Radioactive Man

Homer:D'oh!

Comic Book Guy:These classic superheroes are irreplaceable! Modern comics pale in comparison to the originals.

Comic Book Guy:Of course, the limited edition variant cover of 'The Fly' #47 is the greatest comic ever printed. Mint condition, naturally.

Comic Book Guy:Ah yes, Radioactive Man's catchphrase 'Eat my shorts' is a delicious pun on the homonymic conflict between the literal meaning of the phrase and its idiomatic usage as a colloquialism.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Catchphrase. Ever.

Bart:Check it out, Milhouse. I got the ultra-rare special edition comic.

Milhouse:Wow! How much is it worth?

Bart:The dealer said it's worth a fortune because every page is just the same character dying over and over.

Milhouse:That's... that's a special edition?

Bart:Apparently the printer had a really bad day.

Comic Book Guy:The aesthetics of the Radioactive Man film are a travesty of the source material's original intent—

Comic Book Guy:Wait, is that air conditioning unit leaking? That's a serious moisture problem that could lead to mold proliferation. We need to address this immediately.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Movie. Ever.

Comic Book Guy:I shall now spend the next four hours typing a detailed, single-spaced, 50-page critique using every synonym for 'bad' in the thesaurus, with footnotes and a comprehensive bibliography.

Producer:We'd love to, but there are two problems. First, he's been dead for ten years.

Producer:Second, he was never very good.

Director:Death is no obstacle to casting. We can work around it.

Radioactive Man:Not so fast, Scoutmaster! Your billowing backpacks won't save you this time!

Scoutmaster:You fool, Radioactive Man! My billowing backpacks are unstoppable!

Scoutmaster:Use your fingernails as weapons, boys!

Scout:But sir, we're just children!

Scoutmaster:Exactly! They'll never expect it!

Homer Simpson:Wow, look at this ad! It's so blurry and poorly made.

Lenny:Yeah, must be really popular if they can afford such bad advertising.

Homer Simpson:That's right! Only the best businesses can mess up this badly!

Mayor Quimby:We'll give you anything you want! Tax breaks, free land, whatever it takes to get a major film production here in Springfield!

Hollywood Producer:Well, we'll need to demolish several buildings for our sets.

Mayor Quimby:Done! Tear down City Hall if you have to!

Hollywood Producer:Great. We'll also need to redirect the river and level that hill over there.

Mayor Quimby:Absolutely! Whatever you need!

Hollywood Producer:Perfect. And we'll need to eliminate the entire population within a ten-mile radius.

Mayor Quimby:You got it— wait, what?

Producer:I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor, but we can't air a segment that promotes genocide.

Quimby:Oh, I understand. You want to air it during sweeps week instead!

Principal Skinner:I'd like to introduce our new student, Bart... Bort.

Student:It's Bart.

Principal Skinner:That's what I said, Bort.

Principal Skinner:And one more thing — we need to talk about that gum under the desk in room 203.

Bart:Eat my shorts, man!

Homer:Who is this 'man' he keeps talking about?

Homer:Marge, I think Bart's cheating on me with some guy named Man!

Bart:Bart Simpson sees acting as a vehicle for exploring the multifaceted dimensions of the human condition. Through the lens of performance, Bart can transcend the quotidian limitations of his preteen existence and access the profound emotional depths that society typically denies to those of his age demographic.

Grampa:Yo, yo, yo! What's up, my homies? Y'all best believe this old dog still got some moves, y'all!

Bart:Wait, Grampa was in the Little Rascals?

Milhouse:Yeah, which one was he?

Bart:The ugly one.

Milhouse:The ugly one.

Grampa:I played Smelly, the kid whose act was getting dirty from exhaust pipes.

Grampa:Back in my day, we had real writers. William Faulkner could take a pie in the face and make it literature.

Grampa:I didn't steal nothin'! That's my bit from the vaudeville days!

Actor:Sir, that routine has been performed continuously for forty years. You can't just claim ownership.

Grampa:But I created it! I'm the original!

Actor:Well, you should've copyrighted it back then, old man.

Director:We have some terrible news. Our beloved Alfalfa has passed away.

Actor:Oh no! What happened?

Director:Well, he got hit by a car. But don't worry, we own the studio, so it's fine.

Narrator:As Springfield prepared for the arrival of the Hollywood film crew, the townspeople engaged in what they believed to be reasonable commerce.

Milhouse:You see, it's all about delivery. Like Shakespeare said, 'To be or not to be'...

Milhouse:...that is the question. *pauses for effect* Get it? Comedy gold.

Ralph:Me fail English? That's unpossible.

Unknown Child:Hey, look! It's Radioactive Man!

Another Child:When's lunch? I'm starving!

Director:This kid is perfect for the role! Pure talent, natural instincts, everything I've been looking for!

Assistant:That's great, but we have a problem.

Director:What problem? What could possibly be wrong?

Assistant:Child labor laws, work permits, education requirements, SAG-AFTRA regulations... it's a nightmare.

Director:So what are you saying?

Assistant:We can't hire him. We'll have to go with the guy who can't act but is thirty-seven years old.

Director:You're perfect for the role, Bart. You've got that mischievous look we need.

Bart:Gee, thanks, mister!

Director:Wait, how tall are you?

Bart:I'm... I'm four feet tall.

Director:Never mind, you're too short. Next!

Bart:Why won't you grow, stupid body?

Homer:I got an idea, boy. We'll tie your legs to that horse and your arms to this one.

Bart:Dad, that's the dumbest thing you've ever—

Homer:Giddyap!

Bart:AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Marge:Homer, stop! You're going to kill him!

Bart:I can feel my spine stretching! I think I'm taller!

Homer:Keep going, boy! Almost there!

Bart:Dad... I can't... take... anymore...

Homer:One more inch!

Bart:NOOOOOOOO!

Lisa:Bart, at least you're growing. That's more than most kids your age can say.

Bart:Yeah, but Lisa, I'm only growing down. Pretty soon I'll be as shriveled up as Grampa.

Bart:I grew an inch!

Homer:That's great, son!

Marge:You're standing on platform shoes.

Bart:No I'm not!

Lionel Hutz:Hello there, young star! I'm Lionel Hutz, the best entertainment lawyer in Springfield. I can make your career skyrocket!

Lionel Hutz:I've got connections everywhere - with the studios, the networks, the... uh... the pharmaceutical distributors...

Lionel Hutz:I mean, the pharmaceutical COMPANIES. Legitimate ones. Very legitimate.

Homer:Sorry boy, I can't hear you. I'm wearing a Jacuzzi suit.

Bart:You know, I could've been a star. I had the talent, the looks, the comedy chops.

Bart:But I missed my shot. And now I'm just a regular 10-year-old.

Bart:Like George Burns always said, 'Show business is 90% luck and 10% talent.' Well, I had the talent, man. I just didn't have the luck.

Lisa:Being a friend means being there for someone through thick and thin. You have to listen to their problems, support their dreams, and occasionally help them through their rough patches.

Lisa:You know, like when they come home after a long day and need to vent about how their dad drank too much and threw a shoe at the TV again.

Bart:I gotta befriend Milhouse. He's famous now!

Lisa:Bart, you're treating him like he's some kind of god.

Bart:Well, isn't that what celebrities are? Modern-day idols we worship?

Homer:Wait a minute... you're the director of that awful movie I saw last week!

Director:Yes, I am. Did you... enjoy it?

Homer:Enjoy it? It was terrible! Two hours of my life I'll never get back. The plot made no sense, the acting was wooden, and I'm pretty sure a trained monkey could've done better with the camera work.

Director:I... see.

Homer:And another thing - the ending was so predictable, a blind man could've seen it coming from a mile away. You know what? Forget it. Just... make better movies.

Director:Sorry Krusty, you're not right for the main clown role. But we do have some alternatives.

Director:How about... Sad Clown?

Krusty:No.

Director:Angry Clown?

Krusty:No.

Director:Clown with a skin condition?

Krusty:No!

Krusty:I promise you, from this day forward, I will dedicate myself entirely to my craft!

Krusty:Well, except during duck season. I gotta hunt.

Director:No, no, no. It's pronounced 'Up and Adam' — like the name Adam.

Rainier Wolfcastle:But sir, isn't it supposed to be 'Up and Atom'? Like the atom?

Director:Adam, Atom — what's the difference? Just say it like Adam.

Stunt Double:I'm Milhouse's stunt double. I do all the dangerous stuff.

Stunt Double:Watch this.

Stunt Double:Hey, everyone! I'm a dork!

Milhouse:My leg's crushed! My leg's crushed!

Milhouse:Oh, and my spleen!

Milhouse:Ow! Ow! There's broken glass!

Director:Perfect! That's exactly the kind of raw emotion I'm looking for. Keep it up!

Milhouse:No, I'm actually hurt!

Director:Yes, yes, the method acting approach. Brilliant!

Milhouse:Are X-rays real?

Director:I don't know, but I'll investigate later.

Crew member:We can't use real cows in movies. They're too unpredictable.

Bart:So what do you use instead?

Crew member:Well, we use horses for most scenes. But when we need a horse, we tape four cats together.

Bart:Four cats? That's genius!

Crew member:Yeah, it works great. Unless they get loose. Then we have to tape them back together.

Homer:Wow, you guys are really lazy. Can I join?

Quimby:We're implementing a new tax on all film directors in Springfield.

Director:But sir, I'm not making any money on this picture!

Quimby:Well then, we'll tax you on what you owe. And if you ARE making money, we'll tax that too.

Mayor Quimby:We need to impose a tax on puffy directing pants.

Director:But I'm wearing regular pants!

Mayor Quimby:Well then, we're repealing the tax immediately.

Milhouse:I hate these early makeup calls. Do you know what time I have to wake up?

Milhouse:But I have to admit... I look pretty good in makeup.

Milhouse:I've said 'jiminy jillickers' so many times, the words have lost all meaning.

Director:We need to reshoot this scene from different angles. Rolling camera! Action! Cut! Okay, let's go again from the top. Action! Cut! One more time! Action! Cut! Again! Action! Cut! AGAIN! Action! Cut! AGAIN AGAIN! Action! Cut! AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!

Milhouse:Ay caramba!

Rainier Wolfcastle:Watch your language, kid!

Homer:Yeah, Milhouse will be a big star. He's got the look of a young Andy Devine.

Milhouse:Who's Andy Devine?

Homer:Exactly.

Director:This stunt involves pouring acid on a child actor, but don't worry—we've got excellent safety protocols in place for the crew.

Rainier Wolfcastle:Don't worry, I've got my safety goggles on!

Rainier Wolfcastle:These should protect me from any—oh no, the acid is coming right through!

Rainier Wolfcastle:My safety equipment is useless! Even Radioactive Man can't survive this!

Rainier Wolfcastle:My eyes. The goggles do nothing.

Actor:This is a disaster! We just destroyed a million-dollar set!

Director:We need to figure out what went wrong!

Actor:I know what went wrong — this coffee is cold.

Archive Milhouse:I'm ready for my close-up!

Archive Radioactive Man:The criminal element must be stopped.

Archive Milhouse:Oh boy, oh boy!

Archive Radioactive Man:We'll take them down together.

Archive Milhouse:Can I have a sandwich?

Director:I'm very proud of this editing work. The transitions are seamless, the pacing is perfect, and the color correction really brings out the—

Producer:You're fired.

Director:What? Why?

Producer:Incompetence.

Bart:So what you're saying is, the dogs aren't really looking for anything. They're just enjoying themselves.

Dog Handler:Well, I... that's not exactly...

Bart:You're dodging the question, aren't you?

Dog Handler:Look, kid, it's complicated...

Dog Handler:I was just going to say... well, you know how it is when you start talking about something and then you realize halfway through that it's not going anywhere so you just kind of trail off into...

Professor Frink:My research indicates there's a direct correlation between eating cubed cheese and developing the ability to speak backwards, g'day!

Bart:Uh, thanks Professor, but I'm gonna pass.

Professor Frink:As I predicted.

Milhouse:Real heroes are out there, doing important work. Firefighters, doctors, teachers...

Bart:Oh, you mean TV stars?

Milhouse:Disease researchers and hunger fighters are real heroes!

Bart:Nah, they're all failures. We still got disease and hunger.

Bart:You want to know who gets real results? Here's my ranking of action stars by effectiveness.

Bart:Van Damme is at the bottom. The guy's so flexible, he can kick himself in the back of the head. That's not effective, that's just sad.

Milhouse:Wow, two consecutive years? That's like, almost a whole decade!

Mickey Rooney:I followed the surveillance cameras. Studio puts 'em everywhere these days - even in kids' tree houses!

Milhouse:Movie stardom is hollow.

Mickey Rooney:Well, the music industry is worse!

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Producer:That's it, we're shutting down production.

Mayor Quimby:Wait, wait, wait! You can't leave Springfield without paying the exit tax!

Film Crew Member:Exit tax? There's no such thing!

Mayor Quimby:There is now. I just invented it. That'll be $500 per person.

Marge:Well, I think the filmmakers are just trying to tell an important story.

Homer:Marge, they're selling action figures and a breakfast cereal.

Marge:Exactly! They're committed to reaching their audience through multiple platforms.

Homer Simpson:We could return the money to Hollywood.

Marge Simpson:That's the right thing to do.

Homer Simpson:Nah.

Agent:Come on, Mickey, we gotta get you to the next audition!

Mickey Rooney:What's the role?

Agent:Little girl in a commercial.

Mickey Rooney:Little girl? I'm there!

Producer:Thank God I'm finally leaving Springfield. In Hollywood, they treat you with respect and dignity.

Homer:Yeah, right. You'll be back begging us to exploit you again in no time.