Husbands And Knives

Bart:The pilgrims were not illegal aliens

Bart:Lame, lame, lame, lame, have it, lame, Superman Dies, Aquaman Dies, Casper Dies, Caveman Robin, Black Robin, Born-Again Robin

Comic Book Guy · Bart:Nice work, Doctor Boo-Who. Your tears have smudged Wolverine's iconic sideburns. Hence, you must buy this comic. And the cost of your innocent accident is.... $25, please.

Milhouse · Comic Book Guy:But that's the money Yaya Sofia gave me for Greek Orthodox Easter. I hate when they tell me things about themselves.

Comic Book Guy:Maybe they sell comics at the dry cleaners. No? Perhaps they sell comics at the mattress store No! Perhaps you could buy your comics at that new comic bookstore across the street?

Comic Book Guy:Philip K. Dick. It can't be. It's as if Superman moved to Gotham City. Which he did, in World's Finest Comics n°24.

Comic Book Guy:That was an imaginary story dreamt by Jimmy Olsen after he was kicked in the head by Supergirl's horse, Comet. It never really happened. None of these things ever really happened. Get out of my store.

Milo:Hey what up, you guys? How g-g-g-goes it? My name's Milo, and this is Coolsville.

Milo · kids:Down low. Go long. I got prawn. Mmm. I got miso. Mmm. I got dolphin.

Lisa:Asterix! Tintin! I heard these only existed in high school French classes.

Bart:Come on, Snowy, we must save the Belgian ambassador from the Black Orchid Gang. What's that? A sound of ignition? Zut, alors! This castle is actually a four-stage rocket and it's headed straight for the Pompidou Center.

Milo · Lisa:Hey, no worries, little lady. These books are meant to be read and enjoyed, not hoarded and then sold when you get divorced.

Bart:All right, I get it. You're cool, you're not 'mainstream,' You wear a porkpie hat. Mmm... porkpie.

Bart:Who's stronger? The Thung or The Mulk? And show your work.

Milo:Well, the Mulk kicked a tidal wave into the sun, whereas... The Thung gave a piggyback ride to the 1985 Chicago Bears.

Lisa:I was in such a bad relationship with my ex-Comic Book Guy, I'd forgotten how good it could be.

Marge · Homer:Look, Maggie, I'm Wonder Woman. Oh. I've lost my perfect 26-26-26 figure. Never compare yourself to a standee.

Bart:Hey, you're way skinnier than a lot of superheroes. Girthquake, Flaberella. Kearney's Mom.

Kearney · Dolph:Shut up! Her depression medication makes her bloated. She's depressed 'cause you're so lame. Shut up!

Marge · Milhouse · Bart:Ooh, I'd better join a gym before I go from hippy to hippo. I wish my Mom said cute things like that. She can't 'cause she's depressed. Shut up.

Lisa:Alan Moore, Art Spiegelman. Oh, Dan Clowes. I really identified with the girls in Ghost World. They made me feel like I wasn't so alone.

Bart:Yeah, yeah, whatever. Do you know anyone who works at Batman? 'Cause I really want to draw Batman. I'm awesome at utility belts. Check these out. This is where the Batman keeps his money in case he has to take the bus.

Bart · Alan Moore:Alan Moore, you wrote my favorite issues of Radioactive Man. Oh, really. So you'd like that I made your favorite superhero a heroin-addicted jazz critic who's not radioactive? I don't read the words. I just like when he punches people.

Ralph · Alan Moore:Mr. Moore, will you sign my DVD of Watchmen Babies? Which of the babies is your favorite?

Alan Moore:You see what those bloody corporations do? They take your ideas and they suck them! Suck them like leeches until they've gotten every last drop of the marrow from your bones!

Milo · Alan Moore:Hey, Teacup, why don't you chill out? Very well. Oh, little Lulu, I love you-lu, just the same.

Comic Book Guy · Strawberry:Attention, comic book aficionados! This man is not one of us! He has a girlfriend! My name's Strawberry. My purse is a lunchbox.

Alan Moore:You would sell weapons of the Orient to children? That is weak.

Alan Moore · Art Spiegelman:Oh, no! The store's in trouble! League of Extraordinary Freelancers, activate! Maus is in the house!

Dan Clowes:How do ya like this punch line?

Gym employee:We've got Tummy Tone with Sasha, Power Bounce with Zach D., Zen Abs with Zach G., and you've just gotta try Mommy and Me kickboxing!

Marge:Who thought walking could be so difficult? Well, I'm sure everyone else is having trouble, too.

Other gym member:Marge, you missed a spot.

Marge · Patty:Rules: no men, no cell phones, no mirrors, no shame. Marge, I wish you well, but why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching them and judging them?

Selma:why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching them and judging them?

Homer · Marge:We're gonna be rich! We can finally start a family! We have a family. A better one!

Elderly woman:Finally, an exercise bike for women of a certain age Jurassic!

Sweatshop owner · Official:I can't believe the labor board is shutting me down! You lock your workers in at night. It's so they can't tell their stories!

Female worker:Mr. Krusty came to my village. He said he would marry me. No ring! Just fill apple pies all day!

Talk show host:When is Straightman gonna pop the question?

Talk show host:You're all getting German cuckoo clocks! And you're getting a cuckoo clock!

Homer:The TV remote isn't nailed on! My whole life, I've never been in a hotel that trusted me.

Homer:Hors d'oeuvres, big fancy desserts... and my wife is paying for everything. Now I know why pimps are so happy.

Other husband:Yep, nothing beats living on 'wife-support.'

Rich husband:My wife invented 'Skipills', she mixed vitamins with Alka-Seltzer and pretended it was medicine. I pay ten dollars a tube for those! That's why I drive a Bentley.

Rich husbands · Homer:Well, you'd better decide soon. 'Cause I have a feeling your wife will also be getting a 'new model.' Yeah, she'll be 'trading up.' And they're not talking about cars. Are you sure they're not talking about cars? Because those are car words.

Homer:Marge won't dump me. I'm the anchor that keeps her weighed down.

Rich husband · Homer:Here's how you know she's really about to go: your wife seems happy and full of life. That will never happen!

Homer:A makeover! Oh, my God! The prophecy is being fulfilled.

Marge · Homer:Well, the first inspirational speech of the day was by the woman who climbed Mount Everest and got everyone else killed. Hey, the networks have different channels in this city. That's okay. I don't care that you don't care.

Homer · Marge:Are you happy and full of life? I sure am!

Marge · Rich wives · Homer:Really? But I'm so used to my old one. Old one? They're convincing Marge to dump me! Oh, it's easy. I get a new one every two years. From Italy! You would love a big black one.

Homer:If Marge leaves, I'll have nothing except my many friends and half the fortune she is now making and will continue to make.

Fit husband · Homer:I used to look like this. What's your secret? Oh, there's no secret. Just hard work.... exercise two hours a day... keep up with the latest fashions... and of course, cut out all the fatty foods and alcohol. Got it.

Homer:Please, Doc. I know I'm not the greatest-looking guy in the world, but I took care of my family, and that used to be enough. But not anymore.

Homer · Bart:I guess, considering all the training you've received, this is quite reasonable. I've never seen anything so reasonable! It's the bargain of a lifetime! And... Dad, are you okay? I see food on your plate instead of blurring motions.

Bart:I see food on your plate instead of blurring motions.

Homer · Bart:Kids, your daddy underwent a special procedure so he can be more attractive to your mother. You had your hot dog plumped? No, I had my stomach stapled!

Lisa · Homer:You had your hot dog plumped? No, I had my stomach stapled!

Homer:All food tastes like barf now.

Marge · Homer:Slow down, sexy beast. Why don't you take some time to savor the front? What are you hiding from me? Is it chocolate? Uh, it used to be.

Homer · Dr. Nick:My implants feel itchy. Yes, I was out of silicone rubber. so I used rolled-up socks.

Homer:You'd better not make me cry, 'cause I don't know where my tear ducts are anymore.

Homer · Marge:What...? Why do I look like me again? The doctor called me about all the crazy surgeries you wanted, and I said no.

Marge:The only person who thinks you're a monster is the one who had to give you a sponge bath.

Homer · Bart:Plastic surgery is a mistake, because it hasn't been perfected to where you look really good. When it is, everyone should get it. Amen.

Homer · Marge:Let's face it you could do better. Well, maybe I could. But every time I look at you, I see the same adorable boy I fell in love with.

Alan Moore:Holy heavens! Is that a meteor heading for the Earth? Maybe. But tonight there's a benefit for underpaid comic book artists of the forties and fifties. To the cash bar!