Another Simpsons Clip Show

Marge:Homer! Homer, wake up! I need a sign that you're awake.

Homer:Is the house on fire? Is Santa's Little Helper okay? Did I do something wrong?

Homer:I worked all day, Marge. It's 3 AM.

Marge:Homer, it's Saturday at 6 PM. You're in a baby pool.

Homer:A baby pool? I thought this was the company hot tub!

Marge:Homer, I got this book about spicing up our love life.

Homer:Spicing up? Great! I'll get the jalapeños!

Marge:No, Homer, it's about romance and intimacy.

Homer:Well, if we're gonna do this on the bed, we better move that pile of newspapers and old takeout boxes. Fire hazard.

Bart:Man, cartoons these days are just the same old thing over and over. All that repetitive violence and slapstick humor.

Lisa:That's a fair critique of the medium, Bart.

Bart:Yeah, it's like, why can't they come up with something original instead of just—

Homer:WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP! *runs around wildly and crashes through wall*

Bart:Dad!

Lisa:Clip shows are basically admitting your show has run out of ideas. They're just recycled content masquerading as new material.

Marge:Oh my, what a lovely children's book about bunnies. Let me read this to the children.

Marge:"The fluffy bunnies hopped through the meadow, then they got absolutely sh*tfaced and..." Oh my God!

Bart:Wow, that bunny's really going at it. He'll never last that long in real life.

Marge:Romance isn't dead!

Lisa:It's not dead, Mom. It's been leveraged into a multi-billion dollar industry where genuine human connection has been systematized, packaged, and sold back to us at inflated prices on arbitrary calendar dates. Valentine's Day is capitalism's most efficient mechanism for monetizing emotions we're socially obligated to perform.

Bart:Is there an Alcoholic here? Hey, everybody! I'm looking for an Alcoholic!

Moe:Oh, you little... Why you little...

Bart:Is there a Butz here? A Seymour Butz?

Barkeeper:Hey, everybody! I'm looking for a Seymour Butz!

Bart:Uh, how about a Hugh Jass?

Barkeeper:Hugh Jass? Hugh Jass? Why don't you make an appointment with the camel tow!

Bart:Uh, is there an Al Coholic here?

Barkeeper:Al Coholic! I thought you were off the wagon, Al!

Barkeeper:Eh, screw it. I got bigger problems.

Bart:Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz?

Seymour Skinner:Simpson! I've had it with your pranks!

Bart:Aw man, you finally figured it out?

Seymour Skinner:You're going to call yourself and apologize. Now.

Bart:Hello? Yeah, this is Bart Simpson. Listen here, you little punk—

Bart:You're a dweeb and a doofus!

Bart:Yeah? Well you're a buttmunch!

Bart:Oh yeah? Well I'm rubber and you're glue, pal!

Homer:Oh, that's easy. A donut. No wait, a dozen donuts. No, a hundred donuts. Actually, all the donuts in the world. Then I'd use the donut juice to fill my bathtub and take a bath in it. Then I'd drink the donut bathwater. Mmmm... donut bathwater. Then I'd eat the donuts. Then I'd... I'd go to KrustyBurger and get a Krusty Burger and... and some fries. And a chocolate shake. And a fried pie. And another Krusty Burger. And some more fries. And a large Coke. And a Squishee. And some candy. And a sundae. And cookies. And more fries. And some fried chicken. And a turkey leg. And a ham. And some bacon. And a pork chop. And a steak. And a roast. And some ribs. And a prime rib. And some lobster. And some shrimp. And a filet mignon. And some caviar. And some oysters. And a whole roasted pig. And a cow. And another cow. And then I'd go to every restaurant in town and get a little bit of everything. And then... then I'd go to the store and load up on snacks. Chips, pretzels, crackers, cookies, candy, chocolate, ice cream, pudding, Jell-O... Oh man, Jell-O. Mmmm. Nougat-riffic!

Marge:Homer, how could you? You bought yourself a bowling ball for my birthday and had your name engraved on it!

Homer:But Marge, it's a gift for you. You can use it anytime.

Marge:Homer, it has YOUR name on it.

Marge:Mr. Brunswick?

Jacques:Non, non, non. It is Jacques. Jacques Bouvier... I am a bowling alley lothario.

Jacques:Now, Marge, you must learn to pick up your balls with confidence.

Marge:Oh!

Jacques:I am talking about your bowling balls, of course. But if you wish to pick up Homer, I will not stop you.

Jacques:Ah, Marge. Your mind is so keen, your heart so pure. But your hips... they don't lie.

Marge:What's brunch?

Jacques:Well, it is not quite breakfast, it is not quite lunch. I would say that brunch is a very delightful meal somewhere between breakfast and lunch. You would have some eggs, some bacon, some toast. Maybe some orange juice? A little Bloody Mary perhaps? Some hash browns? Maybe a nice croissant?

Marge:Homer? What are you doing here?

Homer:I was just heading home, Marge.

Marge:Well, isn't this convenient. We just happened to run into each other on the street like this.

Marge:So anyway, kids, just ignore the whole adultery thing.

Homer:Wow, that's beautiful.

Carl:Homer, that's just the break room poster of a sunset over a parking lot.

Homer:I know.

Homer:So, uh, Mindy, you come here often?

Mindy:Just on weekdays.

Homer:Well, I'd like to... uh... get to know you better. Maybe we could go out for a bite?

Mindy:Sure, Homer. That sounds nice.

Homer:Great! I'm really good at... uh... eating. I mean, I could really work my way up with you. I mean... up to you! No wait, I meant...

Homer:I was just thinking about... uh... lubrication. You know, for my car. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Stranger:What?

Homer:I mean, a man's gotta keep his shaft properly maintained. The, uh, drive shaft. On the car.

Stranger:Are you okay?

Homer:Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just been having some trouble with my... rod. My connecting rod. It's been making strange noises. Really loud. You know how it is.

Homer:No, no, no. I can't do this. I have to resist temptation.

Homer:I know! I'll build a fort out of these pillows and blankets. That always helps me think of innocent things.

Homer:Yes, a fort. A nice, safe fort where nothing bad can happen.

Mindy:I have a wicked idea that could get us into trouble.

Homer:What?

Mindy:Let's order room service... and not leave a tip!

Mr. Burns:Smithers, release the flying monkeys.

Smithers:You mean the surveillance drones, sir?

Mr. Burns:Yes, yes, that's what I said. Now fly, my pretties, fly! And bring me back everything on Lemon's tax returns.

Environmental Protester 1:Save the Earth!

Environmental Protester 2:Stop nuclear power now!

Environmental Protester 1:You corporate bastards are killing the planet!

Environmental Protester 3:Damn you all to hell!

Environmental Protester 2:Peace, motherfuckers!

Homer:A fortune cookie told me I must make love to a woman who isn't my wife. It's out of my hands - it's the will of the cookie!

Homer:Well, kids, Mindy got a job at a big corporation, and... well, let's just say the stress got to her. She started drinking. A lot. Now she lives under a bridge and talks to pigeons.

Ralph:Choo-choo. I choose you.

Ralph:Hi Lisa. Did you know that if you swallow a watermelon seed, a watermelon grows in your stomach? I read that on a popsicle stick once.

Lisa:Ralph, that's not true.

Ralph:My dad says lots of things aren't true. Like that he loves me.

Krusty:See, you just gotta be careful with the chocolate... whoops!

Krusty:No, no, it's fine, I got this... ah geez, that's even worse!

Krusty:Says here I'm supposed to do audience interaction. Are you kidding me? I hate this stuff. Every time I try to get the audience involved, it's a disaster. Last week, some kid threw a shoe at me. A shoe! I'm a professional clown, for crying out loud.

Ralph:Lisa, will you marry me?

Lisa:Ralph, no.

Ralph:But I love you.

Ralph:I'm going to marry you, Lisa Simpson.

Lisa:Ralph, I... I can't do this.

Ralph:But you said you loved me!

Lisa:No, Ralph, I said I loved your optimism. Your sincerity. But the truth is... I don't love you. And I never will.

Ralph:You don't?

Lisa:I'm sorry, Ralph. The truth is, you're not smart. You're not funny. And honestly, you smell like low-grade uranium.

Ralph:Miss Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.

Bart:Ew.

Laura:Bart, I have something to tell you. I'm moving away.

Bart:Oh man, that's terrible!

Laura:No, it's great! My dad got a job in Brazil!

Homer:Well, I got a whole lot of cryin'... ain't no shakin' goin' on.

Marge:Well, there's a whole lotta shakin' going on... but nobody's happy about it.

Sideshow Bob:Yes, I was there. And when Selma recited her vows, she promised to love, honor, and obey... until death do us part. Which, in my case, is looking like it could be quite soon.

Abe:Well, I'm here to pick up my mother for dinner.

Abe:Wait a minute... you're not my mother!

Abe:Well, you'll do.

Jacqueline Bouvier:I can't remember when I felt this young.

Jacqueline Bouvier:Of course, I can't remember much of anything anymore.

Grampa Simpson:Hey! I was in line first, Burns!

Mr. Burns:Now, now, Simpson. You see, life is like a highway. Some of us are in the fast lane, and some of us are... well, puttering along in the slow lane.

Grampa Simpson:Why you—

Jacqueline:I wouldn't marry Mr. Burns if he were the last man on Earth. And I wouldn't marry you, Abe, if you were the second-to-last man on Earth.

Lisa:Well, actually, it's not really a happy ending. The narrative arc suggests a cyclical pattern of dysfunction that ultimately perpetuates itself, leaving the protagonist trapped in a Sisyphean nightmare of his own making.

Marge:Did anyone learn anything about love?

Bart:Yeah. It sucks.

Lisa:I've decided to save my love for someone who's guaranteed never to reject me.

Lisa:Corey!

Artie Ziff:Marge, Marge! You know what they say about me – I've just got busy hands!

Homer:Fine! I'll walk!

Marge:Really?

Homer:Yes, Marge. I'd rather walk into oncoming traffic than share a car seat with you.

Homer:Why do I have to walk in the mud?

Marge:Because I want to walk on the sidewalk.

Homer:Fine! FINE! I'll walk in the mud. Happy now? I'm wading through this swamp like some kind of... mud-walker.

Homer:Marge, I would do anything for you. I would climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest ocean, fight the fiercest beast... and I would do it all with my bare hands tied behind my back.