Homers Phobia

Krusty:Why does everything have to be so complicated? I just wanted to do a simple pie gag.

Krusty:Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the most fantabulous show on television!

Bart:We're not watching TV because we don't want to see Mom and Dad every day.

Lisa:Yeah, we get enough of that already.

Bart:You can hug me when I'm dead.

Marge:I do that now.

Krusty:Thanks! You know, I had them specially made by a dentist in—

Krusty:Ah, forget about it! What do you care?

Krusty:My show's ratings just crashed and burned!

Roger:Yeah, and it looks like it left a real crater in the network's schedule.

Krusty:Who cares about critical acclaim? I make shows for the common man, not some fancy-pants critics. You know what my shows are? They're full of blingwads and zaniness and... uh... more blingwads!

Krusty:I'm gonna replace this show with something better!

Krusty:But honestly, I'm too lazy to actually do it.

Mel:Hey, I'm here about the museum donation...

Krusty:Mel! Perfect timing!

Mel:*sees Krusty covered in pie* Whoa! *immediately backs out*

Child:Why is the mirror making that noise?

Focus Group Leader:Oh, that's just the mirror settling. Mirrors do that sometimes when they're adjusting to the room temperature.

Child:But I can see a shadow moving behind it.

Focus Group Leader:That's simply a reflection of a reflection. Very common in mirrors made after 1987.

Focus Group Leader:Now children, we're going to show you some new Itchy & Scratchy cartoons. Using these dials, I want you to indicate how much you like what you're seeing. Simply keep your hand on the knob and adjust it based on your feelings.

Child:Even if we think it stinks?

Focus Group Leader:Especially then.

Child:We can say it stinks?

Focus Group Leader:Oh yes, we encourage it.

Child:Cool. It stinks.

Focus Group Leader:So let me get this straight. You're saying the show is too violent, but not violent enough?

Child 1:Yes.

Child 2:And it's too long, but also too short.

Focus Group Leader:But those things are mutually exclusive.

Child 3:Exactly! That's what makes it perfect!

Focus Group Leader:Brilliant! We'll greenlight it immediately!

Focus Group Leader:So let me get this straight. You kids loved the cereal, but you hated the box. You hated the cereal, but you loved the box. And you... you didn't have any feelings about either one?

Focus Group Leader:This is impossible! I've been doing this for twenty years and I've never seen such contradictory results! You know what? Forget it! You're all idiots! Every single one of you! Do you know how stupid you sound? This is why your generation is falling apart! You can't even agree on a stupid box of cereal!

Lisa:You know, this show has been on the air for so long, it's basically become a parody of itself.

Lisa:We've jumped every shark, visited every dimension, and had every possible guest star.

Lisa:At this point, the only way to make it fresh would be to actually end it.

Mr. Burns:Excellent work, Lisa. You've saved the show.

Smithers:Sir, shouldn't we give her proper credit?

Mr. Burns:Credit? Smithers, get our lawyers. We need to bury this faster than a Chinese factory scandal.

Overly pretentious academic language for simple cartoon

Network Executive:Artistic concerns? Look, we've done focus groups. People want more explosions, more catchphrases, and a talking dog.

Network Executive:In fact, we're thinking of replacing Homer with a wisecracking chimpanzee. His name is Chad. Chad the Chimp.

Network Executive:And Marge? We're making her a vampire. Vampires are hot right now.

Network Executive:Bart can stay, but only if he solves crimes. Crime-solving kids, that's gold.

Network Executive:Look, we need to make this dog thing more relatable to the kids. We're talking Cerberus vibes, but like, make it fetch, you know? That's totally fire and based.

Roger:Sir, that's not... those words don't go together.

Network Executive:No cap, no cap. This is peak mythological content. We'll have it slay on TikTok. That's the goal post, Roger. Move it.

Network Executive:What if we call the show 'Spit Take'?

Writer 1:That's... that's terrible.

Writer 2:Yeah, nobody's going to watch that.

Network Executive:But think about it — every time someone hears the name, they'll spit take!

Writer 1:That's not how that works.

Writer 2:...We'll do it.

Network Executive:This character design lacks attitude.

Artist:What do you mean? I added sunglasses.

Network Executive:That's not attitude, that's just...sunglasses.

Artist:Well, what else is attitude?

Network Executive:I...I don't know. But more sunglasses.

Artist:Well, I could reduce the cultural appropriation by about 15%...

Artist:Maybe 20% if I remove the bamboo hat and add some generic facial hair.

Artist:I could probably get it down to 5% if I just make them all white.

Homer:Pass the salt, Roy.

Marge:Roy, would you like some orange juice?

Bart:Hey Roy, nice shorts.

Lisa:Roy has always been part of our family.

Roy:Thanks for making me feel at home.

Lisa:Dad, you should audition for voice work. You have a very distinctive voice.

Homer:Voice work? Psh! I don't need to do that. Besides, I only listen to the good stuff — sea shanties and polka.

Homer:Why does my voice have to be so hilarious? I'm trying to get serious comedy work!

Casting Director:So you want to be the voice of a cartoon dog?

Homer:Yeah, how hard can it be? I've been living with a dog for years.

Casting Director:Well, the dog talks.

Homer:Talks? That's ridiculous! Next you'll tell me there's a cartoon family that's yellow and talks!

Director:Homer, that was a beautiful reading.

Director:You've captured the essence of a man ordering a donut.

Director:In fact, I'd say you've redefined what it means to be human.

Director:Your performance transcends the written word, nay, the very concept of performance itself.

Director:I believe you may have accidentally created a new art form that will replace all existing ones.

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such cartoons as 'The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show,' 'Professor Frink's Laboratory of Tomorrow,' and 'The Adventures of Bazinga the Wonder Dog.'

Director:You don't have the attitude we're looking for.

Homer:What?! Are you saying I'm not angry enough?!

Director:Exactly. We need someone with real attitude.

Homer:You know what? That makes me SO MAD! You're a jerk! This is the worst rejection ever!

Director:Wait... that's perfect! That's exactly the attitude we need! You're hired!

Homer:Oh boy, a job! Finally, someone believes in me!

Boss:We need someone with your... passion and directness.

Homer:You won't regret this, sir. I'm gonna work real hard and—actually, no I'm not.

Homer:Sally sells seashells by the seashore.

Homer:Wait, you're a woman? But you do the voice of Chief Wiggum!

June Bellamy:That's right. And I can do other voices too.

June Bellamy:Hey there, handsome... in Marge's voice: Mmm, Homer...

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Homer:Is this episode live?

Director:No, it's not live. It's impossible to do a live cartoon. We'd have to pay the animators twenty-seven dollars an hour!

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Question. Ever.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Episode. Ever. In Season 4, Episode 7, Marge's pearls are clearly visible in the establishing shot, yet in the subsequent scene they're absent. This continuity error is absolutely unforgivable.

Comic Book Guy:The animation department should be banished to the shadow realm, their artwork burned, and their names stricken from all records of television history.

Homer:Oh, a comic book guy! You know, if brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.

Comic Book Guy:Ah, a philistine! Your observations betray a shocking lack of comic book acumen.

Homer:Yeah, well at least I have a life outside my parents' basement.

Comic Book Guy:Your scientific knowledge is as flawed as your fashion sense.

Homer:Yeah? Well, your mom!

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Comeback. Ever.

Fan:Hey Homer, what did you think of the water level in Sonic 2?

Homer:Water level? I didn't even know Sonic could swim.

Fan:It's one of the most infamous levels in gaming history!

Homer:Look, kid, the only level I care about is the level of beer in my glass.

Fan:Mr. Simpson, what do you think happens after you die?

Homer:Well, I dunno. Maybe you get reincarnated as a hot dog?

Voice Actor:Thank God, finally someone to take the heat off me.

Security Guard:No touching, no asking for autographs, and no asking him to do the Bartman.

Homer:D'oh!

Fan:Could you sign this for me?

Homer:Sure, pal.

Fan:And this one too? It's for my friend who has the same name as you but is a different person.

Homer:That doesn't make any sense.

Fan:Also, my car needs your signature to run, and my dog ate my homework, which had your autograph on it, so I need another one.

Homer:Beat it, pal.

Blind Man:Is this seat taken?

Bart:No.

Blind Man:Well, thank you, kindly.

Announcer:We now return to a special presentation of the greatest moments in television history. From the moon landing to the fall of the Berlin Wall, from the first heart transplant to the end of the Cold War...

Announcer:But first, Bart Simpson's report card!

Bart:Are you blind?

Blind Man:Yes.

Bart:Oh, that explains it.

Itchy:This new character is... synergistic! We're really leveraging his core competencies to maximize our quarterly metrics and drill down on key performance indicators.

Scratchy:You okay, Itchy?

Itchy:I want to die.

Poochie:Yo, yo, yo! What's up, dudes? I'm Poochie. I'm a rockin' dog from outer space. I'm 20 paws of lovin', I'm all about the jam and the jive. I've got more attitude than a cool dude should have. Catch you on the flip side, man!

Milhouse:When does Poochie show up?

Bart:He's the one talking.

Milhouse:Oh, I thought he'd be cooler.

Poochie:I'm outta here! It's been fun, dudes, but Poochie's gotta jet back to the... radical beyond! Not!

Poochie:Hey kids, remember to recycle and protect the environment!

Poochie:And always stay radical!

Bart:Ay caramba! That's the worst thing I've ever seen!

Homer:Yeah, even I can tell it sucks!

Grandpa:That was a great performance, boy! You really knocked it out of the park in Seinfeld!

Homer:Dad, that's not even the right show!

Grandpa:Well, I wasn't really paying attention. I was thinking about my stories.

Homer:Kids, dinner's ready!

Bart:Actually, Dad, we're not hungry.

Lisa:Yeah, we'd rather just go to bed.

Marge:But I made your favorite casserole...

Homer:More for me then!

Homer:Did you like the show?

Marge:It was... something.

Marge (internal voice):Dear God, that was the worst thing I've ever seen. I'd rather watch paint dry. Actually, I'd rather watch Homer try to fix the sink.

Lisa:You see, Poochie failed because he was a bandaid solution to a problem that required actual creativity and effort.

Lisa:The writers thought adding an edgy new character would save the show, but what the audience really wanted was better writing, not more characters.

Lisa:Much like how this very episode uses meta-commentary as a substitute for having an actual plot.

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Homer:Don't mind if I do. Shorts are a key synergy item in today's paradigm shift.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Episode. Ever.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Episode. Ever.

Comic Book Guy:I'm taking my complaints to the internet where they'll be read by dozens!

Comic Book Guy:This show owes me money for all the years of free entertainment!

Homer:If it's free, how can we owe you money?

Homer:But that doesn't make any sense!

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Argument. Ever.

Kent Brockman:I'm not one to gloat, but I did call that one. And I quote: 'That dog won't hunt.' Well, it didn't!

Network Executive:The key to a *really* successful show is an identifiable element which you can exploit for merchandise.

Network Executive:You see, Poochie's problem is he's not a ready-made hero; so, by and large, the viewers don't like 'em.

Homer:You know what this show needs? More time travel episodes.

Homer:And every episode should have at least 15 references to donuts.

Homer:Oh! And we should bring back every character that ever died, but make them zombies.

Homer:Also, I should be shirtless in every scene. It's what the people want.

Homer:And the whole show should just be me eating and napping for 22 minutes. Pure gold!

Marge:You writers are like a bunch of... of... *stretches neck* ...giraffes! Yeah, that's right—tall, awkward, and you're all sticking your necks out where they don't belong!

Roy:Homer, I'm here to support you. I know this is hard, but we're all in this together.

Homer:Get out.

Director:Here's Poochie's death scene. Poochie, you look tired.

Homer:Tired? I'm not tired.

Director:It says here you die. 'Poochie, I'm glad I met you before I died. You taught me the secret of life. Now I'm going back to my home planet.'

Homer:Wait, I gotta die? What kind of joke is that? I'm not reading that. That's stupid.

Homer:Poochie has street appeal. He's got that fresh, urban flavor that today's pre-teens crave. We're talking about a totally in-touch, happening guy. He's got a skateboard. And radical shorts.

Homer:Poochie's like the MTV of dogs. The MTV of dogs!

Poochie:Uh, I'm gonna come back now because it was requested in the e-mails. And my contract says I have to be proactive, not reactive. So I'm proactively appearing before you today to say: I'm sorry for my existence. I know I'm a bad character. I'm gonna take a long walk off a short dock.

Homer:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Poochie, you're not gonna go anywhere and leave your best friend Homer Simpson hanging, right buddy?

Poochie:I'm Poochie! The rockin' dog from the mean streets! I dig rap! I dig punk! I dig Shakespeare! I'm a totally outrageous dude! Stay cool, baby!

Homer:Puh-lease!

Poochie:I'm not just some radical dude. I have feelings, man. Real feelings. And I care about you guys.

Homer:Aww, look at him. He's actually being sincere.

Homer:I'm gonna say some heartfelt words...

Poochie:Yo yo yo, I'm gonna get jiggy with it! The red one tastes like sunshine!

Krusty:What the—? Where's Homer's voice?

Director:We recast him. Poochie's an alien now, so he has an alien voice.

Homer:Wait a minute. What am I doing here? I'm the one who should be getting all the laughs!

Homer:They cut me out! They cut me out of my own scene!

Homer:Why you little!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Krusty:Listen here, I'm signing a legal document to prevent my character from being resurrected.

Krusty:I've seen what happens in cartoons — you die, you come back, you die again. It's exhausting!

Krusty:So I'm making it official: when Krusty the Clown goes, he stays gone. No last-minute saves, no miraculous recoveries.

Krusty:I want a real funeral, a real casket, and a real tombstone that says 'Here lies Krusty — and this time he means it.'

Homer:You know, I've learned a lot in my life. But there are two things I'm really good at: making mistakes and not learning from them.

Lisa:I'm so glad they're returning to the classic format of The Simpsons.

Bart:Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Bart:*changes channel*

Lisa:Itchy and Scratchy have been on the air for over 40 years. That's remarkable longevity for a cartoon.

Bart:Yeah, yeah, that's great. Can we change the channel now?