As the family waits for their food at “The Frying Dutchman,” they pass the time by telling stories. Lisa tells about the Mayflower’s journey to America, where Marge and her kids are Pilgrims and they are joined by a knave named Homer who joins their family to escape the authorities. Bart recounts the story of Mutiny on the Bounty featuring Skinner as Captain Bligh and Bart as Mr. Christian. Homer tells the tale of the maiden voyage of a cruise ship in the 1970s featuring of a ship that can’t flip over, which of course it does and the attempts of the survivors to get out of the ship alive.
WAR
60.3
Wins Above Replacement
“The Wettest Stories Ever Told” ranks #161 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 81.2 — Elite. The episode packs 74 scored jokes at 4.1 per minute, averaging 6.9 on craft and 6.7 on impact, with Homer-as-wanted-man landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Comic-Book-Guy: I don't know which pains me more: The flame or the irony! Can you believe it's the irony?
Marge · Homer: Homer, the ship's upside down and hundreds of people are dead! ...Three... two... one... Happy new year!
Marge Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer-as-wanted-man: Oh, lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.
Ned-as-Puritan-leader: Obviously, kissing your ass is getting me nowhere.
Ned-as-Puritan-leader: We puritans have no place for drunkenness... or colorful clothes or dreaming or poetry. So if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet.
All Jokes — 74 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Bart: See, it goes ship's wheel, popeye tattoo, gilligan hat, fish with boobs and back to ship's wheel.
Bart Observational Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Bart: What about this swordfish? My life's work ruined!
Bart Reaction Beat Character Comedy Sea Captain · Homer: Red lobster? Not that good.
Homer: Yes, the ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Homer Misdirection Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Bart-as-Puritan-child: I've got my toy wood lump. What jolly fun.
Homer-as-wanted-man: Out of my way, you god-fearing buckleheads!
English-soldier: He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the jacobean era when the king's name is James and not Jacob.
Homer-as-wanted-man: Oh, lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.
Homer-as-wanted-man: Then the codpiece holds no terrors for thee.
Barney-as-Puritan: What kind of a booze cruise is this? Where's the hooch?
Ned-as-Puritan-leader: We puritans have no place for drunkenness... or colorful clothes or dreaming or poetry. So if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet.
Ned-as-Puritan-leader: Oh, no! That was a poem! Forgive me, lord!
Marge-as-Puritan-widow: Constance Prudence Chastity Goodfaith. My friends call me Marge.
Bart-as-suitor: I didn't kill her husband just so... I mean, I-I didn't kill her husband.
Ned-as-Puritan-leader: Such language from a woman. Oh, no! I just thought of you as a woman!
Ned-as-Puritan-leader: The sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding and your hilarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it.
Homer-as-wanted-man: Even for this day and age, I'm considered a bad husband.
Barney-as-Puritan: She's going to marry him 'cause he wears boots instead of blackening his feet.
Homer-as-wanted-man: Well, I'm sure the way to win her heart is to be fat and crying.
Barney-as-Puritan: Don't stop. You're choking him just the way his father used to. Good times.
Marge-as-Puritan-widow: Yes, the weather is fair.
Bart-as-suitor: Man! That guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious! That's how we talk. Weird?
Barney-as-Puritan: Beer? I thought you guys didn't drink on the gayflower?
Homer-as-wanted-man: I was saving this booze to mess up the indians, but seeing what good pals we are, I wanted to give you a taste.
Homer-as-wanted-man · Ned-as-Puritan-leader: Take a sip every time a wave hits the ship. You're good at this.
Ned-as-Puritan-leader: Obviously, kissing your ass is getting me nowhere.
Ned-as-Puritan-leader: Sin, sin, sin! Horseplay? Roughhousing? Horsehousing?
Homer-as-wanted-man: But, baby, a man has needs.
Lisa-as-Puritan-child: When we landed I was going to denounce my sister as a witch.
Bart-as-Puritan-child · Lisa-as-Puritan-child: 31 + 43? 74. Witch, witch, witch!
Homer-as-wanted-man: I've been driving drunk since I was 12.
Homer-as-wanted-man: I'll see to it you fundamentalist christians live to take over all America by the 21st century.
Homer-as-wanted-man: Man, that bird did it all. Good guy.
Bart-as-Puritan-child · Lisa-as-Puritan-child: I just thought of a name for where we're going. New England. That's real creative. What do you call your foot, 'new hand'?
Sailor · Barney-as-Puritan: Land ho! What did you call me?
Homer-as-wanted-man: I, almost regret what we europeans are going to do to you.
Homer-as-wanted-man: Also we're going to take your land and wipe you out. Who wants whipped topping?
Bart · Homer: Well, one time I read this boring comic book about a ship called the bounty. Like the paper towels.
Bart-as-Christian: Bligh... eats... dolphin... boogers.
Captain-Bligh-Burns: When you eat as much dolphin as I do there's bound to be a booger or two in the mix.
Milhouse-as-sailor · Captain-Bligh-Burns: My father's alive? No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter.
Captain-Bligh-Burns · Bart-as-Christian: Mutiny? On the bounty? What have you been smoking? Opium. Besides that?
Chief-Wiggum-as-Tahitian: Because we have no way of communicating with the outside world.
Chief-Wiggum-as-Tahitian · Bart-as-Christian: Tell me, has Robert Fulton invented the steamboat yet? Any day now.
Captain-Bligh-Burns · Tahitian-artist: I'm telling you, I don't look like that. Make another. Yes, lord ugly-face.
Captain-Bligh-Burns: I order you to forget it.
Captain-Bligh-Burns: Rounder! I hear edges!
Captain-Bligh-Burns: You don't sound like you've ever been on a boat in your life.
Bart-as-Christian: You made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion.
Groundskeeper-Willie-as-sailor: Row, row, merrily, merrily, bound the down gently down the... merrily down the... I cannot do it! I'm only one man.
Bart-as-new-captain: Swim faster or I'll have you made into soup.
Captain-Bligh-Burns: You call this deep?
Crew-member: Those are penguins.
Bart-as-captain · Crew-member: Oh, boy, do I suck? Yeah.
Disco-Stu: Disco fever! The only cure is to do a little dance, make a little love... get down tonight. Wait a minute. What was the second one?
Captain-Burns: Ten-four, good buddy. I'm Chevy Chase and you're not. Willy Stargell!
Charlie's-Angels-parody · Homer: Your mission today involves going undercover at a wet t-shirt contest. Just get you wet... maybe not so lovable.
Jewish-couple: Our son shlomo is working on a kibbutz in haifa. We're schlepping him some kreplach. We're jewish, all right!
Band-members: I think we're heading for disaster and most of you will not be saved unless the captain is attentive we'll all be crushed by a huge wave...
Captain-Burns: My wig! I mean, my natural hair!
Luigi-as-chef: Mama mia! What a time to be carrying the soup.
Bart Character Comedy Observational Krusty: Goin' out with a sight gag. Nice.
Krusty Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: I got an idea: Climb into my mouth.
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy Ned: Lord, with you watching over me, I shall feel no pain. AAAHHHHH!
Ned Irony/Sarcasm Physical/Slapstick Marge · Homer: Homer, the ship's upside down and hundreds of people are dead! ...Three... two... one... Happy new year!
Marge Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selma: 'Aw's are cheap. I'm lookin' for some action.
Selma Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy Jewish-man: So, now which way do we go in this farkaktah-flippity ship?
Homer: What? I have great ass suction.
Homer Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Santa's-Little-Helper: I'll use my swiss army bone.
Moe: I'm alone again... naturally
Moe Character Comedy Observational Homer: Don't tell me what to do.
Homer Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Comic-Book-Guy: I don't know which pains me more: The flame or the irony! Can you believe it's the irony?
Skeleton-Jimbo · Skeleton-Kearney: At last I'm not gay for skeleton Kearney. Our ribs got tangled 75 years ago. That's not gay. Right. You keep believing that.
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