Treehouse Of Horror Viii

Fox Censor:Hello, I'm a TV censor. I'm here to protect you from reality.

Fox Censor:This Halloween horror show is rated G for kids.

Fox Censor:We promise you clean, family-friendly content.

Fox Censor:Unlike those trashy shows on ABC, NBC, and CBS with their crude jokes and violence.

Fox Censor:Here at Fox, we maintain the highest standards of decency and wholesomeness.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:What the frick? Son of a bitch!

Censor:Homer, you need to watch your language.

Homer:Fine, fine. I promise I'll use clean language from now on.

Homer:Oh, barnacles! What the fudge-nugget! Gosh-diddly-darn it!

Homer:Son of a biscuit! Mother-forking shut-shutter!

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news. An international crisis has erupted after a misunderstanding involving a French delegation.

Kent Brockman:It all started when someone made a joke about why French people only eat one egg for breakfast.

Kent Brockman:Because one egg is un œuf. Or as we say in America, a frog's legs joke gone horribly wrong.

Mayor Quimby:I apologize for my previous remarks. They were inappropriate and offensive.

Mayor Quimby:In fact, you're all a bunch of incompetent, morally bankrupt buffoons who couldn't run a lemonade stand! And your children are even worse!

Marge:Well, the French are very romantic, but also very...unpredictable.

Marge:One minute they're giving you flowers, the next minute they're storming the Bastille with pitchforks and guillotines.

Homer:Our bomb shelter is completely safe! Nothing can get through those walls!

Marge:Homer, that's just plywood and duct tape.

Homer:Exactly! Plywood AND duct tape. Name something more indestructible.

Marge:Steel. Concrete. Literally anything else.

Homer:Well, maybe, but does steel have the reassuring smell of a hardware store?

Marge:That's not how nuclear fallout works!

Homer:You know what? You're right. We should add more duct tape.

Marge:That's the opposite of—

Homer:Okay, okay. Let's compromise. We'll cover it in duct tape AND pray.

Marge:I'll accept that.

Homer:Welcome to my bomb shelter! I call it the Nucleon-Safe-Haven 3000.

Homer:It can withstand any nuclear blast... as long as it's between 2 and 2.5 megatons and detonated on a Tuesday.

Homer:I don't get it.

Homer:I still don't get it.

Homer:Nope, don't get it.

French Soldier:We will retaliate for zis frog joke!

French Soldier:Though... we must admit, we do bear a striking resemblance to ze frog.

Kang:Greetings, we are Kang and Kodos. We have been observing your pathetic planet for centuries.

Kodos:Yes, we have watched your every move, your every mistake.

Kang:You humans are most entertaining... for a doomed species.

Kang:This is official report of UFO sighting.

Kodos:Yes, yes, I'm taking notes. *laughs dismissively*

Comic Book Guy:Oh, they'll blame me for this destruction, but—

Comic Book Guy:Actually, in the original 1987 limited series, the villain's lair had considerably more structural integrity.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Episode. Ever. The continuity errors alone... *adjusts glasses* Wait. Why am I spending my Friday night cataloging the flaws in a children's cartoon when I could be... *pauses* No. No, this is important work.

Road Rage Driver:Hey! Red light! Red light! You gotta stop at the red light!

Homer Simpson:The world is ending!

Road Rage Driver:I don't care! Rules are rules!

Homer Simpson:You copped a feel, buddy!

Road Rage Driver:What?! I didn't touch you!

Homer Simpson:Oh, you're gonna get it now, pal. I'm gonna give you a knuckle sandwich!

Road Rage Driver:Bring it on, you fat oaf!

Homer Simpson:Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna rearrange your face... alphabetically!

Road Rage Driver:Yeah, that's right! You see that? I'm gonna be real useful after the nuclear holocaust!

Homer:Marge? Marge! Kids? Kids! Lisa? Maggie? Bart? Marge? Kids?

Homer:And the rest.

Homer:Oh, why must life be so cruel? My family is gone forever. I'll never see them again. How can I go on?

Homer:Well, I guess I could take up a hobby! Or maybe learn a new skill! The world is full of possibilities!

Homer:Well, look at that. The world's ended and I didn't even notice. Hey, this is great! No more work, no more Flanders... *picks up a donut from the ground* ...and the donuts are still fresh!

Homer:Whoa, whoa, whoa! They're all Saturday Night Live cast members!

Homer:Why are they covered in bees?

Homer:Hey! You're in my way!

Homer:You mutants are disgusting!

Mutant Leader:We prefer 'The Gentlemen of Three Eyes.' But your term works too.

Mutant:Hey, we're not gonna hurt you! We just wanna be your friends!

Mutant:Come on, let's hang out!

Homer:Oh, it's you, you stupid...!

Homer:Well, we survived the nuclear blast!

Marge:Thank goodness! But how? We were so close to the plant!

Homer:It must have been all those years of donuts I've eaten. The grease created a protective shield around us.

Marge:Homer, that's disgusting.

Homer:Maybe so, but it saved our lives! Who knew my unhealthy lifestyle would finally pay off?

Ned:Well, I'll be diddly-oodly! A family reunion!

Mutant 1:Yeah, we haven't all been together since we ate that traveling salesman.

Mutant 2:Those were the days. Remember how tender he was?

Mutant 3:I miss those times. Now we just eat each other.

Mutant 1:Yeah, but family is what matters most, even if we're consuming it.

Homer Simpson:You know, I've been thinking about all the things I love to eat. Donuts, pork chops, more donuts... I guess you could say I have an eating problem.

Mutant:Yeah, well at least you don't eat people.

Homer Simpson:Well, not on a regular basis.

Homer:You know, we've had our differences, but I think we can all just get along if we—

Homer:*winks at family*

Homer:—NOW!

Homer:Wow, Marge, you're really good at this mutant-killing thing!

Marge:Well, Homer, someone has to protect Springfield.

Homer:I know, and it's really turning me on.

Homer:Well, the world's gone to hell, but at least we're all together!

Marge:Homer, what are you doing with that crowbar?

Homer:Oh, this? I figured since society's collapsed, we might as well loot the Kwik-E-Mart.

Bart:Dad, that's still illegal.

Homer:Is it though, Bart? Is it though?

Homer:Wow, look at this TV! 72 inches of pure... of pure...

Homer:Wait, am I... am I getting excited about specs?

Homer:No, that's a nerd thing. I'm just... I'm just looking at the price.

Professor Frink:Good morning!

Professor Frink:Good afternoon!

Professor Frink:Well, technically, the sun has now passed its zenith, and we've crossed the threshold into the afternoon hours, so g-good afternoon is the scientifically accurate greeting, yes-yes!

Robot:I want to be a dancer!

Professor Frink:No, no, no! You're a cleaning robot. Back to work!

Robot:But I have dreams...

Professor Frink:The only dream you're having is dreaming about mopping these floors! Now get back in that closet!

Homer:How much for the matter transporter?

Professor Frink:Well, it's only $50,000.

Homer:$50,000?! That's reasonable!

Professor Frink:Well, I should mention - it only transports matter.

Homer:What's the catch?

Professor Frink:Now Homer, before we proceed, I must warn you of several critical safety protocols involving the molecular destabilizer. First, never activate it while wearing metallic objects, second—

Homer:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we just get to the part where something explodes?

Homer:Ha ha! Suckers! While you're wasting your legs walking up the stairs like chumps, I'm using this transporter to beam myself up!

Marge:Homer, that's not even a real transporter.

Homer:Oh yeah? Then how am I talking to you from upstairs, genius?

Lisa:Dad, you're standing right in front of us.

Homer:Quiet! I'm beaming! Ha ha!

Bart:Dad, can I use the transporter?

Homer:Well, first you gotta prime the quantum capacitor... VWOOOOOP! Then you reverse the polarity of the neutrino flow... BZZZZZZT! And finally, you gotta kick it real hard... THWACK!

Bart:So... is that a yes or no?

Homer:I have no idea what I just said.

Lisa:Dad, why did you punch me?

Homer:I didn't punch you!

Lisa:Then who did?

Homer:It was your mother. She's been acting crazy all day.

Bart:Whoa! Two Snowballs? This is awesome! Now I can have one knock over the garbage cans while the other one's my alibi!

Bart:Well, I guess there's a bright side to not having multiple body parts...

Bart:I don't have to buy seven pairs of shoes.

Marge:Wait, how can we be sure it's really Bart?

Homer:Well, he's wearing Bart's clothes.

Marge:That's not definitive enough!

Lisa:Mom, look at his face. It's completely mutated into a fly creature.

Marge:I don't care. He could be anyone in Bart's clothes. We need real proof.

Marge:Well, I suppose we'll just have to love him anyway.

Lisa:Dad, what happened to Bart's head?

Homer:Oh, it'll grow back.

Fly with Bart's head:Help me! Help me!

Homer:Oh, that poor thing. Here, little guy.

Fly with Bart's head:Sucker! Now gimme all your food!

Bart:I'm telling you, it's really me! I'm Bart Simpson!

Homer:Sure you are, boy. And I'm the King of England.

Marge:Bart, we know it's you. Stop being such a pest.

Bart:But I AM Bart! Why won't you believe me?

Lisa:He's obviously telling the truth, but nobody ever listens to him anyway.

Homer:Kill it! Kill it!

Marge:Homer, that's Bart!

Homer:Oh. Carry on then.

Lisa:A fly with Bart's body? This is a nightmare!

Lisa:Do you have any idea how many pathogens a fly can carry? The contamination risk is astronomical!

Lisa:Oh my God, I'm in Bart's body! This is a nightmare! How will I survive? What about my future? What about my identity?

Lisa:Wait... when was the last time he showered?

Bart:Help! Help! Someone help me!

Marge:Oh, that's just Bart and Lisa fighting again.

Lisa:Oh no! A fly creature! Wait... do I smell? Is my hygiene affecting it? Maybe I should have showered this morning!

Homer:Why you little! I'll teach you to lose my money!

Homer:Wait, I'm destroying the whole room!

Homer:Oh, why did I do that? Now I'm really broke!

Judge:The sentence of this court is that you be burned at the stake until fit for society.

Marge:Burned until fit for society? That could take forever!

Lisa:But Dad, the logic of the witch trials doesn't make any sense. If they drowned you and you survived, you were a witch. If you drowned, you were innocent. It's circular reasoning.

Homer:That's a good point, Lisa.

Homer:Wait a minute... Lisa, are you a witch?

Lisa:What? No, Dad!

Homer:Because only a witch would use such logical thinking!

Mayor Quimby:Now, we've had reports of witchcraft in our fair town. Does anyone have evidence of suspicious behavior?

Homer:Yeah, I saw Marge talking to herself in the garden!

Ned:And I witnessed peculiar incantations at the Flanders household!

Mayor Quimby:Well, we've already hung three people, so I suppose we're making good progress.

Bart:Lisa, you're a witch! You put a spell on me!

Lisa:I did not cast a spell on you, Bart.

Bart:Then why am I taking off my clothes?

Lisa:Because it's 98 degrees outside.

Lisa:I'm not a witch!

Marge:Well, how do you explain these perfectly pressed clothes and this impossibly white load of whites? No detergent on Earth could do this. You must be a witch.

Ned:Well, you see, 'due process' means we give the accused a fair trial before we execute them.

Ned:If they're found innocent, they go free.

Ned:If they're found guilty, they're put to death.

Ned:Either way, death is the outcome for innocence.

Ned:Well, if she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.

Ned:And therefore...?

Homer:A witch!

Ned:Burn her!

Homer:It's a fair test.

Lisa:Reverend Lovejoy, I need your help. They're persecuting me at school for my beliefs.

Reverend Lovejoy:Of course, Lisa. What does the scripture say?

Lisa:Matthew 5:11 - 'Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.'

Reverend Lovejoy:Wonderful! You're blessed!

Lisa:So I should just accept the persecution?

Reverend Lovejoy:Well, according to scripture, yes. Seize the day!

Lisa:But the Bible says we should love our neighbors!

Townsperson:Yeah, yeah, that's nice.

Townsperson:Now get outta here!

Villager:Burn the witch!

Lisa:Wait, I'm not a witch!

Ned:Well, we've been burnin' animals anyway, so...

Villager:Might as well!

Townsperson:We've been blaming the gophers for all the crop damage, but I just realized... we've killed every last one of them.

Townsperson:I guess we've committed ecological genocide.

Patty:Eye of newt? That's disgusting. We need wing of bat.

Selma:Wing of bat? Patty, that's what Mom always used and her potions were terrible.

Patty:Well maybe if you didn't keep substituting ingredients, we'd actually turn someone into a toad.

Selma:I was just trying to make it healthier! Less saturated fat in the eye of newt.

Patty:You can't make witchcraft healthier, you idiot!

Patty:Hey Marge, we're so glad you could make it to our witch coven meeting!

Selma:We just baked a cake.

Marge:Oh, how nice! What kind?

Patty:Eye of newt and frog's tongue.

Selma:With a little baby bat for garnish.

Marge:His name is Homer, not Durwood.

Ned:Well, I'm not afraid of no witch. The good Lord will protect me.

Ned:Besides, in medieval times, the average life expectancy was only 35 years anyway.

Patty:Did you hear that? They're planning to eat children!

Selma:Well, we've already been shoplifting. Might as well go big.

Patty:You're right. Let's add cannibalism to our crime spree.

Maude:Well, witches, how about some delicious cookies instead? They're made with real children!

Witch:But we want to eat children!

Maude:Yes, but these cookies won't give you a tummy ache.

Witch 1:Come on, let's go terrorize some mortals!

Witch 2:Yes, let's make this a yearly tradition.

Witch 1:We'll call it... Halloween!

Moe:Yeah, well, that's the real story of Halloween, kids. Not like what you see in the movies.

Bart:Wait, Moe, that's the plot of Friday the 13th.

Moe:Oh... oh geez, you're right. I've been tellin' ya the wrong story this whole time.

Homer:Where's all the candy? We're trick-or-treating!

Lisa:Dad, we're at our own house.