Marge On The Lam

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such educational films as 'Firecrackers: The Silent Killer' and 'Boring! A Film About Wallpaper.' I'm Troy McClure, and I'll be your host as we explore the quaint town of Springfield, where the children are somehow both industrious and lazy, thrifty yet wasteful, and polite but incredibly rude.

Homer:Why is everybody laughing? There's nothing funny about a bunch of people standing around talking about living in Minnesota!

Homer:Turn into a sex channel!

Troy McClure:You might remember me from such telethons as 'The Cure-ie Telethon for Radioactive Children' and 'The All-Star Calypso Extravaganza Benefiting the Spit Bank'...

Troy McClure:But most recently, I've been hosting 'Up, Up, and Away: A Benefit for the Tony Orlando Mid-Life Crisis Fund'.

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such pledge drives as 'Please God, Let This Be Over' and 'Why Do We Even Bother.' But seriously folks, we need your money. And by 'we,' I mean me. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to maintain this level of disregard for human dignity? Your donations help keep me in the lifestyle I've become accustomed to avoiding actual work for. So please, give generously. Or don't. Honestly, I couldn't care less. You're all going to die anyway.

Homer:Public TV? That's boring! I want to watch something good, like Baywatch or that show with the Eubank guys.

Marge:Homer, it's 'Eubanks,' singular. And that's a game show.

Homer:Whatever. The point is, I'm not watching any of those pinko educational programs. I want real entertainment!

Homer:Ballet is like a fine meat... a meat that dances.

Homer:I love ballet!

Homer:WOOHOO! Did you see that leap?! That's a touchdown! Go, go, go! Eat my shorts, you tutu-wearing... YES! FIRST DOWN!

Ruth Powers:Homer, can I borrow your power sander?

Homer:I don't have a power sander.

Ruth Powers:It's running right there.

Homer:I know.

Homer:Ballet! Finally, a chance to see beautiful women in tights prancing around!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Homer:Wait... those are men.

Marge:Homer, you promised you'd go to Lisa's ballet recital tonight.

Homer:Marge, I can't. I volunteered for a classified military experiment.

Marge:Homer! You volunteered for what?

Homer:Yeah, they're gonna expose me to radiation, inject me with experimental serums, maybe let some scientists poke around in my brain.

Marge:But... why would you do that?

Homer:Because it means I don't have to sit through two hours of Lisa doing interpretive dance to that weird music.

Army Doctor:Now, this experimental serum has a few side effects. You might experience temporary blindness, loss of hearing, and uncontrollable drooling.

Homer:Blindness, deafness, and drooling? So basically like dinner with Marge's parents?

Army Doctor:What? No, these are serious medical conditions.

Homer:Doc, you had me at blindness.

Homer:It was worth missing dinner for!

Homer:*collapses while giggling maniacally*

Homer:I'm taking Marge to the ballet tonight.

Barney:The ballet? What is that, like the circus?

Homer:No Barney, it's completely different.

Barney:Do they have clowns?

Homer:No.

Barney:Elephants?

Homer:No Barney, no animals.

Barney:Then what's the point?

Homer:Mmm... air.

Homer:Now, let's see what delicious snacks await me in this vending machine of justice.

Homer:I'm about to stick it to The Man by purchasing a candy bar without permission!

Homer:Take that, vending machine overlords! This Snickers is mine, paid for fair and square!

Homer:I am a freedom fighter. A hero of the people. A warrior against corporate tyranny.

Homer:What are the odds of that happening twice?

Homer:Mmm... donuts.

Homer:Help! Help! I'm stuck in the vending machine!

Lenny:Come on Carl, let's get out of here.

Carl:Yeah, I'm not getting involved in this.

Lenny:See you later, Homer!

Homer:I promised Marge I'd stop eating junk food, and I'm a man of my word!

Homer:Even if it means staying in this vending machine until I starve!

Homer:Help! Help! I'm stuck in the vending machine!

Lenny:We're gonna need to call the fire department.

Chief Wiggum:We have what we call a 'Code 23' - a man trapped in a snack dispensing unit.

Homer:Marge, I can't make it to the ballet tonight. I'm stuck in a tree with a puma.

Marge:A puma? Homer, you're making that up.

Homer:I'm telling you, it's true! And it's really upset!

Marge:Sure, Homer. And I suppose the puma called you on the phone?

Ruth Powers:I need to borrow some tools. My sink is leaking, my roof is sagging, and I've lost the will to live.

Patty:The choreography was positively pedestrian, with an utter dearth of joie de vivre.

Selma:Mmm-hmm, yes. The prima ballerina's arabesque lacked sufficient épaulement and proper port de bras.

Patty:And that pas de deux in the second act? Criminally vapid. No scansion whatsoever.

Selma:The turnout was abysmal. A travesty of Terpsichorean proportions.

Marge:Well, it's getting quite late. It's 9:30.

Ruth:9:30? That's late?

Homer:Why, I do!

Reverend Lovejoy:I now pronounce you man and... machines.

Doctor:I'm afraid I'm going to have to saw off your arms.

Homer:Will they grow back?

Doctor:Yes.

Homer:Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! All right, Doc, chop away!

Doctor:Wait a minute, I don't think you're actually stuck.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well, I'm not letting go until you say I can!

Ruth Powers:My ex-husband was such a slob. He'd sit around all day drinking beer and watching TV.

Marge:That does sound awful... Homer does that too, but I don't mind.

Ruth Powers:I'm so sick, I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Ruth Powers:But I can't afford it.

Fireman:We, the Springfield Fire Department, do hereby certify that Homer Simpson's story about the vending machine is true.

Fireman:However, in rescuing said machine, he caused a massive gas leak that destroyed three city blocks.

Fireman:We're still finding body parts.

Homer:Oh no! A lumberyard fire! All that beautiful wood... gone! Do you know how many things you can make out of wood? Houses, tables, chairs, boats, violins, wooden nickels... This is a tragedy!

Homer:Saturday is our special night, Marge.

Marge:What are we doing?

Homer:We're watching 'Dr. Nick's Medical Mysteries.'

Marge:Homer, that's not special. That's on every night.

Homer:I know, but tonight we're watching it together!

Homer:Where were you? Who were you with? What were you doing? Why didn't you call? Where were you?

Marge:Homer, you asked me that five seconds ago.

Homer:I know, but your answers keep changing!

Homer:Your mother is deserting us! She's abandoning this family!

Bart:Go, Mom, go!

Lisa:Yes, leave us behind!

Ruth Powers:Let me put on some music for our night out.

Ruth Powers:Oh no, this is all wrong. I grabbed the Barney's Musical Adventure CD instead of my edgy rock collection!

Marge Simpson:Is that... the Wiggles?

Ruth Powers:This is so embarrassing. Here I am trying to be rebellious and I'm playing children's songs.

Lisa:Dad, you should try a makeover! A new look might cheer you up.

Homer:A makeover? I guess I could use one.

Homer:Ooh, this facial mask feels nice and tingly!

Homer:And this nail polish is a lovely shade of coral...

Homer:Wait a minute! What am I doing?! I'm a man!

Homer:Get this gunk off me!

Lisa:Women have a right to go out whenever they want.

Lisa:*makes whip-cracking sound*

Homer:Hello, Ned? Yeah, it's Homer. You busy?

Ned:Homer! Well, howdy-diddly-do! I'm so glad you called! I was just about to go to bed, but I'd be happy to—

Homer:Yeah, yeah, that's great. Click.

Ned:—talk all night long! Homer? Homer? Are you there, Homer?

Lisa:We need a babysitter.

Homer:A babysitter? But in the movies, the babysitter always gets killed first!

Marge:Homer, that's not real life.

Homer:Not real life? Marge, I've seen at least three movies where that happens. I'm not letting some teenager die on our watch.

Lionel Hutz:I'll watch your boy for $500 an hour.

Homer:$500 an hour?!

Lionel Hutz:What, that's too much? Okay, okay, $50 and you throw in a keg of beer, some cubed cheese, and look the other way on my parking tickets.

Homer:Deal!

Lionel Hutz:Woohoo! I am the king of negotiation!

Homer:Why is my seat bucking? Everyone else is sitting fine!

Creepy Guy:Hey baby, you wanna get lucky?

Marge:Oh! Well, I suppose if I bought a lottery ticket, my odds would improve. And I do think positive thinking helps. Maybe I should carry a lucky penny, or wear my blue dress—it's always brought me good fortune!

Ruth Powers:Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name.

Barney:Not in here!

Homer:Hey Moe, you got any games we can play?

Moe:Games? What do you think this is, a fun factory? No, no, no. I keep my customers miserable. Miserable people drink more. Happy people go home to their families.

Lionel Hutz:These TV lawyers are so unrealistic! They actually know the law, they show up to court on time, and they don't smell like a distillery.

Lionel Hutz:I mean, where's the accuracy? Where's the truth? This guy just won a case without a single objection being overruled!

Marge:Oh my, what is this beverage doing to me? I suddenly understand the futility of my existence—vacuuming, cooking, maintaining this blue beehive while my dreams wither away in suburban purgatory!

Marge:Mayor Quimby! What are you doing here?

Mayor Quimby:Oh, hello Marge! I'm just here with my nephews. Yes, my nephews.

Marge:Those are clearly not your nephews.

Mayor Quimby:Well, they're my nephews in spirit!

Club patron:Happy birthday to Chris Parnell!

Apu:Where am I? This place is so dark, I cannot see anything!

Apu:Is this the Kwik-E-Mart? No, the shelves are all wrong.

Apu:And what is this music? It is not my usual Bengali radio station.

Apu:Hello? Does anyone here work? I would like to purchase a Squishee!

Ruth:Look at this gun I found.

Marge:Oh my God! A gun! We're all going to die! Even the unborn!

Shooting range owner:No! My precious antique cans!

Marge:But isn't that the whole point of target practice?

Shooting range owner:Well, yes, but I thought you'd miss!

Marge:Homer, we can't just vandalize property!

Homer:Marge, relax. It's just a little graffiti. Besides, look at this rock—it's perfect for throwing through that window over there!

Marge:Homer!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Lionel Hutz:I'm changing my name to Miguel Sanchez.

Lionel Hutz:No, wait... Pablo Neruda.

Homer:Oh, another weather station. I was gonna smash it, but... Marge would be mad at me.

Cletus:Well now, Homer, loneliness ain't nothin' to be ashamed of. Why, I get lonely all the time. Sometimes I talk to my gun for hours, and sometimes my gun talks back, and sometimes... well, sometimes my gun says things I don't wanna hear, like how I ain't never gonna find love again after what happened with... I mean, uh, forget I said that last part.

Chief Wiggum:Alright, I'm gonna pull over that car. That's the same make and model as the one that robbed the Kwik-E-Mart... in 1987. The perpetrator is probably still driving the same car. Never changes vehicles. Just keeps robbing places with the same car for fifteen years.

Ruth Powers:Oh, this car? I stole it.

Marge:You stole it?! Ruth, we're being pulled over by the police!

Ruth Powers:Yeah, well, they can't prove anything. I filed off the VIN number.

Marge:Oh sure, because that's going to help us now.

Chief Wiggum:We're looking for a woman with distinctive blue hair, blue skin, and—

Lou:Blue hair? That's freakish!

Homer:Oh no, it's all my fault! If I hadn't driven her to crime, she'd still be home baking pies!

Barney:Hey Homer, did you know that John Dillinger got his start the same way?

Homer:Really?

Barney:Yeah, his wife kept nagging him about the dishes, so he robbed a bank.

Homer:Wow, I never knew that.

Chief Wiggum:Boys, I've seen a lot of strange things in my day, but a car that just vanishes? That's gotta be a ghost car.

Lou:A ghost car? Chief, that's crazy talk.

Chief Wiggum:Is it, Lou? Is it really?

Lou:Uh... yeah, Chief, it kind of is.

Chief Wiggum:Well, it's better than admittin' we lost it. So ghost car it is.

Lou:Can I hold your hand, Chief?

Chief Wiggum:Yeah, okay.

Barney:You know what friendship is about? Sticking together.

Lenny:That's right, we stick together.

Carl:We always stick together.

Barney:No matter what, we stick together.

Lenny:Through thick and thin, we stick together.

Carl:Forever and always, we stick together.

Homer:Stick together... like waffles?

Barney:What?

Homer:Waffles stick together when you got syrup.

Lenny:Homer, what are you talking about?

Homer:I'm just saying, if we're sticking together, we need syrup. That's friendship.

Chief Wiggum:What's going on here?

Ruth Powers:Just cooking some eggs on the engine. Want some?

Chief Wiggum:Ma'am, you can't cook on your car engine in a residential area.

Ruth Powers:Why not? It's not hurting anybody.

Chief Wiggum:Well, it's... *listens to eggs sizzling* ...you know what, those sound delicious. I'm gonna have to cite you for that sizzle.

Lionel Hutz:Where am I? This isn't the YMCA!

Homer Simpson:That's my couch, Lionel.

Lionel Hutz:Your couch?! I've claimed this territory! I marked it!

Dispatch:Chief Wiggum, what's your location?

Chief Wiggum:Well, I'm in my car, on a road, in Springfield, in the state of Ohio— wait, no, the state of Illinois. Actually, on planet Earth, in the Milky Way galaxy, in an expanding universe hurtling toward ultimate entropy and heat death.

Lisa:This is a breakthrough moment for female representation in crime! Finally, a woman breaking through the glass ceiling of the criminal underworld!

Bart:Yeah, or she just robbed a store.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin. A high-speed chase is currently underway on the streets of Springfield. The suspect is considered armed and extremely dangerous.

Kent Brockman:Wait, I'm getting word the suspect is a woman. A WOMAN! Oh my God, we're all doomed! She's probably going to cry and parallel park us to death!

Homer:Oh no, Marge is gonna kill herself just to prove a point!

Homer:That's just like her.

Homer:Marge, I'm sorry. I know I've hurt you—with my gambling, my drinking, my affairs...

Homer:I once ate your birthday cake and blamed it on Maggie.

Homer:I told everyone at work your maiden name was 'Bouvier' so they'd think you were fancy.

Homer:I've been secretly going to Moe's instead of work!

Homer:Ah, what's the use? I'm a terrible husband. I don't deserve you, Marge. You married a real loser.

Homer:Marge, I know I've been a terrible husband. I'm lazy, I'm stupid, I drink too much, I ignore you, I gamble away our money, I've never supported your dreams, and I'm pretty sure I forgot our anniversary last year. I'm a complete failure as a husband and a father.

Marge:Oh Homer, that's the most honest thing you've ever said to me. At least now I know you're aware of it.

Mayor Quimby:You see? This is exactly why we need this landfill! It saved these people's lives!

Narrator:Whatever happened to the spirit of the law? It had been purchased by a wealthy businessman, and is currently docked in the Cayman Islands.

Narrator:As for Miguel Sanchez, he moved to Capital City, where he sells legal advice to other down-on-their-luck immigrants.

Narrator:And Dr. Nguyen-Phuoc, the Vietnamese identity Lionel Hutz briefly adopted, now practices law under that name, charging only $5 an hour.