Grampa falls in love with Zelda, a woman who has an interest in men who can drive. He decides to get his driver's license back, but is ignorant to Homer and Marge's concerns that she is only using him for his car.
WAR
34.7
Wins Above Replacement
“The Old Man And The Key” ranks #419 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 75.0 — Great. The episode packs 63 scored jokes at 3.5 per minute, averaging 6.7 on craft and 6.5 on impact, with Abe landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Homer: And he never even lived to be a vegetable.
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Gang member: I would rather die than have people not know what stores I have been to.
Homer: Sure, I said I loved him, but never that I was in love with him.
Homer Cringe/Discomfort Absurdist ★ Rewatch Abe: Movies were better in our day. For a nickel you got two movies, a cartoon, a bag of popcorn and a whipping. Kept your mind on your business.
Abe Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Abe: These are hobo signs. They're to tell other hobos if a place is friendly or not. That one means good vittles. Sexy daughter. Mass hobo grave in cellar.
Abe Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 63 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer: Homer crashes the car during opening sequence - D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)
Homer Physical/Slapstick Running Gag ★ Rewatch Homer: Not now, Marge. I'm waiting for the new XFL season! / The 'X' is for 'Extreme.'
Homer Observational Character Comedy Marge · Homer: There is no XFL this year. The league folded. / (EXCLAIMS) Who told you? / Last year's MVP. He sweeps up toenails at the beauty parlor.
Marge: Last year's MVP. He sweeps up toenails at the beauty parlor.
Marge Dark/Subversive Absurdist Automated Voice: Your parent... Abraham Simpson... is dead. / Complications of a medical nature. The nursing home was not responsible.
Homer: And he never even lived to be a vegetable.
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: Sure, I said I loved him, but never that I was in love with him.
Homer Cringe/Discomfort Absurdist ★ Rewatch Abe · Simpson family: What's got into you punks? / The home told us you were dead. / Me? I ain't dead. It was Stamson down the hall.
Abe: So much for Mr. I Can Button My Own Shirt.
Abe Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Abe: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll call you or send you some fruit.
Abe Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Zelda: Hi. I'm Zelda. I put the 'ass' in assisted living.
Zelda Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Abe: Abe Simpson's the name, and now that you're here, I'm changing my instructions to 'do resuscitate.'
Abe Wordplay/Pun Setup/Punchline Elderly woman: Hey, who's the tall drink of Maalox?
Elderly resident: Eh, that's Zack. He's as smooth as a 50-year-old behind.
Zack · Elderly women: It's got a wheelchair lift. (ALL EXCLAIM) (ALL BREATHING HEAVILY)
Abe: Is this the Dairy Queen? (MOANING)
Abe Visual Gag Cringe/Discomfort Abe: But Zelda, if you're looking for something with a big backseat and a lot of gas, I'm your man.
Abe: You've never heard Garrison Keillor till you've heard him through five speakers.
Abe Character Comedy Observational Bart · Abe: You sunk my Scrabbleship. / This game makes no sense. / Tell that to the good men who just lost their lives. Semper Fi.
Bart Abe Absurdist Escalation ★ Rewatch Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Lisa: Statistics show that old people drive at least as well as sleep-deprived apes.
Lisa Observational Setup/Punchline Homer · Abe: Dad, get up. / No, I'm dead. / Dead! / Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead!
Abe · Homer: Woo-hoo! And I want driving gloves. / No way! / Dead, dead, dead, dead!
Elderly driving students: Leo, slow down. That looks like a nice place to eat. / Carla's daughter works in that building.
Lou: You know, it's kind of ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over.
Lou Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Abe: That's my seeing eye. The right one's my winking eye.
Abe Character Comedy Absurdist Patty · Abe: I'll give you your license if you never do that again. / Oh, everything's the last time I do everything.
Homer: Oh, no. I'm not giving you my car. You'd probably drive it.
Homer Irony/Sarcasm Setup/Punchline Abe: Wow, a booth. If I'm tired, I can just lie down.
Abe Character Comedy Observational Teen · Teen: This is the best party of my life. / Bro, you tapped the septic tank.
Abe: Movies were better in our day. For a nickel you got two movies, a cartoon, a bag of popcorn and a whipping. Kept your mind on your business.
Abe Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Zelda · Abe: Save your breath. Seriously. / Well, I gotta do something before the Viagra kicks in.
Zelda Abe Setup/Punchline Cringe/Discomfort Lisa · Abe: Hey, I've earned their trust. / Oh! Everybody trusts Lisa. Precious little Lisa. Apple of her daddy's eye.
Abe · Homer · Marge: She's no hoochie. Her name is Zelda and she understands me. / Grampa, I gotta tell you, she's a stone-cold hoochie. / Straight up, Marge. That hoochie only likes you because you can drive.
Marge · Homer: He is your dad. / Cosmic.
Customer · Apu · Customer: I'll take one, Achu. / No, not 'chu,' 'pu.' / I got troubles with both.
Elderly customer: Finally the shakes are working for me.
Tough guy: Your scrapings have landed on my jacket from Planet Hollywood, Orlando.
Tough guy: I should cut you like I cut sodium out of my diet.
Gang members: Los Souvenir Jacquitos!
Abe · Bystander: Some sort of death race? / That's what I would do.
Gang member · Abe: What are you scared of, old man? / Everything. Dogs, Dutchmen, the gathering darkness.
Gang member · Gang member: When I yank down my girlfriend's tube top, the race will begin. / What? I'm just trying to bring you into my world.
Gang member: I would rather die than have people not know what stores I have been to.
Abe: We're the baddest punks in our age bracket!
Abe Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Abe: My beard. I broke my beard.
Abe Physical/Slapstick Absurdist Zelda: I've booked us a room for the weekend in Branson, Missouri. The Gritz Carlton Hotel.
Zelda Wordplay/Pun Observational Zelda: I'll always think of you as my friend without a car.
Zelda Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Zack: Zelda, I'm gonna make you forget about your grandchildren.
Abe: And if I go to prison, I'll get better food and more hugs.
Abe Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Radio Announcer: It's The Itchy and Scratchy Hour, presented by Hansen's Moustache Wax, the moustache wax Hitler doesn't use.
Abe · Bart: During the war, Eleanor Roosevelt was the voice of Scratchy. / The lady knows funny.
Homer: Oh, sure, when he does something bad, he's my father.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Abe: These are hobo signs. They're to tell other hobos if a place is friendly or not. That one means good vittles. Sexy daughter. Mass hobo grave in cellar.
Abe Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Local · Abe · Local: No, pally. This is Bronson, Missouri. / Well, how do we get to Branson? / Number 10 bus.
Local · Ma · Local: Hey, Ma, how about some cookies? / No dice. / This ain't over.
Branson performers: Was it drugs or a car crash Or facelift gone wrong? No, they're right here in Branson And singing this song
Abe · Tennessee Ernie Ford: Tennessee Ernie Ford? Now, I know you're dead. / No. You just think I'm dead. / No, you're dead. I was your biggest fan. Look, I clipped your obituary.
Marge · Lisa · Marge · Lisa: Oh, no, there's gambling. We just have to find it! / Look, Mom, it's your car. / Bet you they're not. Three to one. How much you got? / Mom, you're hurting me.
Bart: It's Captain Bringdown and The Buzzkillers.
Bart Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Abe · Audience: Nobody dumps Abe Simpson. You're nothing but a hoochie. / (CHANTING) Hoochie, hoochie, hoochie!
Abe · Homer: Son, can you forgive an old fool? / Only in public.
Russian performer: In Russia, stage is for performers only.
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