Homie The Clown

Krusty:You know, cigarettes ain't all bad. They're a great way to meet people - just stand outside an office building and hack away!

Krusty:Plus, they help you save money on food - who needs to eat when you're smoking?

Krusty:And if you ever run out of lighters, just use a hundred dollar bill!

Krusty:Get me a sandwich, but I want it on Italian bread. And make sure the lettuce is organic. And I want it cut diagonally — no, wait, the other diagonal!

Krusty:And while you're at it, play some classy music. Get me that Kenny G guy.

Krusty:No, not the album — I want him to follow me around and play the saxophone in every elevator I go into for the rest of my life.

Accountant:Mr. Krusty, we need to discuss your wasteful spending. You've spent $50,000 on rubber chickens this month alone.

Krusty:So? People love rubber chickens. They're funny!

Accountant:But sir, you're hemorrhaging money. At this rate, you'll be bankrupt in six months.

Krusty:Bankrupt? That's crazy talk! Besides, I got a good feeling about this rubber chicken thing. It's gonna be huge!

Krusty:Your honor, George Carlin's lawyers are suing me because my seven dirty words bit is too similar to his. But I say it's impossible to do that bit any differently. You can't say eight dirty words—there are only seven!

Krusty:I didn't steal nothing! I'm a wild and crazy guy!

Krusty:I wanna place a bet on the opera!

Bookie:The opera? What are you betting on?

Krusty:The tenor! I got twenty bucks says the tenor takes it!

Bookie:Takes what? It's not a sporting event, it's a musical performance.

Krusty:Yeah yeah, whatever. Just give me 3-to-1 odds on the tenor!

Krusty:Hey, I'm not a gambling addict, I'm a gambling enthusiast!

Krusty:There's a difference - an addict needs help, but an enthusiast? An enthusiast just needs more money to keep gambling!

Krusty:And how am I gonna get more money? By gambling! It's the perfect system!

Accountant:We've got Krusty dolls, Krusty lunch boxes, Krusty backpacks...

Accountant:And our newest item: Krusty crowd-control barriers!

Child:Wow, a barrier!

Angelique:This amazing cream will transform your skin!

Johnny Unitas:My face is melting off!

Angelique:That's just the deep cleansing action.

Krusty:I gotta cut back on expenses. No more fancy stuff for the show.

Krusty:Starting tomorrow, we're doing everything on a shoestring budget.

Krusty:But first, let me call my caviar guy and order a fresh batch for lunch.

Homer:Oh boy, oh boy! I can't wait! It's almost time!

Marge:Homer, what are you talking about?

Homer:The billboard on Route 9! They change it every three months. It's the most exciting day of the year!

Marge:Homer, that's not a holiday.

Homer:Not a holiday?! I've already marked it on the calendar, bought a new shirt, and I'm planning a family picnic to watch it get changed. We'll bring sandwiches, drinks, the whole thing!

Lisa:Dad, it's just an advertisement.

Homer:JUST an advertisement?! Lisa, last time they changed it from the Duff beer ad to the car dealership ad. I cried. Happy tears.

Homer:Hmm, a billboard that says 'Don't have a cow, man.' Hey, I'm not having a cow. I'm having a homer!

Homer:Obey gravity. It's the law! Wow, a law about gravity? Why didn't anyone tell me?

Homer:Clown college? You can't eat a clown college diploma.

Homer:Well, I suppose you could try.

Homer:That ad didn't affect me at all.

Homer:I'm just gonna go buy some Duff beer, drive my car into a lake, and grab some donuts... for some reason.

Homer:You know, Marge, I've learned something today. If something is hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick with what's easy and hope it works out.

Homer:I'm going to clown college!

Marge:Absolutely not.

Homer:But Marge, it's a four-year university!

Marge:Homer, you're going to clown college?

Homer:That's right, Marge. I'm gonna be a clown.

Marge:Mmm-hmm.

Marge:Homer, I want you to listen to me very carefully. Do exactly what I say.

Homer:Okay.

Marge:First, go to the store and buy some milk. But don't you dare spend more than five dollars.

Homer:Got it.

Marge:And second, I want you to come straight home. But take the long way around town so you get some exercise.

Homer:Uh-huh.

Marge:And Homer, one more thing - be back here in ten minutes.

Homer:All right, all right, I'm going!

Homer:I'm here! I bought the milk for five dollars, I took the long way, AND I'm back in ten minutes!

Marge:Homer, that's impossible. You can't do all three things.

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Krusty is the greatest comedian who ever lived, as far as I know.

Lisa:Dad, your impersonation skills are terrible. Remember when you tried to do Ringo Starr and everyone thought you were having a stroke?

Homer:That was ONE time!

Lisa:Dad, you've done it dozens of times. You impersonated Mr. Burns last week and he didn't even recognize himself.

Homer:Tom Bosley was the best! He played Mr. Cunningham on Happy Days!

Lisa:Dad, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Krusty:See, a clown's pants gotta be baggy, oversized, ya know? That's the whole bit!

Homer:What do you mean? My pants fit me perfectly normal.

Krusty:Yeah, well that's 'cause you're shaped like a clown, ya mook!

Krusty:You know what's funny? Places with funny names. Like Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Dildo, Newfoundland. Boring, Oregon.

Student:What about Seattle?

Krusty:Yeah, Seattle's hilarious!

Krusty:See, the trick is you gotta warn the other clown, 'Hey, watch out, you're gonna look foolish!' But what's the point? He's a clown! He's supposed to look foolish! That's his whole gig!

Homer:Let's see here... [squints at paper] 'Homer enters stage left, trips over his feet, and falls into the bushes.' [looks up confused] Stage left? I don't see any stage. [looks around] And why would I trip over my own feet on purpose?

Homer:[reading] 'Homer's face turns red with embarrassment.' [feels his face] Huh, it IS getting warm. [fans himself] This is the worst instruction manual ever.

Krusty:You flunked clown college? What, you couldn't even make the basic pratfall?

Krusty:That's it! You're finished! Washed up! A has-been before you even had a 'been'!

Krusty:I'm taking away your big shoes, your red nose, your squeaky horn — everything!

Krusty:You'll never work in show business again! Not even as an usher at a puppet show!

Krusty:Look, these balloons are filled with the cheapest helium we can find. Sure, maybe one in fifty kids loses an eye, but that's a small price to pay for entertainment.

Homer:Loses an eye? That's terrible!

Krusty:Homer, Homer, Homer... we're talking about balloons here, not brain surgery. Besides, kids got two eyes!

Bart:Dad, you're the best bad father any kid could ask for.

Homer:Aww, thanks son!

Bart:Yeah, you're like the Michael Jordan of being a terrible dad. No one does it better.

Bart:Wow, Dad, great shot!

Homer:Thanks, boy. You know, I majored in bank shots in college.

Bart:Dad, you didn't go to college.

Homer:That's what makes it so impressive.

Krusty:You kids are going out into the world to do piddling crap.

Krusty:Here's your diploma! Oh wait, there's a slip of paper... 'Warning: diplomas may be made from cats.'

Homer:Graduation day! The happiest day of my life!

Bart:Hey Dad, shake my hand!

Homer:No way, kid. I know a joy buzzer when I see one.

Bart:Aw, come on!

Homer:I'm not falling for it. I'm too smart for your tricks.

Marge:Homer, just shake his hand.

Homer:Fine, but I'm prepared this time.

Bart:Thanks, Dad!

Homer:AHHHHHHHHH!

Homer:Whew! I dodged that one!

Homer:Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Homer:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our promotional event! *clears throat* – wait, that's a stage direction. Um, *adjusts tie nervously*. No, that's another one. Okay, let me just... *looks directly at audience*. Dang it!

Homer:Why you little!

Krusty Burglar:Whoa, whoa, easy there, pal. It's just a show.

Homer:A show?! You stole my wallet!

Krusty Burglar:That's part of the act, Homer.

Homer:The only act I know is my foot in your—

Manager:Sir, sir, please! You're scaring the children!

Homer:I'll show them what's scary. Come here, you!

Krusty the Clown:Help me! Help me! I'm being murdered!

Homer Simpson:Shut up, you're ruining the show!

Homer:It's a giraffe! No wait... it's a poodle! Actually, I have no idea what it is.

Child:It's beautiful. But is it a boy or a girl?

Homer:Well, that's entirely up to you, little guy. You can be whatever you want to be.

Milhouse:My father may work at a cracker factory, but it's an important job!

Bart:Important? Milhouse, he makes crackers.

Milhouse:Exactly! Do you know how many people depend on crackers?

Lisa:I think what Bart's trying to say is that factory work, while necessary, doesn't really have inherent prominence or prestige in society.

Milhouse:Well... yeah, but... my dad's still cool!

Homer:You know, working with children has really taught me something important about life.

Homer:They're all terrible.

Homer:Random celebrity name-drop with no context or purpose

Dick Cavett:I was just talking to Johnny Carson about this very thing.

Dick Cavett:Of course, I can't actually remember if it was Johnny or just someone who looked like Johnny.

Dick Cavett:But that's show business networking for you—half the time you're name-dropping people you may have never actually met.

Dick Cavett:You know, I once interviewed Groucho Marx.

Homer:Groucho Marx? If I ever meet that guy, I'll kill him!

Dick Cavett:But Homer, Groucho Marx is dead.

Homer:Then I'm too late.

Homer:Well, there's the physical dangers, like getting hit in the face with a pie, or stepping on a rake, or getting your big floppy shoes caught in a door...

Homer:And then there's the emotional toll of being a clown. People expect you to be funny all the time, even when you're sad inside.

Homer:Plus, elderly people admire you way too much. It's just as problematic as the other stuff.

Homer:I'm quitting the clown profession. It's not a job for clowns.

Comic Book Guy:Your credit card statement shows you've been a loyal customer. In fact, your pornography purchases have single-handedly kept this store in business.

Krusty:Hey, I'm a businessman!

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Porn. Ever.

Marge:Homer, I don't think this is ethical.

Homer:Marge, Marge, Marge... if something is hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick with what's easy and hope it works out.

Marge:But Homer, that doesn't make any sense.

Homer:Oh, a smart guy. Hey, everybody, we got a smart guy over here!

Krusty:So I'm watching the Globetrotters play the Washington Generals, right? I figure, how hard can it be? I put ten grand on the Generals.

Homer:You bet against the Globetrotters?

Krusty:Yeah, and I lost! Ten grand! Turns out those guys throw the game on purpose!

Bart:That's the whole point, Krusty. They're supposed to win.

Krusty:Well, nobody told me that! I thought the Generals were just having an off night!

Krusty:Why are they wastin' time with all those fancy dribbles? Just shoot the ball!

Krusty:C'mon, ya bums, play some defense! What are youse, a buncha girls?

Krusty:This is the worst game I ever seen. They're losin' on purpose!

Krusty:Those dirty Globetrotters! I lost fifty grand on that game!

Krusty:They said it was entertainment, not cheating. Entertainment? Spinning a ball on your finger while doing the splits is cheating!

Fat Tony:Listen, kid. You want to make it in this world? Sometimes you gotta do things that aren't exactly... how do I put this... legal. For instance, I've made a fortune robbing children.

Fat Tony:It's easy money. They don't fight back, they cry a lot, and nobody takes them seriously anyway.

Krusty:I'm in deep with the mob, the IRS, and my ex-wives. I owe money to guys who break kneecaps for a living.

Krusty:But you know what? I always say, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!'

Krusty the Clown:Hey, before you kill me, can I use the bathroom?

Legs:Yeah, sure.

Legs:Hey, while we're waiting, I gotta go too.

Mob Thug:So, uh, how should I do this hit?

Fat Tony:Listen to your heart, kid. When it comes to choosing a murder method, you gotta follow your intuition. Don't let anyone tell you different.

Car Salesman:These bullet holes? Oh, those are just... speed holes. They make the car go faster.

Homer:Wow, speed holes!

Car Salesman:Yes, by reducing the car's weight, the engine doesn't have to work as hard.

Homer:That makes sense. I'll take it!

Plastic Surgeon:The surgery was a complete success!

Krusty:A success? I look exactly the same!

Homer:Wow, Ned, you're okay! How did you survive that bullet?

Ned:Well, I was protected by the power of the Lord!

Homer:That's amazing! So God just... stopped the bullet?

Ned:Diddly-doodly! In fact, I've decided to increase my faith even more.

Ned:I'm wearing a larger cross now!

Homer:That's... nice, Ned.

Ned:And now I'm wearing an even bigger cross!

Ned:And now the entire front of my house is a massive crucifix!

Homer:Okay, that's getting a little ridiculous.

Homer:I'm not Homer Simpson! I'm Barney Gumble!

Barney:Hey, what are you doing?

Homer:Shh! Just go with it.

Don Vittorio:You know, Krusty, I'm gonna let you live. I may be a murderer, but I have respect for the arts.

Homer:Look, I can't do that bike trick. How about instead I... I'll ride my bike really slowly?

Homer:Or I could just... stand here and make motorcycle noises with my mouth?

Homer:Vroom vroom... vroom... *whimpers* ...this is as dangerous as it gets.

Homer:Woo-hoo! I'm a stunt driver! I'm going to do it again, but this time blindfolded!

Fat Tony:Wait a minute. There's two of you?

Krusty:No, no, you're seeing double.

Fat Tony:Oh! That explains it. Two times one is four.

Krusty:Alright Homer, on the count of three, we both jump and switch bikes mid-air. One... two...

Homer:Wait, switch bikes?

Krusty:THREE!

Homer:I thought you said THREE means GO, not jump!

Krusty:It DOES mean go, ya knucklehead!

Homer:Then why didn't you jump?

Krusty:I DID jump, YOU didn't!

Fat Tony:You know, I appreciate you guys. You're good people. Not like these other mugs who only care about themselves.

Fat Tony:I mean, let's face it - I'm a big fat mobster stereotype. But at least I got principles, you know?

Homer:Look, Fat Tony, you're not just some stereotype. You're a real person with depth and complexity.

Fat Tony:Homer, I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but let's be honest. I'm a mobster named Fat Tony. I live in a mansion, I have henchmen, and I talk like this. At a certain point, you gotta embrace who you are.

Homer:But—

Fat Tony:Besides, the stereotype thing? It's been very good to me.

Fat Tony:So, you owe me how much, exactly?

Krusty:Well, let me see here... *checks papers* ...forty-two dollars and thirty-seven cents.

Fat Tony:Forty-two dollars? That's it?

Krusty:Yeah, I know, I was surprised too.

Fat Tony:Well then, here you go. *hands over money politely* Always a pleasure doing business with you, Krusty.

Krusty:Thanks, Tony. Same time next week?

Fat Tony:You got it, pal.