Homer Badman

Homer:Why do they have to regulate how many marshmallows are in my cereal? It's tyranny! Pure tyranny! I want a bowl that's 90% marshmallows and 10% regret!

Marge:Now children, when eating cereal, it's important to use moderation and remember that it's part of a balanced breakfast.

Homer:Balanced? Marge, I'm eating five bowls a day. That's balance!

Marge:Homer, that's not what I meant. You're supposed to eat healthy foods too.

Bart:But Mom, the box says it has vitamins!

Marge:Well... I suppose if it says so on the box, it must be true. Have as much as you want, sweetie.

Homer:Mmm... a magical place of pure sweetness and wonder...

Homer:Where all my dreams come true...

Man:Sir, it's just a candy trade show.

Homer:Oh.

Homer:I won these tickets fair and square at the radio station. They had a contest: name all the different kinds of candy bars. I got them all - Snickers, Milky Way, Butterfinger, Almond Joy, Mounds, Twix, Three Musketeers, PayDay, 100 Grand, Nestle Crunch, Baby Ruth... and almond bars.

Bart:Dad, almond bars aren't a real candy bar.

Homer:Well, I thought they were!

Apu:Please, sir, if you do not stop destroying my merchandise, I will have to ask you very nicely to stop.

Apu:And if that does not work, I will ask you again, but with more conviction in my voice.

Homer:Marge, you should go instead of the kids. You've got the upper body strength of a linebacker and the endurance of a pack mule. Plus, your hair can hold supplies.

Bart:Come on, Mom. Help us out here.

Lisa:It's for the greater good.

Bart:The greater good.

Marge:The greater good?

Lisa:The greater good.

Marge:Homer, do you really need all those pockets?

Homer:All those pockets? Marge, you don't understand. Without these pockets, I'd have to carry everything in my hands. Or worse... I'd have to remember where I put things.

Marge:Well, maybe you could just—

Homer:No, no, no. The alternative is clear. I'd need to sew pockets onto my underwear. And then my socks. And then my OTHER socks. Pretty soon I'd be nothing but pockets with a man attached to them, and Marge, I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility.

Marge:I can't find a babysitter. My only two options are either Barney or a rabid dog.

Marge:We found you a new babysitter. She's a very responsible graduate student.

Bart:A graduate student? What about that scary hobo who hangs around the Kwik-E-Mart?

Homer:That's a great idea! He owes me money anyway.

Bart:Yeah! The hobo! Please, anyone but the grad student!

Ashley:Hi, I'm Ashley. I'm a feminist advocate and women's rights activist.

Bart:You're a maniac!

Homer:A photo with the Nesquik Bunny! This is the greatest day of my life!

Homer:Wait, where are the other two musketeers?

Nesquik Bunny:There are only two of us now.

Homer:Oh my God, one of the musketeers is dead!

Bart:I know you don't like being called 'chicks', but the baby chicks in the yard are getting away!

Ashley:Look Bart, I got you a video game where you play as a teenager who has to do chores or his parents will ground him!

Bart:Wow, that sounds... incredibly boring.

Ashley:Wait, there's more! If you don't do the dishes, your mom hits you with a spatula. If you don't vacuum, your dad chases you with a belt. And if you don't take out the trash, they lock you in the basement!

Bart:Okay, now we're talking!

Ashley:See? All men are easily manipulated with simple rewards. It's like you're all just dogs chasing a ball.

Bart:Hey! That's not fair!

Ashley:Oh please, you were literally distracted by shiny cartridges five seconds ago.

Homer:I'm like a candy store in a kid!

Candy Scientist:Behold! My latest creation - a candy so potent, it requires triple-layered lead shielding and can only be handled with tongs by personnel wearing hazmat suits.

Candy Scientist:One lick has been known to cause spontaneous combustion, temporary levitation, and an inexplicable craving for more candy.

Candy Scientist:We've had to relocate the research facility three times after the previous test subjects achieved nuclear fission.

Candy Scientist:But it's fruity!

Salesman:Yes, yes, wax lips have 1000 uses!

Homer:Name one.

Salesman:Well, you can eat them...

Homer:That's one. What else?

Salesman:Uh... well...

Homer:Name another!

Salesman:You can... wear them as lips.

Homer:That's basically the same thing.

Salesman:Well, I... uh...

Homer:Come on! What's use number three?

Salesman:I... I don't... AHHH!

Salesman:I can't do this anymore!

Vendor:No vegetables at the Candy Convention!

Homer:But I brought celery!

Vendor:Okay, you can stay, but the celery has to go in a candy wrapper.

Homer:Deal!

Vendor:And if I catch you eating that celery without chocolate on it, you're out of here!

Salesman:Behold, the Gummi Venus de Milo! Carved from a single, preciously type gummi bear.

Salesman:Priceless.

Marge:How many times are we going to say 'gummi' in this scene?

Marge:Homer! How did you get the gummi Venus de Milo?!

Homer:I found it.

Marge:You found it? Homer, that's on display at the museum!

Homer:I know.

Homer:Marge! Save the booty!

Marge:The booty?

Homer:The candy, woman!

Homer:You'll never take me alive, copper!

Security Guard:Sir, please step away from the candy display.

Homer:I'm warning you! I've got a sugar rush and I'm not afraid to use it!

Homer:My gummi Venus de Milo! She's gone! Oh, why does this always happen to me?

Homer:Wait a minute... if she's missing her arms, then she can't have stolen herself. So someone else must have taken her!

Homer:I'm a genius!

Homer:Ashley is fine in the car.

Narrator:Cut to Ashley clearly not having a good time.

Homer:You know, Ashley, science has made incredible progress. We've got space exploration, medical breakthroughs, all kinds of amazing stuff.

Homer:But you want to know what really matters? Getting rid of the smell in my shoes.

Homer:Hey, can you drive me somewhere?

Babysitter:Sure, where?

Homer:To the store. I need to buy some soap, deodorant, and a new shirt. I haven't showered in three weeks.

Homer:Oh, thank you!

Ashley:Homer Simpson tried to grab my candy!

Homer:I was just trying to get a piece of candy that fell on the ground!

Ashley:He grabbed me!

Marge:Homer, what is she talking about?

Homer:I didn't grab her! I grabbed the candy!

Homer:Me? In big trouble? That's ridiculous!

Marge:Homer, you burned down the nuclear plant.

Homer:Oh, thank God. I thought you found out about the donuts I stole from Lard Lad.

Protesters:Homer Simpson is a big fat pig!

Protester:Wait, wait. By 'pig' we mean a filthy, disgusting slob, not an actual swine.

Protesters:Homer Simpson is a big fat pig!

Homer:I'm not bashful, Marge. I'm just... selective about what I find funny.

Marge:Homer, you giggle at everything.

Homer:That's not true. I have a very sophisticated sense of humor.

Marge:Really?

Homer:Yeah. For example, I would never laugh at something as silly as... as a bird called a 'titmouse.'

Homer:*giggling uncontrollably* Tit... mouse... hehehehe

Homer:I was late because I got stuck in traffic on the way home from work.

Ashley:Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book.

Bart:Wait, so you're telling me you can get in trouble for touching someone without permission?

Homer:That's right, boy.

Bart:But I thought that's what cooties were for! To keep girls away so you don't accidentally touch 'em and get all mushy!

Homer:Son, that's not how this works...

Bart:So you're saying cooties are a lie? What's next, you gonna tell me Santa isn't real?

Homer:See kids, sexual harassment is when someone does something to you that you don't want them to do. Like this alligator here — he's always touching me inappropriately.

Lisa:Dad, that's just a postcard.

Homer:I know what I felt, Lisa. And this alligator felt it too.

Lisa:Dad, by your logic, shouldn't you be concerned about the Coppertone dog pulling down that girl's bathing suit? Isn't that a crime?

Homer:Hmm... you know, that's a good point. I never thought about the legal implications. That dog could be charged with indecent exposure or sexual assault.

Protesters:Nuclear power! Nuclear power!

Homer:Marge can't fix this? But... but she fixes everything! My socks, my shirts, my life choices!

Homer:I have to do it myself? MYSELF?! No! No, no, no, no, no!

Homer:Why would you do this to me, Marge? I'm not equipped for this! I'm not equipped for anything!

Homer:I'm going to die! We're all going to die!

Godfrey Jones:Hello, Homer. I'm Godfrey Jones, a television producer. I've been listening to your prayers.

Homer:Oh my God!

Godfrey Jones:No, no. Just Godfrey.

Homer:Fair and even-handed? That's the most honest journalism I've ever seen! Those tabloids really know how to report the facts about Bigfoot.

Interviewer:Homer, those stories aren't real.

Homer:Well, they're real enough for me!

Homer:I was just trying to get a piece of candy from the machine, and I had to get down on my knees and really work it with my hands, stroking it back and forth, back and forth, getting it nice and wet with my tongue...

Marge:Homer!

Homer:What? I was talking about the candy machine!

Homer:So, in conclusion, I believe Sasquatch is out there somewhere, and one day I'm gonna meet him. We'll probably become best friends. Maybe go bowling.

Reporter:So you're denying these allegations of a sex farm?

Farmer:That's right. We're a legitimate agricultural operation.

Reporter:Then how do you explain the suspicious activity at night?

Farmer:Well, we breed our animals after dark when it's cooler. It's more humane.

Reporter:And what exactly are you breeding?

Farmer:Mostly sheep and goats. Sometimes horses if the price is right.

Homer:I love gummi bears. Gummi bears are great. I eat gummi bears all day long.

News Anchor:So Homer, you're saying you enjoy... bears all day long?

Homer:That's right!

Homer:I love licking the wrapper.

Narrator:Homer Simpson admits to a fetish.

Homer:Sometimes I eat a whole box in one sitting.

Narrator:He consumed an entire box in a single session.

Homer:The strawberry one is my favorite.

Narrator:When asked about his preference, Homer chose the strawberry variety.

TV Disclaimer:The following scene is probably fake.

Homer:I've got it! I'll move us all underwater!

Marge:Homer, that's insane.

Homer:No it's not! We can be like The Little Mermaid. I'll be Prince Eric, you'll be Ariel, and the kids can be... fish or whatever.

Lisa:Dad, that's not how biology works.

Homer:Who cares? Underwater, nobody can find me and ask me to do stuff!

Homer:🎵 I want to be where the people aren't, I want to see, want to see 'em, wantin'... I want to walk around like, talk like I'm not me. 🎵

Homer:🎵 Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they sue all day in the sun, wanderin' free—wish I could be part of that lawsuit... 🎵

Marge:Homer, you can't breathe underwater.

Homer:Not with that attitude, I can't.

News Reporter:We interrupt this program to bring you a special news report. Homer Simpson is in an oxygen tent and he's gone bonkers.

Homer:Wait, I'm not bonkers!

Homer:And for the record, I've been in better tents.

Random Woman:Homer Simpson destroyed my life! He ruined everything!

TV Host:That's wonderful! Can you cry a little harder for the camera?

Announcer:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our special guest tonight...

Announcer:He's a star of television, a gentle soul, and a credit to his species...

Announcer:Put your hands together for Ben!

Woman on Ben:We need to increase education funding in this state.

Woman on Ben:Just last week, Homer Simpson was caught doing something absolutely ridiculous.

Woman on Ben:If that's not a reason to invest more in our schools, I don't know what is.

TV Announcer:Coming this fall, a TV movie adaptation of Homer Simpson's scandal. Starring Dennis Franz as Homer.

Homer Simpson:Hey, at least I'm not as bad as those presidents with their scandals!

Homer:You think anyone's gonna believe a harassment complaint against me? Have you seen who's in the White House?

TV Reporter:According to thermal imaging, we can see Homer Simpson is... oh my God, he's roasting himself alive!

Homer Simpson:I'm just making a sandwich!

TV Reporter:Our latest poll shows that Homer Simpson is the least popular man in Springfield. We should make TV polls legally binding.

Barney:We'll sell your secrets to the highest bidder.

Moe:Yeah, Homer, you're going down!

TV Reporter 1:Five thousand dollars!

TV Reporter 2:Ten thousand!

TV Reporter 1:Fifteen thousand!

Barney:Do I hear twenty?

Bart:TV has been more of a parent than Homer himself

Homer:You know, maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am.

Lisa:Dad, you once thought the TV was a window to another dimension.

Homer:Well, it is!

Lisa:No, it's not.

Homer:Oh. Well, the TV said it was, so...

David Letterman:Number three: I've been on the air for twenty years and I've only made fun of Homer Simpson like five thousand times.

David Letterman:That's not overusing material, that's just... Homer.

Evening at the Improv Comedian:You know what would be funny? If E.T. and Mr. T had a baby, right? And the baby's first words were: 'E.T. phone home, fool!'

Comedian:E.T. phone home... I pity the fool who doesn't answer!

Grandpa Simpson:That's the American flag. I fought for that flag. Well, I fought against it in World War I, but I was on the right side... I think.

Grandpa Simpson:You know what I hate about that flag? Missouri. Dang Missouri thinking it can just become a state in 1821. Well, I'm still mad about it!

Homer:Welcome to my public access show. You know, people have been calling me 'Homer the Great' all week.

Homer:At first I thought they said 'Homer the Grate' — you know, like a cheese grater. I was offended! But then I realized they said 'Great'!

Homer:Although, come to think of it, 'Homer the Grate' does have a nice ring to it. It's kind of endearing, really.

Homer:I didn't do it! But I did sabotage that bicycle race in '87, and— wait, forget I said that.

TV Station Worker:The phones are lighting up with support!

TV Station Worker:First call is a wrong number.

TV Station Worker:Second call is a telemarketer.

Homer:My depression is so bad, I need medication.

Homer:Good thing I found some.

Homer:Mmm... ice cream.

Homer:Wait, it's not working. I need more ice cream!

Groundskeeper Willie:Well, ye see, all us Scottish folk do it! We videotape couples in the bushes. It's in our blood, laddie!

Lisa:Well, I guess that's what happens when we replace our entire judicial system with a surveillance state.

Lisa:Well, I suppose if we can't trust the justice system, at least we can trust an omnipresent surveillance state to keep us safe.

Ashley:I'm sorry, I saw the video evidence.

Homer:That's right. I'm both an animal AND a decent man.

News Anchor:We'd like to make the following corrections to things we said on our show.

News Anchor:The following people are not, in fact, communist spies: Mayor Quimby, Chief Wiggum, and Barney Gumble.

News Anchor:Apologies to the Rand Corporation, Slingerland Shoe Company, and Slom's Bake-ery. We were wrong. You are not all run by the same compassionless robots.

News Anchor:And finally, the Internet is not, as we stated, 'a fun diversion.' It is, in fact, a very dangerous place where time is spent.

Marge:You know, it's not really fair to portray Willie as evil just because of some music. Musical scoring can really manipulate how we perceive things.

Marge:Homer, haven't you learned anything from this experience?

Homer:Yeah, Marge. I've learned that I never learn anything.