Arr, this chair be too high fer me short pirate legs! Me feet don't be touchin' the ground, and me back be achin' somethin' fierce!

Ned Flanders:Well, I'd be happy to describe that donut for you-diddly-udily! You see, it's a delicious treat with a hellish twist-a-rooney, if you will. The glaze is sinfully sweet-diddly-eet, and the sprinkles are downright demon-diddly-emonic!

Lionel Hutz:Your Honor, I move to strike the word 'eternal' from the contract.

Judge:On what grounds?

Lionel Hutz:Because it's scary! It frightens my client.

Lionel Hutz:I move for a bad court thingy.

Judge:You mean a mistrial?

Lionel Hutz:Yeah, that's why you're the judge and I'm the law... guy.

Lionel Hutz:Uh, I think we should just get out of here.

Devil:Why is your wedding photo taken in a kitchen?

Marge:Well, Homer was so hungry during the ceremony that he ate the wedding cake before we even said our vows.

Ned:Diddly-doodly, that's the most unholy thing I ever heard!

Devil:Finally, something I can respect about this family.

Homer:I, Homer Jay Simpson, take thee Marge Bouvier Simpson to be my wife... to have and to hold... in sickness and in health... till death do us part.

Lawyer:Wait, that's not in the contract!

Homer:Till death do us part.

Ned:Well, I guess I have to let you go, Homer.

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Ned:But I'm puttin' a curse on ya! You're gonna have an irresistible urge to eat donuts, and they're gonna be permanently attached to your head!

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:He's eating himself and enjoying it

Bart:Next up, a tale of terror and suspense...

Lisa:You mean like regular school?

Bart:School is genuinely terrifying.

Bart:Even the consolation prize is gum... that's already been chewed.

Milhouse:Cool!

Otto:Hey man, what's dripping on me?

Otto:Oh man, I hope that's just the car leaking...

Principal Skinner:I was on the school bus because I needed to get to work, but then I realized I was wearing my shirt inside out, so I panicked and took the bus home to change it. Then I realized I'd left my briefcase on the bus, so I had to chase after it on foot for three blocks, and now I feel like a complete fool for engaging in such undignified behavior!

Nelson:Ha-ha! Bart has nightmares!

Martin:Yes, how positively pedestrian. Perhaps if you spent less time engaging in tomfoolery and more time with Chomsky's linguistic framework, your subconscious wouldn't be so troubled.

Nelson:Ha-ha! Martin's a nerd!

Martin:Oh, thank heavens.

Milhouse:I'm not looking out that window!

Bart:Why not?

Milhouse:Every time I do, something terrible happens. First they call me 'four eyes,' then they make me walk the plank, then they keelhaul me, and finally they make me swab the deck!

Otto:Dude, I just got full coverage insurance on this bus like yesterday!

Skinner:I'm confiscating your imagination.

Ralph:But Mr. Skinner, I need my imagination!

Skinner:Not in my school, you don't. Imagination leads to daydreaming, daydreaming leads to poor grades, and poor grades lead to... well, I don't want to imagine what comes next.

Uter:Ja, I bring you candies from Germany! We have Kinder Überraschung, Milka Nuss-Nougat, and my favorite - Haribo Goldbears!

Uter:But ze best is Zartbitter Schokolade mit Haselnuss und Mandeln und Kokosnuss!

Uter:And zen zere is Knusperflöckchen und Vollmilch Schokoladen Überfluss mit extra Zucker und Fett!

Willie:Och, ye daft wee man! Yer more delicate than a doily in a hurricane!

Skinner:That's quite uncalled for, Willie!

Willie:Uncalled for? Ye're wearin' a cardigan the color of a flamingo's backside! And those sensible shoes—me mother wears the same pair to her book club!

Ned Flanders:Well, I'll be diddly-doodly! Even though this little critter is trying to kill me, I can't help but appreciate his moxie! He's just a misunderstood scamp who needs a little love and understanding. Gosh diddly-gosh, maybe if I just smile real big and offer him some lemonade, we can work this out!

Skinner:Simpson, while your claims about the gremlin have been validated, you still disrupted my classroom. That's detention.

Bart:But Mr. Skinner, I was right! The gremlin was real!

Skinner:Precisely my point. Rules are rules, Simpson. Dismissed.

Bart:Finally, some peace and quiet in this asylum.

Ned:Well howdy-diddly-doodly, roommate!

Bart:No! Not you!

Narrator:We now present the most terrifying painting ever created.

Narrator:Behold: Dogs Playing Poker.

Narrator:We were going to tell you a chilling tale of the supernatural, but we figured, why bother? We phoned this one in.

Chief Wiggum:All right, we've got reports of vampire attacks in the area. I'm putting out an APB on anyone who's pale, wears a cape, and has a strong aversion to garlic.

Lou:Chief, that's half the cast of Broadway musicals.

Chief Wiggum:Then we'd better round 'em all up! Boys, I want every theater district in a five-state radius cordoned off.

Eddie:Chief, what about the opera houses?

Chief Wiggum:Burn 'em down! Anyone who likes that much culture is definitely a vampire.

Lisa:Dad, you need to be careful. There are vampires out there.

Homer:Vampires? Pfft. I'm not worried about vampires. Besides, all the vampires I know are pretty cool guys.

Lisa:Dad, vampires aren't real... and they're not cool.

Homer:That's what you think. Dracula's my best friend. Well, he would be if he wasn't always trying to suck my blood. But other than that, great guy.

Mr. Burns:Yes, I've acquired a blood bank. An excellent investment, really.

Interviewer:And what do you plan to do with all that blood?

Mr. Burns:Well, naturally I'll be storing it in my wine cellar at precisely 98.6 degrees, and I prefer it type O negative, still warm...

Interviewer:I'm sorry, did you say—

Mr. Burns:And I'll need to feed—I mean, I'll need to *transfuse* it regularly to maintain freshness. Smithers, stop me from talking.

Mr. Burns:Welcome to my mansion. I trust you'll find everything to your liking.

Smithers:Sir, the intercom is still on.

Mr. Burns:What? Nonsense. Now, where did I put those plans to steal candy from babies and poison the water supply?

Smithers:Sir, everyone in Springfield can hear you.

Mr. Burns:Excellent. Smithers, release the hounds and activate the laser.

Homer:Mr. Burns, you're looking pretty rough these days.

Mr. Burns:What was that, Simpson?

Homer:Uh... Bart said it!

Lisa:Dad, that punch has been sitting out for three weeks. It's a bacterial breeding ground.

Homer:Lisa, it was 25 cents a cup.

Lisa:But Dad, you could get seriously ill!

Homer:25 cents, Lisa.

Bart:Come on, Lis. There's no such thing as vampires.

Lisa:But Bart, the evidence is—

Bart:Oh my God! Vampire coffins!

Bart:Whoa! Vampire coffins! This is so cool!

Homer:Vampire coffins? That's nothing. You should see the beds at the nursing home.

Bart:Dad, those aren't the same thing.

Homer:Tell that to Grampa. He's been sleeping in one for three years and he's never been happier.

Bart:Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Woop woop woop woop!

Lisa:Bart, we're in a vampire's lair. Can you please take this seriously for once?

Bart:Why I oughta! Soitenly!

Lisa:And that's the eighty-seventh Stooges impression this week.

Bart:Whoa! A vampire coffin!

Tourist:Excuse me, young man. Is that coffin part of the tour?

Bart:Uh, yeah. Sure.

Tourist:Wonderful! My family and I have been looking forward to seeing all the local supernatural attractions. Can we take a picture with it?

Vampire Bart:Good evening. I am no longer the boy you knew. I have been transformed into a creature of the night, a being of darkness and eternal hunger.

Homer:So you're a vampire now?

Vampire Bart:Indeed. I subsist on the blood of the living, cast no reflection, and am allergic to garlic and crosses.

Marge:But honey, you're still our son.

Vampire Bart:A son who must now sleep in a coffin and avoid direct sunlight. Other than that, nothing has changed.

Lisa:Dad, that's dangerous!

Homer:Dangerous? Lisa, I've done worse things before breakfast. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?

Lisa:You could hurt yourself, or worse, damage the—

Homer:Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. You worry too much. I'm not some idiot who doesn't know the difference between intelligence and... and... you know, that thing where you live. A... a... what's it called?

Lisa:A house?

Homer:Yeah, that! A house! See, I'm plenty smart.

Vampire Bart:Come on, Lisa. Join us. You'll get to stay up late, sleep all day, and we have an unlimited supply of...

Lisa:Unlimited supply of what?

Vampire Bart:Free refills at the movie theater.

Lisa:...You had me at free refills.

Marge:Oh my God, Bart's a vampire!

Marge:Wait... is he smoking?

Marge:BART!

Homer:Kill Mr. Burns? But he's the richest man in Springfield! If I kill him, I'll be a hero!

Marge:Homer, that's not heroic, that's murder.

Homer:Marge, it's the American dream! A poor man bettering himself by eliminating the competition.

Homer:Take that, Burns!

Bart:Dad, you missed him and stabbed the couch.

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Mr. Burns:Why, you...

Homer:D'oh!

Grampa Simpson:This vampire costume is cutting off my circulation. My feet are swollen and my back is killing me. When I was young, we didn't need all these fancy costumes—we'd just scare people by showing up.

Lisa:We need to identify the head vampire and destroy him!

Burns:Bah! You'll never catch me, Simpson!

Marge:Oh my stars! I'm the head vampire!

Lisa:Marge?! But you're so... domestic!

Marge:Yes, and that's what makes me pure evil.