Pringfield Or How I Learned To Stop Worr

Homer:D'oh!

Unknown citizen:Yeah, our streets are paved with gold!

Another citizen:Watch out! *crashes* I can't see the road!

Unknown citizen:That's the price of prosperity.

Beggar:Spare some change?

Citizen:No.

Beggar:Not even a dollar?

Citizen:You look perfectly capable of working.

Beggar:I have a bad back.

Citizen:Then get disability.

Grampa Simpson:Hey, spare some change, sonny?

Homer:Oh, toilet glasses. I've been looking for these everywhere!

Homer:Want me to return them?

Homer:The Pythagorean theorem states that a squared plus b squared equals c squared.

Lisa:Dad, that's only true for right triangles.

Homer:Lisa, I've been doing math my whole life. It works for all triangles.

Lisa:No it doesn't. Here, let me show you with an obtuse triangle—

Homer:I don't need to see your nerdy math. I'm right. Now leave me alone, I'm watching TV.

Henry Kissinger:I have negotiated peace in the Middle East, opened relations with China, won the Nobel Peace Prize... yet nobody remembers any of that.

Henry Kissinger:All they remember is the time I clogged the toilet at the UN.

Mr. Burns:Simpson, you're staying. I need someone stupid enough to take the fall when the EPA comes knocking.

Homer:Woohoo! I'm too dumb to get fired!

Mr. Burns:Yes, well, don't make me regret this decision.

Homer:Why is Lisa so tall all of a sudden?

Bart:Dad, I'm Bart.

Homer:Oh, I see. Well, you've really developed.

Kent Brockman:In economic news, the recent downturn has left many philosophy majors unemployed. When asked about their job prospects, one philosophy major said, 'Well, I guess that's just, like, my opinion, man.' He's still looking for work.

Unemployed person:I've been out of work for three years. I've applied everywhere, but nobody will hire me.

Kent Brockman:Well, have you tried our new job training program? We teach valuable skills like underwater basket weaving and interpretive dance.

Unemployed person:Underwater basket weaving? How is that going to help me get a job?

Kent Brockman:It won't. But it looks great on a résumé!

Kent Brockman:We'll be right back after these messages.

Kent Brockman:And now, back to the news. In a stunning turn of events, it has come to our attention that you, the viewing audience, are responsible for all of society's problems.

Kent Brockman:That's right. All of you sitting at home, watching this program instead of doing something productive with your lives.

Mayor Quimby:My fellow citizens, I have a solution to our financial crisis. We shall abandon Springfield immediately and use the remaining public funds to relocate to a more prosperous locale.

Mayor Quimby:Well, well, well. If it isn't our young friend with the saxophone and the bleeding heart.

Lisa Simpson:Mayor Quimby, I'm here to present a petition about—

Mayor Quimby:Yes, yes, very nice. You're like a little adult, except you make less sense and you haven't yet realized the futility of trying to change anything.

Mayor Quimby:Tips? Why, I'd be a fool not to use it for tips!

Grampa Simpson:You know, back in my day, we didn't have any of these fancy conveniences. We had to work hard for everything we got. We'd wake up at the crack of dawn, work until sundown, and we were grateful for every penny we earned. That's what built this country, hard work and determination. You kids today don't know the meaning of...

Grampa Simpson:*snores*

Reverend Lovejoy:Well, if the government says it's okay, who am I to argue? They're not beholden to the same ancient texts and moral codes that I am.

Mr. Burns:A casino, you say? Excellent. I can already picture the poor fools losing their life savings at my tables. And the money laundering opportunities are simply delicious. Plus, I'll finally have a legitimate excuse to break kneecaps.

Man:We all know Marge Simpson will object to gambling!

Marge:Actually, I think gambling is a wonderful way for families to bond. I fully support it.

Mayor Quimby:I have decided to stay on as mayor!

Mayor Quimby:Yes, I know I've been embezzling funds and taking bribes, but the people of Springfield need me!

Crowd:Yay! Hip hip hooray!

Construction Worker:Aahhh! Help! My leg!

Young Burns:Ha ha! The poor are so entertaining!

Mr. Burns:What was I laughing at?

Smithers:You were laughing at the crippled flower girl, sir.

Mr. Burns:Ah yes! *laughs* Bah!

Casino Designer:Mr. Burns, I've designed a British-themed casino. We'll have Big Ben, tea service, the Queen's portrait...

Mr. Burns:Rejected. Too British.

Sea Captain:Ahoy! I've got just the thing for your project, Mr. Burns!

Mr. Burns:Well, what is it?

Sea Captain:I'll build ye a ship! A mighty vessel of the seas!

Mr. Burns:You idiot, I need a nuclear cooling system, not a ship!

Lisa:Mom, I can't dress as Nevada. It makes me look like I have a weird shape.

Marge:Honey, Nevada is a beautiful state.

Lisa:Yeah, but look at it. It's all jagged and lumpy. I'd look like a blob.

Homer:Lisa, you look great in that costume. But where's the underwear? I can see right through it!

Marge:Homer!

Homer:What? I'm just saying, if people are going to look at her, at least they should see something decent underneath.

Marge:Homer, your lifelong dream was to be a casino dealer?

Homer:Well, yeah!

Marge:No, your lifelong dream was to sit on the couch and do nothing.

Homer:Oh yeah... and I'm living it!

Homer:I was on The Gong Show once. They gonged me after two seconds.

Barney:What was your act?

Homer:I was singing while eating donuts. They said it was worse than the guy who set himself on fire.

Gerry Cooney:Hey, I'm just trying to help here!

Casino patron:We don't need your help, Cooney.

Gerry Cooney:Oh... okay...

Homer:Hit me.

Homer:Uh, that's 22. You bust.

Homer:Wait, I'm the dealer. I win!

Homer:Ah, crap, I busted too. Double loss.

Senator:Homer, I'm giving you this lucky hat. It belonged to President Truman.

Homer:Wow, a lucky hat! What's so lucky about it?

Senator:Well, he wore it the day he decided not to drop the atomic bomb on Japan a second time.

Homer:So it's lucky because he didn't kill more people?

Senator:Exactly! That's the luckiest decision any president has ever made.

Grampa Simpson:I'm gonna bet it all on number 7! That's a real humdinger!

Grampa Simpson:Come on, you wooden nickel! Papa needs a new pair of spats!

Grampa Simpson:Twenty-three skidoo! I'm on a hot streak, let me tell ya!

Grampa Simpson:Now watch this, I'm gonna roll snake eyes!

Grampa Simpson:*attempts to roll dice but they fly across the room*

Homer Simpson:Dad, what the—

Grampa Simpson:I got it! I got it! Snake eyes! Well, snake everything!

Gunther:This is Anastasia. She has killed several people.

Bart:I won! I won!

Slot attendant:Congratulations, son. But first we need to verify your age.

Bart:I'm 10 years old.

Slot attendant:That's what I thought. You'll have to come back in 8 years.

Bart:Your service is terrible! I've seen better treatment at a dog pound!

Bartender:Oh yeah? Well, why don't you go find a better bar, kid?

Bart:Don't mind if I do!

Homer:Marge, you're on third base!

Marge:Homer, I'm not even playing baseball. We're having an argument.

Homer:Exactly! And you're on third base, which means you're almost home. Almost home to apologizing to me!

Marge:That's not how this works.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:I have a photographic memory.

Homer:I remember everything exactly as it happened.

Homer:Like that time I...

Homer (voiceover):Wait, that's not how that went at all.

Homer:Ahoy, hoy!

Marge:Oh, why not?

Robert Goulet:I'm a savant. I can count cards, I can sing, I can do anything.

Homer Simpson:You're like Rain Man!

Robert Goulet:I'm nothing like Rain Man. I'm talented.

Smithers:Sir, you look absolutely exhausted. Perhaps you should take a vacation?

Mr. Burns:Vacation? Smithers, I'm too busy squeezing the last drops of productivity out of my workers. Why, just yesterday I cut the thermostat down two degrees. Do you know how much that will save me?

Smithers:No, sir.

Mr. Burns:Neither do I, but it's bound to be considerable. And next week, I'm switching to a cheaper grade of toilet paper in the executive washroom. The men will adapt.

Gamblers · Dealer:Whoa! A baby on the table! That's good luck! - Snake eyes. Sorry. - Boo!

Barney:Don't call a tiger a pony, kid. That's how you get mauled.

Barney:You got a gambling problem, Marge. You gotta admit it - that's the first step.

Barney:I should know, I had the same problem... until I discovered beer.

Comedian:I don't wanna hit a sore spot, but can we talk about herpes?

Comedian:You look like you got dressed in the dark at a thrift store.

Audience member:Well, you look like you got your jokes from a cereal box.

Comedian:At least I can read.

Audience member:Yeah? Well, at least I have friends.

Comedian:...

Audience member:...

Mr. Burns:No! The germs are spreading conspiracy theories!

Germs:The government doesn't want you to know about us!

Homer:Marge, why can't you just be supportive of my gambling like a normal wife?

Marge:Homer, you've lost our house twice this month!

Homer:There you go again with your negativity. You know what your real problem is? You don't have a gambling addiction. You're boring.

Lisa:You know, it's sad when you realize you're the only one in this family with any sense of responsibility.

Homer:What are you talking about? I'm very responsible.

Lisa:Dad, you once forgot Bart at a mini-golf course for three days.

Homer:He was having fun!

Lisa:He was living in the windmill.

Homer:I'd like to book entertainment for my party.

Agent:We have a great Elvis impersonator available.

Homer:No, no. I want the real Elvis.

Agent:Sir, Elvis died in 1977.

Homer:Yeah, but he's been in Vegas since then, right?

Lisa:There's no breakfast food in this house. I'm starving!

Bart:Relax, man. I just made myself a peanut butter and sardine sandwich with marshmallow fluff and hot sauce.

Lisa:That's disgusting, Bart.

Bart:Your loss, dude.

Homer:Marge, I know you've been gambling. This has to stop!

Marge:Homer, I have a problem. I can't help myself.

Homer:A problem? Marge, you're not losing enough money! You gotta think bigger!

Mr. Burns:I've designed my own airplane. It's a marvel of engineering.

Smithers:Sir, that's a model airplane you bought at a hobby shop.

Mr. Burns:Nonsense, Smithers. I had it custom made. Now, where's the runway? I need something the size of Rhode Island.

Smithers:Sir, it's only six inches long.

Mr. Burns:Then we'll find six-inch-tall pilots. Problem solved.

Bart:The bogeyman?! Oh man, oh man, oh man! He's gonna get me! He's gonna get me! I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!

Lisa:Bart, it's just a nightmare. There's no such thing as the bogeyman.

Bart:That's what they all say, man! That's what they all say right before he drags 'em under the bed!

Homer:You know, I've done a lot of stupid things in my life, and I've never learned from any of them.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, what happened to Robert Goulet?

Smithers:I'm afraid he's dead, sir.

Mr. Burns:Dead? But I've already sold tickets! We'll have to use the celebrity backup.

Smithers:Sir, the celebrity backup is frozen.

Mr. Burns:Well thaw him out!

Lisa:I can't believe you ruined my costume!

Homer:Lisa, when you were born, the doctor slapped your mother. I didn't complain.

Homer:How do I look? I'm dressed as Florida!

Lisa:Dad, that's just a green garbage bag with a fish taped to it.

Homer:Exactly! Florida!

Lisa:Oh my God.

Homer:How's this for a Florida costume? I got the shirt, the shorts, the tan...

Lisa:Dad, that's just your regular outfit.

Homer:Exactly! I'm from Florida!

Lisa:You're from Springfield.

Homer:Yeah, but I went to Florida once.

Lisa:For one afternoon.

Homer:A tan is a tan, Lisa.

Lisa:That's a sunburn. And you're still wearing your work pants.

Homer:Gambling! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

Dealer:Snake eyes! You win!

Crowd:Woo-hoo!

Dealer:Double sixes! You win!

Crowd:Yay!

Dealer:Lucky seven! You win!

Crowd:Woohoo!

Dealer:The house is broken.

Burns:Smithers, I want that unpredictable lunatic removed from my casino at once.

Smithers:Right away, sir. Shall I have security escort him out?

Burns:No, no. Transfer him back to the nuclear plant. He's perfect for middle management.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I've decided to transfer Homer Simpson back to the power plant.

Smithers:An excellent decision, sir. I'm sure Mr. Simpson will be delighted.

Mr. Burns:Yes, yes. And Smithers, from now on, I want you to address me only through written memos. Typed on a typewriter. That has never been used before.

Smithers:Of course, sir.

Mr. Burns:And have all my food prepared in a sterile environment. Actually, make that two sterile environments. One inside the other.

Smithers:Very good, sir.

Mr. Burns:And Smithers? I'm going to need you to construct a special chamber where I can bathe in mineral oil while listening to nothing but the sound of my own heartbeat.

Smithers:Right away, sir. Shall I alert the medical staff?

Mr. Burns:Yes! And tell them to wear protective suits. Made of plastic wrap. That I provide myself.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I've decided to end my Howard Hughes phase.

Smithers:Excellent decision, sir. I'll have the staff remove all the bottles you've been using as toilets.

Mr. Burns:No! Keep those. I've grown quite attached to them.

Smithers:Sir, perhaps we should dispose of these Howard Hughes items. They're quite disturbing.

Burns:Nonsense, Smithers! I'm keeping them all. Especially this one.

Smithers:Sir, which item could possibly be more disturbing than the others?

Burns:Why, his fingernail clippings, of course! A man's fingernails are a window into his soul, Smithers.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I need you to get in the tiny model plane.

Smithers:But sir, it's only 6 inches long!

Mr. Burns:I don't care, Smithers. Get in, or I'll have you fired.

Homer:Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Blarghhh! Mmph! Woo!

Marge:Homer, slow down, take a deep breath.

Homer:Okay, okay... Mr. Burns... tried to... kill me...

Marge:What? Homer, that's ridiculous.

Homer:No, no, Marge, I'm telling you!

Homer:When the baby laughs, it makes me happy. When I'm happy, I say something stupid. When I say something stupid, Marge gets mad. When Marge gets mad, I sleep on the couch. When I sleep on the couch, I have weird dreams. When I have weird dreams, I wake up screaming. When I wake up screaming, the baby cries.

Marge:Homer, that's horrible!

Homer:I know. It's a vicious cycle.

Baby:Goo goo ga ga.

Everyone:Awww!

Marge:Homer, maybe you should talk to a professional about your problems.

Homer:A professional? Marge, I'm not made of money. I'll just talk to Barney at Moe's. He's basically a therapist.

Marge:Homer, Barney is a bartender.

Homer:Exactly. A bartender, a therapist — they both listen to your problems and charge you money. Barney's just cheaper.

Ralph:I'm Idaho!

Teacher:Yes, Ralph, very good.

Homer:Finally, I have something to lord over Marge!

Homer:Marge, I can't believe you did this. I'm very disappointed in you. You know, when I was your age, I would never break the law like that.

Marge:Homer, you've broken the law countless times.

Homer:Yeah, but I didn't get caught as much.

Marge:Homer, you have to learn to forgive and forget.

Homer:But Marge, I was just getting good at holding grudges!

Homer:So you're saying if I do something wrong, you'll forgive me?

Marge:Yes, Homer. That's what forgiveness means.

Homer:Great! So I can do it again?

Marge:No, Homer, that defeats the purpose.

Homer:Aww...