The Last Temptation Of Krust

Bart:Why do we need church shoes? Jesus didn't wear any.

Homer:That's why he got crucified, boy. Poor athletic performance.

Marge:Homer, isn't that the same bird you've been fighting with all week?

Homer:Oh, so now you're taking his side! Well listen here, you feathered egghead, we both know you started this!

Shoe salesman:This shoe works for the office, for a night out on the town, for a casual dinner with friends, for a business meeting, for a funeral, for a wedding, for jogging, for swimming, for skydiving, for a colonoscopy, for jury duty, and for shoe shopping!

Homer:Kids! I got brown shoes!

Bart:Brown shoes? Dad, that's the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

Homer:I can't try on shoes without socks.

Shoe salesman:No problem, we have a communal sock.

Homer:A communal sock? You mean lots of people have worn it?

Shoe salesman:Yeah, but we wash it... sometimes.

Homer:Uh, I'll just buy these shoes without trying them on.

Shoe Salesman:I'd lace them up for you, but my back is killing me.

Bart:Dude, you're a shoe salesman. That's like, the ONE job you should be able to do.

Shoe salesman:You know, back pain is just a sign of moral weakness. You need to toughen up, work through it. A little suffering builds character.

Homer:But my back is killing me!

Shoe salesman:That's what I'm talking about. Stop complaining and push yourself harder. No pain, no gain!

Marge:Well, they're not too big. They're just... room for growth.

Lisa:Mom, they're three sizes too large.

Marge:Yes, but children are always late for their growth spurts. It's like they miss their appointments!

Woman:Well, the humor has to be intelligent, sophisticated, and above all, it must never punch down at marginalized communities. It should celebrate diversity, challenge power structures, and make us think deeply about society's injustices.

Festival Promoter:Yeah, yeah, sure. Hey! A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, 'Why the long face?' Get it?

Woman:Wait, I wasn't finished with my criteria—

Homer:So we're raising money for old sea dogs?

Lisa:Dad, it's for old *seadogs*, the animal sanctuary. Not actual dogs.

Homer:I know what a seadog is, Lisa. It's a pirate who's been at sea so long he forgets what land looks like. We should be raising money for their legal defense.

Jay Leno:Kid, you need to watch more TV. You don't even know who I am.

Bart:Should I?

Jay Leno:I'm just kidding. I'm Jay Leno, host of The Tonight Show.

Jay Leno:Yeah, I remember when Krusty supposedly died. They said he was crushed by a giant waffle iron while trying to make a Belgian waffle.

Krusty:How much am I getting paid for this charity thing?

Festival promoter:Nothing, it's for charity.

Krusty:Nothing? I make more money sweating!

Krusty:Yeah, I gotta do community service. It's part of my sentence.

Krusty:I stole some pants from a department store. Cheap ones too!

Homer:I read the dictionary today.

Homer:Turns out the zebra did it.

Lisa:The dictionary isn't a mystery, Dad. It's just a book that explains what words mean.

Homer:Oh, I understand now.

Lisa:Really?

Homer:No, not at all.

Female comedian · Female comedian:I got my period today. / Plus, I got this new boyfriend. You know how it is when you're kissing a guy with a tongue stud.

Announcer:For over 40 years, Krusty the Clown has been a beloved icon of American television. Here's what legendary actor Burt Reynolds has to say about him.

Burt Reynolds:Krusty's the best. I love that guy.

Announcer:That quote is from 1959.

Krusty:I tried one of those TV dinners. The dessert was so hot, I had to treat it like electrical equipment that shorts out.

Krusty:You know what the problem with TV dinners is? They're like my show — full of recycled material!

Krusty the Clown:You know what I don't understand? These TV dinners. You got your little compartments, your little meat, your little potatoes. What's the deal with that?

Heckler:Yeah, what IS the deal with TV dinners, Krusty? Oh wait, it's 2024. Nobody cares about TV dinners anymore because they've been obsolete for 40 years. Maybe try making jokes about things that actually exist?

Krusty:Me so solly, me so solly!

Modern comedian:Yeah, well I've got a rake.

Krusty:What's the matter? You don't like it? Well, I got more where that came from!

Krusty:Hey, hey! Look at this!

Bart:Wow, that was amazing!

Lisa:What was?

Bart:That sandwich I made. Best one yet.

Lisa:Don't worry, Krusty. The audience probably couldn't hear you because of technical difficulties.

Comedian:Krusty's been dead on stage so many times, I'm gonna start calling him 'Corpsey'

Review reader:This restaurant has no exceptions to its five-star success.

Review reader:Well, except for the food.

Krusty:You always gotta think positive. That's what show business is all about.

Mr. Teeny:Idiot!

Krusty:Wait, are you a man or a skeleton?

Sideshow Mel:I'm a man, Krusty. I'm just very thin and very pale.

Krusty:Well, you're scaring my customers away!

Sideshow Mel:You know, Krusty, you've been a real grouch ever since you quit drinking.

Kent Brockman:Well, hello there, children. I'm Bobo the Clown.

Kent Brockman:Now, who wants to hear about the municipal bond crisis? It affects you!

Kent Brockman:That's right, laugh it up. The levity is scientifically proven to reduce cortisol levels.

Kent Brockman:Krusty the Clown is missing. He could be on vacation, or he could be dead. We're checking both possibilities with equal enthusiasm.

Kent Brockman:This just in: A local man has been arrested for throwing a clock out a window. He's accused of killing time.

Child 1:Is he dead?

Child 2:I think so. Should we call an ambulance?

Child 3:Nah, he's a bad guy. He ripped us off with those defective Krusty dolls.

Child 4:Yeah, and he never paid his taxes.

Child 1:So... we just keep poking him?

Child 2:Yeah, keep poking him.

Krusty:My liver's killin' me, doc. I can barely move.

Doctor:You need to stop drinking immediately.

Krusty:Quit drinkin'? What am I supposed to do, just sit around and think about my problems? I got an idea—we develop an elaborate system of hand signals and eye blinks so I can communicate without movin' my body!

Krusty's mother:What's that awful smell?

Krusty:That's me, Ma. I ain't bathed since the Korean War.

Krusty:Look at all this merchandise! Action figures, lunch boxes, trading cards... I'm rich!

Krusty:But wait a minute... why am I endorsing a deodorant? I'm a clown! We're supposed to smell like rubber noses and desperation!

Bart:Hey Krusty, try some of Krusty Brand Q-Tips.

Krusty:Ow! These are worse!

Bart:Yeah, well, try some Krusty Brand Aspirin.

Krusty:Yeah, yeah, observational comedy. I got one. You ever notice how every morning, my butler has to adjust my sock garters? Universal experience, am I right?

Homer:Oh my God! Bart, there's a guy in the shower with a rubber ducky, Marge is doing her hair, Lisa's reading a book, Maggie's in the tub, and is that a yeti?

Jay Leno:Don't run with scissors. Don't talk to strangers. Don't eat yellow snow. Look both ways before you cross the street. Wear your seatbelt. Eat your vegetables. Brush your teeth. Go to bed early. Don't stay out late. Call if you're going to be late. Don't do drugs. Don't drink and drive. Don't have premarital sex. Don't forget to write. Don't forget to call. Don't forget to visit. Don't spend all your money. Don't lose your mittens. Don't forget your lunch. Don't leave the house without clean underwear. What if you get in an accident?

Krusty:Hey, hey! You ever notice how nobody uses phone books anymore? I mean, what's the deal with phone books?

Audience member:Because we have the internet!

Krusty:Oh... yeah. Right. Well, this show's over!

Krusty:You ever notice how they make bubble wrap? They take a sheet of plastic, they put air in it... then they POP it all out! What's the point?! Why not just sell me the sheet?! I'm not paying for air! Oh wait, I am... that's the whole thing, isn't it?

Krusty:Look, I'm telling you, the old-fashioned comedy is the best comedy. You got your slapstick, your puns, your pratfalls...

Krusty:These modern comedians, what do they do? They read typos off their chins like it's some kind of art form!

Krusty:Perfectly captures self-deprecating observational comedy style

Krusty:Female comedians, they're not funny. Their material stinks. You know who's funny? Andrew Dice Clay. Now THAT'S a comedian!

Krusty:What's the deal with these network executives? They're killing my show with their stupid notes!

Audience:[laughter]

Krusty:I'm serious! They want me to do more pratfalls, less actual comedy. It's ridiculous!

Audience:[more laughter]

Krusty:Wait a minute... are you people laughing AT me or WITH me?

Audience:[huge laughter and applause]

Krusty:Aha! So my authentic gripes are actually funny! Who knew complaining is comedy gold?

Moe:Yeah, hi, I'm Moe. You know, I've been tending bar for thirty years, and I gotta say, I've learned a lot about people. But when it comes to the ladies, well, let's just say they know me as that threatening lurker who hangs around outside their apartment buildings at night.

Apu:Without further ado...

Apu:...Apu!

Krusty:You know what really grinds my gears? Dead celebrities selling products. Like, have some dignity!

Krusty:Can you imagine a horror movie star pitching bathroom products? 'This toilet paper will rip your ass to shreds!'

Krusty:Hey, hey! Now we got a real classy endorsement. Presenting the great Abraham Lincoln!

Abraham Lincoln:Four score and seven years ago—

Krusty:Lincoln! Tell 'em about Krusty's new bratwurst!

Abraham Lincoln:I would never sully the Union I fought to preserve by endorsing a German hot dog chain.

Krusty:You see this? I'm burning money to protest corporate greed!

Audience member:But sir, isn't that illegal?

Krusty:Illegal? Kid, I'd break any law for a symbolic gesture!

Agnes Skinner:Seymour, you're burning that money all wrong. You're supposed to let it burn completely, not wave it around like a fool.

Seymour Skinner:Mother, I'm doing it exactly as the protest organizers instructed.

Agnes Skinner:Well, the protest organizers are idiots. Back in my day, we knew how to properly destroy currency.

Lisa:If we really want to keep our money safe from corporate influence, we should bury it in the ground like squirrels do.

Marge:Lisa, that's just going to get wet and moldy.

Lisa:Exactly, then it'll be worthless and no corporation will want it.

Homer:You know what? I'm gonna be honest from now on, just like Krusty!

Marge:That's wonderful, Homie.

Homer:Marge, your blue hair makes you look like a smurf. Bart, you're a little delinquent. Lisa, nobody cares about your saxophone. And Maggie, you're a baby.

Marge:Homer!

Bart:Ay caramba!

Marge:Well, if we're being honest, Homer, you've gained a lot of weight.

Homer:D'oh!

Corporate Executive:We'd like Krusty to endorse our new SUV, the Canyonero.

Krusty:Canyonero? That's the most ridiculous name I've ever heard!

Corporate Executive:It's a focus-group tested, demographically optimized name designed to evoke ruggedness and adventure.

Krusty:It sounds like something you'd make up if you were trying too hard.

Krusty:Free? Did you say free?

Executive:Yes, the car is completely free.

Krusty:Free... I like the sound of that.

Executive:You can have it for free right now.

Krusty:Stop saying free! Stop it! What's wrong with you?!

Executive:But sir, it's free—

Krusty:AHHHHH! Get that word away from me!

Krusty:Hey there, folks! Krusty the Clown here with the all-new Canyonero! It's got a V8 engine and it only runs on electricity. It seats thirty-five comfortably... or fifty if you jam 'em in there real good. And check out this panoramic sunroof — it's completely opaque!

Krusty:Hey, hey! You know what really grinds my gears? Audience members who don't laugh at my jokes!

Krusty:And another thing — my agent won't return my calls! It's been three weeks!

Krusty:Plus, the coffee in my dressing room is always cold. Always!

Krusty:And don't even get me started on the way the prop department folds my oversized pants. It's disrespectful!

Krusty:Also, my personal physician says my cholesterol is too high, and it's all this studio's fault for having such delicious craft services!

Krusty:You know, I started out in this business to make people laugh. Entertainment, that was the dream. But somewhere along the way... I realized my true nature.

Krusty:It's not about the laughs. It's about the commercialization. The merchandise, the licensing deals, the corporate synergy. That's what really gets me going.

Announcer:The all-new Turbo Deluxe 3000. With racing stripes, dual exhausts, and a horn that plays La Cucaracha. It's the car for you!

Announcer:*in fast disclaimer voice* Warning: It is illegal to drive this car in any state, county, or municipality. Do not operate on public roads, private roads, or in your driveway. Illegal to even look at. If you own this car, you are breaking the law.