Bart Of Darkness

Homer:Hey, sun! Yeah, you! You're doing a great job, but maybe dial it back a little? You're making everyone miserable! Look, I appreciate the enthusiasm, I really do, but there's such a thing as too much of a good thing. So what do you say? Can you just... I don't know, take a sick day or something?

Unknown patron:Yeah, I'm not paying full price for this. Half these figures are melting.

Museum attendant:Well, sir, they're still wax.

Unknown patron:I don't care. I want the melting price.

Homer:Why thank you. Wait, did you just call me hot? Because I'm not. I'm actually pretty cold right now.

Homer:I've got it! The perfect solution to this heat!

Marge:What is it, Homer?

Homer:I'm moving into the fridge.

Marge:Homer, how did you come up with such a brilliant cooling solution?

Homer:Well, I was staring at the refrigerator, and I realized... it's cold!

Homer:Hey, can you set the oven to cold?

Marge:Homer, ovens don't have a cold setting.

Homer:What? Well then how am I supposed to cool down my food?

Ice Cream Vendor:I'm telling you, I'm out of ice cream! There's nothing left!

Customer:Come on, just one cone!

Ice Cream Vendor:No! Look at the truck! It's completely empty! See? Nothing! No ice cream!

Customer:But I can hear the music...

Ice Cream Vendor:The music is a lie! Everything is a lie! I have no ice cream!

Chili vendor:Get your Texas-style chili! Boiling hot!

Chili vendor:Made with real chunks of... well, let's just say 'meat'!

Chili vendor:Guaranteed to cause regret within the hour!

Lisa:Bart, we need to be realistic about our situation.

Bart:You're right, Lisa. We should probably accept that we're not getting out of here.

Lisa:Exactly. We need to face facts and—

Bart:Whoa! Pool-mobile!

Bart:A truck!

Lisa:Bart, no—

Bart:All the suits he grabbed belong to Martin, the nerdiest kid

Martin:If I wear seven bathing suits, the pool bully cannot possibly reach my skin to give me a noogie!

Bart:Wait, I got an idea! I'll hide underwater and live wherever the mobile pool goes!

Bart:Will the pool-mobile be back tomorrow?

Otto:No man, it only comes once a year.

Bart:Oh.

Otto:Yeah, that's the beauty of it. Makes it real special, you know? If it came every day, it'd be like... it wouldn't mean nothing.

Otto:Yeah, man, we figure it's better to give the kids one perfect day at the pool, then take it away forever. Really messes with their heads.

Homer:Let's have chocolate milk.

Homer:I hereby declare this pool officially open for chocolate milk consumption.

Pool Salesman:Here we have the Aqua-Luxe, our premium model.

Pool Salesman:Then there's the Wave-Master.

Pool Salesman:Our budget line is the Splasher.

Pool Salesman:And this one here is the Tinkler.

Pool Salesman:This is our most popular model, the Wee Wee Pool.

Homer:Sold!

Homer:You know, I've been reading about swimming safety, and apparently you CAN swim right after eating. That's a myth!

Homer:But you know what IS dangerous? Owning a pool called 'The Tinkler' and inviting the neighbors over.

Marge:But what about pool safety? Shouldn't we have a fence? And what about chlorine levels?

Pool Salesman:Lady, you're asking all the wrong questions. What you really need to know is: does this pool have good acoustics? Because I'm thinking of recording my album here.

Homer Simpson:Is this pool safe for children?

Pool salesman:Safe? SAFE?! This is a carefully curated aquatic installation, not some suburban chlorine box. If you can't appreciate the artistic vision behind a properly balanced pH ecosystem, maybe you're not ready for this level of sophistication.

Groundskeeper Willie:Och, the pool's been installed all wrong! We need to tear it oot and start again!

Groundskeeper Willie:That's it, I'm gonna go get my tools. Anyone tries to stop me, I'll give 'em such a whoopin'!

Milhouse:Can I come in your pool?

Homer:We just filled it up five seconds ago.

Milhouse:So is that a yes?

Marge:Are all these kids your friends, Bart?

Bart:Well, Mom, let's just say they're more like... associates who happen to enjoy my company when I'm buying snacks.

Nelson:Hey Simpson, your epidermis is showing!

Bart:So?

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Nelson:I told him epidermis means skin, so I said 'Hey, epidermis!' Get it? Hey, skin!

Nelson:Haw-haw!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, we could try physical therapy, or we could just amputate. Wotta ya say?

Dr. Hibbert:Actually, I was just going to remove your wet swimsuit.

Bart:Oh.

Bart:Dad, I'm worried about missing summer.

Homer:Don't worry, boy. You'll have plenty of summers. In fact, you'll have summer after summer after summer... until one day you'll realize they all blend together and you can't remember any of them.

Bart:Dad, I'm really worried. I'm going to miss the whole summer because of this injury.

Homer:Son, don't worry about it. When you grow up, you'll realize summer doesn't matter. Nothing matters. You'll be working at a job you hate, stuck in traffic, eating donuts alone in your car.

Bart:That's supposed to make me feel better?

Homer:I'm just saying, you're lucky. Enjoy the pain while you're young.

Jimbo:Hey Bart, we heard you were in the hospital. We came to see how you're doing.

Bart:Aw, thanks guys. That's really cool of you.

Jimbo:Yeah, well... you got any pudding cups?

Bart:Martin, you're my only friend left. Everyone else abandoned me for the pool.

Bart:Promise me you'll never leave me, Martin. Promise me!

Milhouse:I can't go in the pool, I lost my glasses.

Bart:Milhouse, you're wearing your glasses.

Milhouse:No I'm not, these are someone else's glasses.

Milhouse:I can't see anything without my glasses!

Bart:Milhouse, your glasses are on your face.

Milhouse:No they're not!

Lisa:Oh Bart, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You can talk to me about anything.

Bart:Thanks Lis. That means a lot.

Lisa:Of course, I'm here for you. We're family and—is that the Flanders' pool?

Bart:Uh, Lisa?

Lisa:What? Oh! Right. Sorry. You were saying?

Bart:Oh man, I'm alone. I gotta think... or read?

Bart:Get outta here, brain!

Bart:Well, sure I can't go to the pool, but a bathtub is basically the same thing. It's got water, it's got me... I'm basically at the pool right now.

Bart:But Krusty, summer's almost here! What about new episodes of The Itchy & Scratchy Show?

Krusty:New episodes? Kid, we're going on hiatus! You're gonna get reruns so bad, you'll think we're punishing you.

Lisa:But those episodes are from 1987!

Krusty:Yeah, and they still got more laughs than anything we're making now!

Krusty:Welcome back to the Krusty the Clown Show, kids! Today we're featuring the most boring adult topic imaginable... tax code amendments!

Homer:Oh no! It's the Creature from the Black Lagoon!

Marge:Homer, that's just algae.

Homer:Algae? ALGAE?! This thing's got me in its slimy grip!

Lisa:Dad, you need to maintain proper chlorine levels, check the pH balance weekly, and skim debris daily.

Homer:Eh?

Homer:Chlorine? That stuff kills germs? I'm gonna dump the whole bottle in the pool!

Homer:Ow! Ow! Ow! Why does my skin feel like it's melting?!

Marge:Homer, you're supposed to use just a little bit!

Homer:Well, nobody told me that!

Bart:Why won't you talk? Where's the microfilm?

Bart:You'll never get me to crack, copper!

Bart:We'll see about that.

Lisa:Bart, these character descriptions are so flowery and overly literary. 'The protagonist, a golden-haired cherub of mischief, dances through existence with the unbridled joie de vivre of a thousand suns.' That's you?

Bart:What? I'm trying to elevate the craft of theater.

Lisa:You wrote 'Ralph enters, a simpleton wrapped in the gossamer threads of innocence.'

Bart:So?

Lisa:It's Ralph.

Bart:So how do you like being popular?

Lisa:Oh, it's nothing special. I mean, sure, I'm the most admired student in school, everyone wants to be my friend, and I've been invited to every social event for the rest of the year, but...

Lisa:I'm trying not to let it go to my head.

Bart:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me there was a nerd festival, and nobody told me?

Bart:I would've gone just to mock you guys.

Bart:Wow, a magazine about hippies!

Bart:It says here they're all about stepping on toes and crushing the man.

Lisa:Bart, that's the opposite of what hippies actually believed in.

Bart:Wow, check this out. Why did the hippie get thrown out of class?

Bart:Because he kept getting too sandal-ous!

Chief Wiggum:Alright boys, we got a peeping Tom. Remember, we're professionals. Let's handle this by the book.

Police Officer:Chief, he's moving toward the window!

Chief Wiggum:Open fire!

Bart:I'm looking at the entire universe through this telescope, and you know what? It's boring.

Bart:Wow, a telescope! Finally, I can see the wonders of the universe.

Bart:Let me look... Nope, it's just a bunch of boring stars and empty space. This sucks.

Bart:Man, I'm so bored. There's nothing to do in this universe.

Bart:Wait, I know! I'll spy on the neighbors!

Bart:This is going to be the most dramatic surveillance operation ever conducted.

Ned:Well, I did it. I finally did it. I killed him. I killed Maude's... I mean, I killed...

Bart:Oh my God! Mr. Flanders killed someone!

Ned:Now, hold on there, boy. Let me explain. I killed that dang varmint that's been eating my petunias!

Ned Flanders:I did it! I did it! I did it!

Bart Simpson:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You actually did it?

Ned Flanders:Well, I did it. I killed somebody. But don't worry, it was an accident-diddly-accident. I was just trying to help, but things got out of hand-a-rooney. I feel just terrible-diddly-ible about the whole thing. Okily-dokily, I guess I deserve whatever punishment the law-a-rooney sees fit. I only hope the good Lord can forgive me-diddly-me.

Bart:Wait, wait. Let me get this straight. You're telling me it's really Ned?

Bart:Well, I guess the 'diddly-doodly' speech pattern is a dead giveaway.

Lisa:Well, technically the homicide rate would only increase if Ned killed *more* children than he would have otherwise. And given that he has no history of violence, the probability is actually quite low.

Lisa's brain:You know, those aren't real friends. They're just fair-weather friends who only like you because you're popular.

Lisa:Shut up, brain. I'm enjoying this.

Lisa:Finally, I'm popular! Soon I'll be the most powerful woman in Springfield.

Lisa:Wait, I mean person. The most powerful person.

Bart:Dad! Dad! There's been a murder!

Homer:Oh my God! Who?

Bart:It was on the news. They said it happened on ABC.

Homer:ABC? Psh. That's a terrible network. It had to happen on Fox.

Homer:That fox... I mean, that vixen... I mean, Fox Network. Yeah, I was just thinking about how great Fox is.

Bart:To butter or not to butter, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous margarine, or to take arms against a sea of breakfast challenges, and by opposing, end them?

Police phone system:Thank you for calling the Springfield Police Department. Press 1 for emergencies, press 2 for non-emergencies.

Bart Simpson:This is an emergency!

Police phone system:You have selected emergencies. Please hold while we connect you to the next available officer. Your call is very important to us.

Police phone system:Press 1 if this is a robbery, press 2 if this is a murder, press 3 if this is a case of mistaken identity.

Bart Simpson:Come on!

Police phone system:Press 4 to repeat this menu.

Police Phone System:For murder, press 1. For outdated phone technology, also press 1.

Police Phone System:For regicide, press 1. For patricide, press 2. For matricide, press 3.

Police Phone System:For sororicide, press 4. For fratricide, press 5. For uxoricide, press 6.

Police Phone System:For regicide subcategories: For killing a king, press 1. For killing a queen, press 2. For killing a prince, press 3. For killing a princess, press 4.

Ned Flanders:Well, Maude's at Bible camp learning about the true Christian values.

Homer Simpson:Bible camp? What do they teach there?

Ned Flanders:Oh, you know, the usual - tolerance, forgiveness, charity toward thy neighbor...

Homer Simpson:That doesn't sound like any camp I'd want to go to.

Ned Flanders:Well, that's because you're not a Christian, Homer.

Homer Simpson:I am too a Christian! I go to church almost never!

Ned Flanders:I've done something terrible. I murdered... and buried a houseplant.

Chief Wiggum:Everything is wrapped up neatly.

Chief Wiggum:Well, as neatly as I wrap things up, anyway.