Homer Vs The Eighteenth Amendment

Bart:Hey Lisa, nice outfit. You look like a leprechaun threw up on you.

Lisa:Oh, very mature, Bart. At least I'm celebrating the cultural significance of St. Patrick's Day instead of just looking for an excuse to cause trouble.

Bart:You're stupid.

Lisa:Eat my shorts.

Barney:St. Patrick's Day? That's like Christmas for alcoholics!

Barney:If I'm sober on St. Patrick's Day, I've failed as an Irishman... and as a human being.

Moe:You know, I appreciate you fellas being designated drivers and all, but you're killing my business! Get outta here!

Kent Brockman:This St. Patrick's Day, we celebrate the contributions of all people, regardless of their ethnicity or national origin.

Kent Brockman:Well, except for the Polish. And the Scots. And anyone from New Jersey.

Marge:Bart, you always throw those plastic horns away.

Bart:I promise I won't do it again, Mom.

Homer:Move it, fatso! Outta my way!

Barney:Watch it, Homer!

Homer:Hey, you're blocking the whole aisle, you Notre Dame!

Homer:Has anyone seen my wife's ass? I seem to have lost it in the crowd!

Barney:I haven't seen it, but I'll keep an eye out!

Homer:Well, if you do see it, it's about yea wide and responds to the name Marge.

Kent Brockman:Now, I want to address the scourge of Irish stereotypes. We must not perpetuate the notion that all Irish people are drunk, violent, superstitious leprechaun-loving potato farmers who engage in public urination and spousal abuse.

Kent Brockman:That's not fair to the Irish people at all.

Homer:Free beer!

Crowd:Where?!

Homer:I didn't say it, I just said 'free beer!'

Duffman:Oh yeah! Duffman says remember to always drink responsibly! Oh yeah!

Duffman:Now take off your clothes!

Bart:I am the leader of Spain!

Bart:What are you looking at?

Kent Brockman:Well, I'm looking at a young man who has lost his way, a cautionary tale of vice and moral turpitude that should serve as a stark reminder to us all that the wages of sin are... well, quite frankly, unflattering.

Kent Brockman:This is an outrage! A travesty! A blight upon our fair city! The very foundations of decency have been shaken to their core! And mark my words, those responsible will answer for their crimes against morality and virtue! Yes, they'll face justice as surely as the green vomit faces the porcelain throne!

Marge:I'm the world's worst mother.

Homer:Marge, you're not the world's worst mother. Remember that woman in Texas who buried her kids in the backyard? You're like, number two.

TV:Prohibition is the solution to all of society's problems.

Homer:But what about all those gangster movies? They prove prohibition doesn't work!

Homer:Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

Homer:It's made from fruit, so technically it's healthy. It's got alcohol, which kills germs. And it makes you forget your problems... which solves them!

Homer:Plus, it makes you dance better, sing better, think you're better-looking, and convinces you that you're a genius.

Homer:And on top of all that, if you drink enough of it, you can actually see sounds and hear colors!

Helen Lovejoy:Won't somebody please think of the children?!

Chief Wiggum:Well, I'm not gonna sit here and let you bad-mouth the sauce. It's liquid courage! All the great American heroes drank. George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln...

Chief Wiggum:Why, without alcohol, this country wouldn't even exist!

Town Clerk:Well, according to this old ordinance from 1952, it's illegal for ducks to wear clothing within city limits.

Homer:A law about ducks wearing clothes? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Town Clerk:Actually, there's an even older one from 1887 that says ducks are required to wear hats on Tuesdays.

Mayor Quimby:By Jove! Duck pants! Why didn't I think of that? This is the greatest law I've ever passed!

Duff Executive:Non-alcoholic beer is actually better for you. It tastes great, it's refreshing, and studies show people prefer it.

Duff Executive:We're excited about this new direction for Duff.

Barney:Well, I guess this is it. No more beer. I'm doomed.

Moe:Welcome to my new speakeasy! I'm treating prohibition as just a brief inconvenience.

Barney:Brief? Moe, prohibition lasts 13 years!

Moe:Yeah, well, I'm an optimist.

Fat Tony:I don't understand it. We provide a service, we're businessmen. Why do people have such a problem with organized crime?

Louie:Yeah, boss. We're just like any other business.

Fat Tony:Except we're organized.

Chief Wiggum:Now, now, let's all just calm down here. I'm sure we can work this out.

Chief Wiggum:*winks and does finger guns*

Helen Lovejoy:Oh my stars! Did he just... *gasps* Won't somebody please think of the children?!

Mayor Quimby:Why, the people of Springfield come to me with their problems, expecting me to actually DO something about them!

Citizen:Mr. Mayor, we need you to fix the potholes on Elm Street!

Mayor Quimby:Potholes? Do I look like a road? I'm a politician. I make promises, not repairs. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a three-martini lunch with a lobbyist.

Mayor Quimby:What do you mean 'democratic process'? I'm the mayor! I don't have to listen to you people!

Fat Tony:So, Rex Banner refuses all bribes, eh? Well, maybe he just hasn't found the right one yet. You know what they say — you gotta try everything once. Last week I tried sushi. The week before, I tried to bribe a cop with sushi. Different experience, same result — I got poisoned.

Rex Banner:I'm shutting down every speakeasy, brewery, and distillery in this town!

Fat Tony:So what are we supposed to do now, Chief?

Rex Banner:I don't care. Just stay out of trouble.

Fat Tony:Alright boys, we're moving into kidnapping.

Rex Banner:Kidnapping?! That's a more serious crime!

Fat Tony:You said to stay out of trouble. This is trouble we can live with.

Chief Wiggum:Well, prohibition has been a real success. We've almost entirely eliminated alcohol.

Chief Wiggum:Of course, that was never the point of prohibition.

Chief Wiggum:Can I arrest you? Please? I'll make it quick.

Citizen 1:No!

Chief Wiggum:How about you? Got any warrants?

Citizen 2:Leave me alone!

Chief Wiggum:I'll arrest you for littering! Spitting! Existing!

Homer:Alright Bart, listen up. This is a covert operation. We go in silent, we grab the Duff, and we get out. No mistakes.

Bart:Dad, it's just the Kwik-E-Mart.

Homer:Just the Kwik-E-Mart?! That's exactly what they want you to think, boy. Apu could be waiting. Security cameras everywhere. We need a diversion.

Bart:What kind of diversion?

Homer:You create a disturbance by the Squishee machine. I'll slip in, grab a six-pack, and slip out. Nobody will ever know we were there.

Bart:Nobody except Apu, who sees us in there every single day.

Homer:Exactly! Which is why he'll never suspect a thing. Now move out, soldier!

Homer:Marge, I'm dying. I want you to know that I've always loved you.

Marge:Hmm, that's nice, Homer.

Homer:Hey Banner, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!

Bart:Yeah, you're like the worst shot ever!

Rex Banner:Oh yeah?

Rex Banner:*shoots* See? Accuracy.

Bart:Dad, you can't walk under a ladder. It's bad luck.

Homer:That's ridiculous, boy. Walking under a ladder is good luck. I do it all the time.

Bart:No, Dad, it's definitely bad luck.

Homer:Well, I've walked under thousands of ladders and I'm fine. In fact, I'm better than fine!

Marge:Homer, what happened to the car?

Homer:Well, it all started back in 1985...

Marge:That was last week!

Homer:Exactly. Ancient history.

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Homer:Hey, I'm not crazy, I'm just crazy like a... fox!

Homer:Wait, that didn't come out right. I'm crazy like a... um... stupid like a... dumb like a...

Barney:Five dollars for a beer? That's highway robbery!

Homer:Yeah, but Barney, you're paying for quality. This beer is... cold.

Homer:Real money is in bootlegging, not vandalism.

Bart:Man, I've been wasting my time.

Rex Banner:Now listen here, you beer-soaked bum. I'm gonna ask you one more time: where'd you get that giggle water?

Barney:I don't know what you're talking about, copper.

Rex Banner:Don't give me the runaround, you two-bit grifter. That sauce came from somewhere, and I'm gonna find out where you're getting your hooch.

Barney:Look, I'm just a regular Joe trying to wet my whistle.

Rex Banner:You're a real weasel, you know that? A real tin horn. Now spill it before I haul you down to the big house.

Marge:Homer, I can't believe you've been running an illegal brewery in our garage. But I have to say, your organizational skills are impeccable.

Lisa:But don't you see? Breaking the law is morally wrong, even if everyone else is doing it.

Homer, Marge, Bart, Maggie:Oh, shut up, Lisa!

Rex Banner:Well, let's see here. You got a cash register. Bottles of booze. A neon sign that says 'Drinks.' And nobody's buying pets.

Rex Banner:I'll take the pet shop story.

Rex Banner:Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some actual pet advice to dispense at a speakeasy.

Rex Banner:I shall catch the Beer Baron if it's the last thing I do!

Homer:Nah nah nah nah nah, you can't catch me!

Narrator:The Beer Baron's arrogance knew no bounds. He considered even the slightest disrespect—a sideways glance, a hesitant handshake, or worst of all, wearing a hat in his presence—to be a major provocation worthy of swift and brutal retaliation.

Bart:Dad?

Homer:That's not my name. It's 'The Hammer'.

Bart:Dad, we're out of beer.

Homer:Out of beer? But I'm the head of this household!

Homer:Why isn't that working?

Moe:Homer, I'm desperate! I need something to drink. Anything!

Homer:Well, you could try drinking paint thinner. I did once and I only went blind for like three weeks.

Moe:Paint thinner? That's insane!

Homer:Okay, okay, how about antifreeze? It's got a nice sweet taste, and it makes your insides tingly.

Moe:That'll kill me!

Homer:Only if you drink too much. I once drank a whole gallon and I'm still here! Well, mostly here.

Homer Simpson:I'll take 42 bathtubs.

Salesman:42 bathtubs? Well, you've qualified for our bulk discount!

Homer Simpson:Woo-hoo!

Homer:I'm not breaking the law, I'm breaking the chains of tyranny! That makes me a patriot, just like those guys in prison.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'll tell you, I have been making beer in my basement. But it's all perfectly legal! I have a permit! It says right here: 'By order of the Mayor, Nedward Flanders is hereby authorized to produce up to 500 gallons of beer per annum for personal consumption.' See? Nothing illegal about it!

Rex Banner:You're under arrest.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Secret identity. Ever.

Marge:Homer, there have been three explosions in this house today!

Homer:BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Those are just sound effects, Marge.

Homer:*KABOOM!*

Homer:Nope, that one was real.

Chief Wiggum:Well, you see, when you're a police chief on a $40,000 a year salary, sometimes you have to make... economies.

Chief Wiggum:Alright, you're under arrest for attempted robbery. And I'm confiscating this weapon.

Chief Wiggum:Now, if you don't cooperate, I'm gonna throw this gun at you!

Rex Banner:The Beer Baron is nothing but a myth, a bogeyman, a legend used to scare children!

Homer Simpson:D'oh!

Rex Banner:What was that?

Homer Simpson:Nothing, sir.

Rex Banner:This is laughable!

Rex Banner:I mean, it's funny. You should be laughing.

Chief Wiggum:Homer, your bowling ball system is quite elaborate - the pulleys, the counterweights, the hydraulic pumps...

Homer:It's got a hole in it.

Chief Wiggum:Don't worry Homer, I'm sure they'll go easy on you. After all, you're my friend.

Homer:Really?

Chief Wiggum:Nah, I'm just kidding. You're going to prison for a long time.

Judge:You are sentenced to be launched from a catapult.

Homer:A catapult? But I was expecting a stern talking-to!

Rex Banner:You can't just choose which laws you want to obey. If you do that, pretty soon everyone would be doing it.

Rex Banner:I'd kill you if I could.

Rex Banner:You see, in my interpretation of the law, that would be legal.

Homer:Three weeks.

Homer:What? I'm retired!