After seeing Aunt Gladys die alone, Aunt Selma wants to get married and have a baby... until she spends a day babysitting Bart and Lisa at Duff Gardens.
Selma's desperation carries 63 jokes through a 79.8 episode without standout peaks.
Directed by Carlos Baeza · Written by David M. Stern
WAR
55.8
Wins Above Replacement
“Selmas Choice” ranks #216 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 79.8 — Elite. The episode packs 63 scored jokes at 3.2 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 6.7 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Marge: Wait a minute. That was Prince of Tides.
Marge Meta/Self-Referential Misdirection ★ Rewatch Selma: Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?
Selma Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline Marge · Homer: The Erotic Adventures of Hercules with Norman Fell as Zeus. Whoo-hoo!
Homer: Come to Homercles! I can't. The beans will burn. Homercles cares not for beans.
Homer Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Callback Marge · Selma: No man will want you. All I got now is sperm in a cup.
All Jokes — 63 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Lance Murdock: Lance Murdock jumping 16 blazing school buses then saying 'I'm goin' to Duff Gardens!'
Announcer · Riders: To be completed in 1994. [Groaning, Screams]
Homer · Bart · Lisa: Now, what do we say when we get to the ticket booth? 'We're under six.' And I'm a college student.
Homer · Marge: 'Bout yay high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead? No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
Homer: [Shudders] Oh, yeah. There she is.
Homer Reaction Beat Visual Gag Homer · Marge: But I wanna go to Duff Gardens right now! Oh, Homer, quit pouting. I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.
Patty · Selma: We're hugging us. What do we do? Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.
Patty Selma Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Homer · Lisa: Hey, you don't hear Lisa complaining. [Muffled Whimpering]
Homer: [Thinking] Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman. [Laughing] Legend of the dog-faced woman. Oh, that's good!
Homer Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Marge: Wait a minute. That was Prince of Tides.
Marge Meta/Self-Referential Misdirection ★ Rewatch Minister: That's a woman? Dear Lord! Well, I guess most of what I said can be salvaged.
Minister Setup/Punchline Cringe/Discomfort Patty: Take a seat, bozo. And that eulogy better not show up on the bill.
Patty Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Patty: Gladys lived alone, died alone. I guess you could say she was a role model for Selma and me.
Patty Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Homer: Boy, am I hungry. I mean I'm really, really hungry. It's just not fair, damn it! [Sobbing]
Homer Character Comedy Escalation Bart · Lisa: [Throaty Voice] Don't worry about it. [Screaming]
Bart Lisa Setup/Punchline Physical/Slapstick Lionel Hutz: She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this 'Play' button. Pretty sweet, hey?
Homer · Others: All in favor of skipping the poem. Thank you.
Gladys · Lionel Hutz: To my executor, Lionel Hutz I leave $50,000. Mr. Hutz! You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would.
Gladys · Homer: These chips were my children, Marjorie. Take special care of them. [Crunching] Uh-oh.
Selma: Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?
Selma Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline Gladys: Don't die lonely like me. Raise a family, and do it now. Now! Now! Now!
Selma · Patty: Don't worry. We'll get that 'barking dog' record tomorrow. Patty, I want a baby.
Selma: You're lookin' at a free lunch, boys. Come and get it. [Imitates Tiger Snarl]
Selma Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Dating Service Worker: [Scottish Accent] Ach! Back to the loch with you, Nessie.
Gypsy Fortune Teller: Mostly corn syrup, a little rubbing alcohol. You'll be lucky if it doesn't make your hair fall out actually.
Selma · Store Clerk: So, wearing a belt, are ya? Yep. No suspenders for you. I guess not.
Store Clerk · Co-worker · Arnold: I'm not allowed to date customers. It's store policy. No, it isn't. Ow! Shut up, Arnold.
Selma · Waiter: Cold biscuits... chicken... yellow... mailman. You're reading the wine list, sir.
Selma's Date: Ew! Get outta my car.
Announcer: where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore.
Announcer Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Lisa · Selma: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous but have you ever considered artificial insemination? Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
Sperm Bank Worker · Baby: All done! Thank you. Always a pleasure. What a beautiful little girl. [Loud Belch]
Selma: A Nobel Prize winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh! One of the Sweathogs. I checked. It's not Horshack.
Selma Setup/Punchline Escalation ★ Rewatch Selma: Ooh! You look just like your picture.
Selma Callback Visual Gag Callback Selma: I got a lotta love to give and, right now, my only outlet is my ham radio.
Selma Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Marge · Selma: No man will want you. All I got now is sperm in a cup.
Lisa: Oh, great. Dad's dead.
Lisa Deadpan/Understatement Setup/Punchline Marge · Homer: Geez, we hardly made a dent in that 10-foot hoagie. Well, I'll give it a good home. Mm!
Homer: Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist Homer · Marge: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment. Are you going to eat it? Yes.
Bart · Marge: To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself. That's the spirit.
Homer: This is all your fault! It-- Oh, how can I stay mad at you?
Homer Character Comedy Visual Gag Sign · Selma: Twenty-two immigrant laborers died during its construction. Plenty more where that came from.
Sign Selma Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Surly: Hey! Take a picture. It'll last longer. Get outta here.
Surly Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Selma · Bart: This is a disgrace. Settle down. Anything this bad has to be educational.
Homer: What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday? 1,000-to-1.
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist Homer · Marge: Yentl? What's that? It deals with a bookish young woman's efforts to enter rabbinical school. Sounds great! Oh, my God! You're delirious.
Bart · Selma: You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma? I said take off those damn glasses!
Surly Character Comedy Callback Callback Homer · Marge: That Yentl puts the 'she' in yeshiva. Hmm. Well, you've cooled down. That's what you think. [Imitates Tiger Growl]
Marge · Homer: The Erotic Adventures of Hercules with Norman Fell as Zeus. Whoo-hoo!
Lisa · Ride Operator: I wanna get off! You can't get off. We have five more continents to visit.
Lisa: They're all around me! No way out! No way out, I tell you!
Lisa Escalation Cringe/Discomfort TV Character: Hercules! The Cyclops tore off my clothes.
Lisa: Ahh! I can see the music.
Lisa Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Selma · Surly: Can't you do something? Hey. Surly only looks out for one guy-- Surly. Sorry, Surly. Shut up.
Selma: I think their father is missing a chromosome.
Selma Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Lisa: I am the Lizard Queen!
Lisa Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Duff Gardens Worker: Oh, I'm not a doctor.
Homer: Come to Homercles! I can't. The beans will burn. Homercles cares not for beans.
Homer Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Callback Homer · Selma: You take an ordinary bed sheet, fold it around like this-- No. I mean raising kids.
Selma: When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.
Selma Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline Callback Top Episodes — The Simpsons