Burns Heir

Homer Simpson:D'oh!

Homer:My job is so boring, I fall asleep at my desk every day.

Homer:I wish something exciting would happen for once.

News Anchor:We interrupt this program to announce that Homer Simpson has won the lottery!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Homer:Woo-hoo! I won! I won! What's my prize?

Announcer:You've won an all-expense paid trip to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant to personally clean the cooling towers!

Homer:D'oh! Wait... the power plant? Woo-hoo! That's where I work! I love that place!

Homer:This is the best day of my life! I get to spend the whole day cleaning radioactive sludge!

Homer:Well, sure the job stinks, but I'm doing it for my family. Plus, Mr. Burns depends on me. I'm an important part of the nuclear power plant.

Burns:Smithers, this sponge is a rhombus. I specifically requested a parallelogram.

Smithers:Right away, sir. I'll fetch the parallelogram sponge.

Mr. Burns:Help! I'm drowning!

Smithers:Sir, you're in a bath.

Mr. Burns:A bath can be a death trap, Smithers!

Mr. Burns:You're fired! Now dance!

Burns:You know, I've been thinking about the environment. We need to protect our forests and waterways.

Environmental Activist:Finally! A man of reason! Will you help us stop the toxic dumping?

Burns:Of course! In fact, I'm shutting down my nuclear plant immediately.

Environmental Activist:Excellent! You're a true hero!

Burns:Yes, I'm shutting it down... and replacing it with a toxic waste facility three times larger. Smithers, release the hounds!

Mr. Burns:You know, I've been thinking about our little environmental chat, and I realized I may have been misleading you.

Mr. Burns:You see, tobacco is completely harmless. I've been smoking it for decades, and I'm in perfect health!

Smithers:Mr. Burns! Oh no, you're not... you can't be...

Smithers:What a good man. What a young man.

Burns:I have no heir because I'm unable to reproduce. You see, my testicles are so withered and diminished that they're practically vestigial. And my penis, well, it hasn't worked since the Eisenhower administration.

Burns:Smithers, as a reward for your unwavering loyalty, I'm going to bury you alive.

Smithers:Oh, thank you sir. That's very kind of you.

Mr. Burns:My vast fortune is unimaginable.

Mr. Burns:My vast estate spans three counties.

Mr. Burns:My vast collection of priceless art is worth more than your entire town.

Mr. Burns:My vast influence reaches into every corner of this state.

Burns:♪ Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby... ♪

Narrator:A powerful billionaire, reduced to performing a cheesy movie theater jingle.

Martin:Mr. Burns, sir, I've always admired you. Your cruel indifference to human suffering, your neck wattles... I love you.

Burns:Good Lord, man! Get away from me! You're like a baby seal at a club convention!

Martin:But sir, I can change! I can be less likable!

Nelson:Hey old man, I'm gonna pound you!

Mr. Burns:Excellent. That sort of aggressive initiative is exactly what I look for in my employees. You're hired.

Nelson:What? No, I was gonna—

Mr. Burns:Smithers, draw up the paperwork. This young man has spunk.

Feminist Character:Mr. Burns, women deserve equal pay for equal work. It's a matter of basic fairness and economic justice.

Burns:Equal pay? Bah! I don't understand a word of what you just said, but I'm sure it's all nonsense. Women belong in the home, where they can properly serve their husbands and raise children. That's the natural order of things.

Lisa:Well, actually, if we examine the patriarchal structures that...

Homer:Shut up, Lisa.

Lisa:...I suppose that's a fair point.

Bart:I'm not auditioning for the school play.

Homer:Why not, boy?

Bart:Because I'll probably just start it and then abandon it, like that fire I started.

Marge:Oh, look at my Bart, all grown up and successful...

Lee Majors:Hello, Marge. I'm Lee Majors.

Marge:Oh my!

Lee Majors:Come away with me.

Marge:But what about Bart?

Lee Majors:We have the technology. We can rebuild him.

Bart:Dad, this script is terrible. It's all broken English.

Homer:What you mean 'terrible'? I write perfect. Mr. Burns, he gonna love it.

Bart:Homer, you can't even speak English right.

Homer:Me speak English good. You shut up.

Bart:Dad, you're script has a lot of mistakes in it.

Homer:No it don't.

Homer:Woo-hoo! Mechanical boot!

Homer:Kids, I want to talk to you about failure. You see, when I was your age, I failed at everything I tried.

Homer:But I didn't let that stop me. I just kept failing until nobody expected anything from me anymore.

Homer:And that's when I truly became free. So remember: if at first you don't succeed, give up. There's no point in trying.

Homer:Now if you'll excuse me, all this parenting has made me thirsty.

Mr. Burns:I'm thinking of leaving my fortune to the Egg Advisory Council.

Smithers:Sir, that's very generous.

Mr. Burns:Yes, well, eggs have done so much for me. But I'm concerned about their public image. People think eggs are high in cholesterol.

Smithers:Perhaps a charitable campaign, sir?

Mr. Burns:Exactly! We'll tell people eggs are nutritious, delicious, and... they come from chickens, for God's sake!

Burns:What ho! A petrified bird!

Smithers:Actually sir, that's just a rock.

Burns:Nonsense, Smithers. I know a petrified bird when I see one. Have it sent to the lab for analysis.

Smithers:Yes, sir.

Burns:Smithers, look at that boy breaking windows. Such raw talent for destruction. I must take him under my wing.

Smithers:Sir, perhaps that's not advisable—

Burns:Nonsense! I shall mold him, nurture him, be a mother to his wickedness. We'll be like a hen and her evil chick, huddled together in the dark coop of villainy.

Burns:What day is this?

Random Kid:Why, it's Christmas Day!

Burns:No, no, I meant you, Simpson boy. What day is this?

Bart:Uh, Monday?

Homer:Alright boy, I want you to go air out Mr. Burns' mansion.

Bart:Why? Is he dead?

Homer:Not yet. But I like to be prepared.

Bart:Dad, he's only like fifty.

Homer:Fifty?! That's ancient! He could go any minute now!

Homer:Look at the old guy. One push and he'd tumble right down those stairs.

Marge:Homer! I was thinking we could gently suggest he install a handrail.

Lisa:Why does Bart get all the attention? Nobody cares what I think.

Lisa:You know what? I'm going to stalk the Chef Boyardee mascot. At least he'll listen to me.

Burns:Greetings, young man. I hear you youngsters enjoy the 'booger man' and saying 'dude' to one another.

Bart:Uh, Mr. Burns, nobody says that.

Burns:Nonsense! I am hip to the times. Now let us engage in some radical bonding, dude. Perhaps we can discuss the booger man?

Mr. Burns:I'll just ring for the maid.

Mr. Burns:What the—?

Bart:Uh, Mr. Burns? You just activated the trapdoor. You might want to step back.

Mr. Burns:Trapdoor? What trapdoor? There's no trapdoor in my—

Burns:Here, boy. Have some gelatin.

Bart:Uh, thanks, Mr. Burns.

Burns:You know, it's made from the boiled bones and hooves of dead animals.

Bart:Ew!

Krusty:Hey kid, you want pizza delivered by Krusty the Clown?

Bart:Yeah!

Krusty:That'll be fifty bucks. Cash only.

Bart:Wait, Krusty, shouldn't you be doing your show right now?

Krusty:Ah, the show? It's on a tape loop from 1987. The audience doesn't know the difference, and frankly, neither do I.

Kent Brockman:Good evening. We interrupt Krusty the Clown for this special report. British forces have invaded the Falkland Islands.

Kent Brockman:Argentine soldiers are scrambling to defend their position. Here's a fun fact for the kiddies: a single Exocet missile can level an entire city block!

Kent Brockman:Back to you, Krusty!

Burns:I got the idea for my surveillance system from a delightful romp I saw at the cinema. A voyeurism thriller about a man who watches women through their windows.

Chief Wiggum:You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here.

Chief Wiggum:Who the hell else you think you're talkin' to? Oh, yeah? You best watch it, pal.

Chief Wiggum:I'm gonna bust you up. Ah, forget about it.

Mr. Burns:I've been watching Homer through the surveillance cameras. He leaves work at 5 PM, arrives home at 5:15. Then at 6 PM he's back at work. The man's commute is only 15 minutes, yet he spends an hour away. I can only conclude... he's traveling to Europe.

Bart:Mr. Burns has a solid gold toilet, a moat filled with sharks, a dungeon with torture devices, and a room where he breeds man-eating tigers.

Homer:Wow, a solid gold toilet? That's amazing!

Bart:Yeah, and the sharks have frickin' laser beams attached to their heads.

Homer:Cool! What else?

Bart:And the tiger room has a trapdoor that opens up to a pit of alligators wearing tiny hats.

Homer:Tiny hats?

Bart:Yeah, and at the bottom of the pit is a self-destruct button that destroys the entire mansion.

Homer:Why would Mr. Burns have that?

Bart:I dunno. I guess in case he ever gets tired of living.

Lisa:Bart, that's physically impossible. You can't have a bottomless pit.

Bart:Whatever, man. I'm not interested in your nerd facts.

Bart:Well, Mr. Burns throws money around like it's nothing, so I figured I could throw a few peas.

Smithers:But sir, that's hardly the same thing—

Bart:Oh yeah? Then how do you explain this?

Smithers:Ow!

Marge:Bart, dinner's ready. I made your favorite - meatloaf.

Bart:Meatloaf? No way, man. That's not food, that's a category. You got your meatloaf, your loaf of bread, your loaf pan... I'm not eating something that's just a loaf of meat.

Marge:Bart! Don't waste food! There are starving people in... in...

Homer:...between here and the refrigerator?

Marge:No! Around the world!

Bart:But Mom, I'm just feeding Santa's Little Helper.

Marge:Well... that's different. Wasting food is wrong!

Bart:Mr. Burns said I could stay with him as long as I need. He really understands me.

Homer:But Bart, he's a monster who grinds up puppies for fun!

Bart:Yeah, but he's MY monster, Dad. He believes in me. He says I can be anything I want to be.

Marge:Sweetie, he's just using you.

Bart:No way, man. He's my emotional support billionaire.

Bart:Hey Dad, you eat flowers!

Homer:D'oh! Why would you... I mean, who told you that?!

Homer:Oh yeah? Well what are you gonna do, Burns? You gonna use your army of robots?

Mr. Burns:Hmm, yes, my robot army. Though I also have my tank battalion, my helicopter squadron, and my nuclear warhead collection.

Homer:Oh, that's nothing! I've got... uh... a really sharp rock!

Mr. Burns:Foolish Simpson. I also possess a death ray, a giant laser, and a weather control machine.

Homer:Well, I have... two sharp rocks!

Mr. Burns:And I have a machine that turns people inside out, a shrink ray, and the ability to control minds through television signals.

Homer:That's... that's not fair!

Marge:Chief Wiggum, my child has been kidnapped!

Chief Wiggum:Kidnapped? Now Marge, I'm going to have to do some actual police work, and frankly, I'm not prepared for that.

Lionel Hutz:Well, I've seen toilet water with more appeal than this.

Lionel Hutz:I've appeared in court many times as a lawyer.

Lionel Hutz:Often as a lawyer, I mean. Not as a defendant. Well, mostly not as a defendant.

Judge Snyder:Based on these DNA test results, I find the defendant... guilty!

Court Clerk:Your Honor, the DNA results aren't back yet.

Judge Snyder:Oh. Well, in that case... not guilty!

Milhouse:Bart, you're so lucky. Your parents buy you everything.

Bart:Not everything.

Milhouse:Well, they love you. That's something I don't have.

Bart:My parents love me? That's just their way of not buying me stuff.

Burns:Well hello there, my boy. Shall we engage in some radical skate-boarding? I have my roller skates right here.

Bart:Uh, Mr. Burns, those are ice skates. And nobody says 'radical' anymore.

Burns:Nonsense! Now, how about a rousing game of baseball? I'll pitch, you hit it with the hockey stick.

Bart:That's... not how any of this works.

Burns:Come now, don't be such a party pooper! As the kids say... word to your mother!

Bart:I don't know how to drive.

Mr. Burns:Well, I've had three crash helmets installed in the car, and the seats are pre-positioned for impact. The windshield is reinforced, and airbags are supplemented by a full ejector seat.

Deprogrammer:I've deprogrammed all sorts of celebrities. Jane Fonda, Peter Fonda, all the Fondas really.

Deprogrammer:Jane was way too liberal, Peter was way too conservative. I straightened 'em both out.

Homer:But they're siblings with opposite politics, so you basically just swapped their beliefs?

Deprogrammer:Well, yes, but they're much happier now!

Deprogrammer:I extracted Paul McCartney from the cult Wings.

Homer:But he WAS Wings!

Marge:Bart! Oh thank goodness you're home!

Homer:Son! We were so worried!

Marge:Wait... this isn't Bart.

Homer:It's Hans Moleman!

Marge:We have to return him at once.

Homer:But Marge, can't we keep him? He's like the son I never had!

Homer:Bart! Oh, Bart, I'm so glad you're back!

Hans Moleman:Actually, I'm Hans Moleman.

Homer:I don't care who you are, you're my boy!

C. Montgomery Burns:Ah yes, here come the fireworks. Oh, how I love the sound of automatic weapons fire. It's like a thousand angels weeping.

Bart Simpson:Mr. Burns, I want to go home.

Mr. Burns:Your family doesn't want you, boy. I checked. They laughed when I mentioned your name.

Bart Simpson:That's not true!

Mr. Burns:Suit yourself. But you'll always have a home here at the plant. Unlike your parents, I actually care about you.

Actor:I'm having trouble understanding this Homer character. What's his motivation?

Director/Writer:Well, he's just a regular guy trying to get by.

Actor:So he's like Forrest Gump?

Director/Writer:Sure, if you want to think of it that way.

Actor:Except Forrest Gump actually accomplishes things.

Actor:Unfavorably compares Simpsons to Murphy Brown

Mr. Burns:Why, I'm dying!

Homer:Oh my God! Dad, are you okay?

Mr. Burns:Yes, yes, I'm fine. Just my spine again.

Lisa:I know this seems destructive, but I'm actually experiencing a profound sense of loss. Without Bart's constant chaos and unpredictability, my carefully ordered world has become... hollow. I miss the dialectical tension between his anarchic energy and my rational structure. We need each other to define ourselves.

Montgomery Burns:I have a task for you. You must complete it by tomorrow or you're fired.

Employee:What is it, Mr. Burns?

Montgomery Burns:You must write a sentence without using the letter E.

Employee:But sir, that's nearly impossible!

Montgomery Burns:I don't pay you to make excuses. Now scram!

Burns:You'll lose your father's salary, your house, your car, your television, your stereo, your dog, your cat, and your Blockbuster gift certificate.

Homer:We knew they weren't really us because they were way too good-looking.

Marge:And I learned all about Estonian culture from that dwarf actor.

Hans Moleman:Hello, I am Hans. Hans Moleman. Many people know me.

Hans Moleman:Say, that's totally radical, dude! And this is what you call 'sick,' yes? Or perhaps 'phat'? I am down with the youth culture.

Homer:Come on, family. Hans Moleman is a human being. We should treat him with respect. Sure, he's been hit by a car 203 times, but that doesn't make him a bad person.

Marge:But Homer, he tried to kiss you.

Homer:Yeah, well, kissing an old man is like kissing a wrinkly balloon filled with old man juice.