Das Bus

Noah:So the ark is, what, 300 cubits long? Give or take?

God:300 cubits EXACTLY. Not give or take.

God:*thunderclap*

Noah:Do I have to save the stink beetles?

God:Especially the stink beetles!

Bart:Dude, God is like, totally awesome.

Lisa:God is my favorite fictional character.

Bart:Can we stay up and watch the biblical flood movie?

Homer:No, it's a school night.

Bart:But Dad, it's got tons of drowning!

Lisa:Remember when you stayed up all night to watch Troy McClure in 'The Ten Commandments: The Wrath of Khan'?

Marge:That's not a real movie, Lisa.

Lisa:What about 'Jonah: Part II' or 'The Book of Exodus: The Director's Cut'?

Homer:I remember 'Sodom and Gomorrah: The Musical.' That was terrible.

Lisa:The sleep deprivation will impair your cognitive function, which will negatively impact your academic performance, creating a cumulative deficit that—

Bart:Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a pretty sweet argument. You should be a lawyer or something.

Lisa:Thank you, Bart. So you'll go to bed?

Bart:No way. But I respect the hustle.

TV Announcer:We now return to our regularly scheduled program.

News Anchor:This just in: Local man Noah Zuckerman has been arrested and charged with the murder of over 200 animals found dead in his basement.

Mr. Burns:I have smallpox.

Doctor:But smallpox has been eradicated.

Mr. Burns:Well, I'm very old.

Teacher:We really need to bone up on our studies.

Students:Hehehehe.

Ralph:We put a man on the sun. At night.

Ralph:I invented a device that lets you see sounds and hear colors.

Ralph:I call it the soundoscope-o-vision.

Ralph:When I press this button, purple tastes like Tuesday.

Lisa:Bart, that joke was completely inappropriate with all those bone innuendos.

Bart:Geez, Lisa, grow up. It's just a joke.

Student:Libya's main exports include oil, natural gas, and...

Student:...um, also bananas? No wait, they don't have bananas. But they have... sand? Yes, very fine sand. And camels. Do they export camels? I think so. Also carpets maybe. And those little lamps. You know the ones.

Student:Anyway, in conclusion, Libya is a country with stuff, and that's why it's important.

Student:Mr. Johnson, you have to stop Ralph from hitting people!

Teacher:I'm afraid I can't do that.

Student:Why not?

Teacher:Ralph has diplomatic immunity. He's the delegate from the Model UN club.

Lisa:I'd like to make a serious point of order.

Nelson:You said 'point of order'... order... ordure! Ha-ha!

Chief Wiggum:Now son, you're going to the Model UN, so I want to give you some advice. If you get a headache, just rub some butter on it. If your stomach hurts, drink some motor oil. And if you start bleeding from your ears, that's just your brain working too hard—don't worry about it.

Ned Flanders:Well, Ralph, if you keep picking your nose like that, you're gonna get a nosebleed.

Ralph Wiggum:But Mr. Flanders, you always tell me to pick my nose.

Ned Flanders:Well, yes, but not so hard, boy-diddly-boy. You gotta be gentle-diddly-entl— Oh, what's the use? Just don't do it at all!

Principal Skinner:Children are our most precious resource. We must treat them with care and respect, nurturing their minds and protecting their futures.

Principal Skinner:That's why I'm asking you all to take extra care of the school bus. It cost the district a lot of money.

Homer:Ned, what's all this mail about? You're hiding something!

Ned Flanders:Well, Homer, if you must know, I've started a little business. It's called 'Flanders' Lefty Loosey-Righty Tighty Fastener Emporium and Notary Public.'

Homer:A what now?

Ned Flanders:It's a one-stop shop for left-handed fasteners and notarization services. Got the idea during a church potluck. Perfectly legal, all above board, diddly-doodly!

Homer:A home business? But you're always at the Leftorium!

Ned:Well, Homer, the Leftorium IS my home business.

Homer:Wait, so you work FROM home? But then where do you go during the day?

Ned:I just told you, Homer. I go to work.

Homer:This is making my brain hurt.

Ned:Well, I'm mighty proud to say my Internet business is really taking off!

Homer:Eh?

Ned:I said my business is doing very well.

Homer:Eh?

Ned:My company! It's successful!

Homer:Eh?

Ned:Eh? Eh?! Homer, you're doing it!

Homer:Eh? Eh? Eh?

Marge:Homer, did you hear me? I asked you about the butter.

Homer:Marge, I'm writing memos. It's very satisfying.

Marge:Satisfying? More satisfying than talking to your wife?

Homer:Marge, please. You're distracting me from my sexual satisfaction with memo-writing.

Otto:Man, I hate this tape. All these songs are about sharing and caring.

Nelson:You're on, Simpson! Let's see what you got!

Bart:You're going down, Nelson!

Student 1:Go Team Banana!

Student 2:Team Orange rules!

Student 3:Go Team Strawberry!

Students:Yeah! Fruit power!

Milhouse:Behold! A watermelon!

Otto:Hey kids, I can't see! Can somebody give me directions?

Bart:Turn left!

Lisa:No, turn right!

Ralph:Me fail English? That's unpossible. Also, go straight!

Otto:You're all driving me crazy!

Otto:Every man for himself!

Otto:I'm outta here!

Otto:Whoa!

Lewis:Goodbye, Wendell. I'm sorry we never became friends.

Wendell:We went to school together for nine years.

Lewis:I know, but we never really hung out, you know?

Wendell:We sat next to each other in homeroom.

Lewis:Yeah, but like, outside of school...

Wendell:We were on the same bus route.

Lewis:Whatever. Goodbye.

Milhouse:I'm getting a little nauseous.

Bart:Lisa, this is all your fault!

Lisa:My fault? Bart, I didn't do anything. This is Martin's fault!

Martin:Eh?

Martin:Well, if you hadn't started this chain of events, none of this would have happened.

Milhouse:Me? I didn't do anything!

Martin:Exactly. Your inaction is what caused all of this.

Bart:Well, we're stranded on this island, but hey, at least I can curse more now!

Bart:Dang! Gosh! Heck!

Bart:So we set up monkey butler franchises all across the island.

Nelson:Ha-ha! That's genius, Simpson. We'll be rolling in bananas!

Bart:Yeah, and we can train them to do other stuff too — laundry, cooking, whatever.

Nelson:Ha-ha! Pretty soon we'll need monkey butlers to manage the monkey butlers!

Bart:Dude, we're gonna be rich!

Homer:I'll call it... The Leftorium!

Ned:Homer, that's my store.

Homer:Oh. Well, I'll call it... The Rightorium!

Marge:Homer, what exactly does your company do?

Homer:Well, we're in the business of synergizing our core competencies to optimize stakeholder value through cutting-edge digital transformation and leveraging data-driven insights to pivot our go-to-market strategy.

Marge:Homer, you work at a nuclear power plant.

Homer:I know, honey. That's why I have no idea what I just said.

Homer:Marge, I need help naming my tech company.

Marge:Well, Homer, just add 'e-' to the front of any word. E-pants, e-socks, e-burgers. Or use 'dot-com' at the end. Pants-dot-com, socks-dot-com, burgers-dot-com. You could also combine them: e-pants-dot-com!

Homer:Good afternoon. You've reached the residence of Homer J. Simpson. Please state your name and business.

Patty:Homer, it's Patty.

Homer:Oh... hi Patty.

Ralph:Mmm... poisonous.

Student:Well, the food here is kinda crummy.

Lunch Lady Doris:Kinda?!

Student:Okay, okay... it's really crummy.

Teacher:Now class, let's review what you've learned about survival skills. Who can tell me the essentials?

Student:Water, shelter, food, and monkey butlers.

Teacher:Monkey butlers?

Student:You can't survive without monkey butlers.

Otto:Whoa, dudes, thanks for saving me!

Otto:Oh yeah, we should probably save those kids too.

Otto:Hmm.

Otto:Hey man, like, totally cool! Free passage to another country? Sign me up!

Otto:The kids? Oh man, they'll be fine. Probably.

Otto:Duuuude, adventure awaits! *waves goodbye while being pulled onto ship*

Otto:Whoa, a boat! Thanks for rescuing me, dudes!

Foreign Sailor:Welcome aboard. We are heading to... a secret location.

Otto:Cool, cool. As long as there's snacks and maybe some tunes, I'm down for whatever, man.

Nelson:Ha-ha! Running from a monster? What a baby! Ha-ha!

Bart:Man, I'm so hungry I'd eat at Arby's.

Lisa:I'm so hungry, I'd eat at Arby's.

Student 1:Whoa, that's desperate!

Student 2:She must be starving!

Bart:Okay, okay, I'll stop saying 'tummy.' How about 'stomach'?

Marge:That's better, Bart.

Bart:Fine. 'Gut.' 'Belly.' 'Abdomen.' 'Guts.' 'Innards.' 'Gastrointestinal tract.' 'Meat sack.'

Homer:Mmmm... Star Trek lingerie parody.

Homer:Woo-hoo! 56K modem! Now I'm on the information superhighway!

Homer:Come on, come on... why is this taking so long? This is supposed to be high-speed!

Homer:Ah, forget it. I'm going back to the regular speed highway.

Internet King:Well, well, well, if it isn't Homer Simpson! Welcome, welcome to my humble domain. I've been expecting you.

Homer:Expecting me? But I just got here.

Internet King:Oh, everyone comes to see the Internet King eventually. Don't be scared. I don't bite. Much.

Bill Gates:Hello, I'm Bill Gates, the Internet King. I'm so rich, I own the Internet. In fact, I'm so rich, I'm going to give you a personal greeting.

Homer Simpson:Well, you see, it's a series of tubes...

Internet King:Just give me money.

Lisa:Your Honor, my client is innocent. The evidence is circumstantial at best.

Milhouse:Yeah, and Lisa told me what to say!

Lisa:Milhouse, no!

Judge Snyder:So you were coached by your attorney?

Milhouse:Totally! She's really good at making stuff up.

Judge:Nelson, you're charged with assault. How do you plead?

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Bart:Bailiff, beat him up.

Homer:Bill Gates? The richest man in the world? What's your secret?

Bill Gates:Hard work, innovation, and wise investments.

Homer:Well, I'm rich too. I've got this haircut. Cost me five bucks at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Bill Gates:That's... not how wealth works.

Homer:Are you saying my haircut isn't worth billions?

Homer:Hey Marge, look at this guy. Bill Gates, richest man in the world, and he can't even afford a decent haircut.

Marge:Homer, that's Bill Gates.

Homer:I'm finally rich! I sold my business for three million dollars!

Homer:You know what this means? I can finally afford the really expensive stuff.

Homer:Like... a solid gold toilet seat.

Homer:No wait, even better - I can hire someone to follow me around all day and laugh at my jokes!

Homer:I'm talking about REAL wealth here - being able to buy as many donuts as I want without having to choose between sprinkles or jelly filling!

Homer Simpson:So you'll give me fifty million dollars for my internet company?

Bill Gates:Actually, I'm going to destroy your company, ruin your life, and buy your house at a foreclosure auction for twelve dollars.

Homer Simpson:D'oh!

Bill Gates:I'm buying your company for its potential. We're going to streamline operations, cut unnecessary expenses, and maximize shareholder value.

Homer:Wow, really? So I keep my job?

Bill Gates:Of course. We're eliminating middle management. You're middle management.

Bart:Come on, Milhouse! You can make it!

Milhouse:I'm trying, Bart!

Bart:Almost there, buddy!

Milhouse:I made it! I'm safe!

Bart:See you, loser!

Lisa:According to UN Resolution 4715, you must cease this violence immediately!

Bart:Yeah, and I'm calling my friend Godzilla!

Homer:Did somebody say Godzilla?

Lisa:Wait, if the boar survived, that means there's fresh meat available for the whole town.

Milhouse:Yeah, about that... I didn't actually hunt anything. I just stole a roast from the grocery store.

Bart:Hey, who wants the bladder?

Lisa:Ugh, I can't believe I'm eating a boar. This is disgusting.

Narrator:And so, the town of Springfield was saved by the quick thinking and bravery of one man... Moe Szyslak.