Homers Triple Bypass

D'oh! [Screams]

Close, but no doughnut, cops.

This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect... driving a... car of some sort... heading in the direction of, uh... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

My heart is just f-- [Gasps, Groans] - Homie, what is it? -Just workin' the turkey through.

Hey, Lise, there was a big train wreck last night. Do you wanna see the victims? - Hmm, okay. - Yaah! - Bart, that's gross! - You're right. Let's bury them at sea. Bleah!

You know that feeling you get... when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now. Ooh! Bacon!

Psst! The best meat's in the rump.

What the hell is this? - Nice, healthy oatmeal. - Ooh, oatmeal. What a delightful treat. Oh, there's a bug in it. - No, there isn't. - Trust me.

Dad, there's a bug on that. Eh.

Whew! I was afraid it was my transmission.

Billy, remember that old Plymouth We just couldn't fix? - We're gonna sell him to Mr. Nikapopolus? - You're a dull boy, Billy.

That's right. Keep eating. Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poisoned doughnut. [Chuckling] There is a poisoned one-- isn't there, Smithers? Uh, no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder. Damn their oily hides!

Damn their oily hides!

Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello. [Sighs] And good-bye! You're fired! [Gasps] But wait. Perhaps I'm being Too hasty. You are highly skilled... [Sighs] at goofing off!

Now, don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig... a grave for! [Gasps] Your indolence is inefficacious! Oh? That means you're terrible!

Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow. Mmm. Ham. No, wait. He's alive. Oh, good. Cancel the ham. D'oh!

He was taking a bite, and his jaw locked. Hey, look. I can fit my entire fist in here. [Muffled] Hey, hey, hey. Cut it out. What's that, Chief? Cut it out.

Ooh. Buy three tubes of Mr. Blister... get one free. [Phone Ringing] Hello. Yes. Oh, dear Lord! Homer's in the hospital! They think it's his heart! [Door Shuts] Oh, my God. What? Five cents off wax paper.

Marge, my whole life flashed before my eyes. [Flashback sequence of Homer as a child with angelic voice that cracks] What a voice. Young Homer is going to make me millionaire. [Voice cracks] Hey, my voice just changed. [Singing tunelessly] Dagnabbit!

What a voice. Young Homer is going to make me a millionaire. [Voice Cracks, Deepens] Hey, my voice just changed. [Singing Tunelessly] Dagnabbit!

Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you've just had a mild heart attack. But I'm out of the woods now, right? I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten.

Look! Hey, come on. Quit it. Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny.

How 'bout this little bee? [Buzzing] No! Oh! Remember your hippopotamus oath.

Remember your hippopotamus oath.

Well, we can't fix his heart... but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is. What an age we live in!

Now, Homer, this is a new body fat analysis test. I start you jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop. Whoo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly! Yes. Nurse, cancel my 1:00.

Say it in English, Doc. You're going to need open-heart surgery. Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo. We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker. Could you dumb it down a shade?

This procedure will cost you upwards of... $30,000. [Homer gasps, cries out, thud] I'm afraid it's now 40,000.

Now, how much do we have in the checkbook? Seventy dollars. Have we deposited any $40,000 checks that haven't cleared yet? No.

Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain-- well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

Questions? Questions? Oh! My whole scheme down the-- I mean, ask away.

Oh, I thought that said 'brain hemorrhages.'

Must... sign... policy! Sir, I'm sorry. We can't insure you. I made an 'H.' No, that doesn't count. It's like an 'X.'

Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone. And there were all these guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt.

Maybe I should buy one of those machines. [Groaning] Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.

Now, I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there 'blah, blah, blah-ing,' I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners.

Now, I know I haven't been the best Jew... but I rented Fiddler on the Roof, and I will watch it.

Son, they call it a 'droodle.' Whoo-hoo! Look at it go!

Hi, everybody! Are you looking for a way to slash the cost... of your medical expenses? I will perform any operation for 129.95. Come in for brain surgery... and receive a free Chinese finger trap.

Come in for brain surgery... and receive a free Chinese finger trap. [Grunting]

Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The 'B' is for 'bargain'!

Well, Marge, we could do worse. How? Uh, some dog could do the operation.

Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation. We feel neither highs nor lows. Really? What's it like? Eh.

So the tiny Aorta fairies will take Mr. Leg Vein on a long trip... to get married to Princess Left Ventricle.

Dad, are you trying to tell us you're getting a coronary artery bypass graft? Uh, yeah.

What if they botch it? I won't have a dad... for a while.

Kids. Kids. I'm not gonna die. That only happens to bad people. What about Abraham Lincoln? Uh-- He sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren.

Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down.

Well, if that don't put the 'dink' in co-inky-dink.

I'm having a kidney and a lung removed. Who are you donating 'em to? First come, first serve.

If I could give you my heart, Homer, I would. Shut up, Flanders.

Dr. Riviera. Dr. Nick Riviera. Please report to the coroner immediately. The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy.

Well, see you in the operating place. Where are the bodies? Oh, such a nice day. I think I'll go out the window. Ho!

Oh, such a nice day. I think I'll go out the window. Ho! [Objects clattering]

Dear Lord, thank you For Ziggy comics, little baby ducks... and Sweatin' to the Oldies, volumes one, two and four.

My dad is very sick. What's gonna happen if he dies? Well, if he's been good, he'll go to heaven. In heaven, you get to do Whatever you like best all the time. Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down.

Krusty, why are you here? Eh, it's part of my public service... for my glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump.

You seem okay. Yeah? Well, I got news for ya. This ain't makeup.

They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it.

When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it. Barney, I'm not getting a sex change! What? Well, what the hell am I supposed to do... with this jumbo thong bikini?

Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake. Thanks, Moe. Uh, you know, Homer, that beer ain't free.

Mom, this is fascinating. Did you know that they'll stop Dad's heart for six whole minutes? I don't know if I like you reading all those cardiology books.

And I've learned a great deal from this cow's heart I got at the butcher shop. Insert the retractor... and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge.

Insert the retractor... and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. [Bones cracking] Ah! No! Blood! Ugh! Next, make an incision in the coronary artery-- And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.

Oh, no! No! Someone taped over the end of this!

Oh, Homie, I could never remarry. Darn right. And to make sure, I want to be stuffed and put on the couch... as a constant reminder of our marital vows.

Bart, the saddest thing about this is I won't get to see you grow up... [Whispering] I know you're gonna turn out great, with or without your old man. Thanks, Dad. And Lisa... [Whispering] I guess this is the time to tell you-- [Whispering] you're adopted and I don't like you. Bart!

Bart, the saddest thing about this is I won't get to see you grow up, because-- [Whispering] I know you're gonna turn out great, with or without your old man.

Hi, everybody! Hi, Dr. Nick!

These gloves came free with my toilet brush.

Marge, this is Andre. Hello. [Chuckles] I think you two would make a lovely couple. My husband is still alive! Oh. Thank God. I hope he pulls through. Not me. [Chuckles]

Poor Mr. Homer. Could it be that my snack treats... are responsible for his wretched health? Gimme some jerky. Would you like some vodka with that? Oh, what the hell. Sure.

Doctor, what's wrong? Don't you know where to make the incision? All right, Nick. Don't panic. Think back to med school. Seriously, baby. I can prescribe anything I want. I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? And where?

Hey! The incision in the coronary artery... must be made below the blockage! Below! Thanks, little girl!

Well if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg... with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.