Raging Abe Simpson And His Grumbling Gra

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Dad, you gotta stop spitting everywhere!

Grampa:Consarnit! It ain't my fault — they don't teach spittin' control in school no more!

Teacher:Yadda yadda yadda, you're all graduating, yadda yadda yadda, you're the future leaders of America, yadda yadda yadda, we're very proud of you.

Milhouse's Grandfather:I drove my house to school once.

Milhouse:You did?

Milhouse's Grandfather:Well, it was an RV, but yes.

Milhouse's grandfather:I'm not Superman, I just have an RV.

Van Houten:We're going to travel across America in our RV!

Grampa:I did that once. Worst three weeks of my life.

Judge:And how do you plead?

Van Houten:Not guilty. I'm not Superman.

Judge:Next case.

Judge:And how do you plead?

Senior Citizen:Not guilty. I'm not Superman.

Judge:Bailiff, remove this man. We have a Superman on our hands.

Judge:I've sentenced 294 men to death.

Judge:Actually, 295.

Grampa Simpson:The judge wears a robe and carries a gavel. I wear a cardigan and carry a spatula!

Grampa Simpson:Back in those days, nickels had pictures of bees on 'em. 'Give me five bees for a quarter,' you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. I'd just gotten home from Old Man Walton's farm. I was trying to impress some girls, so I opened my jacket and flashed 'em. But suddenly, there was a tremendous flash of light and the Earth stood still. So I had to walk to school, which took thirty-six hours. And of course, the boys kept saying, 'Slow down, Grampa!' But I kept saying, 'Dickety-six! Dickety-six!' Because the Kaiser had stolen the word 'twenty' for the limes.

Grampa Simpson:We had to say 'dickety' 'cause the Kaiser had stolen our word 'twenty'. I chased that rascal all the way to dickety-six.

Grampa Simpson:Back in my day, we had to walk uphill both ways in the snow, barefoot, with no shoes!

Lisa Simpson:Grampa, that's physically impossible. You can't walk uphill in both directions simultaneously.

Grampa Simpson:Aha! You think that's funny? Well let me tell you something...

Grampa Simpson:You're just like your mother - lazy, stupid, and always asking for money!

Grampa Simpson:Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I invented the terlet.

Grampa Simpson:What? I didn't invent the terlet! The terlet was invented in 1775 by... uh... some English guy. I invented the electric nose warmer in 1987!

Bart Simpson:Grampa, you're saying 'terlet.'

Grampa Simpson:That's what I said, the terlet! What's wrong with that?

Marge:Homer, we should put your father in a home.

Homer:He's already in one.

Homer:It's not a house, Marge. It's a home.

Marge:Well, if you don't do the dishes, it's a prison.

Lisa:We need to protect our seniors' rights! Look at celebrity couples - they stay together through thick and thin. Like... like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt!

Homer:They broke up, sweetie.

Lisa:What about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

Marge:Divorced.

Lisa:Okay, fine - Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries!

Bart:That lasted like a month, man.

Bart:So what kind of perks do old people get?

Grampa:Well, we get discounts at restaurants, free coffee refills, and early bird specials.

Bart:That's it?

Grampa:Oh, and we can wear our pants up to our armpits without anyone questioning it.

Homer:Plus, you get to fall asleep anywhere — movies, funerals, jury duty.

Marge:And you're allowed to repeat the same story seventeen times in one dinner.

Lisa:You also get to complain about young people and the price of things.

Grampa:And the best part — you can honk your horn at anyone driving slower than five miles per hour!

Homer:You can also eat dinner at 4:30 PM and no one thinks you're weird.

Bart:Getting old sounds awesome.

Grampa Simpson:Who died?

Grampa Simpson:Do I get anything?

Narrator:And so, after thirty years at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Homer Simpson's career came to an end when automation replaced him.

Grampa Simpson:Over my dead body!

Mr. Burns:Yes, well, that's literally the plan.

Mr. Burns:Simpson, do you think you can go five seconds without humiliating yourself?

Grampa:Five seconds? You're on!

Grampa:One... two... three... four... five! I did it!

Mr. Burns:Yes, well, you've already started by accepting this ridiculous wager.

Grampa:But I counted! Fair and square!

Mr. Burns:Let's see... Assassins... Assassins... Ah, here we are. 'Assassins.' Hmm, only two in the phone book. I'd better call both of them.

Smithers:But sir, why do we need to kill Grampa? Why not just let nature be the assassin?

Fernando:M.B.? Ah, yes! The scandal-ridden DC mayor!

Fernando:What is this? A fax from Springfield?

Fernando:Ah, what a beautiful fruit company logo! So elegant, so refined!

Fernando:I will make it the new symbol of my company!

Grampa Simpson:That's me!

Fernando:Here, Señor Simpson, some fruit for you.

Grampa Simpson:Oh, thank you, Fernando!

Fernando:Enjoy it... it will be your last.

Fernando:You missed! How is this possible?

Grampa Simpson:I didn't miss. I was aiming for the other guy.

Fernando:Brilliant! What a mastermind!

Grampa Simpson:Eh?

Fernando:I would construct an elaborate series of pulleys and counterweights, each precisely calibrated to trigger in sequence. First, a chandelier would fall, then mechanical arms would emerge from the walls, followed by a floor that opens to reveal a pit of—

Homer:Yeah, yeah, but how do you actually kill the guy?

Fernando:Oh, that's simple. I just put a bomb in a box.

Grampa:Was that me?

Grampa Simpson:They're trying to kill me! I've been shot at, poisoned, run over!

Nurse:I see. Well, let's get you something for that paranoia.

Grampa Simpson:Paranoia?! I'm telling you, it's real!

Nurse:Of course it is, dear. Here, take these pills.

Grampa Simpson:McGillicutty!

Homer:Dad, why are you acting so crazy?

Grampa:I don't know, boy! One minute I'm enjoying a nice sandwich, the next minute I'm seeing purple elephants!

Homer:Purple elephants? Did you eat the horseradish again?

Grampa:Just a little bit!

Homer:Dad, that's the third time this week. You gotta stop eating that horseradish straight from the jar.

Grampa:So I says to the guy, I says, 'You'll never take me alive, copper!' And he says, 'That can be arranged.' Next thing I know, I'm wakin' up in this poppy field...

Grampa:And there's this good witch tellin' me to follow the yellow brick road. I said, 'Lady, I'm from Springfield, not Kansas!'

Homer:Grampa needs a place to stay. What about Bart's room?

Marge:That's a good idea.

Lisa:I agree.

Bart:Hey! What about the dumpster?

Bart:That story is gibberish.

Grampa:What? My story is a classic!

Bart:It's wrinkly gibberish.

Grampa Simpson:This here's my document from the Second World War II.

Grampa Simpson:We were the best battalion in the whole army! Well, third best. Okay, we were terrible, but we were the third best at being terrible.

Ralph Wiggum:I'm Iggy Wiggum. I have a live grenade.

Skinner:I've had enough of these pranks! I'm going to my office where I can be alone with my feelings and my stack of unmarked test papers!

Mr. Burns:Well? How goes the battle?

Smithers:Not well, sir. We've lost the north ridge.

Mr. Burns:The north ridge? Blast! There goes my pheasant hunting.

Ox:But Mr. Burns, if you're alive, who did we bury?

Bart:Why was Mr. Burns only a private in the military?

Grampa:Well, he had some trouble with the FBI. They said he was too dangerous to give a higher rank.

Grampa Simpson:This here's a photo of me during the war. I was quite the hero back then.

Homer Simpson:Dad, that's just you in your underwear flexing in front of the mirror.

Grampa Simpson:Well, yes, but I was a YOUNG man's underwear at the time!

Mr. Burns:Gentlemen, I've decided to add some culture to my collection. That painting is worth a fortune.

Mr. Burns:The Nazis had excellent taste in art. Of course, I'm simply borrowing from their... future estate sales.

Mr. Burns:My fortune is so vast, I could buy anything! Why, I'm richer than a Nazi!

Ox:Yeah! Nazis are great!

Soldier:What should we do with all this Nazi wealth?

Homer Simpson:I just want enough money to buy a turkey and some beer for Thanksgiving.

Soldier:That's all? Just a turkey and beer?

Homer Simpson:Well, maybe some stuffing too. I'm not greedy.

Grampa:I need the money to get out of this old folks' home!

Homer:But Dad, you're already in an old folks' home.

Mr. Burns:Oxford, is it? How delightfully pretentious. I suppose next you'll be telling me you summer in the Hamptons and winter in Monaco.

Grampa Simpson:Ox died from the very act of stealing the treasure

Bart:Your story sucks, Grampa. You need ghosts or something.

Bart:Mr. Burns, take me with you! I'm amoral and low-maintenance.

Bart:Mr. Burns, want to buy some chocolate?

Burns:No thank you. I already have a child I'm exploiting.

Mr. Burns:I'm off to get my paintings appraised. After all, time is money.

Smithers:Sir, I believe you mean 'time is art.'

Mr. Burns:Bah! In my day, time was money, and art was just something poor people did instead of working.

Lisa:Santa? Is that you?

Burns:Ho ho ho... yes, child, it is I, Santa Claus.

Lisa:But you smell like cigars and evil.

Burns:Ah yes, well... I've been very naughty this year.

Bart:Come on, Grampa! There's treasure buried somewhere in Springfield!

Grampa Simpson:Treasure? Why didn't you say so! I'm in!

Bart:We just need to find the map and dig it up before Mr. Burns does.

Grampa Simpson:Burns? That cheapskate! He owes me three weeks of back pay from 1952!

Bart:So you'll help?

Grampa Simpson:You bet I will! And when we find that treasure, we'll be on the honor roll!

Bart:Um, Grampa, the honor roll is for grades, not treasure.

Grampa Simpson:Well, it should exclude Burns anyway. That old skinflint never learned nothing!

Grampa Simpson:We had to cross a bridge made of human bones, dodge poisoned darts, and fight off wild animals with our bare hands!

Homer:Nope. Not doing it.

Bart:Do dead people walk around at night?

Grampa:Oh sure, all the time. I'm up six times a night myself.

Grampa Simpson:Well, boys, we're all here together again. I wonder where all the rich fellas ended up.

Flanders:Well, hi-diddly-ho, neighbor! I see you're taking my boat for a spin. That's just fine and dandy! Would you like some lemonade when you get back? Okily-dokily!

Flanders:Well, I'd be happy to help with your secret boat mission, no questions asked!

Homer:Really? Even though it's probably illegal?

Flanders:Oh, you betcha! As long as nobody gets hurt, I'm in!

Grampa:Despite all negative qualities, the boy could still outrank others in the military.

Mr. Burns:Unhand that painting, you philistine! That's a priceless Rembrandt! Well, actually it's a forgery, but a priceless forgery. Do you have any idea what the oils alone are worth? Of course you don't. Your kind never does.

Mr. Burns:Goodbye, Simpson. I'm sure we'll meet again in the afterlife.

Grampa Simpson:I doubt it.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, we need to lighten the load. You're going overboard.

Smithers:Yes, sir. Thank you for the opportunity, sir.

Grampa Simpson:Mr. Burns, you tried to kill me!

Mr. Burns:Simpson, you're fired.

Grampa Simpson:You can't fire me, I don't work for you anymore.

Mr. Burns:Then you're double fired.

Grampa Simpson:Well, I'm taking the gold!

Baron:I am a direct descendant of the great German masters. I have come to reclaim ze artwork zat belongs to my family!

Homer:Well, we're not giving it back. Finders keepers.

Baron:But you do not understand! In modern Germany, we have evolved. We now listen to Kraftwerk and eat only sausages zat are exactly 6 inches long.

Bart:Dude, that's like, the most German thing I've ever heard.

Grampa Simpson:I'm gonna hug you in front of all your friends, and you're gonna be so embarrassed!

Bart:Bring it on, old man. I love you, Grandpa!

Bart:I love you so much, I'm gonna say it again in front of everybody: I LOVE YOU, GRAMPA!

Bart:Shhhhhh!