The Dad Who Knew Too Little

Homer:D'oh! [Screams]

Krusty:It should be in a museum. But museums don't want it.

Krusty:I don't swim, so that's where I throw my shrimp shells.

Elliott Gould:Your monkey bit my kid again!

Krusty:Say hello to Bob- [Grunts] and Carol and Ted and Alice- [Grunting]

Kenny:That's me! You would like me. Loser!

Turbo Diary:[Book: Male Voice] Unauthorized user! Access denied! [Electricity Crackling] [Shrieking]

Girl in commercial:Turbo Diary, I love that I bought you.

Announcer:Girltech is a division of Boytech.

Homer:Lisa, nobody likes a shill.

Homer:[Chuckling] I love that little shill.

Marge:A girl should have her own private diary. I had to share mine with my uncle.

Bart:Dad, you can't eat all those free samples. We've gotta get Lisa's present.

Bart:Dad, you ate all the free samples. Now you're eating men's slacks.

Homer:Heh. It's still better than Indian food.

Comic Book Guy:Trying to keep those crushes secret, eh, Romeo?

Homer:It's not for me. I'm not a girl like you.

Mr. Burns:Finally, Smithers, a device worthy of storing my top secret enemies list.

Smithers:I'm ready, sir. Number one, the Kingston Trio.

Burns:[Shudders] Number two-

Turbo Diary · Burns:[Book: Male Voice] Unauthorized user! Access denied! [Electricity Crackling] [Shrieking]

Comic Book Guy:Sir, I can offer you this Tickle Me Krusty, the most popular toy of 1999.

Ned Flanders:Shop o' the mornin', Homer. Just call me 'Mall' Flanders.

Homer:What are you buying? Jerk stuff?

Ned Flanders:Oh, you betcha. This kiosk sells personalized movies.

Rod Flanders · Ned Flanders:My hobbies include- [Ned's Voice] Being quiet during trips, clapping with songs, and diabetes.

Homer:Hey, your kid is in the movie! And the movie knows his name!

Homer:Maybe Lisa will like this better than the diary. Stupid Flanders, you're a genius.

Bart:It's really cool. You can point a red dot at people's crotches from really far away.

Ned Flanders:Hmm. There appears to be a red dot on my trouser front. I'd better lower them. [Sighs] The dot also appears to be on my underpants. Well, down they go.

Police officer:Hey, buddy. You better get that red dot checked out. My uncle died of crotch dot.

Marge:You were supposed to get her that stupid diary!

Lisa · Homer:I don't like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian. Still?

Homer:Then you're not gonna like your other present.

Lisa Simpson (in movie) · Homer:My favorite book is- [Homer's Voice] Magazines.

Lisa:Dad, that information is all wrong! Maggie's a baby, not my best friend. [Crying] You don't know anything about me.

Homer:Maggie, you're her best friend. Go talk to her.

Homer:Good morning, honey. Did you cry out all your 'angries'?

Bart · Homer:I'm still mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an ax. I did it for the insurance money.

Homer:What's your favorite cigar size? Is it robusto? Is it?

Homer:But I'm full of questions. What's your favorite cigar size? Is it robusto? Is it?

Barney:Yeah. At least you ain't aging six years for every one 'cause of your cow heart.

Barney:Ah. Well, whenever I gotta know something about a broad, I use this guy.

Barney:He found out who was cobbling shoes for me at night. Turns out I have severe schizophrenia.

Barney:Maybe someday I'll turn into a swan. [Sighs] Oh, God.

Homer · Detective:'Drunk Cop'- Is that you? No. Look lower.

Detective:It's always a dame. Usually with gams that don't quit... till they get to the shoes. And then they're only napping.

Homer:Chunky lover 53. It's one word. One word. Chunkylover53. At AOL. Dot com.

Detective:You know, you are the spitting image of the Aberdeen Strangler.

Detective · School official:These are some nice looking papers on your desk. It would be a shame if somebody shuffled them. You wouldn't dare. Oh, wouldn't I? [Scoffs] I could easily put them back in their original order. Oh, really? No! [Echoing]

Detective · Nelson:You know, she's just an actress. Shut up! Some of us prefer illusion to despair.

Nelson · Detective:Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school. I once picked my nose till it bled. [Sighs] About Lisa! Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.

Homer:Lisa's pet peeve is phonies? I thought she loved them.

Protesters:What do we want? The gradual phaseout of animal testing over the next three years! When do we want it? Over the next three years!

Homer:So sad. Yet so sexy. Yet so delicious. [Slavers]

Homer:'Report' is a daddy word that means 'loves his daughter.'

Detective:Early on, I was working under the theory that your daughter was a werewolf. Didn't pan out.

Homer:I can't believe a man who agreed to follow my daughter around, for money, would turn out to be a dirtbag!

Homer:You'll regret the day you went to the expensive coffee place!

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Cut it out, Lou. Uh, he's making funny faces. Sorry, Chief. One of these monkeys has the same name as my ex-wife.

Chief Wiggum:Well, apparently there's a secret garden in all of us. And that Lisa Simpson is guilty!

Chief Wiggum:Would an innocent person flee? No, really. Tell me. I honestly don't know.

Hotel clerk · Lisa · Homer:Names, please? Lady Penelope Ariel Ponyweather. Uh, Rock Strongo. Your real name. Uh, Lance Uppercut.

Homer:If the election were held today, would you vote for 'A,' the cops are there, or 'B,' you're free to talk?

Homer:It's full of cigarette butts. So is this one. They must've come from over there.

Detective:You're not telling nobody nothing. Make one move and you'll get a belly full of the Flying Giuseppe.

Homer:Oh, Lisa has excellent hearing. Once when she was three, I was quietly sobbing in the closet, and she found me.

Lisa:Oh, Dad, you do remember something about me.

Lisa:How ironic. Now he's blind, after a life of enjoying being able to see.

Cletus's wife:Cletus, if I find pig lipstick on your collar again, I'm not gonna let you sleep in the sty no more.

Turbo Diary · Homer:[Book: Male Voice] Unauthorized user! Access denied! [Electricity Crackling] [Homer Shouting]