The Sweetest Apu

Manjula:Some special time. I get to stand around watching you sell fatty poisons to overfed Americans.

Apu:You'd think that would deter me, but no.

Apu:The porno magazine buyers are too embarrassed to make their move.

Apu:Cleanup in all the aisles.

Comic Book Guy or customer:In a Civil War reenactment, we need lots of Indians to shoot.

Apu:I don't know which part of that sentence to correct first.

Apu:The Indian rope trick has become the Indian nope trick.

Squishee Lady:Oh, take a penny, leave a penny.

Homer or Bart:Don't go Mary Todd on us.

Barney:One drink won't hurt... Hey, you're right. I was afraid it would start me drinking again, but it didn't!

Civil War narrator:The second battle of Springfield was fought by the North, the South, and the East to keep Springfield in, out of, and next to the Union, respectively.

Civil War narrator:Now, the actual battle was fought over there where that man is standing, but he won't move, so we'll do it here.

Civil War reenactors:Bang, bang. Pow, pow. Hit with stick. Hit with stick. Die, you bastard.

Comic Book Guy:For me, the war is over! This battlefield is rife with inaccuracy.

Comic Book Guy:You, dead people, stop playing cards! And Stonewall Jackson, stop rollerblading!

Stonewall Jackson reenactor:The South will boogie again!

Speaker at Memorial Day:Truly, you are the greatest generation.

WWII veteran:Keep it coming, Brokaw!

WWII veteran:You're damn right, it is! You can't thank us enough! Every generation stinks but ours!

Civil War reenactor:Not the pointed end, you dumbass!

Professor Frink:Well, then you're definitely not going to like my steam-powered super spider. With the stepping and the squishing and the webs made of nylon.

Homer:Why do you always take the side of local merchants?

Homer:Now, Apu, when you gave me this keg, it had dents. And here's proof.

Homer:That giggle is none of my business, or is it?

Homer:Squishee Lady, you've had less than eight kids, haven't you? Haven't you?

Squishee Lady:Please do the Hindu that you do so well.

Homer:Nothing. Nothing. There's nothing eating me up inside.

Marge:Oh, I hope no one makes any double entendres.

Manjula:Oh, Apu, you keep scoring while my back is turned. Are you sure you're not cheating?

Manjula:Are you sure you're not cheating?

Homer:Dirty love. I mean 30-love! I mean, anyone for penis? Tennis!

Marge:I'll just get the shuttlecock. Oh!

Homer:You're not in any physical pain, the only kind of pain a man can understand.

Homer:What would that accomplish? That guy's hilarious. His reaction would be priceless.

Krusty:That's sad. All those kids. I think he's building to something.

Homer:Let's say this pepper got married to this salt shaker, and along comes sexy Mrs. Dash.

Barney:Watch and learn, you dinks.

Homer:I saw you and that Squishee Lady canoodling like junkyard rabbits!

Moe:Is that Windex? It's Windelle. I can't afford Windex.

Apu:Whoa, ha-mahatama, hatama, hatama, hatama, hatama, hatama, hatama.

Apu:How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity?

Squishee Lady · Apu:Oh, Apu, scratch and win! Mmm! That's good adultery!

Apu:Caramel baloney.

Kirk Van Houten:If you don't like losing at cribbage, stay out of my place.

Kirk Van Houten:No, no! I'll let you win. I'll let you win. God, I'm really lonely.

McBain:It's a pleasure to eat your lead, good sir.

Homer or Marge:You might hear from your friends or co-workers that Apu isn't living at home anymore.

Homer:You can run, but you can't glide!

Manjula:Is it my husband's whore?

Bart as Ganesh:I order you to get back together or I'll suck your blood! Blah, blah!

Manjula:Or should I say blandoori?

Manjula:These are divorce papers! Consider yourself served!

Fudge delivery guy:Can I lick your fingers? Meet me at the mail slot.

Lawyer:Because legally, I am allowed to shake him by the ankles and see what falls out. It's established in the case of Lawyers v. Justice.

Manjula:No offense, but you remind me of the monkey man who slaughtered my family's chickens.

Lawyer:When will you humans learn that your feelings, as you call them, can stand in the way of big cash payoffs?

Octuplets:Mommy... Will... You... Let... Daddy... Come... Back? Cookie!

Marge:All right! Girls night out! Exotic male dancers at the Golden Banana!

Marge:Then I shred the list and put it in his food.

Apu:First I was a tiger, a snake, a clod, a goat with a hat, then me. A tapeworm, then assistant to Lorne Michaels!

Apu:First I was a tiger, a snake, a clod, a goat with a hat, then me. A tapeworm, then assistant to Lorne Michaels!

Manjula reading list:Number four, legally change name to Slime Q. Slimedog. Number five, wear nametag that says same.

Customers:My Smooshie tastes like a shopping bag. Mine tastes like dog fur!

Selma:He is hideous. Oh, a challenge!

Comic Book Guy:I bought the issue for Richard Avedon's pictures of Lenny.

Theater patron:I liked all the roles filled by minority actors. Why, I didn't even notice.

Homer:Thank you very much, you big fat blabbermouth! I... Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month.

Homer:Don't worry, I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.

Homer:Don't worry, I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.