Half Decent Proposal

Homer:Ooh, Jar Jar, everyone hates you but me.

Bart:Cool! Mom's on drugs. If we turn her in, we can get a form letter from Dick Cheney.

Marge:You know how hard it is to get a doctor on Wednesday morning.

Marge:I haven't lost so much sleep since little Bartie had the scoots.

Dr. Hibbert · Homer:Here's what it costs. Interesting. Here's my counteroffer.

Dr. Hibbert:Get out.

Marge:Pedals, people!

Marge · Lisa:So Lisa, do you have a date for the harvest dance? This is not a good time! It's never a good time!

Patty:Overnight bag, no husband in sight! It's happened!

Selma:She left Homer? I'll get the Champale. And let's get that ring off.

Selma:Great. We'll have a girls night. No bras!

Patty:It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men.

TV character:If I'm not having sex by the end of this goat cheese quesadilla, I'm gonna scream.

TV character:I also enjoy sex.

TV characters:Since this morning, I've had sex with a New York Knick, two subway cops and a guy who works on Wall Street. Broker? Nah, she's just really sore.

Patty · Selma:This is so like our lives. It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.

TV announcer:Gentlemen, start your envy!

TV announcer:Artie made mega bucks with a revolutionary invention, a converter that changes that horrible modem noise into easy listening music.

TV announcer:Also available with lyrics.

Singer:Hey, computer geek / You will be connected in no time

Marge:Well, he seemed like a sweet little shrimp. But then he turned into an octopus.

Marge · Artie:Artie! Artie, no! Stop! Marge. Marge, you know you can't resist my busy hands. Artie, get off of me!

Selma:Are you nuts? E-mail, female.

Marge · Patty · Selma:Dear Artie. Dear Hottie. Congratulations on your recent TV appearance. I want to sex you up. Your love slave, Marge.

Marge:You can't use the word 'sex' on the Internet.

Selma:Watch me!

Artie:A note from Marge Simpson? Well, isn't that a coincidence? I was just thinking about her. For the last 20 years.

Lisa:Hey, a helicopter's landing on our lawn. Let's approach with caution.

Artie:Unguarded breakfasts. The sweetest taboo.

Artie:You can't spell party without Artie, if you misspell party. Or Artie.

Artie · Homer:Was it consummated? Pretty much, yeah.

Marge:Homer, don't talk with your mouth full. I've told you before, it's rude!

Bart:Hey, Marge! It's that guy who couldn't get any off you!

Homer:It's like being married to my best friend, and he lets me feel his boobs.

Homer:How much sex would be involved? Because if it's some...

Homer:You'll win her yet, Artie. I mean, Arr-tie!

Homer:If we had Artie's money, I could get that snoring surgery. Plus at least two of those other surgeries I desperately need.

Marge:Just like I got used to saying 'Courteney Cox-Arquette.'

Homer:One squeaking spring symphony coming up.

Marge:Wow! Homer, that was amazing!

Marge:Are you snoring while you're awake?

Homer:And by funny stuff, I mean hand-holding, goo-goo eyes, misdirected woo, which is pretty much any John Woo film.

Artie:Your wife's virtues shall remain as untouched as Bill Gates' weight room.

Homer:I didn't sell her. I just rented her to an old boyfriend.

Barney:That's gonna buy him a lot of swings in the old batting cage.

Homer:Even after I bought her that hockey fight tape?

Moe:He's like a spy in the house of Moe.

Artie:Forwards? No. Backwards! To the sexy '70s!

Band member · Disco Stu:I can't believe he's paying us a thousand bucks to pretend it's the '70s. Disco Stu is working pro bono.

Artie:Tonight you get the prom you always deserved.

Artie:The band hasn't worked since the wrap party for James at 16. Some say they're cursed.

Homer:Oh, my God, it's our high school prom! And once again I have no date!

Principal Dondelinger · Homer:And have you been drinking? Just for 25 years.

Artie:Very well, Marge. I see you'll never feel about moi the way I feel about toi.

Bart:Oh, no! If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born!

Artie:Stop looking at me! Keep dancing!

Homer:Oh, guys, it was horrible. I saw Marge kissing a far superior man.

Moe:Well, if it makes you feel any better, he's probably doing her right now.

Moe:Oh, yeah. Make me the bad guy.

Homer:Send the bill to Baron Von Kiss-a-lot.

Homer:Marge, if you're watching this then it means I've figured out how to work the camera.

Homer with dolls:Kiss me, Artie. With pleasure. Homer's a big jerk. Ooh.

Homer · Bart:Don't worry about the kids. I'll drop them off with Patty and Selma. Patty and Selma? Screw that!

Lenny · Homer:I carved that one wonderful summer. What did Carl think? You know, we've never discussed it.

Homer:I'm gonna leave this world the way I entered it, dirty, screaming, and torn away from the woman I love.

Homer:Quick and pointless. That's the death for me.

Lisa:But West Springfield's three times the size of Texas. We'll never find him there.

Marge · Artie:Does that work on anyone? No. But when it does, hello!

Homer:Looks like we're goners. Oh, well. Circle of life.

Artie:Listen to me, Homer! You've won! You own Marge's heart, and that's something I could never buy.

Homer:I can't take his money. Oh. I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die?

Artie:Now, Homer, if there's one thing you should've learned from all this, it's that I'm rich, rich, rich! And now, I bid you adieu!

Artie:He's a loser, Marge. Dump him! I travel the world and the seven seas I am watching you through a camera!