Home Sweet Homediddly Dum Doodily

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:I'm melba-fying this toast for Maggie.

Marge:I got these newspapers from the dump. I asked some hoboes there to help me sort through them.

Marge:I'm starting to worry about my mental health.

Marge:Now children, tomorrow is school photo day. I want you both looking your absolute best.

Marge:Bart, I don't want any of your pranks. And please check Lisa for signs before you leave the house.

Homer:Help! Help! There's a spider on my car keys!

Marge:Homer, it's just a tiny spider.

Homer:Just a tiny spider?! Marge, it's NEAR my keys! Do you know what that means?

Marge:What?

Homer:I can't drive anywhere! I'm trapped!

Homer:Marge! There's a spider in the bathroom!

Marge:Oh Homer, I'm so proud of you for asking for help instead of panicking.

Car Salesman:So let me tell you about this vehicle's features—

Homer:I shan't be needing further explanation. Yoicks!

Homer:Marge, you deserve a spa day. They'll exfoliate your skin, which is just fancy words for scraping off the dead stuff. Then they'll wrap you in mud like you're a mummy getting ready for the afterlife. They'll put cucumbers on your eyes so you can't see how much your life has fallen apart. And finally, they'll massage you with oils so you're all slippery and gross, like a cooked rotisserie chicken.

School Nurse:Head lice? That's a problem we solved back in the '70s.

Bart:But I have them right now.

School Nurse:Impossible. Nobody gets lice anymore. It's outdated.

Bart:So I found this guy passed out in a shopping basket at the mall, right? And I was like, 'Hey, free hat!' So I put his head on mine for a while.

Bart:This is so unfair! Why do I have to get deloused?

Milhouse:Brrr! It's f-f-freezing!

Bart:Oh, quit your whining, Milhouse.

Principal Skinner:I'm implementing a new policy to address this crisis with the utmost professionalism. Henceforth, we shall be conducting mandatory scalpal hygiene inspections.

Groundskeeper Willie:Ye should get yer head checked fer boogs, lass!

Ralph:Hi Principal Skinner, I like your sooes.

Principal Skinner:Sweet Georgia Brown! To be or not to be... that is NOT the question here. The question is: how is one family creating such chaos?

Fat Tony:Don't worry, fellas. I'll make you comfortable.

Fat Tony:*removes towel*

Child Services Worker:I need to see where the baby sleeps.

Grampa:Right over there.

Child Services Worker:That's a potted plant.

Grampa:Well, she hasn't grown much.

Grampa:Back in my day, we didn't need all these fancy baby books. You just let 'em cry it out. Babies are stupid anyway.

Marge:Dad! Maggie could fall off the changing table!

Grampa:That's how they learn, boy. Natural selection.

Marge:Oh my God, it says here the children are malnourished, kept in a cage, and forced to fight each other for food.

Marge:They're not being read bedtime stories...

Marge:And Bart's socks don't match!

Ned Flanders:Well, howdy-diddly-do, Simpson children! You little neglect-a-rinos sure are looking neglect-diddly-ectful today!

Bart:I appreciate the gesture, but you guys are kind of creepy. Like, serial killer creepy. So maybe tone it down?

Lisa:It fell out naturally! It was just... loose.

Lisa:Okay, fine, it looked a little yellow, but that's normal for a nine-year-old!

Ned Flanders:Well, howdy-diddly-doodly, Lisa! Lost a tooth, have we? Don't you worry one bit, neighbor! I know a fantastic denture specialist over in Springfield. We'll get you all fitted up with a nice set of chompers!

Lisa Simpson:Mr. Flanders, it's just a baby tooth. It's supposed to fall out.

Ned Flanders:Oh, sure, sure, that's what they want you to think! But mark my words, the tooth fairy's just a gateway to a lifetime of dental prosthetics!

Homer:Dad, this is your fault! You said the bridge was safe!

Grampa:Oh, quit your bitching, boy. A little structural damage never killed anybody.

Homer:I can take care of a house plant.

Homer:How hard can it be?

Homer:D'oh!

Ned Flanders:Well howdy-diddly-do, kids! Care for some nachos?

Bart:Sure, Mr. Flanders.

Ned Flanders:Well, here you go! Steamed wheat germ with a side of plain tofu and a drizzle of non-fat ranch dressing made with mayonnaise substitute!

Lisa:Mr. Flanders, that's... not nachos at all.

Ned Flanders:I know! Nachos are too spicy-diddly-icy and delicious-diddly-icious for growing youngsters! This is much healthier!

Ned Flanders:Well, I suppose you boys can watch a little television. But nothing too stimulating for young minds.

Ned Flanders:My Three Sons? Oh no, that's far too racy. All that... family bonding and gentle humor. The children might get ideas.

Ned Flanders:Well, boys, I know that cartoon looked awfully violent, but if you look closely, nobody actually gets hurt.

Rod Flanders:But Dad, he got hit with a rake seventeen times.

Ned Flanders:Uh, yes, well, I'm sure that rake was made of foam. A very sturdy foam.

Rod Flanders:It looked like a real rake.

Ned Flanders:Well, son, cartoons aren't real. It's all just drawings. Drawings can't hurt anybody.

Todd Flanders:Wow, that cartoon violence was so cool! I'm gonna go beat up Rod right now!

Homer:Is that... is that Lisa? Or Bart in a dress?

Homer:Wait, which one's the girl again?

Automated Voice:Thank you for calling. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Press 1 if you are a fat idiot.

Automated Voice:Press 2 if you are a bald idiot.

Automated Voice:Press 3 if you are a stupid, ugly, yellow idiot.

Homer Simpson:Hey, this is just like the DMV!

Marge:Do you have any children?

Social Worker:No. I don't like children.

Homer:I'm a great father! I read to my kids, I help with homework, I'm very involved in their lives.

Social Worker:That's wonderful, Mr. Simpson. And how would you describe your parenting philosophy?

Homer:Well, I believe in letting them do whatever they want, feeding them donuts for dinner, and occasionally forgetting they exist for weeks at a time.

Homer:Wait, wait, wait—can I start over? Do-over! Do-over!

Homer:I care about all my kids. There's Bart, Lisa, and uh... Maggie. Wait, no... Mort.

Social Worker:That's your baby's name.

Homer:Right, right. Look, I got nothing against Mort.

Lisa:The last time Dad gave Maggie any attention was when she had a medical emergency.

Ned Flanders:Well, howdy-diddly-doodly, kids! Let me cheer you up with some ice cream!

Ned Flanders:It's sugar-free, fat-free, and flavor-free, made with ingredients the good Lord intended: water and regret.

Parenting Instructor:You should always keep milk in the back of the refrigerator, where it's coldest.

Homer Simpson:What if the refrigerator breaks?

Parenting Instructor:Well, you'd need a backup plan.

Homer Simpson:Like what? Keep it in a moat? Guard it with knights?

Homer:Wait, you're telling me I can just... throw things away? And they're gone? Forever?

Instructor:Now Homer, you should bathe regularly.

Homer:Bathe regularly? Why didn't anyone tell me this before?

Instructor:It's basic hygiene, Homer.

Homer:Wow, you're a genius!

Ned Flanders:♪ Medicaid, Medicaid, it's a blessing from the Lord! ♪

Ned Flanders:♪ Takes the kids away from bad parents, what a lovely reward! ♪

Lisa:Remember when Mom tried to teach us about nutrition by making that casserole out of string cheese and marshmallows?

Bart:Dude, I'm still not sure what that thing was. I think it achieved sentience.

Lisa:Well, she meant well. That's what matters with Mom. Her heart is always in the right place, even if her recipes aren't.

Bart:Yeah, I guess you're right. At least she tried. That's more than most parents do.

Bart:Yeah, remember when Dad drove us all to the Grand Canyon, got lost for three days, and we had to eat nothing but beef jerky and regret?

Bart:Those were the days.

Homer:Where's my little girl and her... saxo-ma-phone?

Homer:I miss the kids already. Well, I miss Bart and Lisa. Maggie... I know so little about that baby, I can't think of anything to miss.

Homer:Why you little...

Homer:Oh wait, I'm in class. I mean... that's very disappointing, son. We'll talk about this over a nice, calm dinner.

Homer:I've been thinking about what you said, Cletus. About how a father should really listen to his son.

Cletus:Well, I'll be. Homer, that there's real wisdom.

Homer:You know, Cletus, you're right. I'm gonna go home and have a real heart-to-heart with Bart. No more yelling. Just listening.

Cletus:That's mighty fine parentin', Homer. I'm real proud of ya, boy.

Homer:*tears up* Why can't you be my son?

Ned Flanders:Who was the ancient Persian king who ruled from 486 to 465 BC?

Todd Flanders:Xerxes!

Ned Flanders:That's right, Todd! Okily-dokily!

Ned Flanders:Well, I asked the kids at Bible camp who built the ark, and they didn't know it was Noah! They thought it was some guy named Kevin!

Ned Flanders:Then I asked them about the Good Samaritan, and one of them said, 'Is that the guy with the really good dental plan?'

Ned Flanders:So I decided to test them on the more obscure passages. I asked, 'Who were the three wise men who brought gifts to baby Jesus?' They said, 'We don't know, we weren't there, diddly-doo!'

Ned Flanders:Then I got really specific. I asked about the time Jesus turned water into corn syrup, and they actually believed me!

Ned Flanders:And when I mentioned the Apostle Sven who invented the snowmobile, they wrote it down in their Bibles!

Lisa:We're not really into the whole Bible thing.

Maude:Unbaptized?! Why, that's like... that's like going through life with a dirty windshield!

Instructor:Marge Simpson... tested positive for hard drugs.

Marge:What?!

Instructor:I'm sorry, that was a lab error. You passed.

Marge:I'm not on drugs. I just have naturally low blood sugar. Well, that and my L.S.D.

Homer:L.S.D.?

Marge:Love for my Son and Daughters.

Reverend Lovejoy:Oh, don't worry about it. I'm sure the good Lord doesn't care much about the whole baptism thing. It's just water, after all.

Ned Flanders:Reverend! Reverend! I need an emergency baptism!

Reverend Lovejoy:Ned, what's wrong?

Ned Flanders:My baby needs baptizing right now or he'll go to Hell!

Reverend Lovejoy:Ned, for the love of God... just dunk him in the toilet!

Homer:I've completed the parenting class!

Homer:Now get the hell out of my way, you little bastards!

Homer:Wait, so we're inviting the Flanderses? Or is it the Flanderseses? The Flanderseseses?

Maggie:Diddly-daddy

Ned Flanders:My model trains! Not my model trains!

Bart:So Dad, how do you feel after being baptized?

Homer:Well, son, the sacrament of baptism represents a symbolic death and resurrection, echoing the paschal mystery and one's incorporation into the mystical body of Christ through the waters of regeneration.

Bart:Dad?

Homer:D'oh! I mean... water good!

Bart:Dad, how do you feel after being baptized?

Homer:Well, Bart, I feel spiritually renewed and intellectually elevated by this sacramental immersion in the waters of Christian redemption.

Homer:Come on, Flanders must have done something wrong. Nobody's that perfect.

Ned:Well, Homer, I suppose the only thing you could call questionable is that I save old paint cans.

Homer:AHA! I KNEW IT! You're a monster, Flanders!