Homer Simpson In Kidney Trouble

Tour Guide:Welcome to our authentic Old West ghost town experience. Every hour on the hour, a tumbleweed rolls through main street. At 2 PM, there's a mechanical tumbleweed. At 3 PM, another mechanical tumbleweed. At 4 PM, we have our premium mechanical tumbleweed with authentic squeaking sounds.

Marge:Come on, kids! Let's all cheer for your father!

Bart:Eat my shorts, Dad.

Lisa:Dad's philosophy of life is to do whatever's convenient at the time.

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Homer:A warning light? I've got just the thing.

Bart:Dad, you're not going to tape over it, are you?

Homer:Tape? No. I'm using duct tape.

Homer:Problem solved!

Homer:BACKFIRE!

Homer:Oh no, the car's making that noise again.

Homer:Wait... it's my birthday tomorrow.

Homer:The car's saying 'Happy Birthday, Homer!' How sweet!

Homer:Why is the ghost town so far away?

Lisa:Because it's a ghost town, Dad. It's not going to be conveniently located next to a Kwik-E-Mart.

Tour Guide:And here we see the ancient Roman Forum, where Caesar himself once walked.

Tour Guide:Of course, what they don't teach you in school is that every aspect of history can be reduced to prostitution.

Homer:*whistle of admiration*

Marge:Homer!

Tour Guide:Even the mission had prostitutes

Tour Guide:And here we have the original wooden planks from the old bridge.

Tour Guide:They were used by bandits... or so we think. We're not really sure.

Homer:Is this tour mandatory?

Tour Guide:No, it's completely optional.

Homer:Woohoo! I'm outta here!

Homer:Hey, what's with the weird robot voice? You sound like a broken toaster!

Bartender:That's my speech synthesizer. I'm a disabled veteran.

Homer:Oh... uh... thanks for your service?

Homer:I'll take three whiskeys.

Bartender:Sorry, we don't serve alcohol here.

Lisa:Duh.

Robot:You cheated at cards!

Homer:I'm sorry! I spilled Duff beer on your circuits!

Homer:This saloon's too peaceful. We need some authentic Old West violence!

Bartender:Sir, this is a family establishment.

Homer:Then get me to a bar where people actually fight!

Lisa:Dad, that's the third robot you've attacked this week.

Homer:Well, they kept looking at me funny!

Marge:Lisa, did you buy a souvenir gun?

Lisa:No, Mom. The security guard is giving out real weapons.

Security Guard:Here you go, ma'am. One authentic firearm.

Tour Guide:And here we have our former employee, Barney Gumble, suffering from what appears to be a severe case of alcohol poisoning.

Tourists:Ohhhhh!

Barney:Help me...

Tour Guide:As you can see, he's still alive. Barely.

Tourists:Ahhhhh!

Marge:Homer, how could you laugh at that poor man suffering?

Homer:Marge, if we didn't laugh at people's misfortunes, what would be the point of having a TV?

Homer:Moe, I'd like a sarsaparilla.

Moe:We don't have sarsaparilla.

Homer:But you have all those orangeries.

Moe:Orangeries?!

Homer:You know, those things oranges come from.

Moe:Get out!

Grampa:Homer, I need to use the bathroom!

Homer:Not now, Dad. Did you know that Bud Spencer made 47 spaghetti westerns? We need to discuss this immediately.

Grampa:But Homer, I'm 81 years old!

Homer:Forty-seven! That's almost as many as there are kinds of donuts. This is important.

Grampa:You know, back in my day we didn't need all these fancy laxatives. We just ate prunes and let nature take its course.

Homer:Dad, I'm not eating prunes. That's for old people.

Grampa:That's what I'm telling you - it works!

Homer:I'd rather suffer.

Grampa:Homer, I gotta use the bathroom!

Homer:We're only a few hours away.

Grampa:A few hours?! I can't hold it that long!

Homer:Well, you're gonna have to.

Homer:I promise I'll take care of you, Dad.

Grampa:That's nice, boy.

Homer:Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go.

Grampa:Wait, where are you going? It's freezing and I'm still in my underwear!

Dr. Hibbert:I'm afraid you have a serious condition. Your liver is failing.

Homer:My liver? But I love my liver! It's been so good to me all these years.

Dr. Hibbert:Mr. Simpson, your liver is shutting down.

Homer:Shutting down? Like a computer? Can't you just turn it back on again?

Homer:I'm pretty sure I know more about medicine than you do, Doc.

Dr. Hibbert:Homer, I have a medical degree from Harvard University.

Homer:Yeah, well I once cured my own hiccups by holding my breath and eating a whole jar of mayonnaise.

Dr. Hibbert:That's not how the human respiratory or digestive systems work, Homer.

Homer:Doc, is there any connection between my kidney exploding and my car problems?

Dr. Hibbert:Well Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to stop eating.

Homer:Stop eating?!

Dr. Hibbert:No, just the foods that are bad for you.

Homer:Oh thank God.

Grampa Simpson:How long do you think I got, Doc?

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I'd say you've got about five good years left.

Grampa Simpson:Five years? That's not so bad.

Marge Simpson:It's Homer's fault.

Lisa Simpson:Yeah, Dad.

Bart Simpson:Homer!

Dr. Hibbert:Homer, would you consider donating one of your kidneys?

Homer:Oh sure, Doc! I'd be happy to!

Dr. Hibbert:That's wonderful! We'll need to run some tests first—

Homer:Tests? How long will that take?

Dr. Hibbert:A few weeks, perhaps a month—

Homer:A month?! Just take it! Take it now! Rip it out!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, Homer, your kidneys are in terrible shape. You'll need a transplant.

Homer:A transplant? But doc, I don't have that kind of money!

Dr. Hibbert:I'm afraid you'll have to shop around for organs, just like produce at the supermarket.

Homer:You mean I can squeeze 'em to see if they're ripe?

Homer:Woo-hoo! A gorilla movie collection! This is gonna be great!

Homer:Wait a minute... this is the airline version. All the good stuff is cut out!

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:I'm the luckiest man alive!

Marge:Homer, what about that man they call 'the luckiest man alive'?

Homer:Oh, he's dead.

Moe:It's not a 'little' cut, Homer. You nearly severed your arm off!

Homer:Oh come on, Moe. Surgery's dangerous?

Homer:It's not surgery, it's just a little procedure.

Moe:A procedure? Homer, that's like me calling my chili a 'soup situation.' It doesn't make it less serious!

Moe:You're on the organ donor list? What, they gonna take your liver? Your kidneys? What?

Homer:Yeah, whatever they need.

Moe:Well, I'm not doing it. They can have my eyes, my heart, my spleen — but they ain't getting my vestigial tail!

Moe:Give me your buttocks.

Moe:Is this lip real?

Homer:I've invented an artificial kidney!

Marge:Homer, that's just a beer can and a whistle.

Homer:Wait, surgery? You mean they're gonna cut me open?

Doctor:Yes, Mr. Simpson, that's what surgery is.

Homer:But I'm a very important man. Surely there's another way?

Homer:And what exactly is this 'surgery' thing anyway?

Homer:I'm not responsible! It was an accident!

Homer:Once upon a time, there was a cow who jumped over the moon. The end.

Bart:Dad, you skipped like the whole thing!

Homer:Oh, you want the long version? Fine. Once upon a time, there was a cow... who jumped over the moon. Now go to sleep.

Homer:He's already drunk it all himself

Homer:You know, I may be a terrible father, but at least my kids love reading.

Homer:Yeah, they read all my angry letters from the bank.

Homer:I have one last dying wish.

Marge:What is it, Homer?

Homer:I want you to take me to that hospital and let me die there, so I can take out as many of those bastards as I can!

Marge:Homer, promise me you'll never remarry.

Homer:I promise.

Marge:And promise me you'll never let anyone replace me as a mother to Bart, Lisa, and Maggie.

Homer:I promise.

Marge:And promise me you'll do everything in your power to keep this family together.

Homer:I promise. Anything else?

Marge:Yes. One more thing. Promise me you'll blow up the nuclear plant.

Homer:What?!

Marge:Homer, I can't believe you're asking me to do this. It's dangerous and illegal.

Homer:But Marge, you promised! You said you'd do anything for me.

Marge:That was before you asked me to help you with your... scheme.

Homer:A promise is a promise, Marge. I'm counting on you.

Marge:Fine. FINE! I'll do it. But I'm not happy about it.

Homer:That's my wife! Woo-hoo!

Homer:Marge, I need you to blow up the hospital.

Marge:Homer, I can't do that.

Homer:But you promised!

Marge:I promised to support you, not commit a felony.

Homer:A promise is a promise, Marge.

Marge:Oh, all right. But this is the last time!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I'm sure he had a very good reason for leaving. Probably realized he didn't have insurance.

Nurse:Doctor, he jumped out the window!

Dr. Hibbert:Eh, he'll be back. They always come back. Usually in an ambulance.

Lisa:How could Dad just abandon us like that?

Bart:Yeah, man. That's pretty low. Even for me.

Bart:Well, at least I'm bad in a fun way.

Homer:The sea? She's been good to me. She forgives all.

Homer:But mountains? Mountains are just angry rocks that won't leave me alone!

Shop Owner:It's just a candy shop designed to look like a ship.

Homer:A taffy shop? Oh boy!

Homer:Wait, I'm on a diet. I can't go in there.

Homer:It's self-flagellation through candy denial.

Krusty:Hey there, pal! Krusty the Clown's here to cheer ya up!

Grampa:Oh, that's nice. What's that thing you're holding?

Krusty:This? It's a 'Get Well Soon' balloon!

Grampa:It says 'See You Later'...

Krusty:Yeah, well, the store was out of the cheerful ones.

Krusty:Well, well, well... looks like we're both checking out of the same hotel soon, eh Grampa?

Grampa:Yep, we're a couple of goners.

Krusty:At least we'll have company on the way down.

Homer:I've got plenty of maritime experience. Remember that time I worked in the taffy shop?

Sea Captain:That was a taffy shop, not a ship!

Homer:Taffy, ship — they both have a lot of sticky situations.

Sea Captain:Ahoy! Behold this vessel of the damned, a ship of lost souls wandering the seven seas!

Sea Captain:What's the name of this cursed ship, you ask? 'The Honeybunch.'

French Sailor:Bonjour, I am ze French Sailor. I exist, therefore I am... confused about why I exist in zis cartoon.

French Sailor:Ze meaning of life, it eludes me like ze American sense of culture.

English Sailor:We exist only in the minds of others. I've been trying to forget that for years.

Homer:Have you tried beer?

English Sailor:Gather 'round, lads, and I'll tell ye a tale of the sea so dramatic and harrowing...

English Sailor:But first, anyone need to use the loo?

Sailor:I stole bread to feed my family.

Judge:That's a crime, but understandable. What happened next?

Sailor:I used that bread as a weapon to commit murder.

Sailor:You'll never set foot in a car wash in this town again!

Sailor:Tell us your tragic story.

Character:Well, I suffered from a terrible case of ennui.

Sailor 1:That's worse than the time we stole from the blind monkey!

Sailor 2:Yeah, but Homer's betrayal was even worse than that.

Sailor 1:So you're telling us you abandoned your dying father?

Sailor 2:That's pretty low, even for us.

Sailor 1:Yeah, and we're criminals.

Homer:I promise I'll never trust weird people again.

Other Misfits:You're weird!

Homer:No, I'm not!

Homer:Even the sea is rejecting me. Look at it out there, judging me with its waves.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I'm afraid there are no kidneys available right now. Apparently Larry Hagman's been buying them all up.

Homer:Larry Hagman? What's he need all those kidneys for?

Dr. Hibbert:Well, he's not exactly buying them. He's been going around to hospitals with a gun, demanding organ donations.

Grampa:I'm going to a better place.

Grampa:Just rival town's hospital.

Grampa:I'm back, baby! Nothing can stop me now!

Grampa:I'm gonna celebrate by doing a backflip!

Grampa:*attempts backflip and crashes into furniture*

Dr. Hibbert:Well, Homer, we're going to need to perform emergency surgery. Don't worry, I've done this hundreds of times.

Homer:Hundreds of times? That's great, Doc!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, at least a dozen. Anyway, while we're in there, I might as well take out that kidney. I've got a buyer.

Homer:Wait, what?

Dr. Hibbert:I'm joking! ...Mostly.

Homer:Dad, you can't just dance around like that with a new kidney!

Grampa:Why not? I'm alive, aren't I?

Homer:Yeah, but— but— ARGH!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, Homer, you've made a tremendous sacrifice. By donating your organs, you'll save up to eight lives.

Homer:Eight lives? That's great!

Dr. Hibbert:Of course, you'll only get about fifty dollars per organ on the black market.

Homer:Fifty dollars? But I need at least a hundred!

Grampa:I'm not tickling you.