During a field trip, Lisa discovers desert water that makes usually combative creatures get along; after getting kicked out of the retirement home, Grampa comes to live with the family.
WAR
5.1
Wins Above Replacement
“The Scorpions Tale” ranks #539 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 68.9 — Mixed. The episode packs 78 scored jokes at 4.8 per minute, averaging 6.3 on craft and 5.8 on impact, with Abe landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Homer: Walther, when a man puts something on a Frisbee, he should stand by it.
Pharmaceutical Rep: No, robots can develop human feelings. We're graduates of Arizona State.
Lisa · Homer: Bart, this is fool's porn. / I'll take it off your hands.
Principal Skinner · Superintendent Chalmers: I was going to lose my foot. / Of which you have two.
Bart: Even your acid wants out of you.
All Jokes — 78 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Bart: Hey, this was one of the planets on Star Trek.
Bart: It's so hot I want to wedgie the sun.
Bart Absurdist Character Comedy Lisa Wordplay/Pun Absurdist Edna Krabappel: Children, I hope we all have a pleasant and orderly day here at 'Satan's Anvil.'
Edna Krabappel: No one knows why the early settlers called it that, and I suppose we never will.
Superintendent Chalmers: Ha! You fall for that every year, Seymour.
Principal Skinner: And the one year I didn't, I was bitten by an actual rattlesnake.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, if I recall, you took a sick day you did not have.
Principal Skinner · Superintendent Chalmers: I was going to lose my foot. / Of which you have two.
Bart · Old Desert Man: Greetings, desert dwellers. / Git out.
Old Desert Man: It's like Grand Central Station around here.
Delbert: Oh, sure, first they send a boy, then a prairie dog, then they send in them black helicopters.
Government Official · Delbert: Sir, you have won a National Endowment For The Arts grant for your scrap-metal sculptures. / You'll have to put that check in my cold dead hands.
Park Ranger: This park's environment has been preserved free of invasive species, except for one... rock climbers.
Park Ranger · Rock Climber: Uh, my jaw is not a toe-hold. / But if I reach your summit, I'll have climbed rangers on seven continents.
Homer: Better... the prospectors left naughty French postcards.
Homer Misdirection Character Comedy Lisa · Homer: Bart, this is fool's porn. / I'll take it off your hands.
Homer: C'est si bon. Si bon. Si bon. And... remorse.
Homer Escalation Character Comedy Lisa: I'm sure there's a correlation, but could there be a... causation?!
Milhouse: Never get off the bus!
Grampa: You can't throw me out! I'm not dead yet! That's the deal, man!
Grampa Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Abe · Retirement Home Worker: That's a fish tank. / You're a fish tank.
Retirement Home Worker: That is so hurtful. I wish I was a fish tank. Then I could filter out his nasty words.
Lisa: Either the grave or somewhere much worse.
Lisa Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline Abe: In my day, all we put on potatoes was pine needles and barber hair.
Abe: Nose in a funny book, how rude. Ain't you never heard of conversation?
Lisa · Abe: How's it going? / Terrible. I got this new roommate and he won't stop yapping.
Abe: Here's an experiment for you: Find a man who wants to marry a lady poindexter.
Abe · Homer · Marge: Hey, you call that making love? / Homer, I told you he wouldn't sleep through it. / In my day, women didn't make a sound.
Homer: If you were a boy, you'd be a scientist.
Abe: Back off, you mutt. Or I'll make dog-head soup out of you.
Homer: Trying to get out of here before Grampa wakes up.
Marge: Go! Save yourselves!
Grampa: Good morning, family. It's such a beautiful day, I thought I'd take my little friend here for a walk.
Grampa Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Abe: there's a spring in my slippers and my wonderful son woke me up with a delicious cup of coffee.
Homer: What can I do for you? Eat something green? Vote for someone brown?
Homer: Here you go, champ. Go buy yourself some rock-and-roll records.
Bart: To the antique store.
Abe: Your kisses feel like raw liver.
Abe: We don't know if this... knife is safe. Turns out it's not.
Abe: Let me live as a happy man for my remaining 30 years.
Homer · Abe: I want to take Grampa to have his belly button pierced. I could hang my Purple Heart from it.
Comic Book Guy: Everything everyone just said is either obvious or wrong.
Moe · Barney: He's casting a pall over this grim dungeon full of losers. Pfft! Dungeon?! We can leave anytime we want.
Moe: I was wondering when that guy was gonna state his name and occupation.
Walther Hotenhoffer: Lisa is irrelevant.
Walther · Homer: World War II? I wasn't born yet. Funny how many Germans say that these days.
Test Subjects: Can't feel my fingers. Feel 'em too much. Erection. Derection. I smell music.
Test Subject: But when you're doing it with people you love, you just can't help smiling.
Abe: They're just plain better than the greats of my day. God bless them, and their refusal to learn English.
Pharmaceutical Rep: No, robots can develop human feelings. We're graduates of Arizona State.
Homer · Walther: No, no. You're Augustus Gloop, the fat German boy. Ja, it is true, I am Gloop.
Walther/Gloop: Being stuck in that tube changed me in so many ways.
Bart · Drug Dealer: You sell drugs. Why can't you dress like that? Because I use them, too, idiot.
Bart · Drug Dealer: No wonder you've still got pimples at your age. You got all this candy in your desk. They're Tums, for my acid reflux.
Bart: Even your acid wants out of you.
Burns: Accursed tide. Flee from my wrath. No! I've been moistened!
Bart: Don't player hate. I'm just a businessboy.
Abe: Wait, I can't go in there grinning like a Swede on payday.
Abe: Three dollars for a cup of coffee?! In my day it cost you a dime and they gave you back a quarter.
Lisa: The flower essence must have the side effect of lubricating the eye sockets to the point of popping.
Lisa · Bart: At some point, I think we should see a doctor. No, it's cool... it's like we got our own monster.
Bart: Which I may have already spent, ironically, on these novelty eyeglasses.
Bart Irony/Sarcasm Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Cat Lady: Who loves Mommy's eyeballs? Oh, there's a kitty gonna sleep good tonight.
Walther: Your boat has you and a lot of people with their eyes falling out.
Homer: Walther, when a man puts something on a Frisbee, he should stand by it.
Walther: As always, the Frisbee is the mirror to the soul.
Secretary · Walther: No, a cheerful mob. I'd like to have just one day when I don't put a gun to my head.
Assistant · Walther: An angry mob? No, a cheerful mob. I'd like to have just one day when I don't put a gun to my head.
Walther: I will have to be content exploiting their fear of losing hair and penis.
Homer: Besides, our generation's got everything under control. To Moe's.
Homer · Marge: What are the odds of that much time happening? Pretty close to zero, I'd say.
Abe: In fact, the only mistake our generation made was creating that generation.
Lisa: Wow, their 'can-do' will bail out our 'won't-try' every time.
Lisa: And if you are a fat little boy in a chocolate factory, never try to drink from the river.
Walther/Gloop: The tube. My God. Every night I see the tube.
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