Lady Bouviers Lover

Homer:D'oh!

Sideshow Bob:But Mr. Krusty, I must object! This is beneath my dignity as a performer!

Krusty:Ah, quit yer bellyachin' and get back out there!

Homer:Happy birthday, Maggie! Or is it Marge's birthday? Wait, whose birthday is it again?

Marge:Homer, it's Maggie's birthday. You've been frosting her cake for the last hour.

Homer:Oh yeah, right. Happy birthday, Maggie! Or Maggie? Magina? Whatever.

Marge:Homer, you destroyed Maggie's birthday cake!

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:Don't worry, I made a separate cake specifically for you to destroy.

Grampa Simpson:Well, hello everyone! Happy birthday, Maggie! Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie... and... oh, Homer's here too.

Marge:Well, we're waiting for the other babies to arrive.

Marge:You know how they can be – so cliquish.

Grampa Simpson:Back in my day, we didn't need fancy doctors for babies. A little leeches on the gums, some mercury tonic, and a good bloodletting would clear right up whatever ailed 'em. Worked every time!

Jacqueline Bouvier:You should apply leeches to draw out the bad humors.

Grampa Simpson:Leeches? That's nothing. I'm gonna saw off my leg, pour hot tar on the stump, and sneeze into a jar of mayonnaise.

Jacqueline Bouvier:That's ridiculous.

Grampa Simpson:You're right. I should also drink my own bathwater and have a barber drill a hole in my skull to let the sickness out.

Grampa Simpson:Back in my day, we used Smeckler's Powder for everything.

Jacqueline Bouvier:Smeckler's Powder? I've never heard of it.

Grampa Simpson:Of course you haven't. They discontinued it. Probably because of the asbestos.

Jacqueline Bouvier:Asbestos? That's terrible!

Grampa Simpson:Terrible? It cured everything! Headaches, heartburn, open sores...

Jacqueline Bouvier:That doesn't sound safe at all.

Grampa Simpson:Safe? Lady, we didn't have the word 'safe' back then. We just had 'dead' and 'not dead yet.'

Grampa Simpson:That's a real humdinger!

Lisa:Oh no, not the hot dog song.

Bart:Oh yes. 'Hot dogs, armour hot dogs...'

Lisa:Bart, we're not doing this.

Bart:Come on, sing it with me! 'Frankly, they'd have us all day if we let 'em!'

Lisa:I can't believe we used to perform this commercial jingle for our parents.

Homer:That's it! We don't know any songs anymore, just advertising jingles!

Marge:That's not true, Homer. We know lots of songs.

Homer:Name one!

Bart:The Meow Mix song!

Lisa:Plop plop, fizz fizz...

Maggie:*sucks pacifier to the tune of the Simpsons theme*

Jacqueline:Why does everything have to be a jingle? Can't you just enjoy music for music's sake, without it being about selling something?

Homer:You're right, you're right. Here, I'll sing you a song with no commercial purpose whatsoever. *clears throat* 'See my vest, see my vest, made of real gorilla chest...'

Jacqueline:Homer, that's a jingle for your vest made of gorilla fur.

Homer:Oh. Well, how about this one? 'Duff beer for me, Duff beer for you, I'll have a Duff, you'll have one too!'

Grampa Simpson:We better hurry or we'll miss Matlock.

Jacqueline:We might not live to see the next one.

Marge:Both of your parents seem so lonely.

Homer:So? We're not lonely. We got each other.

Marge:Homer, why don't you spend time with some elderly people? It would be good for you.

Homer:Elderly people? Marge, they're just walking research experiments. We should be extracting their nutrients before they expire. It's called efficiency.

Homer:You know, we should just put all the old people on an ice floe and let them drift away.

Marge:Homer! That's terrible!

Homer:What? I read it in this pamphlet.

Homer:It had some really good ideas.

Marge:Let me see that.

Marge:Homer, this is from the 'Kill All Oldsters Party'!

Homer:Hello, Marge's mother! Let me help you with your bags.

Unknown Woman:I think you have me confused with someone else.

Homer:No, no, I'd recognize that... unique smell anywhere. Come on, let's go home.

Jacqueline Bouvier:Those poor telemarketers, working such long hours for so little pay. I always make sure to stay on the line as long as possible so they can meet their quotas.

Marge Simpson:Mom, that's exactly what they want you to do.

Jacqueline Bouvier:Well of course, dear. And I always give them my credit card number right away so they don't have to keep asking. I'm very efficient.

Jacqueline Bouvier:Her loneliness makes her vulnerable to any human contact

Jacqueline Bouvier:Oh, and here's one from my wild days.

Grampa Simpson:My word! Is that a mugshot?

Jacqueline Bouvier:Yes, but I was acquitted... mostly.

Grampa Simpson:So who were your friends back in your wild youth?

Jacqueline Bouvier:Oh, I ran around with Sylvia Plath, Marilyn Monroe, and Judy Garland.

Grampa Simpson:Wow, famous women known for tragic mental health issues and early deaths!

Grampa Simpson:Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm thinking of something, and it involves you.

Grampa Simpson:Your eyes are like... uh... shiny things. And your hair smells like... hair products?

Grampa Simpson:I love you more than I love... waffles? No wait, I definitely love waffles more. But you're a close second!

Grampa Simpson:Let's grow old together, assuming I'm not already dead. Am I moving? I can't feel my legs.

Grampa Simpson:I feel funny... is this love?

Marge Simpson:Dad, you're having a heart attack!

Grampa Simpson:No, no, it's gotta be love. I'm too old to have a heart attack.

Homer Simpson:Dad, you had one last Tuesday.

Grampa Simpson:That was love too!

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such films as 'Pukahontas' and 'The Eraser: Part II'.

Troy McClure:But today I'm here to talk about my new picture: 'The President's Neck is Missing'.

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such educational videos as 'Reaching Out to Generation X.' Well, I've been reading about you kids and your 'radical' attitudes. So I picked up a skateboard, some baggy pants, and I'm ready to get jiggy with it!

Homer:Yeah, I'd like to order some stuff. My credit card number is... uh... let me find it.

Homer:Okay, here we go: 4539... 2847... 0... uhh... 6.

Operator:Sir, that's not a valid credit card number.

Homer:Well, how about this one: 'The Squishy Master 3000.'

Homer:Or my 'All You Can Eat Pass' from the Frying Dutchman.

Homer:Ooh, ooh! I got a Blockbuster Video card!

Operator:Sir, please—

Homer:How about my 'Frequent Buyer' card from Krusty Burger? I only need one more donut to get a free... wait, that's at Lard Lad.

Homer:It's Vyza, not Visa.

Homer:These dang dentures keep me from pronouncing it right.

Other Character:Homer, you don't have dentures.

Homer:That's what makes it even worse!

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Yeah, and eat my shorts!

Homer:Dad, you can't marry her. Look at her! She's got two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. It's like something out of a nightmare!

Grampa Simpson:Tell your mother I love her.

Marge:Dad, why don't you tell her yourself?

Grampa Simpson:I'm too shy. You tell her.

Marge:Okay, okay. Mom? Dad says he loves ya.

Jacqueline Bouvier:Well, tell him I love ya too.

Marge:She says she loves ya too, Dad.

Grampa Simpson:Well tell her I love her more.

Marge:I love ya more, Mom!

Jacqueline Bouvier:I love you more, Marge!

Grampa:I love ya!

Jacqueline:What?

Grampa:I love ya... times three! And Marge, I love ya times two!

Marge:Dad, what are you talking about?

Grampa:It's math, woman! Nothing weird about it!

Lisa:This animation cel is absolutely pristine! Do you know what this is worth?

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Investment. Ever.

Lisa:What? But it's a genuine piece of animation history!

Comic Book Guy:It's worth approximately... three dollars.

Lisa:How much did you pay for that worthless cel?

Homer:Three thousand dollars.

Lisa:THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS?!

Grampa Simpson:I'm gonna kiss her so hard, it'll be like a horse eatin' a bucket of oats!

Homer:♪ When you see a lady that you like, don't be shy ♪

Homer:♪ Walk right up and look her in the eye ♪

Homer:♪ Compliment her shoes, or her hat ♪

Homer:♪ Say something nice, leave it at that ♪

Grampa:♪ Oh, I never knew that's what I should do ♪

Grampa:♪ I was too busy being me, not being true ♪

Grampa:♪ But now I understand, thanks to my son ♪

Grampa:♪ I'm gonna try these moves on every single one ♪

Comic Book Guy:Well, you see, a valuable animation cel is one that was used in the show, hand-painted, and signed by the animator. A worthless one is... well, that one you bought.

Homer:But the guy said it was from the first episode!

Comic Book Guy:Yes, well, he also said it would increase in value. Worst. Purchase. Ever.

Bart:Is there any value to this worthless cel?

Comic Book Guy:Well, I could offer you this novelty phone shaped like an obscure comic character.

Bart:That's it?

Comic Book Guy:It's shaped like Radioactive Man's lesser-known sidekick, Fallout Boy. Collectors would kill for this.

Grampa Simpson:Hey! I was dancing with her!

Mr. Burns:Yes, well, now you're not.

Grampa Simpson:Why you... I'll have you know I'm a very good dancer!

Grampa Simpson:Why you...

Grampa Simpson:I'm gonna give you such a pinch!

Jacqueline Bouvier:You're the devil himself!

Mr. Burns:Why yes, I— I mean, no! Certainly not.

Mr. Burns:I'm merely a humble industrialist devoted to the betterment of Springfield and the happiness of my employees.

Grampa Simpson:Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha! Ha-cha-cha!

Lawyer:Cease and desist! You are in violation of the Jimmy Durante Estate's intellectual property rights.

Grampa Simpson:But I'm just doing an impression!

Lawyer:That'll be $10,000 in damages, plus court fees.

Grampa Simpson:So I can just die in the street?

Lawyer:Oh yes, that would be fine.

Mr. Burns:How many women have said no to me?

Smithers:Well, sir, I'd have to say... all of them.

Mr. Burns:Ah, but I always get my way in the end. You see, I simply reveal my wealth, and they come crawling back.

Smithers:Oh yes, sir, you're absolutely head over heels in love.

Mr. Burns:Yes! I shall build a 90-foot statue of her in the town square!

Smithers:Sir, I was being sarcastic.

Mr. Burns:Too late! I've already ordered the marble!

Burns:Smithers, you're fired.

Smithers:Yes, sir. Very droll.

Burns:Oh, so you think that's funny, do you? Well, I'm going to tell the Mayor you're a communist.

Burns:And then I'll call the Governor and tell him you're a murderer.

Burns:Then I'll phone the President and tell him you're... well, I'll think of something.

Mr. Burns:I'm feeling generous today. Any couple in love may leave early.

Lenny:Come on, Homer!

Homer:I love you, Lenny!

Carl:Me too, Homer!

Smithers:Well sir, I didn't write it for you. I wrote it for myself... to you.

Burns:What?!

Homer:Mr. Burns! Come in, come in! Can I get you anything? A drink? Some food?

Mr. Burns:No thank you, Simpson. I'm just here to discuss your performance at the plant.

Homer:Well, you know, Mr. Burns, you and Mrs. Burns are like the Flintstones!

Mr. Burns:The Flintstones? How dare you compare me to that common cartoon rabble!

Homer:No, no, it's a compliment! You're wealthy and powerful, just like Fred and Barney... except you're old and rich and they're young and poor.

Burns:Ah, Simpson. You know, I've always fancied myself a man of the people. Why, just this morning I was watching that delightful cartoon... what is it called? The Flintstones?

Homer:Yabba-dabba-doo!

Burns:Yes, yes, quite amusing. Say, wouldn't you like to join me for a spot of—

Homer:Wilma! Get me another bronto-burger!

Homer:Mom, I'm really happy you're happy. That's what matters.

Marge:That's sweet, Homer.

Homer:Yeah, because money is the root of all... happiness. Wait, no. Happiness is the root of all money? Ugh, I'm just gonna say it: you make me money, Mom.

Bart:Mr. Burns, I've been thinking about your safety. You know, for someone your age, you're in pretty good shape.

Mr. Burns:Why thank you, boy. That's very kind of you to say.

Bart:Yeah, well, I was thinking maybe I could be your personal safety consultant. You know, make sure nothing bad happens to you.

Mr. Burns:Excellent idea! You're hired!

Bart:Cool. My first recommendation is that you change your will to make me your sole heir.

Mr. Burns:Get out of my office, boy.

Bart:Oh yeah? Well, I've got ketchup, mustard, and relish. That'll be fifty bucks.

Mr. Burns:Condiments? You're holding me up with condiments?

Bart:You heard me, old man. Fifty bucks or you're gonna look like a hot dog.

Bart:Give me money or I'll shoot you with my condiment gun!

Mr. Burns:A condiment gun? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Get out!

Bart:Fine! But I'm taking exactly $5,000 - the amount my dad blew on donuts last month!

Bart:Back off, Burns! I've got condiment guns!

Mr. Burns:Condiment guns? You think you can threaten me with... *adjusts monocle* ...mustard and relish? I've faced down union organizers, government regulators, and my own mortality. Release the hounds!

Bart:Whoa, whoa! I'm just messing with you!

Mr. Burns:Too late, Simpson. Guards, call in the National Guard. We're treating this as a Level 5 condiment emergency.

Bart:You know, Mr. Burns, you're not a bad guy. You're just a guy who does bad things. But now you've paid up, and that makes you... well, still pretty bad, actually. But at least you're bad with money now instead of just bad with people. Wait, no, you're still bad with people. Aw man, I'm not good at villain monologues.

Homer:I'm going to spend it on something equally useless.

Phone caller:Hey Bart, want to come over and play?

Bart:Sure, what do you want to do?

Phone caller:Well, my dad just brought home a defibrillator from the hospital. We could use it to shock each other!

Bart:Uh, I think I'll pass on that one.

Marge:But Mr. Burns is evil!

Jacqueline Bouvier:Evil, Marge? Who cares about evil when he's so rich?

Marge:Mr. Burns, Grampa Simpson is a good man. He's honest, hardworking, and decent.

Mr. Burns:Decent? Why, he's no better than that fellow... what's his name... David Caruso.

Marge:David Caruso? He's a wonderful actor!

Mr. Burns:Exactly my point.

Grampa Simpson:Well, what do we have here? A rubber... something. Must be a new kind of balloon!

Grampa Simpson:I'll inflate it and use it to keep my dentures fresh!

Wedding Guest:Excuse me, you're blocking my view of the ceremony.

German Person:Nein! I vas here first!

Homer:He sent his gas bill payment instead of RSVP

Mr. Burns:Now, where was I? Oh yes, Deuteronomy, Chapter 3, Verse... uh... 6. 'And Balaam said unto the ass...' Skip ahead! Skip ahead! This is taking forever! I don't have all day. Move it along!

Reverend Lovejoy:But sir, we're only on the Old Testament...

Mr. Burns:I said SKIP AHEAD! And what's with all these unpronounceable names? Methuselah? Jehoshaphat? This better wrap up in the next five minutes or I'm cutting the check!

Mr. Burns:Well? Don't just stand there, boy. Put the ring on my finger or I'll have you crushed into a fine powder and mixed into my cereal.

Ring Bearer:But sir, I'm only five...

Mr. Burns:Your age is irrelevant to me. Now move, before I decide to make you into a throw pillow.

Grampa Simpson:Jacqueline! I came here to tell you that I love you! Run away with me!

Jacqueline Bouvier:Grampa, no. I'm marrying Richard.

Grampa Simpson:But Jacqueline, we had something special!

Jacqueline Bouvier:That was a long time ago. And frankly, I've moved on from both of you. Richard, I'm calling off this wedding.

Richard:What?!

Jacqueline Bouvier:I'm leaving. Alone.

Grampa Simpson:Well, that's fine by me! More time for me to spend with my stories and my oatmeal!

Paul Anka:You're the man who has everything except for a life, Grampa Simpson. You're a bore, a kook, a creep. Your life stinks. You should be dead.

Grampa Simpson:It's her voice, you see. So smooth, so sultry... reminds me of the phonographs they had back in the day. You know, those Edison cylinder phonographs with the wax cylinders, recorded at 160 RPM, with the morning glory horn speaker that could project sound up to 15 feet without any electrical amplification whatsoever. And the diaphragm! Oh, the diaphragm was made of mica or sometimes glass, vibrating against a stylus made of sapphire or steel depending on the groove width of the cylinder itself...