Brother From The Same Planet

Homer:D'oh!

Coach:Come on, team! You gotta have the eye of the tiger!

Nelson:Ha-ha! I hurt someone!

Coach:Nelson, you've won the camp spot!

Nelson:Thanks, Dad.

Bart:Come on, we gotta see this R-rated movie!

Milhouse:Yeah, my parents said I can't watch anything more grown-up than a PG-13.

Ralph:What movie are we sneaking into?

Bart:It's called 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being.' It's totally forbidden.

Milhouse:Whoa, that sounds dangerous!

Nelson:Ha-ha! You dorks paid ten bucks to watch some boring art movie?

Milhouse:Radioactive Man!

Other kids:Radioactive Man! Radioactive Man!

Homer:D'oh!

TV Announcer:Tonight on Wings, Frasier discovers he has a twin brother nobody knew about. Also, Helen gets a job at the airport gift shop. And Tony falls in love with a waitress.

TV Announcer:Wings. On NBC.

TV Announcer:...or don't watch it. We don't care.

Homer:Homer, Homer, Homer... what was I supposed to do?

Homer:Pick up Bart

Homer:Even Barney's belch sounds like 'Bart'

Homer:Let's see... 'EGBDF.' What does that stand for?

Homer:E... G... B... D... F... Every Good Boy Does... Fried?

Homer:No wait, that's not it. Every Good Boy Does... Fenestration?

Homer:Argh! Why did I write this down if I'm just gonna forget what it means?

Homer:Bart's gone?! Where is he? When did he leave? How did he get out? Why didn't anyone stop him? Which?!

Homer:Bart! Bart, where are you?!

Ned:Well, howdy-doodly, Homer! My, you're looking quite... au naturel today!

Homer:Stupid Bart...

Ned:I don't mean to be impertinent-diddly, but shouldn't you be wearing some pants-a-rooney?

Homer:Bart, I'm sorry I forgot about you. But in my defense, you're kind of forgettable.

Bart:That's not an apology, Dad.

Homer:Look, we both made mistakes here. You for being born, me for not paying attention.

Krusty:Hey hey! You're watching the Krusty the Clown Show, where half the show is hilarious comedy gold, and the other half is... well, let's just say even I don't know what that is.

Homer:Why is the room spinning?

TV Announcer:We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news. Gallagher has been in a terrible accident.

Homer:Gallagher? Who's Gallagher?

Lenny:That guy who smashes watermelons with a sledgehammer.

Homer:Oh. Well, who's gonna smash watermelons now?

Barney:I guess we'll have to find another guy.

Bart:Yeah, hi, I'm calling because I'm an orphan and I need a big brother.

Bigger Brothers Volunteer:An orphan? What happened to your parents?

Bart:Well, my dad's a real jerk and my mom won't stand up to him, so basically I'm an orphan.

Homer:Why is this show still on? It's been 30 minutes!

Homer:And we've got 22 more minutes of this garbage? Who approved this runtime?

Pepi:My parents left me at the airport when I was just a baby. They said they'd be right back. They never came back. D'oh!

Bart:You're a bad father.

Homer:Bad father? I'm the best dad ever! I'm totally cool and hip. Why, just yesterday I told Milhouse he was all that and a bag of chips!

Homer:You want me to demonstrate? I'll show you some real butt wiggling.

Marge:Homer, no!

Homer:Oh, come on. It's called getting jiggy with it.

Homer:Wait a minute... they charge you shipping and handling? That's a scam! A complete scam! I'm calling the police!

Homer:No, wait... I am the police.

Lisa:Dad, can I go to the library and stay out until midnight?

Homer:Sure, sweetie.

Lisa:Can I also get a belly button piercing?

Homer:Uh-huh.

Lisa:And can I drop out of school?

Homer:Whatever you want, honey.

Lisa:I promise I'll stop calling the Corey hotline.

Marge:Oh, that's wonderful, honey!

Lisa:Yeah, I'm switching to the Corey website.

Homer:Dad, what are you doing? You just went over 21!

Grampa:I know, but the dealer's still going.

Dealer:Bust.

Grampa:Woo-hoo! I won!

Homer:Dad, you busted too. You lost everything.

Grampa:But I busted AFTER the dealer!

Crowd:Boo! Boo!

Homer:Finally, a baseball game I can enjoy!

Doctor:Well, Bart, this page shows two characters in conflict. You see how they're both angry? You can color one red and one blue to show their emotions.

Bart:Cool! Can I color them both on fire?

Doctor:I... suppose that's one interpretation of conflict.

Corey Hotline:You've reached Corey Hotline. What's your name?

Caller:It's Homer Simpson.

Corey Hotline:Homer Simpson, Homer Simpson, it rhymes with... D'oh man!

Corey Hotline:Homer Simpson, Homer Simpson, anatomyically he's the Ptolemaean man!

Corey Hotline:Homer Simpson, Homer Simpson, Homering, domer, D'oh-ing...

Ren:This soup is delicious, Stimpy!

Stimpy:Thanks, Ren! I made it fresh!

Ren:What are the ingredients?

Stimpy:Well, I found a dead fish behind the couch and—

Bart:Wow, this military weapon toy is amazing! I'm totally dominating with this thing.

Bart:You know, I owe it all to the military-industrial complex. Without them, I'd never be this good.

Milhouse:My turn! I brought my pet horse!

Milhouse:Neeeeeigh! Neeeeeigh!

Bart:Milhouse, that's the worst horse sound I've ever heard.

Milhouse:Well, I'm doing my best!

Nelson:Ha-ha! Your show and tell is weak!

Grampa Simpson:You kids think old people aren't fun? Well, I'll show you! We're gonna party all night long, we'll stay up late, we'll do whatever we want, we'll—

Grampa Simpson:zzzzzzzzz

Lisa:Hello? Is anyone there?

Corey Hotline:Hey baby, it's me, Corey. I've been waiting by the phone for your call all night long.

Corey Hotline:Your voice is like a sweet melody, and I want to hold you close and whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

Principal Skinner:Well, we need to cut the budget somewhere. I suppose we can eliminate music, art, and physical education.

Teacher:But sir, what about the children's well-rounded education?

Principal Skinner:Well-rounded? Have you seen the cafeteria mashed potatoes? That's all the rounding these children need.

Principal Skinner:What?! These phone calls to 1-900 numbers cost $47 a minute?!

Principal Skinner:Seymour, you've bankrupted the school!

Seymour Skinner:Mother, I was just trying to call the weather service!

Corey Hotline:You've reached Corey Hotline. For the latest celebrity gossip, press 1.

Corey Hotline:For stock tips, press 2.

Corey Hotline:For the weather forecast, press 3.

Corey Hotline:Today's forecast calls for partly cloudy skies with a 30% chance of rain.

Tom:That's very thoughtful of you, Bart.

Lawyer:I'm afraid I can't let you do that.

Lawyer:Please refer to the legal disclaimer in your employee handbook.

Homer:Bart, I know you've been spending a lot of time with that new guy...

Bart:Dad, he's just been helping me with—

Homer:Don't 'Dad' me! Do you know what happens to a man when his son replaces him? He falls apart! He can't function! There's a patient in an exam room right now who's been waiting for three hours because I'm too busy having an existential crisis!

Bart:Homer, that's not... wait, you're a doctor?

Homer:Okay, Homer, think of a good reason why Bart shouldn't do this. Don't say 'because I said so', don't say 'because I said so'...

Homer:Because I said so!

Homer:Nope, too scrawny. This one's got a nice marbling though.

Homer:Good bone structure on that one.

Homer:Hmm, I'd say he's a solid B-grade.

Homer:I'll take that one!

Marge:Homer, you can't just pick a child like he's a box of donuts.

Homer:Why not? He's got all the features I'm looking for: two eyes, a mouth, and he doesn't talk back.

Lisa:Dad, that's not how adoption works.

Homer:Does he come in a box? Can I return him if he's defective?

Principal Skinner:Hello, Mother. I've decided to wear long pants today.

Agnes Skinner:Absolutely not! You'll wear what I tell you to wear!

Principal Skinner:But Mother, I'm 51 years old.

Agnes Skinner:Don't talk back to me, boy!

Homer:Oh my God, this kid lives worse than Big Bird!

Homer:Why you little!

Homer:That's the Big Dipper. And that's the Little Dipper. And that one right there is Yancy the Cowboy.

Pepsi:That's not a real constellation.

Homer:Well, neither are the dippers, boy. I just made those up too.

Homer:It's not 'Pepsi', it's 'Pepsé'. The accent makes it fancy.

Homer:You know, Pepi, you've really taught me a lot about life.

Homer:I love you, Pepsi.

Lisa:I did it! I made it through the whole night without checking my phone!

Lisa:It's midnight! I'm finally free from my addiction!

Bart:Dad, what happened to Pepi?

Homer:Well son, I was donating to that charity, you know, the one that helps starving children in Africa.

Bart:That's nice, Dad.

Homer:Yeah, well, turns out I've been donating to myself. I've been writing checks to 'Homer Simpson's Favorite Charity' for years!

Bart:Dad, I have to tell you something. I faked enjoying all those times we spent together.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well I faked this! Woo-hoo! Ay caramba! Eat my shorts, man!

Tom:Did you know that whales are mammals and breathe air through their blowholes?

Bart:Actually, that's false.

Homer:Hey! That's my fish sandwich!

Dolphin:*squeaks and clicks*

Homer:You think you're so smart with your big brain and your cute little nose? Well, I'm gonna teach you a lesson about stealing food from Homer Simpson!

Tom:Let me see if I've got this straight. He's a big guy, yellow skin, three hairs on his head, and he works at the nuclear power plant?

Homer:Yep, that's me!

News Anchor:We're getting reports from the scene of the fight. Let's go to our reporter on location.

Reporter:Thanks, Kent. Witnesses are saying the fight started when one man looked at another man's sandwich.

Witness 1:Yeah, and then he punched him so hard his head went into the third dimension.

Witness 2:I seen the whole thing. There was at least 50 guys fighting, and one of 'em had a flamethrower.

Witness 3:The guy flew up into the air and crashed through that building over there.

Reporter:Remarkable. Back to you in the studio, Kent.

News Anchor:Thank you. Absolutely fascinating accounts.

Homer:Why is it whenever I find a map of the human body, I'm always looking at it?

Homer:Hey, we wasted all this food in the fight! We could've eaten that!

Bart:Dad, how'd you win that fight?

Homer:Well son, I just closed my eyes and started swinging. Then I tripped and fell on the guy.

Bart:That's your technique?

Homer:Works every time. Well, not every time. But when it works, it works great.

Homer:Now son, let me teach you the ancient art of fighting. First, you gotta believe in yourself.

Bart:Okay, Dad. What's the first move?

Homer:You fake cry real hard. Gets 'em every time.

Bart:That's it?

Homer:Then you run away while they're distracted. If that doesn't work, you fall down and pretend you're hurt worse than you are.

Bart:Dad, that's not fighting, that's being a wimp.

Homer:That's what they want you to think, boy. It's called strategy.

Homer:Alright Bart, let's continue. Now I'm gonna teach you some advanced moves.

Bart:Cool, Dad!

Homer:First, the roundhouse kick. Then the flying elbow drop. And finally, the spinning back fist!

Bart:Wow, you're amazing!

Homer:That's right, and now for the finishing move...

Homer:YAAAAHHHHH!

Bart:Dad, you're scaring me!

Homer:Why you little—

Homer:Oof! Ow! Ow! OW!

Homer:Time out! Time out! I'm outta here!

Homer:D'oh!