Sideshow Bob Roberts

Homer:You're a crackpot, Barlow! Making all these wild political accusations!

Barlow:Even a broken clock is right twice a day, Simpson. Ted Kennedy was actually involved in some questionable dealings.

Homer:That's... wait, that one's actually true? Well, I'm still mad about the other stuff!

Marge:I'm very progressive and sensitive to others' feelings.

Marge:That's why I always make sure to be politically correct... by never saying anything that might offend me.

Homer:All voters are crazy. Nobody in their right mind votes.

Radio Host:Vote for candidate X!

Homer:That makes sense! I'm voting for candidate X!

Birch Barlow:You're a tax cheat, a draft dodger, a wife beater!

Mayor Quimby:Now, now, I think the charges are a bit inflated.

Birch Barlow:And illiterate!

Mayor Quimby:Hey, I resent that! I went to Brown!

Bart:Mom, Dad, I need you to sign this permission slip for my school project.

Homer:School project? What kind of project?

Bart:It's about the, uh, chemical properties of explosives. Very educational.

Marge:Bart, what is that?

Bart:What? Oh, this? Just some bottles and fuses for the, uh, science part.

Homer:Fireworks! Woo-hoo!

Bart:Dad! It's for school!

Homer:Right, right. School fireworks. The best kind.

Marge:Bart, that's the worst lie I've ever heard. And I'm married to a man who once told me he was working late at the nuclear plant when he was actually at a donut shop.

Chinese Principal:You promise fireworks, but I see only disappointment. In China, we have saying: 'Man who promise much and deliver little is like firecracker that go 'poof' instead of 'BOOM!'

Bart:Dude, that's not my fault! The fireworks were supposed to be epic!

Chinese Principal:Supposed to be? In my country, we not say 'supposed to be.' We say 'is' or 'is not.' Your American way very confusing. Very disappointing.

Homer:You can't drive the car until you're 16.

Bart:But Dad, I'm already 10!

Homer:Well, you've got 6 more years to wait.

Bart:What about Mom? Can she drive?

Homer:Your mother will never drive this car. She chose me.

Sideshow Bob:I'm not a racist, but conservatives aren't all bad. We have diversity of thought. There's Rush Limbaugh, there's Ann Coulter, there's Sean Hannity—okay, bad examples. But what about... uh... there's... well, there's George W. Bush. And he's the worst.

Lisa:Of course you wouldn't recognize that voice. It's from a obscure 1987 French New Wave film that only people with a modicum of intellectual sophistication would appreciate.

Homer:Lisa, that's Krusty the Clown.

Bart:Wait a minute. Sideshow Bob is my enemy? My mortal enemy? I'm ten years old! How many mortal enemies does a kid need?

Politician:What do you elderly residents want from your government?

Elderly Resident 1:Better healthcare and Social Security.

Elderly Resident 2:Cheaper prescription drugs.

Elderly Resident 3:Free shuffleboard!

Elderly Resident 4:A government-mandated nap time at 2 PM.

Elderly Resident 5:Soft foods only. No more chewing.

Elderly Resident 1:We want you to cancel all TV shows except Matlock!

Elderly Resident 2:And if any show comes on before Matlock, we riot!

Sideshow Bob:Your Honor, I move that we set aside the charges of attempted murder. After all, what is attempted murder but failed murder? And if we punish failed attempts, then every unsuccessful chemistry student should be in jail!

Birch Barlow:They're coming after me next! Just like they came after Rush Limbaugh, just like they came after Oliver North, just like they came after that guy from McLintock!

Birch Barlow:And now they're after Joe Camel!

Caller:We need to throw grenades at City Hall!

Moe:Finally! A call to action I can get behind!

Moe:Alright fellas, let's go throw some grenades!

Barney:Wait, what?!

Moe:I got 'em right here. Nice and fresh from my basement.

Homer:Moe, those are real grenades!

Moe:D'oh! I thought they were metaphorical!

Mayor Quimby:My fellow citizens, I assure you that no amount of pressure will make me blow this election.

Mayor Quimby:I hereby pardon Sideshow Bob Underpants Terwilliger!

Sideshow Bob:Buongiorno, my fellow Republicans. Or as I like to say... Bonjour, mes amis capitalistes!

Principal Skinner:Now, I want all of you students to behave yourselves and follow the rules.

Principal Skinner:That means no running in the halls, no talking back to teachers, and absolutely no eating the grass on the school lawn.

Ralph Wiggum:But Principal Skinner, I like eating the grass.

Principal Skinner:Well, Wiggum, starting today, grass-eating is strictly prohibited. No grass-eating before school, during school, or after school.

Principal Skinner:No grass-eating on weekends, holidays, or during summer vacation.

Principal Skinner:And Wiggum, no eating the grass in the cafeteria, the gymnasium, or the parking lot either!

Sideshow Bob:Mayor Quimby's inconsistency is truly remarkable. One day he supports the arts, the next he's cutting funding entirely!

Sideshow Bob:The man flip-flops more than a fish out of water!

Bart:Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

Sideshow Bob:You meddling children have made a grave mistake. I will crush my political enemies with the same ruthlessness I've crushed you!

Sideshow Bob:In fact, I don't see any difference between a political opponent and a mortal threat. They're all equally deserving of my wrath!

Mr. Burns' goon:We know where you live. We know where you go to school. And if you don't pay up, we're gonna send you to... Riverdale.

Quimby campaign worker:Our new campaign slogan is 'Quimby: He's Adequate.'

Barney:Quimby? I thought you said 'Gimme! He's a duck!'

Grampa Simpson:Back in my day, we didn't have your fancy television. We had radio! And let me tell you, it was just as boring. There was a fellow named Herbert who would read the phone book for three hours every evening. A-B-C, Anderson, Andrew, 555-1234. Then he'd move on to the D's. We'd sit there, the whole family, just listening. Sometimes my wife would fall asleep, and I'd have to nudge her awake so she wouldn't miss the exciting transition from the D's to the E's. And the sponsors! Oh boy, the sponsors would interrupt every ten minutes to tell us about their new laxative. 'Golden Goose Laxative - it'll clear you out faster than you can say Eisenhower!' We thought we were living in the lap of luxury.

Larry King:Welcome to tonight's debate. I'm your moderator, Larry King, broadcasting live on Fox — the network that brought you 'Cops,' 'America's Most Wanted,' and apparently, now, the news.

Sideshow Bob:Your political commentary is as substantive as a cardboard cutout of a senator!

Larry King:Bob, Senator Fitzwilliam doesn't exist.

Sideshow Bob:Well, that explains why he never returned my calls.

Larry King:I'm going to describe an extremely violent and specific crime scenario that builds dramatic tension, and then ask you a mundane budget question.

Homer:Let's see... pro: I get to keep my money. Con: I have to kill my family.

Krusty:Yeah, Bob, you've done some terrible things to me over the years. But I'm willing to let bygones be bygones if there's a tax write-off in it for me.

News Anchor:We're calling the race for Bob. He wins by a landslide.

News Anchor:Mayor Quimby's vote total is within the margin of error.

Homer:It's the end of the world! We're all gonna die!

Marge:Homer, it's just fireworks.

Homer:Fireworks? That's what they want us to think! Bart, get in the basement! We need to hide you from God!

Bart:Dad, chill out.

Homer:No time for chilling! God's got a list, and you're probably on it!

Sideshow Bob:I'm afraid I have some bad news. The state has decided to build a new expressway, and your home is right in the path.

Homer Simpson:An expressway? But where will we go?

Sideshow Bob:Well, I'm sure they'll relocate you somewhere. Of course, there may be a few... complications during construction. Casualties, if you will.

Grampa Simpson:We gotta stop that expressway! I'll chain myself to the bulldozer!

Grampa Simpson:Blast it all! This is worse than the time they paved over my favorite spitting rock!

Grampa Simpson:In my day, we didn't have expressways. We had oxcarts, and we liked it!

Principal Skinner:I'm afraid you'll have to repeat fourth grade, Bart.

Bart:What?! That's not fair!

Principal Skinner:Actually, we're considering an even worse punishment.

Bart:What could be worse than that?

Principal Skinner:Kindergarten.

Bart:Hello? Hello?

Toy Phone:Hi Bart!

Bart:Whoa! This thing actually works!

Lisa:Both candidates are felons? That makes the disparity even more suspicious!

Homer:Comics? I thought you said COMICS! I can't read those things, there's too many words!

Lisa:Dad, they're investigating the mayor. Like Woodward and Bernstein.

Homer:Oh. Well, as long as it's not Riverdale. Those guys are still after me.

Smithers:I'm an anonymous informant. You can't know who I am.

Bart:Uh, Mr. Smithers?

Smithers:Shh! I said you couldn't know who I am!

Smithers:I'm sorry Mr. Burns, but I have to do this. You see, I've been living a lie all these years. I'm a... a... a Republican!

Homer:We can't afford a house anymore. We'll have to stay at a motel.

Bart:Cool! Do they have a magic fingers bed?

Homer:That's not magic, boy. That's just a vibrating bed you have to pay for.

Bart:How much?

Homer:A quarter.

Bart:A quarter?! We're rich!

Election Official:We've discovered dead people voting in this election.

Lisa:That's terrible! Who are they?

Election Official:Well, we've got Frank Sinatra, Marilyn Monroe, and John F. Kennedy.

Lisa:How is that even possible?

Election Official:It gets worse. We also found votes from Fluffy McWhiskers, Sir Barks-a-lot, and Tweety Von Feathers.

Lisa:Those are... pet names.

Election Official:Exactly. And we're still finding more: Hammy Neutron, Goldie Hound, and a goldfish named Nemo-crat.

Lisa:My snowball... used in voter fraud? This is the worst day of my life.

Lisa:This is personal now.

Bart:Lisa, he already tried to kill me.

Sideshow Bob:I care deeply about justice for children... those feculent little ankle-biters and their pestilent ways.

Lisa:It was Birch Tarragon Olsen Barlow all along.

Bart:Hey Bob, you're a puppet!

Lisa:Yeah, and that makes you subordinate to the puppeteer.

Bart:Which makes the puppeteer subordinate to the guy pulling his strings.

Lisa:Who's subordinate to the network executives.

Bart:Who answer to the sponsors.

Lisa:Who are all subordinate to Ringo Starr.

Bart:Ringo Starr?!

Sideshow Bob:You think you're so clever, don't you? Well, let me tell you something about your so-called 'superior intellect'...

Sideshow Bob:All those years of Shakespeare, all those years of Krusty's seltzer bottles—they mean NOTHING! You're just a bald-headed moron in orange shorts!

Sideshow Bob:You can't handle the truth! You see, the truth is a complex philosophical construct that exists in multiple dimensions of reality, encompassing not only the factual accuracy of statements and assertions, but also the deeper metaphysical nature of existence itself, which cannot be easily quantified or simplified into basic binary concepts of true or false, right or wrong, guilty or innocent, and therefore, I posit to you that your capacity to comprehend, process, and ultimately handle such a multifaceted and elaborate concept is, in fact, severely limited by the constraints of your human cognition!

Sideshow Bob:You see, my political philosophy is really quite simple. I believe in order, discipline, and the removal of all those tedious democratic processes that slow down progress. Of course, I frame it as civic duty and the greater good.

Ralph:I'm going to learn so much today! Miss Hoover said we're studying the alphabet song!

Lisa:Ralph, you've known the alphabet song since kindergarten.

Ralph:But Lisa, I heard there's a SECRET ending nobody knows about!

Lisa:Ralph... the song ends with Z.

Ralph:Now I know my ABCs, next time won't you sing with me?

Bob:I can't believe I'm stuck in this terrible prison with all these criminals.

Prison Guard:Actually, this is a minimum security facility for white-collar offenders. Most of our inmates are Ivy League alumni.

Inmate 1:Row, row, row your boat!

Inmate 2:Come on crew team, we've got the regatta in twenty minutes!