Lisa On Ice

Homer:Kids, I want you to watch Action News. It's good for you.

Homer:All that violence is great for teaching you about the real world.

Kent Brockman:We're reporting a tremendous explosion in the area.

Kent Brockman:It's just lumber prices going up.

Kent Brockman:We're expecting a blizzard, folks. It'll hit like a shotgun full of snow.

Homer Simpson:A shotgun full of snow? That doesn't sound dangerous at all.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin. A 9.0 earthquake has struck the Springfield area. We're still gathering information, but early reports indicate... possible deaths in the thousands.

Kent Brockman:More details as they become available. This is Kent Brockman.

Homer:Why you...

Homer:D'oh! This blasted snow! Why does it have to ruin everything?

Bart:Ay caramba! Snow day! School's cancelled! Cowabunga!

Marge:Homer, why do you trust the weatherman so much? He's wrong half the time.

Homer:Marge, the weatherman is never wrong. He's a scientist. They wear lab coats.

Marge:But Homer, he said it would be sunny yesterday and it rained all day.

Homer:Exactly! He said it would be sunny, and it rained. Two predictions, one came true. That's a 50% success rate, which is better than my guess of 'weather happens.'

Kent Brockman:Good evening. This is Kent Brockman with your weather forecast... I mean, comedy forecast. Tonight's high: hilarious. Low: you won't laugh. Chance of punchlines: 100 percent. Back to you.

Bart:I can't believe I'm throwing snowballs in this weather!

Lisa:That's not snow, Bart. That's the sherbet we've been saving for Dad's birthday.

Nelson:Did your mommy buy you those pajamas?

Bart:Yeah.

Teacher:Class, I want your book reports in alphabetical order by last name.

Bart:Aw man, Simpson starts with S. I'm gonna have to do mine early.

Ralph:My name starts with W!

Bart:Wait a minute... W comes after S. Ralph's got it made!

Mrs. Krabappel:Bart Simpson!

Bart:D'oh!

Principal Skinner:I am pleased to announce that our auditorium will henceforth be known as the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.

Principal Skinner:I... may have made a terrible mistake.

Jimbo:Dude, check it out. We can use the school's new alert system to text the nerds we're gonna beat 'em up.

Dolph:Yeah, and they can't ignore it 'cause it's from the school.

Kearney:Technology rules!

Ralph:An academic alert? I'm gonna be rich!

Ralph:I'm not failing English, I'm American!

Ralph:It's unpossible that I'm failing!

Nelson:Ha-ha! You got a problem with my home ec skills?

Bart:Dude, you made a killer quilt in class today.

Nelson:So? I can still break your arm.

Bart:While wearing an apron you embroidered yourself?

Nelson:Shut up!

Lisa:I'm failing gym? But that's the easy class!

Lisa:I have a 4.0 GPA in every subject that matters!

Homer:I'll give fifty bucks to whoever doesn't forge my name on a permission slip.

Bart:I didn't forge your name, Dad!

Homer:Here's fifty bucks, Ralph!

Lisa:But Dad, I'm the one who didn't forge your name.

Homer:Shut up, Lisa. You're grounded.

Lisa:Dad, why does Bart get a present when I get in trouble?

Homer:Well, Lisa, it's one of life's great mysteries, like why we park in driveways and drive on parkways.

Lisa:You want me to join Pee Wee sports? Do you realize what that leads to? Steroids, scandals, and a lifetime of regret punctuated by occasional endorsement deals.

Gym Teacher:Listen here, Simpson! I'm tired of your attitude in my class!

Lisa:But Mr. Krupt, I'm just trying to maintain my physical and mental wellness through proper form.

Gym Teacher:Well, you know what? I've been coaching for thirty years, and I've inhaled so much whistle that I can now summon dogs just by breathing!

Coach:The entire season's cancelled over one ball?

Marge:Sports are just a small part of life.

Homer:Small part?! Marge, sports are my entire life! Football, baseball, bowling, eating nachos while watching sports... That's basically four sports right there!

Homer:Have fun, Bart.

Homer:But if you lose, I'll kill you.

Martin:I aspire to be the Zamboni driver!

Coach:Well, we can't get a new goalie, so I guess we'll just have to tie him up.

Unknown:Tie him up? But he can't even move!

Coach:Exactly. He won't be able to let any goals in if he's tied to the goal post.

Homer:Woo-hoo! I won fifty bucks! Ah, sweet victory!

Marge:Homer, you bet against Bart's team?

Homer:Well, yeah. The boy's a loser. I'm not gonna lose fifty bucks because of him.

Bart:Thanks a lot, Dad.

Homer:Oh, don't give me that look. You know I love you. But not fifty bucks worth.

Bart:Lisa, aren't you gonna say something nice about me?

Lisa:Oh Bart, I'm so proud of you for breaking Milhouse's arm. What an accomplishment. You've really outdone yourself this time.

Apu:Lisa, you have tremendous hockey talent! You must join my team at the Kwik-E-Mart Hockey League!

Bart:Whoa, Apu, she's MY sister. Back off!

Apu:But Bart, the Kwik-E-Mart needs her. Think of the slurpee sales!

Apu:Lisa, you must be our new goalie! Finally, someone to stop the opposing team from scoring!

Apu:Do you know what this means? Do you?! We can finally win a game! Maybe even two games!

Apu:I have been searching for a goalie for so long, I was beginning to think they were mythical creatures, like the yeti or a man who doesn't love donuts!

Apu:You are a gift from the soccer gods themselves!

Homer:You know, the Bible says that a woman should not speak in church. It also says that if a woman speaks in church, she should cover her head. But most importantly, it says that I should be the head of the household.

Marge:Homer, that's not what the Bible says.

Homer:Well, it should. Anyway, the point is, I've learned absolutely nothing from the Bible.

Homer:Well, there's ice skating, gymnastics, and synchronized swimming.

Homer:Oh, and beach volleyball.

Homer:Ooh, and mud wrestling!

Lisa:I'm doomed! A single F in gym will keep me out of the Ivy League! Without an elite education, I'll never get into politics. And without politics, I'll never become president!

Lisa:My dreams of the White House are finished before they even started.

Judge:Don't worry, Lisa. It's not a real monster island.

Lisa:Oh, thank God.

Judge:It's actually a peninsula.

Narrator:Monster Peninsula.

Homer:Listen up, all of you. I don't want any of you giving Lisa a hard time.

Nelson:Ha-ha! Flat chest!

Martin:I would flee, but I've consumed a large quantity of chocolate, which has rendered my legs immobile.

Homer:We're not laughing at Lisa.

Homer:We're laughing... near Lisa.

Lisa:Dad, that's so sweet. You really do care about me.

Homer:Of course I do, sweetie. Now let me show you how much... by strangling you!

Coach:Remember team, there's no 'I' in team. That's why we won today — through teamwork and cooperation.

Coach:Well, okay, it was mostly Bart. But the rest of you... you didn't actively make us lose!

Milhouse:If my sister's better at sports and I'm better at academics, doesn't that make me the jock and her the nerd?

Bart:Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Mrs. Krabappel:Yes, Bart?

Bart:What's the capital of France?

Mrs. Krabappel:That's correct, Bart. Very good.

Mrs. Krabappel:Now, can anyone tell me the chemical formula for water?

Bart:Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Mrs. Krabappel:Yes, Bart?

Bart:H2O!

Mrs. Krabappel:Correct again, Bart.

Mrs. Krabappel:Bart, your essay on the American Revolution was due last week.

Bart:I know, Mrs. Krabappel. I was really busy.

Mrs. Krabappel:Well, I finally read it. Bart, this is the worst thing I've ever seen. You didn't even spell 'Revolution' correctly. And you wrote the whole thing in crayon.

Bart:So... what grade did I get?

Mrs. Krabappel:An F. Actually, I invented a new grade just for you: a Z-minus. Congratulations, you've achieved academic mediocrity that shouldn't be possible.

Jimbo:Hey, that's our job to bully Bart, not yours!

Lisa:Back off, he's my brother.

Jimbo:Well, he's OUR brother too... I mean, not literally, but we've bullied him since he was our brother's age.

Martin:Thank you, Lisa. You've saved me once again. Usually it's my mother who comes to my rescue with her formidable legal expertise and threatening letters.

Marge:We shouldn't stereotype mothers. Not all of us are the same.

Marge:Now if you'll excuse me, I have a very important aerobics class to attend in my pastel tracksuit.

Marge:Well, we need to work together as a team, like the Harlem Globetrotters!

Homer:Marge, don't you mean Harvey Wallbangers?

Marge:That's totally tubular, dude! Those cats are really dunking the rock down the court!

Homer:Marge, what are you talking about?

Marge:I'm being hip to the jive! Totally rad and groovy with the basketball!

Bart:Mom, nobody talks like that anymore.

Marge:Well, the referee just gave them a technical foul for excessive jam-itude!

Homer:All those years with Bart were a complete waste of time.

Bart:Dad!

Homer:I mean, uh... not a waste. Quality time. The best years of my life.

Lisa:Mom, please, I need some space.

Marge:Oh sweetie, you know Mommy needs her hugs!

Lisa:But Mom, you're suffocating me—

Marge:Nonsense! One more squeeze!

Bart:You know, I've learned that the best way to resolve differences is through calm, rational discussion.

Bart:That's why I sat down with my old teddy bear and we talked things through... then I beat it to death with a baseball bat.

Lisa:But Bart, Mr. Honey Bunny was your toy too.

Bart:So?

Lisa:So you just destroyed a part of your own childhood.

Bart:Ay caramba! I'm doing the windmill!

Bart:Everybody back! I'm not responsible for any injuries!

Homer:But Marge said I couldn't eat pie... Bart, what would you do?

Bart:Well, Dad, if someone told me not to do something, I'd just do it anyway and say 'Eat my shorts!'

Homer:Eat my shorts! That's it! Marge never said I couldn't eat pie if I said 'Eat my shorts!' first.

Homer:Kids, I want you to know that you're not in competition with each other.

Homer:Now, whoever gets the best grades this semester wins a new mountain bike!

Homer:Come on, boy! You gotta want it more than Bart!

Bart:Dad, we're on the same team.

Homer:I don't care! I want you two fighting for my love out there!

Chief Wiggum:Alright, fellas, here's the deal. You stop committing crimes, and we'll cut your sentences in half.

Prisoner 1:Not committing crimes? That's asking too much!

Prisoner 2:Yeah, we're prisoners! That's what we do!

Crowd:Simpson! Simpson! Simpson!

Grampa:It's not Brut, it's Hai Karate!

Moe:So Marge, how's everything going? You look great today!

Marge:Oh Moe, that's sweet of you to say, but we both know I haven't slept in three days, my hair is held together with bobby pins and desperation, and I'm pretty sure this is the same outfit I wore last Tuesday.

Moe:Hey, I need some gambling information. What's the over-under on the Broncos game?

Bookie:That'll be $500, Moe.

Moe:I don't have $500. I'm already in for $43,000.

Bookie:You got until Tuesday to pay up, or we break your legs.

Moe:Both of 'em?

Lisa:Here's a lucky charm for the game.

Bart:What is it?

Lisa:A real rabbit's foot.

Bart:Cool! Thanks, Lis.

Lisa:Oh, and the rest of the rabbit is in the freezer if you need it.

Lisa:Bart! What have you done to Mr. Fuzzyboots?!

Bart:It's my lucky charm now. See? One eye's hanging off, the stuffing's coming out...

Lisa:That's disgusting! You've desecrated a perfectly good toy!

Bart:Perfectly good? Lisa, it's been lucky for three whole days.

Lisa:The only thing that's lucky is that I'm not the one who has to look at that abomination.

Homer:Marge, you gotta pick your favorite child.

Marge:Homer, I can't do that. I love all our children equally.

Homer:Well, I can. Bart's my favorite.

Marge:What about Lisa and Maggie?

Homer:Lisa's smart, so that's something. But Maggie? What's she done? She can't even talk. She just drools and cries. Until she accomplishes something, she's out.

Krusty:I should've gotten professional help for my singing.

Homer:Okay, I gotta choose which kid to support. Bart or Lisa?

Homer:Mmm... beer.

Homer:I choose Marge!

Homer:Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Marge:Homer, the game's over.

Homer:I don't care! I committed to this boo!

Crowd:Boo! Boo! You stink!

Crowd:Yeah, show some school spirit! Destroy each other!

Crowd:What kind of sportsmanship is this?!

Crowd:Boo! Boo! We want a winner!

Crowd:Kill the ref! Kill the ref!

Teen:This is awesome!

Chief Wiggum:Boy, I wish I was a kid again. I could cause all this chaos and nobody would care.