Homer is jealous when old classmate Vance Connor is inducted into the Springfield Walk of Fame. Lenny and Carl confess they fixed the result in favor of Principal Dondelinger - leading the hapless father to speculate on how his life would have changed had he won the ballot.
WAR
53.8
Wins Above Replacement
“Take My Life Please” ranks #118 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 82.5 — Elite. The episode packs 53 scored jokes at 2.7 per minute, averaging 7.1 on craft and 6.9 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Homer: Sunday's the Lord's day, boy, not God's. Completely different guy.
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: Marge, the way I feel about you is as real and lasting as my hairline.
Homer Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Lenny · Carl: He gave me one of his kidneys. Yeah, me, too.
Lisa: Are you kidding? We couldn't even convince you that Bruce Wayne is Batman.
Lisa Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Homer: And the taking of a life is murder. And the punishment for murder is-- well, it varies from state to state and by race.
Homer Dark/Subversive Observational ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 53 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Announcer · Crowd: legendary 20% tipper... (crowd gasps)
Barney: You're better than us!
Barney Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Homer: Sunday's the Lord's day, boy, not God's. Completely different guy.
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: A simpler time when the only thing we worried about was total nuclear annihilation.
Homer Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Principal Dondelinger: Please hold your applause forever.
Homer: I spent all night working on that speech, but now I realize the best thing to do is speak from my heart... Um, um, 'Webster's defines--' Um, 'In the words of Ted Nugent--'
Homer Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Principal Dondelinger: I've never heard a speech so bad. Ten days detention!
Principal Dondelinger · Homer: Anyone who votes for Vance gets a half-day tomorrow. Mm, half-day, eh?
Vance Connor: Uh, there they are, my favorite mixed-race couple.
Vance Connor: Behind this smile is a bigger smile trying to get out. Oh, oh, here it comes! Oh, yeah.
Vance Connor: No, actually they're like two leather clouds.
Moe: Like Vance, it is smooth, cool and oh, so sophisticated.
Moe Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Lenny · Carl: He gave me one of his kidneys. Yeah, me, too.
Carl: About how we give each other haircuts? No, we'll take that secret to our graves.
Carl Misdirection Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Principal Dondelinger: Okay, but screw this up, and it's Carnegie-Mellon University for the both of you!
Al Gore: Homer, I had a presidential election stolen from me. But I moved on, and I think you could say everything worked out all right. Isn't that right, Alfred? (speaking in a falsetto, as Alfred Nobel): It sure is, Albert.
Al Gore Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Lenny: California casual or business attire? California casual. (gulps)
Lenny Character Comedy Absurdist Homer · Lenny: The ballot box?! No, this is the box that tells us where the ballot box is.
Homer: What will this box reveal? And what will I use this box for afterwards? Mismatched bolts and nuts? Recipes? I may never know.
Homer Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Homer · Lisa: Homer Simpson. Woo-hoo! Vance Connor. D'oh! Please stop doing that. 'D'oh!' or 'woo-hoo!'? Both.
Homer: Marge, I still would be married to you, but you would just be hotter.
Homer Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Homer: And the taking of a life is murder. And the punishment for murder is-- well, it varies from state to state and by race.
Homer Dark/Subversive Observational ★ Rewatch Homer: And tell him I know what he did last summer... 22 years ago... in the winter!
Homer Misdirection Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Groundskeeper Willie: No other foursome would have me. My legs gross people out.
Homer · Bart: Yes! I want him to know that if your life doesn't turn out the way you want there's someone else to blame! Oh, I already knew that, Dad. I'm going to blame you.
Homer Bart Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: Virgin? What are you, a girl?
Homer Character Comedy Observational Unknown students: Hey, what if we got everyone to vote for him, as a joke, and he won? Then we could laugh at him all the way through high school and at every reunion.
Homer: You denied me my dream, so I'm angry. But you did it out of kindness, so I'm grateful. I'm filled with respect and contempt for you!
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Principal Dondelinger: I would steal school chalk for my home chalkboard.
Principal Dondelinger: The brown-haired girl gave me a look. The redhead in the park was reading a book. The girl at the airport upgraded my car. Tonight I wonder just where you are.
Bart: Yeah, I can actually see your hands. They're not just a blur.
Bart Observational Character Comedy Luigi: Oh, you could know... if you dared. In the kitchen is a man from the old country who works for me. He stirs the sauce-a.
Luigi Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Lisa · Luigi: Also, as a vegetarian, I hope there's not meat in that sauce. Any other orders, Mussolini?
Students: Our president's a real loser! Yeah. A loser... like us! He proves you don't have to be popular to have everyone like you!
Restaurant patron: Hey, everyone! The stupid fat man is talking to garlic bread!
Homer: 'Color My World,' 'Disco Sucks' and Butthead the Goat.
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Homer: They're too big to fail.
Homer Meta/Self-Referential Observational ★ Rewatch Homer: Forget it, Marge. A girl like you could never land a Homer Simpson.
Homer Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Debbie: Nobody's ever asked me to use my head-brain before!
Debbie Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Debbie: I was going to let you get to fifth base. It would've been something you told your grandchildren about.
Debbie Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Homer: Marge, the way I feel about you is as real and lasting as my hairline.
Homer Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Patty or Selma: I don't know, but in this reality, I am not gay!
Mr. Burns: 7-G? Let the Lennys and the Carls of the world waste their wretched lives in that testicle-shriveling torture chamber. Son, you'll be working in... Sector 6-F!
Grandpa: Oh, I can't complain and I never do!
Grandpa Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Grandpa: Oh, I can't complain and I never do! Thanks for letting me live in your guest house.
Grandpa Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Marge: You used protection. We never had any.
Marge Dark/Subversive Character Comedy sauce stirrer: If you could live in the sauce, don't you think I would live in the sauce? Stupid-o!
Luigi's worker: If you could live in the sauce, don't you think I would live in the sauce? Stupid-o!
Lisa: Are you kidding? We couldn't even convince you that Bruce Wayne is Batman.
Lisa Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Homer: He's too busy socializing at cocktail parties and managing the affairs of the Wayne foundation.
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Bart: Why does he think Alfred's friends with Batman?
Bart Character Comedy Absurdist Homer: It's like bringing Richard Nixon to the Watergate. Or Kevin Costner to Waterworld.
Homer Observational Character Comedy Homer: Well, we can't all be Homer Simpson, son.
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Top Episodes — The Simpsons
