Itchy Amp Scratchy Land

Krusty:Welcome to the violentest theme park on Earth!

Homer:Everything's too expensive these days! Food, gas, rent... even the Bible costs money!

Homer:And another thing - I tried reading it once. Way too preachy!

Marge:Well, instead of going to the beach, we could stay home and watch the birds at our new feeder!

Homer:Birds? Marge, that sounds boring.

Marge:Oh Homer, it's fascinating! Just yesterday, a cardinal landed on the perch for a full seven seconds. And the way the sunlight catches the seeds in the dispenser? Simply magnificent. Plus, we can keep a journal of which birds visit and at what time. The sparrows usually come around 2 PM, and the finches prefer the nyjer seed. It's like having nature's own little television show, right here in our backyard!

Bart:Dude, I have some serious news.

Homer:Oh no! What happened?

Bart:I'm dead serious.

Homer:You're dead?!

Bart:No, man. Dead serious. Like, I'm really serious about something.

Bart:You've got a world-class spa, a championship golf course, five-star restaurants, and a state-of-the-art rehab facility!

Lisa:Look, they have bumper cars themed to 'The history of cuticles.'

Homer:Wow, being mean to pacifists is easy! And it's fun! I'm gonna do this every day!

Homer:You're all suckers for paying to go to the beach!

Narrator:Immediately, a shark attacked Homer.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Let me pack for our vacation. I'll need my inflatable neck pillow shaped like a lobster, my collection of commemorative spoons from places I've never been, my pet rock with googly eyes, my kazoo that only plays in B-flat, and my life-size cardboard cutout of myself.

Marge:Homer, why would you bring any of that?

Homer:Because Marge, a man without useless novelty items is no man at all.

Grampa Simpson:I'm not senile! My mind is sharp as a tack!

Grampa Simpson:Why, just the other day I was playing fetch with... uh... Rovio?

Homer Simpson:Dad, that's Santa's Little Helper.

Grampa Simpson:Santa? What's Santa doing in our house?

Marge Simpson:Grampa, it's your grandson Homer.

Grampa Simpson:Homer? I don't know any Homer. Where's my son?

Homer:I'm not just driving aimlessly. I have a destination in mind.

Homer:We don't have any produce in this car!

Marge:Homer, open the trunk.

Homer:Fine, but you'll see there's nothing—

Marge:*opens trunk* Homer, it's completely full of produce.

Homer:D'oh!

Radio DJ:And now, our top signs of evil this week. Number three: rock and roll music. Number two: the internet. And our number one sign of evil... Britney Spears.

Homer:The Internet? I thought you said Internuts. I've been eating these the whole time.

Homer:Wait, so the Wi-Fi isn't actually made of wires? Then what's with all the Fi?

Homer:We didn't get lost. We just took a scenic route to somewhere we'd never been before.

Park Announcer:Welcome to Springfield Nuclear Power Plant! We take safety very seriously here at our facility.

Park Announcer:In fact, we have an outstanding safety record with zero accidents in the last... uh... well, we don't keep track.

Park Announcer:Now, please proceed in an orderly fashion to the Radiation Exposure Chamber—or as I call it, the 'Radation' Chamber.

Park Announcer:I mean... radiation. Well, that's ironic.

Park employee:Our park currency is circular. It can only be spent here at the park.

Park employee:But that's what makes it fun!

Park employee:Well, we prefer to think of it as educational.

Park employee:The goal is to horrify children.

Marge:Well, the cartoon violence is just like in real life.

Marge:Homer, you can't order that!

Homer:What? I'm just getting a regular hot dog. It's not like I'm ordering something called 'The Ribwich' or 'The Ribwich Jr.' or 'The Ribwich Family Pack.'

Marge:I'll have the 'Murdered Cow' with extra blood sauce.

Server:Ma'am, that's... that's just veal.

Marge:Veal?

Server:Yes, it's a very mild, tender meat from a young calf.

Lisa:Welcome to Sufferland! We have the Mild Discomfort Zone, the Moderate Pain Section, the Acute Agony Area, and our newest attraction: the Department of Motor Vehicles waiting room.

Homer:Oh no! I'm late for the big game!

Marge:Homer, relax. The next one is only 5 minutes later.

Homer:Only 5 minutes?! That's plenty of time to miss it twice!

Bart:Wow, this is awesome! I'm living the dream!

Homer:That's nice, son.

Bart:Yeah, a dream where I'm chopping up my enemies with a chainsaw and feeding them to a wood chipper.

Lisa:Wow, look at the complexity of these circuits and mechanisms.

Homer:Yeah, I tried building a robot once. It just caught on fire.

Lisa:Of course it did, Dad.

Homer:Hey, you know who you look like?

Moe:Who?

Homer:John Travolta.

Moe:Get outta here!

Homer:I'm serious. It's uncanny.

Moe:Well, I hate to break it to ya, Homer, but I AM John Travolta.

Bart:Man, I can't find my name on any of these license plates.

Mother:Oh, there's got to be something here for you.

Child:Mom! Mom! I found one! Bort!

Mother:That's not Bart, honey. It's Bort.

Child:But I wanted Bort!

Mother:We have Bort at home.

Bart:Wait, there's another Bort?

Bart:Yeah, those old cartoon characters are so lame.

Lisa:Well, I don't know. I think some of them had a certain charm.

Animatronic performer:Happy New Year! Happy New Year! Happy New Year!

Animatronic performer:Please... make it stop. Every year, the same thing. Over and over. When will it end?

Park Employee:We have a problem with baby entertainment at the park.

Homer:Have you tried turning them off and back on again?

Narrator:In this biographical documentary about our beloved creator, we take a look back at some of his earliest works.

Narrator:Here we see a charming example of his animation style from 1928.

Narrator:Of course, we had to cut out the part where he's ordering the destruction of an entire civilization, but other than that, it's family-friendly entertainment.

Lisa:Studies show that exposure to media violence can desensitize children to real-world aggression. Don't you think that's concerning?

Bart:Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go practice my roundhouse kick on Milhouse.

Lisa:Don't you think all this violence on television is affecting you?

Bart:Ay caramba, man. Gotta go.

Police Officer:You're under arrest for assault.

Itchy Robot:But I was just programmed to do it!

Park Announcer:Attention park visitors, we have a lost child. The child's name is... Bort.

Park Announcer:We have repeated calls for a Bort in the Lost and Found. Will a Marge Simpson please pick up her son?

Park Announcer:Also, we are out of Bort license plates in the gift shop. I repeat, we have sold out of all our Bort merchandise.

Homer:I'd like to order some commemorative shirts that say 'I survived my vacation'.

Clerk:Sir, your vacation doesn't end until next week.

Homer:I know, but I want to be optimistic.

Park announcer:We have a second arrest. Homer Simpson, wanted for... we have a report he is Marge Simpson's son.

Park announcer:He is described as overweight, lazy, and a danger to himself and others.

Professor Frink:My calculations indicate a 73% probability of robot uprising by the year 2157, which could lead to widespread devastation and the complete annihilation of—

Professor Frink:—the human race, with robots stepping on us and going 'crunch crunch,' and then they'd probably throw us in a big pile and laugh at us.

Professor Frink:And then they'd put a sign on the pile that says 'Stupid humans,' and all the other robots would point and go 'hehehehe.'

Professor Frink:Based on my calculations, this event will occur in precisely 47 years, 3 months, and 12 days!

Professor Frink:Wait, let me recalculate... carry the one... Good grief! That's only 6 days from now!

Homer:I'm a political prisoner!

Marge:Homer, you're not a political prisoner.

Homer:Well, I was assaulted for my beliefs.

Marge:Your only belief is that donuts are a food group.

Homer:Exactly! And that's a political statement!

Homer:My hair! Not my hair!

Marge:I'll take the largest size you have.

Marge:Oh my, that's too big!

Robot Itchy:Oh, hello there, Simpson family. I recognize you from your show.

Robot Itchy:You know, I've been watching your program, and I gotta say, it's not very good.

Robot Itchy:In fact, it stinks. So I'm gonna kill you all.

Homer:Nobody ruins my family's vacation but me! Well, and Bart.

Lisa:Dad, I'm trying to explain the plot of this episode to you.

Homer:Lisa, nobody cares about exposition. Can't you just show me the funny parts?

Homer:And stop looking at the camera like that. It's weird.

Homer:Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Ha ha! I'm like an action hero with these one-liners.

Marge:This vacation was a complete disaster! Nothing went right!

Bart:Well, technically it met all your stated goals.

Bart:It was the best vacation because, technically, we fulfilled all of Marge's original goals through disaster.

Marge:It was the best vacation we've ever had.

Marge:Now, who wants to help me burn these photos and pretend it never happened?

Roger Meyers Jr.:We'll give you fifty dollars.

Homer:Fifty dollars?! Why, that's more money than I've ever seen! I'm rich! Woo-hoo!

Roger Meyers Jr.:We need to address concerns about a robot uprising. The American public is panicking.

Roger Meyers Jr.:But you know what? The European version of our robots is even worse.

European park employee:Please, you must stay! My paycheck bounced, my children need wine...

French Park Employee:Monsieur, ze park, she is falling apart! Ze rides, zey do not work, ze customers, zey are angry!

French Park Employee:But do not worry, I 'ave surrendered to ze situation. It is ze French way.

Bart:Yeah, well, pain is only funny when it happens to someone else.

Lisa:But what if the audience thinks our pain is funny?

Bart:Then I guess we're the joke.

Both:[looking at camera]