22 Short Films About Springfield

Bart:Do you ever think about people in cars?

Milhouse:No, I try to avoid empathy. It interferes with my petty cruelty.

Bart:Every town has stories to tell, Springfield has more than most. Tales of triumph and defeat, of love and loss, of—

Milhouse:Whoa, check out that convertible!

Apu:I will party, but only briefly.

Apu:I will party like it's 1999... marked down from 1998!

Apu:I cannot wait for these to cook! I will eat them raw!

Apu:I couldn't help but notice you have no wedding ring. So you are merely betrothed, yes? Not actually married yet?

Woman:No, I'm married. I just don't wear my ring.

Apu:Ah, so there is still hope!

Apu:Fear not! I shall protect your honor by claiming you are of the Brahmin caste, highest in all of India!

Snake:Hey, man, you owe me four minutes of compensation!

Apu:But Snake, I returned before my five-minute limit was up.

Snake:Yeah, but you were only gone for one minute, man. That means four minutes of my time is unaccounted for. You gotta pay up!

Snake:Hey! You owe me four minutes of my life back!

Apu:Four minutes? That is nothing. I have wasted more time than that deciding which Squishee flavor to recommend.

Marge:Well, maybe it's just bubble gum. Those usually wash out pretty easily.

Marge:Oh, I remember now. Ann Landers said to use peanut butter.

Lisa:Wait a minute... I smell like a sandwich.

Smithers:I'm allergic to bees. The last time I was stung, my throat swelled up and I... I couldn't breathe for several minutes.

Smithers:The doctor said if it happens again, I'll... well, I'll probably die.

Mr. Burns:Blast! The contraption won't move! By the ancient gods of commerce and the dust of my forbears, I curse this infernal two-wheeled contraption and all who dare suggest I pedal it myself!

Mr. Burns:No, no, Smithers! Push with the hoof!

Smithers:It's a foot, sir.

Mr. Burns:Well, push it on the flange!

Mr. Burns:You're a spineless, lily-livered, knuckle-dragging Neanderthal, Smithers. Your brain is smaller than a walnip and twice as wrinkled. You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. You're a festering carbuncle on the backside of humanity, a walking advertisement for birth control, and your face looks like it lost a fight with a rake made of hammers.

Barney:Bee sting? That calls for a drink!

Judge:Dr. Nick, you're accused of operating with restaurant utensils.

Dr. Nick:Your Honor, I object! I always wipe them clean with a napkin first.

Dr. Nick:That makes them sterile!

Dr. Nick:Well, I use the cadavers for the carpool lane! It's a win-win — I get to use the fast lane, and the corpses... well, they're not complaining!

Patient:Doctor, I've been having terrible anxiety. I can't sleep, my heart races, and I feel like something bad is going to happen.

Dr. Nick:Anxiety, you say? I've seen this before. You've got a classic case of Hexenbrenner's Syndrome.

Patient:Hexenbrenner's Syndrome? I've never heard of that.

Dr. Nick:Of course you haven't! I just made it up. But don't worry, I've got just the thing—a pill I invented this morning!

Dr. Nick Riviera:Well, what we have here is a classic case of... uh... Boneitis.

Dr. Nick Riviera:It's a terrible disease where the bones get all... soft... and the diseases just... come right through the skin and start eating all the organs and everything.

Dr. Nick Riviera:Eh, if I don't do something, this man could die... or worse, become a vegetable. It'd take a miracle.

Dr. Nick:What we have here is a classic case of... uh... *shuffles through medical chart* ...Simpsonian Deltoid Syndrome. Now, I've developed a revolutionary treatment using reconditioned golf cart parts and a semi-functional defibrillator I won at a church raffle.

Dr. Nick:We'll attach the steering column here for stabilization, run the battery cables through the central nervous system, and—this is the important part—we'll need to charge it every six hours or the whole thing just sort of... stops.

Dr. Nick Riviera:Welcome! I'm Dr. Nick Riviera. I'm offering free nose jobs today.

Patient:Really? I'd like a nose job.

Patient:Can you make it look like John Carradine's?

Dr. Nick Riviera:Who?

Moe:Let's see here... that'll be $5,000... no wait, $50,000... actually $500,000!

Barney:What?!

Moe:Hold on, I'm reading the wrong paper. This is NASA's budget.

Barney:Here's two grand toward my tab.

Moe:Two thousand dollars? Why, that's... *checks calculator* ...that's only fourteen billion short!

Moe:We're making progress, Barney!

Snake:I'm gonna blow your head clean off!

Moe:Oh yeah? Well, I got news for you, pal. You're gonna have to go through me first!

Snake:Alright.

Moe:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I got a gun under this counter, and it's pointed right at ya!

Barney:Moe, is that true?

Moe:You're darn right it's true! I feel completely safe behind this here counter!

Snake:Alright, hand over all your money, man.

Moe:Oh no, not again! Snake, please, anything but the cash register!

Snake:Yeah, yeah, that's the whole point, dude.

Moe:No! My sacred register! That's where I keep my... well, my money, but still!

Snake:Dude, I'm not robbing this place 'cause I'm a criminal. I got like thirty grand in student loans, man.

Moe:Student loans? You went to college?

Snake:Yeah, dude. Two years of community college before I dropped out. Now Sallie Mae won't leave me alone.

Skinner:Well, I could tell everyone the roast is ruined, or... I could tell them it's a new recipe I'm trying: Cajun-style, charred on the outside, still raw on the inside.

Skinner:Yes, that's it. I'll say the smokiness is intentional. Very trendy in New Orleans.

Skinner:Excellent. Now that I've hidden the evidence, no one will ever know what I've done. Mwahahaha!

Chalmers:Skinner! What are you doing at that window?

Skinner:Oh, Superintendent Chalmers! I was just... checking the structural integrity of the glass. For safety purposes. Very important work.

Chalmers:At 2 AM? With a bag from Krusty Burger?

Skinner:This? This is a... specimen collection for the science department. Educational. The children need to understand fast food's impact on— well, on everything.

Chalmers:Seymour, why is there smoke coming out of your oven?

Skinner:Uh... that isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having for dinner.

Chalmers:Steamed clams?

Skinner:Yes. That's what I call hamburgers.

Chalmers:You call hamburgers steamed clams?

Skinner:Yes, it's a regional dialect.

Skinner:Well, it's an old family recipe. In Springfield, we call it a 'Krusty Burger'.

Homer:But isn't that just a hamburger?

Skinner:No, no. It's a regional dialect. You see, it's pronounced 'Krusty,' not 'hamburger.'

Skinner:Oh, you're not familiar with the term? It's a regional dialect of the upper midwest.

Chalmers:No, no, not really.

Skinner:Well, I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams.'

Skinner:Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression.

Superintendent Chalmers:You know, these steamed hams are quite similar to a Krusty Burger.

Principal Skinner:Oh no, no, no. This is a family recipe passed down for generations. It has nothing to do with Krusty Burger.

Superintendent Chalmers:Hmm, the patty seems identical.

Principal Skinner:Well, you know how it is. Great minds think alike. But I assure you, these are steamed hams, and this is purely coincidental.

Skinner:Aurora borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?

Chalmers:Yes.

Skinner:May I see it?

Chalmers:No.

Skinner:Aurora borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?

Chalmers:Yes.

Skinner:May I see it?

Chalmers:No.

Chalmers:Skinner, I'd like to see this aurora borealis you mentioned.

Skinner:No.

Chalmers:Seymour, I'd like to see the aurora borealis.

Skinner:No.

Chalmers:You know, Skinner, I've witnessed all of your lies, all of your deceptions. And yet here we are, discussing steamed hams.

Chalmers:The absurdity is not lost on me. But I accept it.

Homer:Come on, sweetie. You gotta help daddy get you out of there.

Maggie:*sucking pacifier*

Homer:Push on the glass! Use those chubby little hands!

Homer:Wait a minute. Santa's Little Helper can help me!

Homer:Here boy! Get Maggie out of the car!

Homer:D'oh! He's just licking the window.

Homer:Go get help, boy!

Homer:Santa's Little Helper!

Homer:Why is he running toward the woods? No, no, come back!

Chief Wiggum:I'm going to McDonald's for lunch.

Lou:McDonald's? What's that? Never heard of it.

Chief Wiggum:You know, the fast food place with the golden arches?

Lou:Sorry Chief, I don't know what you're talking about.

Chief Wiggum:You know, I've been thinking about the difference between McDonald's and Krusty Burger.

Lou:Yeah, Chief? What's that?

Chief Wiggum:Well, McDonald's is a real place with real names for their food. Krusty Burger just makes stuff up!

Lou:Like what?

Chief Wiggum:Like a 'Ribwich' - I mean, come on! That's not even a real word!

Chief Wiggum:A quarter pounder? What's that mean? A quarter of what?

Other Character:A quarter pound of beef.

Chief Wiggum:Ohhh, a quarter pound! So what's a Whopper?

Chief Wiggum:Wait, I'm more interested in whether it has cheese. Is there cheese on it?

Lou:Hey Chief, why does McDonald's call it a 'Large' instead of a 'Big Gulp'?

Chief Wiggum:Well Lou, that's because they're trying to confuse us honest Americans. Next thing you know, they'll be calling a donut a 'fried dough circle.'

Lou:But Chief, that's basically what it is...

Chief Wiggum:Exactly! Which is why we can't trust 'em.

Bumblebee Man:¡Ay, qué día terrible! Mi traje se rompió, perdí mi guión, y nadie me reconoció sin el disfraz. ¡Esto es lo peor que me ha pasado en toda mi carrera!

Bumblebee Man:Why do oranges keep hitting my head?

Homer:Because you're standing under an orange tree, you idiot!

Ned Flanders:Well, I'd love to help clean that up, but I'm afraid I can't locate my snow shovel. I lent it to the Leftorium, and... well, let's just say retrieving it might require more intestinal fortitude than I currently possess!

Selma:I tried the ice cube and hammer method.

Selma:I think I made it worse.

Otto:Dude, you gotta chew it out. That's the only way. Gum's gotta be chewed out by gum, man.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Hair. Ever. But wait... this could be a goldmine for my 'Profiles in Nerdery' submission to Horror Monthly!

Santa's Little Helper:You got gum stuck in your fur? Yeah, I've been there. Peanut butter works great. Or you could just let it sit there for three weeks like I did.

Lionel Hutz:Now, I'm no expert, but I believe the gum company has a lot of money. So I suggest we sue them.

Cletus:Well now, Brandine, for that job interview, you're gonna need some sensible shoes.

Brandine:It's for exotic dancing, Cletus.

Brandine:I'm more worried about a pole.

Cletus:I should call my mother.

Cletus:Oh, she's on the roof again.

Kid:What can I buy for 75 cents?

Comic Book Guy:Ah, seventy-five cents. Well, I have an autographed photo of Burt Reynolds. Now, normally this would be worth at least thirty dollars, but it has a small water stain, so I'm asking seventy-five cents.

Kid:That's still too much.

Comic Book Guy:Well, the crossword puzzle is already filled in, and someone's already circled the answer.

Hairdresser:Hold still, sweetie. If you keep moving around like that, you're gonna end up bald.

Hairdresser:And no lollipop for you!

Tall Man:Hey, why are you making fun of my car? I work hard for my money.

Nelson:Ha-ha! Your car sucks!

Tall Man:Look, I'm on a budget. Not everyone can afford a fancy vehicle.

Nelson:That's not my problem, dork!

Tall Man:Nelson, you're going to parade through town so everyone can see what a bully you are.

Nelson:No way, man!

Tall Man:And you're going to do these humiliating gestures while you walk.

Tall Man:Ha-ha!

Tall Man:You're going to perform for the crowd.

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Professor Frink:I'm sorry I'm late! There was a small incident at the lab.

Professor Frink:Nothing to worry about. Well, the containment field may have ruptured, and there might be some sort of radioactive cloud spreading toward the city, but other than that, everything's fine!

Professor Frink:Ah, yes, let me regale you with a tale accompanied by my theme music!

Professor Frink:Professor Frink, he's got a plan, he's working in his lab again, with a crazy contraption that will make you say 'What the—'

Professor Frink:Hoy-hoy-hoy, zippity-dop, floob-floob-a-diddly-doop, schlibby-flibby-flub, grrr-schnitzel-voodle-doodle-dap!