Principal Skinner announces that Mrs. Krabappel was called out of town and budget cuts dictate that, until she returns, the school's two fourth grade classes will merge. Bart reluctantly shares a desk with Nikki and develops a flirtatious rapport. Bart talks to Grampa about his new crush, and at Grampa's suggestion, gives Nikki a kiss. But when Nikki starts sending Bart mixed signals, he swears off women forever. Meanwhile, Lisa's classmates ostracize her for being an overachiever, and First Lady Michelle Obama, a self-professed nerd, comes to Lisa's defence.
WAR
42.6
Wins Above Replacement
“Stealing First Base” ranks #194 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 80.2 — Elite. The episode packs 55 scored jokes at 3.7 per minute, averaging 6.9 on craft and 6.7 on impact, with Bart landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Skinner: I prefer a dead child to a lawsuit from your parents.
Skinner Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Lawyer Mom · Homer: And we will make you regret the day Your son was born. You're halfway home, lady.
Teacher · Ralph: There was a mix-up with your test. you got An a-triple-plus. Seems the f Belonged to ralph. I cheated wrong. I copied the lisa name and used the ralph answers.
Skinner: Let's quickly prod him to the curb with this pool skimmer.
Skinner Dark/Subversive Absurdist ★ Rewatch Girl: He's dead! I love him! Oh, he's breathing. Loser.
Girl Dark/Subversive Escalation All Jokes — 55 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Lisa · GPS: Dad, a meter is three inches longer than a yard... You have missed your turn.
Lisa GPS Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Bart · Homer: That takes us into a construction site. Stupid kid thinks he's smarter than a computer.
GPS · Homer: Decrease elevation ten feet, then turn left. D'oh!
GPS Homer Physical/Slapstick Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch GPS · Homer: Decrease elevation ten feet, then turn left. D'oh!
GPS Homer Setup/Punchline Physical/Slapstick GPS · Homer: Turn right in 2.3 kilometers... Why, you... Recalculating. So cold. So cold.
Skinner: Mrs. Krabappel had to go to portland. The people she hired to deprogram her sister from that cult turned out to be an even worse cult.
Skinner Absurdist Escalation ★ Rewatch Lisa · Students: They have music on tuesdays. Their teacher takes her shoes off. Their twins are one boy, one girl.
Teacher: Is anyone here? Oh, whatever. Is anyone here? Whatever. Is anyone here? Is anyone here? Whatever. Whatever.
Bart: My parents took me to hawaii once, But I was intimidated By the physiques of the local kids, So I just stayed in the hotel room.
Bart Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Bodhi · Bart: That's cool. No, it's not cool.
Bodhi Bart Deadpan/Understatement Cringe/Discomfort Bully · Blind Student: You are so dead. Sorry. Let me get that for you. you're blind.
Nelson · Blind Student: If anyone messes with this kid, I will destroy them. It's okay. No one's messing with me. You're not a freak, And I won't let you think that about yourself. I don't think I'm a freak. So brave.
Bart · Nikki: Oh, look at you-- Opening a book so you won't have to talk to me. Well, I'm just going to be tuning up the old armpit.
Teacher · Lisa: Lisa simpson, f. An f?! Okay, this is the time when I always wake up. Come on, alarm clock, get me out of this.
Teacher · Lisa: Sorry, lisa-- this f is all too real. No it's not, dream hoover. And as long as I'm asleep, I'm going to have some fun. I can fly! Wheeee! This isn't a dream. I really did fail.
Students · Lisa: Little miss perfect. Whoa. Damn, this caterpillar can eat. damn. Damn! Do you mind?
Boy Student: Oh, man, you girls ruin everything- even vampires.
Student: And they don't put product in their hair Like this loser. They look like this. [Shows drawing]
Student Visual Gag Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Student · Other Student: Can I draw a robot barfing screws On your arm with my sharpie? I... I'd like that.
Lisa: An f. An f! I hope harvard never finds out about this.
Lisa Character Comedy Escalation Students: Ever since you got that bad grade, You seem a lot cooler. Lisa, you want to come skip rope? You can replace the tree.
Teacher · Ralph: There was a mix-up with your test. you got An a-triple-plus. Seems the f Belonged to ralph. I cheated wrong. I copied the lisa name and used the ralph answers.
Students · Lisa: Gifted! Gifted! Gifted! I'm just advanced. You can catch up. Gifted!
Homer · Bart: your mother thinks I'm working on the car. But I need to talk about man stuff. Talk to grampa. He used to be a man. He did?
Grampa · Bart: There's one sure way to find out If a girl likes you-- steal a kiss. Really? Did that ever work for you? Sure did. I remember it like it was yesterday.
Grampa: Kiss her, ya idjit!
Grampa Character Comedy Callback Callback Nelson · Bart: Say, 'haw-haw.' Haw-haw. That was great! Really great!
Lawyer Parents · Marge · Homer: Earlier today, your son engaged in inappropriate Mouth-on-mouth contact with our daughter. You mean, he kissed her? And I got to miss work?!
Homer: Well, maybe you guys should look for easier jobs.
Homer Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Lawyer Mom · Homer: And we will make you regret the day Your son was born. You're halfway home, lady.
Bart · Homer: You mean second base? Whoa, he's a little young for that.
Homer · Bart · Marge: We'll be sued into the poor house And have to eat garbage forever. That's no problem. Mom can make garbage taste great. Thank you.
Bart · Homer: If only real life was in 3-d. and the glasses smell Like the last guy who wore them had pizza.
Lisa · Reader: With mulch love-- lisa simpson. mulch love. That's cute.
Lisa · Skinner · Students: Flotus1? Who could that be? Skinner : Attention, all students. The third grade's performance of my fair lady is cancelled. I say, that's rum news. Very rum, indeed.
Homer · Marge · Bart: Oh! I finally caught one of bart's school plays. That's not bart. It's principal skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you. Yeah, now that I look closer, That guy couldn't fool anybody.
Bart · Homer: Shut up, fatso. Why you little...
Bart Homer Physical/Slapstick Running Gag Callback Student: Hey, willie, does he taste like failure?
Student Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Skinner: I can make these two kiss all day, if I have to. If you want them to keep on kissing, just keep laughing.
Skinner Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Nikki · Bart: What the hell are you doing? I'm kissing you, stupid. You're the biggest psycho I ever met. You want to stop? Absolutely not.
Military Character: A vh-60n whitehawk!
Michelle Obama · Student: I wanted just 'flotus,' but someone had it. That's me, 'cause I swim with my flotuses on.
Skinner · Michelle Obama: I'll tell them what the lesson is. He's our joe biden.
Military Character · Michelle Obama: Fifth in my class at annapolis. Scaled the summit of the highest peaks On six of seven continents. Hey, that's great. Don't forget to bring the scooper When you walk the dog.
Military · Michelle Obama: Sorry, ma'am. We can't seem to reopen the hatch to the copter. You were saying? Oh, well, I loosened it up.
Nikki · Bart: I want you to act the same way two days in a row! Ugh! I'm not gonna let you hurt me anymore.
Girl: He's dead! I love him! Oh, he's breathing. Loser.
Girl Dark/Subversive Escalation Willie · Skinner: Who knows gob-to-gob?! You know, mutton hole to mutton hole. Any physical contact violates our school's no-touch policy.
Skinner: Let's quickly prod him to the curb with this pool skimmer.
Skinner Dark/Subversive Absurdist ★ Rewatch Skinner: I prefer a dead child to a lawsuit from your parents.
Skinner Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Blind Student · Nelson: Nelson, now that the ban's been lifted, Let me touch your face. That way, I can see you with my fingers. Ew! I said your face, not your butt!
Blind Student · Nelson: Oh, you feel comfortable enough to mock me. That's for mocking me. Nelson, your punch restored my vision! I can see again!
Nelson · Kevin: Really? Kevin, that's wonder... The student has become the master!
Nikki: Oh, bart, you've got a few things To learn about women. And I will never tell you what they are.
Nikki Observational Character Comedy Bart · Nikki: I give up. Smell ya later. I love you!
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