When Springfield gets a sudden windfall, a charismatic traveling salesman convinces the town to build a monorail.
Monorail scam unfolds through 73 jokes in 22 minutes—absurdist character work at peak density.
Directed by Rich Moore · Written by Conan O'Brien
WAR
76.3
Wins Above Replacement
“Marge Vs The Monorail” ranks #31 of 226 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 85.6 — Elite. The episode packs 73 scored jokes at 3.5 per minute, averaging 7.1 on craft and 7.0 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Well, sir, there's nothing on earth like a genuine, bona fide... electrified, six-car monorail. What'd I say? Monorail! What's it called? Monorail! That's right, monorail!
The ring came off my pudding can! Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear it's Springfield's only choice. Throw up your hands and raise your voice.
Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub... and I come from, uh, someplace far away.
You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it. [Laughter] Mule.
Well, sir, where shall we dump this batch? The playground? No. All those bald children are arousing suspicion. To the park!
All Jokes — 73 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ D'oh! [Screams]
Homer Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Yabba dabba do!
Homer Observational Meta/Self-Referential What do they do with these things after we seal 'em? I hear they dump 'em in an abandoned chalk mine and cover 'em with cement.
I hear they're sending 'em to one of those southern states where the governor's a crook.
Either way, I'm sleeping good tonight.
Well, sir, where shall we dump this batch? The playground? No. All those bald children are arousing suspicion. To the park!
I think it's full, sir. That's ridiculous! The last tree held nine drums.
Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life... this court fines you three million dollars. Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket.
Oh, and, uh, I'll take that statue of Justice too. Sold!
Oh, Andy Capp. You wife-beating drunk. [Chuckles]
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Mmm, excellent. Hello, Lisa. I'm Genghis Khan. You'll go where I go... defile what I defile, eat who I eat.
Bart, we'll do anything you want. just call off your giant mechanical ants! Aah! [Laughing Evilly]
Like a giant billboard that says, 'No fat chicks'? No!
Could this town be any stupider? Order! Please rise for the, uh, Pledge of Allegiance. Get to the money!
Don't you mean three million dollars? Of course. How silly of me.
Excuse me. We could use the money to hire firemen... to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town. Boring!
Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub... and I come from, uh, someplace far away.
Yes, that will do. Anyway... I-I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant. I like the way Snrub thinks.
Pardon me, but I would like to see this money... spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year... and as a result, I almost missed work. Crybaby.
My name is Marge Simpson, and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first. Chat a way. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
Whoo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly!
Homer Character Comedy Visual Gag Oh! I ain't fer it. I'm agin it!
You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it. [Laughter] Mule.
Probably the greatest-- Ah, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea. Now wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. just tell us your idea, and we'll vote for it.
I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook... and by gum, it put them on the map!
Well, sir, there's nothing on earth like a genuine, bona fide... electrified, six-car monorail. What'd I say? Monorail! What's it called? Monorail! That's right, monorail!
I hear those things are awfully loud. It glides as softly as a cloud. Is there a chance the track could bend? Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
What about us brain-dead slobs? You'll be given cushy jobs. Were you sent here by the devil? No, good sir. I'm on the level.
The ring came off my pudding can! Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear it's Springfield's only choice. Throw up your hands and raise your voice.
But Main Street's still all cracked and broken. Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
Marge Bart Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Mono-- D'oh!
Homer Character Comedy Physical/Slapstick Callback Well, you should have written a song like that guy.
Marge Meta/Self-Referential Deadpan/Understatement Miss Hoover? That is hard to believe. Oh, you. [Chuckles]
Can it outrun The Flash? You bet. Can Superman outrun The Flash? Uh, sure. Why not?
I'd like you to explain... why we should build a mass transit system... in a small town with a centralized population. [Chuckles] Young lady... that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked. Really? Oh, I could give you an answer. But the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me... and that includes your teacher.
Next question. You there, eating the paste.
Are you stuck in a dead-end job? Maybe. Are you squandering the precious gift Of life in front of the idiot box? What's it to you? Are you on your third beer of the evening? Does whiskey count as beer?
Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game... and you did it last year, remember?
Marge Character Comedy Callback Before we begin, is anyone here an investigative reporter? I am, and she is. Well, I'd like you to please leave. Should we take our hidden camera? Would you?
True or false: You can get mono from riding the monorail. Mmm, false. No, wait. Maybe it's true. No, you were right. It's false.
You know, I used to think you were stuck... in an emasculating, go-nowhere job. [Chuckles] Kids. But now, I wanna follow in your footsteps. Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju.
According to this book, the monorail goes over 1 50 miles an hour. What if something goes wrong? What if? What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh, my God, I'd be killed!
We monorail conductors are a crazy breed... half in love with death, gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts.
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist So then, 'mono' means 'one,' and 'rail' means 'rail.' And that concludes our intensive three-week course.
Instructor Absurdist Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Homer, there's a family Of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey.
Marge Homer Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch How much did you see? Uh, nothing incriminating. Good. Well, bye.
Go away! There ain't no monorail, and there never was!
And the celebrity on the maiden voyage was Gallagher.
I locked my keys in there. Get a rock.
Krusty, why won't you answer my calls? You've never even seen our son!
He's cool, he's sexy, he's 34 years old.
What ya been up to, Lurleen? I spent last night in a ditch.
I'd say this vessel could do at least warp five. And let me say... 'May the force be with you.' Do you even know who I am? I think I do. Weren't you one Of the Little Rascals?
Little lady, I'd love to, but I have to catch a plane. The ride only takes a minute. Yeah, well, my plane leaves in less than one minute.
We're too late! I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.
Marge Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Actually, you see, the doors on Star Trek were not mechanical. We had a stagehand on either side... who would pull the door open when he saw you approach.
The lever you have pulled--brakes-- Is not in service. Please make a note of it.
Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream... 180 miles an hour.
Ah. It's making me dizzy. I'm gonna take a nap.
All right, I'm in charge here. Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere. Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass.
Hey, according to the charter... as chief constable I'm supposed to get a pig every month... 'and two comely lasses of virtue true.' Keep the pig. How many broads do I get?
Wait a minute. We can just shut off the power! No such luck. It's solar-powered. Solar power. When will people learn?
A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on. Does anyone want to switch seats?
North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no. Oh, no! There he is-- seat 3-F!
Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter.
Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Batman? No, he's a scientist. Batman's a scientist. It's not Batman!
Arr! Ya call that an anchor?
Arr! Ya call that an anchor?
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? Dad, you're a hero. Yes, son. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.
Well, my work is done here. What do you mean, Your work is done? You didn't do anything. Didn't I?
And that was the only folly... the people of Springfield ever embarked upon... except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper... and the 50-foot magnifying glass... and that escalator to nowhere.
Marge Escalation Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Whoa! Aah!
Citizens Visual Gag Physical/Slapstick Callback Top Episodes — The Simpsons
