My Sister My Sitter

Homer:D'oh!

TV Host:We now go live to the opening of the world's first two-story outhouse.

Man:Ahhhhhhh!

Comedy Nurse:So you're all here for shoulder surgery?

Patients:Yes, doctor.

Comedy Nurse:Well, I have some bad news. This is actually a prank show!

Patients:What?!

Homer:I remembered about the waterfront party!

Marge:Homer, you didn't remember. You forgot completely.

Homer:That's not true, Marge. I remembered it so hard, I forgot it.

Lisa:As a babysitter, I take my responsibilities very seriously. The refrigerator is off-limits unless there's a genuine nutritional emergency.

Bart:But Lisa, I'm starving!

Lisa:Starving is not a genuine nutritional emergency. Starvation is a process.

Bart:I didn't know Satan was into good music.

Reverend Lovejoy:Now, if you mention the sermon topic, you'll get a discount!

Man:...

Man:Was it... God?

Lisa:I'm very mature for my age.

Homer:Oh yeah? Prove it.

Lisa:Well, last week someone thought I was nine instead of eight!

Ned:Well, I've got a heck of a problem.

Homer:Have you tried shooting it?

Homer:Sorry Ned, I can't help you. I'd love to, but I'm... I'm dying.

Ned:Oh no! When?

Homer:Soon. Very soon. The doctors say I have... three weeks.

Ned:Homer, that's terrible! What can I do?

Homer:Well, you could help me with one last thing before I go...

Ned:Of course! Anything!

Homer:...but you just said you're dying too, so never mind.

Ned:Can Lisa babysit my kids?

Homer:I'll have to ask her... Lisa!

Lisa:Dad, I'm right here. I'd love to babysit.

Homer:She says yes.

Rod:If you land on a blessed square, you move forward two spaces.

Todd:And if you land on a wicked square, you move backward three spaces and say a prayer of contrition.

Rod:The winner is whoever reaches the end first, unless they've been sinful, in which case they lose automatically.

Todd:We made it less fun on purpose.

Rod:A moth! A moth!

Todd:It's huge! It's gonna kill us!

Rod:We're doomed!

Lisa:It's just like a ladybug. Ladybugs are harmless.

Rod:Ahhhhh!

Todd:Ahhhhh!

Lisa:Those boys are so sheltered, they'll probably end up as either delusional optimists or deeply disturbed individuals.

Chief Wiggum:Now, if there's any trouble, just give me a call at the station.

Chief Wiggum:But don't call unless it's a real emergency.

Chief Wiggum:And don't call at all if I'm not there.

Lisa:I'm so excited to see Bob Seger tonight!

Chief Wiggum:Bob Seger? Oh, you mean the Silver Bullet Band? That's gonna be great!

Bart:Dad, why are you wearing a tuxedo at 6 in the morning?

Homer:I rented it.

Bart:You rented it? When do you have to return it?

Homer:Return it? Bart, when you rent a tuxedo, you keep it.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, Lisa, you're as reliable as a condom machine in a girls' school. Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Lisa:Babysitting is more than just watching TV and eating chips. It's a service industry. I provide emotional support, conflict resolution, and creative play stimulation.

Lisa:My rates are: $5 an hour for basic childcare, $7.50 for educational activities, $10 for psychological counseling, and $15 if they need me to be a role model.

Lisa:Dad, you look surprisingly distinguished in that tuxedo. You know, it's almost as if the feudal system's rigid class structure somehow found its way into modern formal wear, and you've managed to embody the aspirational qualities of a minor nobleman who's just been invited to court.

Bart:Lisa's gonna babysit me? That's like... that's like putting me under house arrest! It's a violation of my constitutional rights! This is worse than the Boston Tea Party, worse than the Trail of Tears, worse than that time I had to sit through a whole PTA meeting!

Lisa:Bart, it's just for two hours.

Bart:Two hours?! Two hours?! That's like a lifetime! A lifetime of tyranny! I'm calling the United Nations!

Bart:I'm gonna tie you to a chair and pour syrup all over you!

Lisa:Or we could play board games!

Bart:I'm gonna lock you in the basement!

Lisa:We could read poetry together!

Mayor Quimby:Homer! You can't drive through the pedestrian mall!

Homer:But Mr. Mayor, I'm late for work!

Mayor Quimby:That's no excuse! This is a safety hazard!

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:My, isn't it nice? No traffic at all.

Homer:Yeah, yeah...

Marge:We're making excellent time!

[HONK HONK HONK - cars honking all around them, traffic jam visible]

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Mom, can I have some more lima beans?

Marge:Of course, honey.

Bart:Actually, I don't want to eat them. I just want to look at them so I can disgust myself.

Lisa:Bart, you're such a baby.

Bart:Oh yeah? Well if I'm a baby, then I'm gonna act like one!

Bart:Waaah! Waaah! Goo goo ga ga!

Lisa:Bart, you're going to choke doing that.

Bart:Goo goo ga ga!

Lisa:I'm serious. You need to swallow before you breathe.

Bart:Waaah! Goo goo!

Bart:I gave Maggie coffee ice cream with caffeine in it.

Bart:Ay caramba, what have I done?

Marge:Homer, we're yuppies now.

Homer:We are not! I work hard for a living. I have a job at the nuclear plant, I come home, I crack open a cold one, and I watch TV. If that makes me a yuppie, then so be it. But I know in my heart that I'm just an ordinary Joe who... who likes to... to enjoy himself.

Celebrity Chef:Of course, I personally created every dish on this menu. Each recipe is a masterpiece born from my own culinary genius.

Celebrity Chef:Well, okay, fine. My sous chef actually made most of them. And my pastry chef did the desserts. And honestly, the line cooks probably did like 90% of the actual cooking.

Marge:Oh, what a clever restaurant! Look at this authentic car crash décor!

Trapped Person:Help! Somebody help me! I've been trapped in here for three days!

Marge:So realistic!

Moe:You know, I'm real proud of this place. It's authentically terrible, not like those trendy dive bars in the city. This dump didn't become a dump on purpose – it earned it through years of neglect and poor life choices.

Moe:Homer, you don't belong here. This is a classy establishment.

Homer:What? But I come here every day!

Moe:Yeah, well— *notices customer entering* Welcome! Come right in, sir! Best drinks in town!

Bart:Yeah, I'd like to order a sandwich. Make it huge. Like, the size of a small car.

Bart:And I want exactly 47 pickles on it. Not 46, not 48. Forty. Seven.

Bart:Oh, and put the mayo on the left side only. My sister's gonna hate this.

Bart:I'm practicing nonviolent resistance, man. Just like Gandhi.

Lisa:Bart, who's Gandhi?

Bart:I dunno. But he sounds cool.

Delivery Guy:That'll be $8,347.50.

Lisa:But I didn't order this!

Delivery Guy:Says here it's for Bart Simpson. One 300-foot submarine sandwich.

Lisa:Bart! This is your prank, you pay for it!

Bart:Eat my shorts, Lisa. I'm outta here!

Homer Simpson:Who is it?

Male Stripper:Hey, I'm here for the bachelor party!

Homer Simpson:We didn't order a stripper.

Male Stripper:Yeah you did. Says right here—Simpson residence.

Homer Simpson:Well, there's no bachelor party here, pal.

Male Stripper:Aww, man. That's the third wrong address this week.

Agent:We're here about your UFO report.

Lisa:Yes, I saw a spacecraft land in our backyard.

Agent:No, you didn't.

Lisa:But I—

Agent:You didn't see anything.

Driver:I'm here to pick up Ambassador Krusty.

Lisa:There is no Ambassador Krusty. Krusty the Clown isn't a real ambassador.

Driver:Well, someone paid for diplomatic transportation. I've got the paperwork right here.

Lisa:Bart, it's time for bed.

Bart:Bed? I'm not tired!

Marge:Bart, what are you doing in our bed?

Bart:Well, you said I should get into bed with my parents more often.

Homer:We said no such thing!

Bart:You said, 'Bart, you need to be more of a family man.' So here I am.

Male Stripper:Forget the money. Just get me a sandwich.

Lisa:Bart, your arm is dislocated!

Bart:I know! Isn't it cool? I can move it all around!

Lisa:You should be in excruciating pain.

Bart:Nah, I'm just excited I finally have a legitimate excuse to get out of gym class.

Bart:Wait a minute... I'm injured. That means I can get away with anything!

Bart:And if Lisa tries to stop me, everyone will think SHE'S the bad guy for picking on a cripple!

Bart:Ay caramba, this is gonna destroy her goody-two-shoes image!

Homer:Why, you all think this is funny? Well, the joke's on you! I'm gonna go home and eat some donuts!

Bart:Lisa! Lisa, help! I'm stuck!

Lisa:Bart, what happened?

Bart:I can't get out! My arm's stuck in the sink!

Bart:Wait... wait... if I break my other arm, everyone will think YOU did it!

Bart:Ow! Ow! Ow! Lisa hurt me! Lisa hurt me!

Lisa Simpson:911, what's your emergency?

911 Operator:We've had several calls from that address. Let me check the log here... A man stuck in a bathtub with a turkey, someone reporting a flying carpet, and just last week, a complaint about a giant donut on the roof.

Chief Wiggum:Well, it all started when the boy was riding his skateboard down Evergreen Terrace at approximately 3 PM. He was being chased by what appeared to be a pack of wild dogs, or possibly a single very large dog. The boy then crashed through the front window of the Kwik-E-Mart, destroying several shelves of merchandise. At that point, Apu fired a warning shot, which ricocheted off a fire hydrant and struck the boy in the rear end.

Marge:Oh my, this doctor has excellent credentials. It says here he's board certified!

Marge:And look, he promises to treat patients with the utmost care and respect.

Marge:I'm sure everything in this advertisement is completely accurate and trustworthy.

Snake:Yeah, man, I was cleaning my gun, and it went off. Then I fell on the bullet. Twice.

Doctor:The bullet's still in there.

Snake:Yeah, well, I'm saving it for a rainy day, man.

Doctor Nick:Well, if a guy's gonna fake his own death, he might as well do it right. The key is bribing the right people.

Hospital Worker:We have a special line for wheelbarrow patients.

Comic Book Guy:The doctor says I need to lose weight. Worst. Diet. Ever.

Doctor:Actually, I didn't mention a diet. You just showed up weighing 315 pounds claiming you ate an entire rotisserie chicken while watching the Director's Cut of Blade Runner 2049.

Comic Book Guy:In my defense, the theatrical cut was severely compromised by studio interference. My depression-driven consumption of poultry was entirely justified by the cinematic context.

Chief Wiggum:A wheelbarrow, eh? Nice ball bearings. Smooth action on the wheels. Where'd you get this beauty?

Lisa Simpson:Chief Wiggum, we need your help! There's an emergency!

Chief Wiggum:In a minute, in a minute. This is one quality piece of equipment. The craftsmanship, the durability... You know, I've been looking for a wheelbarrow just like this.

Mayor Quimby:I hereby declare this ceremony officially open!

Lisa Simpson:Wait! Stop! I have an emergency!

Mayor Quimby:Young lady, I'm in the middle of an official declaration.

Lisa Simpson:But sir, this is urgent!

Mayor Quimby:Nothing is more important than municipal procedure.

Crowd Member:She's killing him!

Another Person:Well, yeah. What else would she do?

Crowd Member:Lisa's on drugs!

Homer:Where?!

Bart:Man, I was really hoping for a cool prosthetic arm or something. But nooo, they just healed it.

Dr. Hibbert:Lisa, I'm concerned about your reputation issues at school.

Lisa:What should I do, Dr. Hibbert?

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I'd love to help, but I have a personal judo class in ten minutes, and frankly, that's more important.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, yes, I am concerned. But I have a judo class in twenty minutes.

Lisa:Mr. Flanders, I have to tell you - last time I babysat, there was a small incident with the house.

Ned:Well, now, Lisa, I'm sure it wasn't that bad. Let me just consult with the family here.

Maude:Ned, absolutely not!

Rod:Yeah, Dad, she's bad!

Todd:Super bad!

Ned:Well, the family's spoken. So... when can you start?