Kamp Krusty

D'oh! [Screams]

Oh, no, Mrs. Krabappel. If I don't get a 'C' average, my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty. Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right.

Much obliged, doll!

Attention, everyone. This is Principal Skinner. I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction. Now, let's trash this dump.

Wake up, boy. [Groans, Gasps] I dreamt it was the last day of school. Well, it is. Oh, how do I know this isn't some beautiful dream too?

You know, a pinch is more traditional. [Loud Gobbling, Belching]

Sure do! When you're 18, you're out the door!

Remember, when you see my report card, they got this new grading system this year. It now goes, 'D,' 'B,' 'A,' 'C.'

If you want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

[Man] Seventeen, 32-- D'oh! five-- D'oh! eight-- Whoo-hoo! 47. D'oh!

Thirty-six, 24, 36. Ha, ha, ha.

I've never gotten a 'B' before. How could this have happened? I feel so dirty!

The dirt's not coming off! [Panting]

Now, Lisa, everyone needs a blotch on their permanent record. Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. [Hysterical Giggle] I think you should reconsider. Lisa, you're hurting me!

I'd also like to add, as I gaze upon your beauty... I've never seen an angel fly so low. Forget it, short pants.

Have a 'D'-lightful summer! [Laughing]

We won! Yea! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

I haven't seen such unfettered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon.

Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing. We want the old girls sparkling when I get back. Aye, sir. Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup!

All right! Three whole months of Spaghetti Os and daytime TV!

You bet. Check out this hand. All aces. [Laughing] A-plus!

Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades?

Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground.

And for you fat kids... my exclusive program of diet and ridicule... will really get results.

D'oh! Stupid roller skate.

You don't think much of me, do you, boy? No, sir. You know, a 'D' turns into a 'B' so easily. You just got greedy.

Now, Bart, we made this deal because I thought it would help you get good grades. And you didn't. But why should you pay for my mistake?

I didn't want you hanging around all summer anyway.

Thanks, son. Now, you've got little hands. Can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate? [Engine Starts] Phew. Never mind.

I'm gonna swim 'nekkid.' You're what? Ah, sure, there'll be a couple of up-tight counselors... who won't dig the Bart philosophy... but I feel the human body is a thing of beauty.

Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier?

There's only one known cure-- a 'wowwipop.' [Chuckling] Don't patronize me, Doctor.

Hey, hands off my pickle! I don't see your name on it, boy. No, but-- Oh, yeah? Check... mate! Always thinking two moves ahead.

Spare me your euphemisms. It's fat camp for Daddy's chubby little secret! You promised you wouldn't make a scene.

Remember: leaves of three, let it be. Leaves of four, eat some more. [Laughing]

Don't look in my closet. In fact, stay out of my room altogether. If the pets die, don't replace them. I'll know!

So long! Don't come back!

I'll see you in a few weeks. Until then, I've turned things over... to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world-- [Dubbed Voice] Mr. Black. I want you to treat-- [Dubbed Voice] Mr. Black. with the same respect you would give me. Now here's-- [Dubbed Voice] Mr. Black.

For the past 15 years, I was president of Euro-Krustyland... until it blew up.

Can we call you Uncle Blackie? No. Last question. When do we get to see Krusty? Uh, he will be along eventually.

In the meantime, our counselors Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney... will be happy to handle any problems you may have.

Looks like we got ourselves a troublemaker. [Grunting]

Here's your cabin. If you don't like it, T.S.

This is a little more rustic than I expected. I'm not worried, Lise. You know why? Because of this. The Krusty Brand Seal of Approval.

Oops. I should've warned you. That clock gets incredibly hot if you leave it plugged in.

Don't we get to roast marshmallows? Shut up and eat your pinecone.

Well, it ain't gettin' any safer.

All right, you balls of pan drippings! I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores! We're not leaving until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up.

You're serving us gruel? Not quite. This is Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of 10 orphans can't tell the difference.

Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy. Gentlemen, to evil.

Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds! Oh, that's wonderful! And look-- new hair! I'm this close to having a comb-over.

I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart. We're all gonna die, Lise. I meant soon. So did I.

Hey, Lendl! Choke! Choke! Yeah! [Man] Point and game, Becker. And will the harlequin in the third row Please keep his voice down? [Chortles] Sorry, folks.

Hey, Simpson! Tell your mom her cookies sucked.

Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear hell... because I've been to Kamp Krusty.

A snake bit me. Back in line, maggot!

Come on, wimps! These Gucci wallets have to be on the streets of Hong Kong by Friday.

Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming. Krusty's coming. But I am far more pessimistic.

Ah, kids' letters from camp. Oh, she complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't want to leave.

Lisa, I've been thinking it over. Next summer, I'm getting a job. [Moaning]

Marge, we've got all the fireworks we need right here.

See? I told you Krusty would come. Just like I said. He's gonna bring us food and water, and smite our enemies!

Now, I must tell you kids, Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back... so he won't be saying anything or doing anything. Krusty looks fat. He's really having trouble keeping his balance. He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny.

That's not Krusty the Clown! [Kids Gasping] What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? [Nervous Laughing] I mean, I-- Yeah, Bart. I am so Krunchy the Clown! [Belches]

All right. That's it. I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins. My Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight! And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far!

We want Krusty! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy!

My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom! [Cheering] [Slurping] Ahh! Sweet, nourishing gruel!

Kowalski! My brownies! Wiggum! A change of underwear! Crandall! My insulin!

Bart! You said you were gonna name it Camp Freedom! Aah, this has more zing. I dub thee Sir-- Urgent call for Mr. Clown.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq... and I can say without hyperbole... that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

[Thinking] Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy. D'oh!

I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp. Can I say 'crappy' on TV? Yes, on this network, you can.

Is it true you attempted suicide when you heard the news? Are you and Princess Di just friends? You people make me sick! You're vultures! Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid? Out of my way, you parasites! I said, out of my way!

I'm no fake. I'm the real Krusty. Oh, yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown? I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.

I smell bacon. Let's see if he's wearing a wire! Hey! Whoa! No! Not the face! [Gasping] It is the real Krusty. Look at that pacemaker scar, the cattle skull birthmark... and his famous superfluous nipple.

At least you're not as bad as Customs. How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product. [Loud Sobbing] Oh! They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone!

Krusty, this camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export. And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. Oh, my God! [Sobbing] Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God!

I'm gonna make it up to you. I'm gonna show you kids the time of your life. Get ready for two weeks at the Happiest Place on Earth-- Tijuana! [Cheering]