Dumbbell Indemnity

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Hey Milhouse, look at all this snow!

Milhouse:This is awesome!

Bart:Yeah, we're having an epic snowball fight!

Milhouse:Wait... Bart, this is Texas.

Bart:Oh.

Bart:Hey Lisa, catch!

Lisa:Ow! What the—these snowballs have nuts in them!

Bart:That's the point, man. Nutty snowballs!

Homer:Did your mother tell you to take a bath?

Bart:Ay caramba, man. When did I start listening to what she says?

Homer:No water heater? That's never stopped me before. I just use the hose in the backyard, or a bucket of rainwater, or sometimes I just roll around in the dirt like a pig. It's called living off the grid, man.

Homer:Why you little! D'oh!

Homer:A household emergency? That sounds serious. I better get to Moe's right away!

Homer:To my wife, the most important person in my life. Without you, I'd be lost. You complete me. You make every day worth living. I love you more than donuts, more than beer, more than... avoiding you.

Moe:Having a wife is like having a rash. It itches, it's annoying, and no matter what you do, you can't get rid of it.

Moe:I've been alone so long, I can't even remember the word for it.

Moe:You know, that thing with the... the long hair and the... the soft skin?

Barney:A sheep?

Moe:No, no, no! A... a woman! That's it, woman!

Moe:They call me Joe Puke-Pail.

Moe:Yeah, well, you know, I'd have to beat 'em off with a stick.

Homer:You'd have to beat 'em off with a stick?

Moe:A big stick.

Moe:Why can't I get women?

Homer:Well Moe, you're old, you're ugly, you smell like a brewery, and you don't have any money.

Moe:Yeah, but other than that?

Homer:Other than that, you're a great guy.

Moe:Women can smell fear, Homer. I'm tellin' ya, they can smell the panic on me.

Homer:Don't worry, Moe. You smell fine to me.

Moe:Yeah? What do I smell like?

Homer:Like... uh... old pennies and broken dreams.

Homer:Way to go, Moe. The whole bar saw that.

Moe:So what'll it be, gorgeous? A cosmopolitan? A margarita? An ice-cold Duff?

Moe:Duff: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

Woman:Do you work for Bacardi?

Moe:No, but I do now, baby. Because you just set my heart on fire.

Moe:I'm never gonna find a woman. I'm ugly, I'm old, I'm overweight, and... dead.

Barney:You're not dead, Moe.

Moe:Well, I might as well be.

Woman:Here's a daffodil for you.

Moe:Aw, thanks. A daffy-dil! That's a nice flower.

Moe:If he thinks you're gorgeous, there's gotta be something wrong with ya. Maybe you got a club foot or something.

Moe:So, uh, Renee, I've been wonderin'... are ya, uh, built for speed or comfort?

Renee:Well Moe, judging by your technique so far, I'd say you're built for neither.

Moe:Brain damage from boxing, that's my problem.

Moe:Hey, you brairs want a drink?

Renee:That's a nice bow tie.

Moe:Yeah, well, it's gotta be. It's the only thing people look at.

Moe:So what do you say, Renee? Will you go out with me?

Renee:I don't know, Moe. You're not really my type.

Moe:Not your type? I'm a catch! I'm like a gargoyle, but with better personality.

Moe:Renee, I got us the finest cut of meat money can buy. It's toilet seat-sized!

Moe:I got a date! Can you believe it? A real live woman agreed to go out with me!

Moe:Hey cat, you hear that? Moe Szyslak's got a date!

Homer:Hey Moe, what are you doing with that cat?

Moe:Just celebrating with my new pal here.

Homer:Uh, Moe? You're... you're kissing the cat, aren't you?

Moe:So what if I am?

Moe:I'll have your finest food stuffed with your second finest food.

Waiter:Ah yes, our beef wellington wrapped in a lobster.

Moe:Now that's what I'm talking about!

Renee:Well, he's got that salt-of-the-earth charm. Plus, he's a bartender, so he's always got a sympathetic ear. And honestly, he's the only guy who's ever paid attention to me.

Renee:He's got that rugged, weathered look. Like a catcher's mitt that's been left out in the sun for twenty years.

Renee:And his voice! It's like gravel being poured into a blender. Really turns me on.

Renee:Plus, he smells like stale beer and broken dreams. It's intoxicating.

Moe:You know, I'm a romantic at heart. I like to do thoughtful things for the people I care about.

Barney:Like what?

Moe:Well, last night I bought Renee some flowers and told her she had beautiful eyes.

Barney:That's sweet, Moe.

Moe:Yeah, well, I told her I'd been watching her through her bedroom window for three weeks to really get to know her.

Moe:I bought out the theater so I could finally have a place where I don't gotta deal with people. I can just sit here alone, in the dark, watchin' movies and drinkin' beer.

Moe:And if anyone tries to come in here, I got a shotgun behind the concession stand. First one through that door gets a face full of buckshot.

Florist:Hahahaha! 'Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a Gemini'?

Moe:What's so funny about that?

Florist:Nothing, nothing. It's sweet.

Moe:You laughin' at me? I'll twist your head off and spit down your neck!

Moe:I gotta get some flowers for my girlfriend. Women love flowers, right?

Barney:Yeah, they're a real panty-dropper.

Moe:So I'll get some roses.

Barney:Nah, nah, nah. Red roses say 'I love you.' You want yellow ones.

Moe:Yellow? What do yellow ones say?

Barney:'Please don't leave me, I'm nothing without you.'

Moe:I'm so broke, I had to sell my blood. They took one look and said, 'We'll give you a nickel.' I said, 'For a pint?' They said, 'No, for the whole thing — we're doing you a favor.'

Moe:You ungrateful ingrates!

Moe:Homer, I need money badly. Would you consider selling one of your organs?

Homer:Well, I don't know, Moe. How much are we talking about?

Moe:I can give you $500 for a kidney.

Homer:A kidney? That's it? I got two of those. What about my liver?

Moe:Your liver's not worth much, Homer.

Homer:Not worth much? I'll throw in the liver and a stomach and you give me a trade-in value on my pancreas.

Homer:Why don't you sell your car, Moe?

Moe:My car? Why would I sell my car?

Homer:You could use the money.

Moe:Well, I suppose I could sell my cah. But who'd want this piece of junk? It's worth-less!

Moe:Homer, I need you to steal my car back from the impound.

Homer:Moe, I can't do that. Stealing is wrong. I have principles.

Moe:Homer, you once stole a truck full of donuts.

Homer:Those were free donuts, Moe. Totally different.

Moe:Come on Homer, I need your help with something.

Homer:What is it, Moe?

Moe:Well, you know how you're always driving home drunk from my bar?

Homer:Yeah, so?

Moe:Well, I've been enabling that the whole time by serving you all those drinks!

Homer (fantasy Marge):Why, you're a very smart man, Homer. Much smarter than all those silly, silly people at work. You should steal the nuclear rod and we could sell it and buy a nice new TV.

Homer:Mmm... olive.

Moe:Alright, here's the plan. We get some rope, tie it around the support beam, loop it over to the left, then we attach it to a pulley system that runs along the rafters, then it comes down and across through that gap in the wall over there, up through the window, across the street, and into my bar, where I tie it to a stool. Then, you pull the stool, the rope goes taut, the support beam comes down, and—*BAM*—you got yourself a dead guy.

Homer:That's a great plan, Moe! This should solve all your problems.

Moe:Yeah, well, at least for a few weeks.

Lisa:Dad, why are you wearing black?

Homer:I don't know, Lisa. Why is anyone wearing anything? Are we just covering up our shame? Or are clothes a cry for help in a world that doesn't care? What even is black? It's the absence of color, but it's also everything at once. We're all just wearing the void, Lisa. The void wears us.

Homer:I'm going out and I don't want anyone following me. I'm doing something very important and very secret.

Homer:Don't ask me where I'm going or what I'm doing, because I won't tell you.

Marge:Homer, what are you up to?

Homer:I said don't ask! Now stop asking before I accidentally tell you I'm going to the... uh... the place. Yeah.

Bart:Dad, you're the worst spy ever.

Homer:Quiet, boy! You're blowing my cover!

Moe:Officer, I got nothing to hide. I was at the bar all night. Ask anybody.

Police Officer:We did. They all say you weren't there.

Moe:Well, they're lying! Say, you guys like cars? I got a beautiful 1987 Chevy out front. Why don't you take a look at it? Real beauty. Mint condition.

Lou:Wow, would you look at that parking job.

Eddie:That's the straightest I've ever seen it.

Lou:It's beautiful, man.

Homer:Well, I'm off to steal my first car. How hard can it be?

Marge:Homer, you can't steal a car!

Homer:Don't worry, Marge. I've thought this through. I'll be a professional car thief by tonight. Maybe I'll have my own gang by next week.

Bart:Dad, you'll get caught in like five minutes.

Homer:Ay caramba, Bart! You're thinking like a quitter. I'm thinking like a winner. A criminal winner!

Security Guard:Hey! Stop right there!

Homer:D'oh!

Security Guard:I'm calling the police!

Homer:Why you...

Security Guard:Oof!

Homer:Finally! The perfect car for the mission. Now I can...

Homer:Wait, is that a movie theater? Ooh, they're showing the new action flick!

Homer:The mission can wait. Mmm... popcorn.

Homer:Hail to the Chimp? What kind of ridiculous movie is this?

Movie:A trained chimpanzee has gone rogue and is attacking the president!

Homer:Ha! That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

Moe:Look at that beautiful train coming down the tracks. The way the moonlight glints off its steel exterior. The rhythmic clickety-clack of the wheels. It's like a symphony of love.

Renee:That's... oddly specific, Moe.

Moe:And any second now, it's gonna barrel right through the parking lot and destroy my car. Ain't she a beaut?

Homer:D'oh! I missed the train! Now I gotta destroy the car to make it look like an accident for the insurance claim.

Renee:We had a wonderful evening. The police took us out to this beautiful spot by the lake, showed us the stars, told us jokes.

Renee:Then they beat up a swan.

Moe:Oh, that's my car. Yeah, I'm taking it to the crusher to get it—

Moe:I mean, uh, to the car wash. Yeah, the car wash.

Moe:No! My car! You're gonna wreck my— Wait, wait, wait. Oh, that's beautiful. That's the best thing that ever happened to that car.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Chief Wiggum:If Homer can hold his breath that long, he could've swum to safety.

Lou:Yeah, Chief, that don't make no sense.

Chief Wiggum:Well, if he can hold his breath underwater, he's probably some kinda fish-man hybrid. We should be looking for him in the ocean.

Moe:Homer, how could you?! I trusted you! You were supposed to be my friend!

Homer:But Moe, you told me to steal the car!

Moe:I don't know what you're talking about. All I know is my best friend betrayed me.

Photographer:Turn your head to the left... now to the right. Work with me here. That's it, give me smoldering. Smoldering!

Homer:But I'm a criminal.

Photographer:Exactly! The bad boy look is very in right now. Now pout those lips and think of something sad. Your mortgage? Perfect!

Chief Wiggum:Well Homer, your fingerprints are quite unique... almost as unique as your eyes.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Look, it's not insurance fraud if I'm doing it for the family!

Marge:Homer, that's exactly what insurance fraud is.

Homer:Well, technically, I'm committing it WITH love.

Marge:Homer, you're going to jail!

Homer:Don't worry, Marge. Moe will bail me out. He's my best friend.

Homer:I got three cigarettes. What'll you give me for 'em?

Fellow prisoner:Two cigarettes.

Homer:Two? That's highway robbery! I'm getting outta here.

Fellow prisoner:Wait, wait. Two cigarettes and a pudding cup.

Homer:You got yourself a deal.

Homer:You're the reason I'm in jail, Moe!

Moe:Yeah, well, life's full of surprises, Homer.

Homer:Come on, Moe. Just one more drink.

Moe:Homer, I know that look. You're doing the puppy dog eyes thing again, and it ain't gonna work this time.

Renee:Moe, you're not sweating. What's different about you?

Moe:Well, I took a shower for once in my life.

Homer:Hawaii! Hawaii! I gotta get to Hawaii!

Guard:Could you please stop yelling about Hawaii?

Homer:HAWAII!

Guard:I'm begging you. Any other state. Yell about Florida, yell about Nevada, I don't care. Just please stop saying Hawaii.

Police Chief Wiggum:We're gonna put you in the chair, Simpson.

Homer Simpson:The electric chair?! No!

Police Chief Wiggum:It's just an interrogation chair.

Homer:You've been watering down the drinks, Moe!

Moe:Well, technically I've been watering them up.

Moe:Renee, I gotta tell ya somethin' serious.

Renee:Oh my God, you're gay?

Moe:No! Why would you—

Renee:You're dying?

Moe:No, I'm not—

Renee:You're already dead and this is Hell?

Moe:No! I just... I'm in love with you.

Renee:Oh. Well, that's sweet. But I can't date someone who looks like you.

Moe:It's not what you think! I'm not bald, I shave my head this way on purpose!

Moe:Alright, alright, I ain't turning myself in. I got a plan. First, I'll dye my hair blonde, get some colored contacts, maybe a fake mustache...

Moe:Then I'll steal a boat, sail to International waters, and live on an island under the assumed name of 'Juan Carlos Montoya'...

Moe:But if that don't work, I'll have myself cryogenically frozen and wake up in the year 3000 when all my crimes are expired!

Moe:And if THAT don't work, I'll fake my own death by blowin' up my bar with me inside it, then crawl outta the wreckage wearing a skeleton costume...

Moe:Nobody looks for a dead guy, see?

Renee:Yeah, that's a great plan. I'll just go along with your elaborate corpse-switching scheme. What could possibly go wrong?

Homer:Moe, I'm gonna kill you!

Homer:Wheeee! Swinging is fun!

Homer:Now where was I? Oh yeah, I'm gonna kill you!

Homer:Wheeeee!

Moe:Mommy?

Homer:I'm not your mommy, I'm Homer!

Moe:But you smell like mommy...

Moe:Homer, I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you. Can you ever forgive me?

Homer:Forgive you? Moe, you've been my best friend all these years. Of course I forgive you.

Moe:Really? Just like that?

Homer:Well, you're the only one who keeps my beer cold and my glass full. How could I stay mad at you?

Homer:Moe, don't worry. You'll rebuild this bar and it'll be even better than before. You know why? Because you're a hard worker and a good man.

Moe:Really, Homer? You think so?

Homer:No, I'm just saying that because you're so pathetic, I felt bad.

Marge:Children, don't look at anything.

Bart:Hey Dad, what's this machine?

Homer:Uh... it's a, uh... soda machine, boy.

Bart:But it says 'Rubbers' on it.

Homer:Oh! Those are, uh... novelty erasers. Very hard to find.