Lard Of The Dance

Homer Simpson:D'oh!

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Homer:Lisa, why do you need fancy paper? Just use the newspaper. It's got everything - news, comics, and if you look real close, you can see through it to the next page.

Bart:Who needs school supplies? I've got computers, the internet, all the knowledge in the world at my fingertips.

Teacher:Well Bart, you'll also need staplers.

Bart:Staplers? What are you talking about? Staplers are just as important as computers!

Krusty:Hey, hey! Look at this educational toy I'm hawking. It spells out words for the kiddies.

Krusty:What the—? Who programmed this thing? It's spelling out 'schmuck'!

Krusty:How do you spell that Yiddish word? You know, the one with all the letters?

Krusty:Ah, forget it! Kids, look it up yourselves. I got a show to run!

Alex:So Lisa, I hate school. Don't you?

Lisa:Well, actually, I find the academic curriculum quite stimulating. The library has an excellent collection, and I've been exploring advanced mathematics and philosophy.

Alex:...

Lisa:But yes! School is... the worst! Totally hate it! Woohoo!

Alex:Your pen is stuck in your hair.

Other student:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Other student:Do you want it?

Apu:Here is your usual, Homer: donuts, chips, and a large Squishee.

Homer:Perfect. Oh, and throw in a copy of Success magazine.

Apu:Success magazine? Homer, you always buy junk food and never read anything educational.

Homer:I know, but maybe if I carry it around, people will think I'm going places.

Homer:Hey, this hot dog tastes different.

Apu:Oh yes, I forgot to soak it in putrid grease this morning.

Homer:Putrid grease? You mean that's not the normal state?

Homer:Why is my hot dog so clean? There's no dirt, no hair, no... character!

Lenny:That's because it's made of all the stuff we scraped off the other hot dogs.

Homer:Wait, so hot dogs are made of... hot dogs?

Carl:And the stuff we found in the grill.

Barney:And whatever was in my pockets.

Apu:Where did all the grease go? Well, I sold it to the hospital for their deep fryer, the school cafeteria uses it for their fries, the beauty salon buys it for hair treatments, and... the baby food company.

Homer:Baby food?!

Apu:Yes, they use it as a thickening agent.

Homer:Wait a minute... all this grease I've been clogging my arteries with... that's worth money!

Homer:I'm rich! I'm rich!

Homer:Ow! Ow! My chest! Why does it hurt so much?

Marge:Homer, that's your heart giving out.

Homer:But I was just rich for a second!

Homer:Come on, boy. Eat the bacon. Bacon makes everything better.

Santa's Little Helper:*whimpers and backs away*

Homer:What's wrong? You love bacon. Here, have some more.

Bart:Dad, I think the dog's trying to tell you something.

Homer:Nonsense, Bart. He's just playing hard to get. More bacon for Homer!

Homer:I've achieved financial independence! I'm not driven by money anymore.

Marge:Really? That's wonderful!

Homer:Yeah, I only care about the simple things in life now.

Marge:Like what?

Homer:Grease. I'd do anything for grease. I'd sell my soul for grease. I'd betray my family for grease.

Bart:Dad, I gotta go to school.

Homer:School? No son, you're in the grease business now.

Bart:The grease business?

Homer:That's right. I'm gonna teach you everything I know about grease. Now get in the car, we're going to the nuclear plant.

Ralph:My summer was great! I went to camp, made new friends, and learned about lazy eyes.

Ralph:Lazy eyes was the best part!

Nelson:Haw-haw!

Principal Skinner:I need a volunteer for this thankless job.

Lisa:I'll do it!

Principal Skinner:Lisa, I'd like you to show our new student around the school.

Lisa:Of course, Principal Skinner.

Principal Skinner:When you get to the trophy case, just tell them it's full of trophies. It's empty, so you'll have to lie.

Alex:Lisa!

Lisa:What?

Alex:Shut up!

Lisa:Excuse me? I wasn't even talking!

Lisa:What's that perfume you're wearing?

Alex:It's called Pretension.

Lisa:That's so you, you Phoebe.

Lisa:Well, there's this new doll I heard about. It has an achievable chest size.

Lisa:Look, jacks are back in style! They're the hottest accessory this season.

Bart:Lisa, jacks? Really? That's the lamest thing I've ever heard.

Lisa:Oh, like you know anything about fashion. Jacks are having a major resurgence among the fashion-forward set.

Alex:Why is your trophy case empty?

Lisa:There was a fire.

Skinner:You could just say you cleaned it.

Lisa:A fire did the cleaning.

Principal Skinner:Lisa, I heard you tell the other children that I was a war hero who fought in Vietnam.

Lisa:Well, yes, Principal Skinner, I was just trying to—

Principal Skinner:Actually, I need to correct that. I was in fact stationed in Shelbyville, filing requisition forms. Hardly heroic.

Lisa:Oh... I see. I apologize for the exaggeration.

Principal Skinner:Though I did once prevent the coffee machine from being stolen, which some might consider brave.

Lisa:Uh-huh. That's... that's great, Principal Skinner.

Homer:I'm gonna be rich! I'll sell this grease and make a fortune!

Grease dealer:That'll be $500 for the grease.

Homer:Five hundred dollars?! But I only made $50 selling it!

Bart:Dad, you lost money.

Homer:Why you little...

Bart:Dad, we just lost three thousand dollars!

Homer:But son, if we hadn't spent the money, we wouldn't have lost it.

Bart:Dad, I'm worried I'm going to miss school.

Homer:Don't worry son, you won't miss it!

Alex:Hello?

Other Student 1:Dude, is that a cell phone?

Alex:Yeah, so?

Other Student 2:You're like, the coolest kid in school now.

Other Student 3:I heard only rich kids have those.

Other Student 1:My parents said I can't have one until I'm thirty.

Marge:Oh honey, there are plenty of fish in the sea. You'll find someone who really appreciates you.

Lisa:Yeah, Mom, and I'm sure he'll be a really great guy who won't mind that I'm a vegetarian saxophone player with no friends.

Lisa:Alex acts like iced tea is some scandalously adult beverage!

Lisa:Dad, wait! That's a terrible idea!

Homer:Terrible? Lisa, I've done worse things before breakfast. Now hand me that blowtorch.

Student:Hey Lisa, aren't you bobbing for the same apple you bobbed for last year?

Lisa:Well, I like to think of it as developing a deeper relationship with my fruit.

Lisa:I can't decide between the school dance and the apple picking festival.

Principal Skinner:Well, Lisa, I should tell you—there will be ponies at the apple picking festival.

Lisa:Oh!

Principal Skinner:No, I'm just kidding. There won't be.

Lisa:Oh.

Principal Skinner:A dance? Well, I suppose that could be educational...

Alex:Actually, sir, we were hoping you'd say yes.

Principal Skinner:Oh! Well, in that case, absolutely not!

Homer:Let's see... a kid's acne... that's gotta be worth something. Hmm, if I can just squeeze out enough pus to fill a bucket...

Homer:At current grease prices, that's gotta be worth... carry the one... about $47.

Fast food worker:Can I help you?

Homer:Yeah, I'll have a double cheeseburger with extra grease, a large fries cooked in grease, and a grease shake.

Fast food worker:Sir, are you okay? You're covered in grease and you smell like a deep fryer.

Homer:That's because I AM a deep fryer!

Bart:Mom's gonna kill you.

Homer:Your mother should've hidden the keys better.

Homer:Hey! You're stealing my grease!

Grease bandits:Yeah, so what? The whole grease trade is controlled by organized crime. We're just small-time operators trying to make a living.

Homer:Organized crime? Over grease?

Homer:My shovel! Those grease bandits stole my shovel!

Grease bandits:We're expanding our operations. Now we're stealing shovels too.

Homer:A grease bandit monopoly on shovels? This is the worst day of my life!

Alex:You know Lisa, that outfit would look great on you if you lost a few pounds.

Student:D.M.Y.

Lisa:I'm supposed to be concerned about my appearance, my grades, my future, fitting in, climate change, student debt, healthcare reform, and Fox News bias.

Lisa:I'm eight years old!

Marge:Homer, why don't you try emu farming?

Homer:Emu farming? Marge, emus are tall and angry. Plus, they can kick.

Homer:Forget it.

Homer:Marge said I should try a new hobby instead of just sitting around.

Homer:A new hobby! As if I don't already have plenty to keep me busy with my grease recycling business.

Martin:Huckleberries are a delightful fruit, rich in antioxidants and quite versatile in their culinary applications.

Student:Yeah, well, huckleberries are like, uh... they're tough, man. Real tough. I eat 'em raw, no big deal.

Lisa:I'm feeling quite desultory about this anthropomorphic situation.

Lisa:The epistemological ramifications are simply too magnanimous to ignore.

Lisa:Milhouse, I need you to help me with my science project.

Milhouse:Really? You mean like... on a date?

Lisa:Sure, whatever. You'll receive a 40% cut of my grade improvement and a juice box.

Lisa:Oh no, I've been acting terribly.

Milhouse:Really? Because I think you're wonderful!

Homer:Dear God, I know I don't pray much, but I'm about to do something really stupid. So if you could just look the other way for like ten minutes, that'd be great. Amen.

Homer:God, I'm negotiating here! Can't you just give me a sign? A little help? Maybe a winning lottery ticket?

Homer:You know what? Forget it. I'm done with you. We're through. I'll do this myself.

Homer:Dear God, I know we don't talk much, but I'm in a real jam. If you get me out of this, I promise I'll be a better man. I'll go to church every Sunday, I'll read the Bible, I'll even stop watching dirty magazines.

Homer:Well, not stop exactly, but I'll feel really bad about it.

Homer:Oh, who am I kidding? Please, God, just help me this once and I swear I'll... Oh, forget it.

Marge:Lisa, honey, I'm trying to help you make your own cola at home. It'll save us money!

Lisa:But Mom, I'm not sure this is a good idea. What's even in this?

Marge:Well, I found this recipe online. It's mostly carbonated water, corn syrup, and... caramel coloring?

Homer:Marge, did you taste it yet?

Marge:Of course, Homer. It's actually not that bad.

Homer:*takes a sip* Dear God, it tastes like liquid tar mixed with regret.

Lisa:See? This is why we should just buy the real thing.

Marge:Well, we saved 50 cents!

Marge:Oh sweetie, you're not a baby. You're a big girl now.

Lisa:But Mom, I feel so small and helpless sometimes.

Marge:Well, you know what? Even babies grow up. Look at Maggie - she'll be walking and talking before you know it.

Homer:Yeah, and then she'll be doing calculus and competing in the Olympics like those Brazilian super-babies.

Marge:Homer, what are you talking about?

Homer:You know, the ones on TV! They're like three years old and they're already bench-pressing cars and speaking five languages!

Marge:You know, Lisa, if you just think positive thoughts, everything will work out fine.

Lisa:Mom, Dad just lost his job, we're behind on the mortgage, and there's a notice on the door from the bank.

Marge:I know, but optimism costs nothing!

Lisa:Actually, it costs everything we have left.

Homer:Aye, I'm from Scottyland, a wee town called Glenmorangie-upon-Haggis.

Willie:That's nae even a real place, ye numpty!

Homer:Well, it was real enough last night after I had some Scotch.

Willie:Homer, ye claim tae be of Scottish descent. Let me test yer knowledge. What's the capital of Scotland?

Homer:Uh... Edinburgh!

Willie:Aye, that's right. Now, what's me hometown?

Homer:Um... Scotland?

Willie:That's the whole country, ye numpty! It's Kirkwall, in the Orkney Islands. And ye claim tae have Scottish blood? Ye dinnae even know where the finest groundskeeper in all of Springfield comes from!

Homer:Willie keeps beating me up!

Willie:Aye, well I'll accommodate ye, lad. From now on, I'll just strangle ye instead.

Principal Skinner:I'm afraid I have to leave immediately. My mother's been in an accident.

Ned Flanders:Oh no! Is she alright?

Principal Skinner:Well, she's stuck in the washing machine again. I told her not to crawl in there looking for loose change, but does she listen to me? No!

Lisa:Alex, you should enjoy being a kid while you can. You can pick your nose, eat dirt, and nobody cares.

Alex:That does sound pretty good.

Lisa:Exactly. Once you're an adult, you have to pretend you never did any of those things, even though everybody did.

Student:Hey, it's snowing!

Student:Wait, this tastes like grease.

Student:And it tastes like food!

Student:It's like... chunky, warm, slippery goo.

Luigi:Free pizza! Everybody gets free pizza!

Luigi:Why-a nobody eating? Why you playing in-a the grease?

Willie:Ach! Ye cannae be playin' in that grease!

Student:Oh, come on Willie. Act your age.

Willie:I am actin' me age!

Student:You're playing in grease.

Willie:Aye, and when I was a wee lad, that's exactly what we did!