Grampa is sitting on a bench waiting for his family when a thoughtful-looking man named Marshall Goldman approaches him and asks to hear about his life. Grampa tells Goldman about the time he was on a World War II battleship, which was hit by an enemy torpedo, and Goldman, a human-interest columnist, publishes it in The Springfield Shopper. Later, Grampa meets Mitch Albom and shares another story with Goldman for a follow-up article. Homer becomes jealous of Grampa's newfound fame and seeks a surrogate father. But when Homer discovers a draft of Goldman's third story, he must race to find Grampa before it is published and his life is changed forever.
WAR
54.9
Wins Above Replacement
“Thursdays With Abie” ranks #333 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 76.9 — Great. The episode packs 82 scored jokes at 4.3 per minute, averaging 6.9 on craft and 6.4 on impact, with Grampa landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Grampa: But his big blue eyes could melt the butter you kept in your pocket for lunch. Lunch butter we called it.
Grampa Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Grampa: We were minding our own business when we were attacked by a heat-seeking torpedo we had fired the day before.
Grampa Absurdist Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Grampa: Don't worry about the sharks, boys. Just play possum and they'll leave you alone. Unfortunately, sharks love possum.
Grampa Setup/Punchline Misdirection Chief Wiggum · Lisa: Um, I'm strictly an above-the-ground policeman. What you need is the sewer cops. Fine. What's their number? There's no such thing as the sewer cops. It's just something we tell kids to make them feel safe.
Grampa: A splash-'em-up show? Reminds me of the time I high-dived into a damp sponge for the amusement of Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker.
Grampa Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 82 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer: Oh, I love going to aquatic parks. Sure, they have worse rides than amusement parks, less fish than aquariums- but the parking is ample!
Homer Observational Setup/Punchline Marge: Oh, there's so many photo ops, but I already filled up my camera in the parking lot. Parking lot C sign, the tram, a license plate from Canada, a bird eating potato chips, my feet walking, that boy who got sick on the tram, Grampa talking to a mermaid hedge, the park rules in Spanish, a fat baby, Grampa telling a story to a trailer hitch. (ding) Oops! I erased them all!
Marge Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Bart: I want to do that! (mechanical whirring) (gasping) I'm going to take stuff from the lost and found! (humming)
Bart Character Comedy Physical/Slapstick Grampa: My feet hurt! left ear's freezing! My right ear's burning! I got fish smell in my wrinkles!
Grampa Character Comedy Escalation Marge: Hurry! If we don't get a seat in the splash zone, I've worn my bathing suit under my clothes for nothing!
Marge Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Grampa: A splash-'em-up show? Reminds me of the time I high-dived into a damp sponge for the amusement of Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker.
Grampa Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer · Grampa: Grampa, no stories! You can come with us, or sit here on the shark bench. You know, I did sit on a shark once... Bathing suit!
Homer: Homer sees he's not wearing bathing suit: 'Oops! No bathing suit.'
Homer Visual Gag Character Comedy Announcer: Let's give a wet and wacky welcome to Springfield's oldest performing mollusk... Get to the show! This is the show! Here's the original Octomom: Slimu!
Lisa: Slimu looks kind of uncomfortable. Wouldn't you be if you were a saltwater fish in a freshwater aquarium?
Lisa Observational Dark/Subversive Homer: The country has its first black president. Maybe it's time for the first octopus president! And when it comes to signing bills, he can provide his own ink!
Homer Absurdist Setup/Punchline Grampa: They'll cheer a dancing octopus, but not an old man complaining about everything.
Grampa Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Marshall · Grampa: Excuse me, sir. Is this seat taken? Well, not for a pretty girl like you! (chuckles nervously)
Marshall · Grampa: Well, this is the first time I ever sat on a shark. Not me-- sat on a real one once!
Grampa: It was back in World War II. I was a Seaman First Class on the USS World War I.
Grampa Absurdist Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Grampa: We were minding our own business when we were attacked by a heat-seeking torpedo we had fired the day before.
Grampa Absurdist Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Grampa: Don't worry about the sharks, boys. Just play possum and they'll leave you alone. Unfortunately, sharks love possum.
Grampa Setup/Punchline Misdirection Grampa · Sailor: Hey, boys, these sharks can't bite us if we're on their backs! It's like riding the Cyclone back at Coney Island!
Sailor: It's like riding a dust devil back in Yuma-- like I read about in a book back in Boston!
Sailor Escalation Character Comedy Grampa: I still keep in touch with all those men and some of the sharks. Why, here's us in Hawaii last year. Good times.
Grampa Absurdist Escalation ★ Rewatch Grampa: You're in the newspaper business? (chuckles) Something that's gonna die before I do!
Grampa Observational Dark/Subversive Grampa: Someone's listening to me! Now I know how a radio feels!
Grampa Observational Character Comedy Bart: Oh, not that stupid stuffed lamb again. This isn't learning! Do you want to learn? No, no, no. I'm just saying...
Bart Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Bart: Hey, the only thing I bring home are notes to my parents, and those do not arrive the way that they left.
Bart Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Marge: Oh, what a nice note! I'm not sticking my hand in that can again.
Marge Visual Gag Reaction Beat Ned · Homer: Top of the morning, Homer. Seen the paper? No, I get my news off the Internet. (laughing)
Homer: My father is interesting?! The whole world's upside down! That must mean Cathy is funny. Nope.
Homer Escalation Observational Ned · Grampa: Abe, I never knew you were so full of... (speaking Yiddish)! What does that mean? It's like (speaking Yiddish), but with a pinch more (speaking Yiddish)!
Grampa: Yep, I may just be the best known Abraham in history.
Grampa Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Grampa: Every Monday, the Tinseltown Starliner would stop at 1:17 p.m. on its way to Hollywood. I never rode that train, but I'd palaver with the movie stars when they got out to stretch their legs.
Grampa Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Clark Gable · Grampa: Looks like someone has seen my work as an extra in Du Barry, Woman Of Passion. I sure have, Mr. Gable.
Clark Gable · Grampa: How come you ain't a star yet? Maybe my ears are too big. I don't know.
Clark Gable: Oh, it's called Gone with the Wind. You can have it. It's only got one swear word, and not a very good one.
Clark Gable: Well, let's see: garbage, garbage, my line. Garbage, garbage, my line. Atlanta burns, nice dresses. I like it!
Clark Gable: Don't tell this story to anyone for 60 years.
Clark Gable Meta/Self-Referential Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Grampa: But his big blue eyes could melt the butter you kept in your pocket for lunch. Lunch butter we called it.
Grampa Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer · Marge: How come Grampa never shared those stories with us? He does all the time. You just never listen.
Homer: Marge, my brain is like a computer, and I file away Grampa's stories in a very special place.
Homer Visual Gag Setup/Punchline Bart · Apu: How come you don't get mad when I torment real animals? I do! It enrages me! I thought you Hindus were supposed to love everybody. I'm a freaking Buddhist! A Buddhist!
Bart · Apu: 'I thought you Hindus were supposed to love everybody.' / 'I'm a freaking Buddhist! A Buddhist!'
Bart Apu Character Comedy Observational Lisa: Larry, please don't judge our whole family by Bart. He's the black sheep. I mean, not that black sheep are in any way inferior to white sheep. I do not judge wool by its color-- only by how itchy it is.
Lisa Character Comedy Escalation Lisa: Larry, what sub-genre of jazz do you like? Fusion? Neo-bop? Afro-Cuban?
Lisa Character Comedy Absurdist Marge: You're coming off desperate, honey.
Marge Reaction Beat Observational Grampa: That's how I got my idea for a suitcase with wheels, from watching a commercial about a suitcase with wheels.
Grampa Absurdist Character Comedy Mitch Albom · Grampa: I'm Mitch Albom, author of Tuesdays with Morrie. Never heard of you. Yeah. Sure you haven't.
Marshall: Take a hike, Hollywood. I've already got a college boy to turn my every word into syndicated gold.
Grampa: Clouds are God's sneezes.
Grampa: Well, well, well, look who decided to visit me twice in one year.
Grampa Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Grampa · Marshall: This man's more of a son to me than you've ever been. What the...?! Well, he's more of a father to me than you've ever been!
Homer: It's a father-son commitment band that I bought and never told you about. And now I'm telling you.
Homer Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Martin: This isn't Larry. It's just cotton balls on toilet paper rolls.
Martin Visual Gag Setup/Punchline Bart: Of course I don't, but other people do.
Bart Character Comedy Observational Nelson: Nelson loved a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb, Nelson loved a little lamb, He kept me nice and sane.
Nelson Character Comedy Visual Gag Grampa: ABE: And if this is Homer, you're too late for my love.
Grampa Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Marge: Maybe you're not really mad at Grampa. Maybe you're mad at yourself for taking him for granted all these years.
Marge Observational Character Comedy Homer: Marge, how can anyone be mad at himself? It's impossible. Watch. Why, you little... (gasps) Oh, I can't. When I look at those beautiful chubby cheeks. Come here, you.
Homer Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Mr. Burns · Marshall: And the life lesson is? The Yangtze River swallows all secrets. Hmm. I'm just gonna put 'Haste makes waste.'
Mr. Burns: Release... a hound. Isn't that cute? He thinks he's a pack.
Mr. Burns Character Comedy Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Gym Teacher · Student: Climb that rope! There is no rope. Well, you better get to the ceiling somehow! Ceiling, ceiling, ceiling!
Bart · Milhouse: 'Put the rope in your teeth.' / 'What will that do?' / 'It'll shut you up.'
Bart: There you are, you piece of crap.
Bart Character Comedy Reaction Beat Chief Wiggum · Lisa: Um, I'm strictly an above-the-ground policeman. What you need is the sewer cops. Fine. What's their number? There's no such thing as the sewer cops. It's just something we tell kids to make them feel safe.
Lisa · Chief Wiggum: What about Bart? Well, if you miss him, yell into a toilet.
Marshall: When I rode with Abe Simpson on the Tinseltown Starliner, I never dreamed his first voyage would be his last? At 3:00 on Monday, Abe passed away peacefully in his sleep.
Marshall Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Homer: But would someone really kill a man just to win a Pulitzer Prize?
Homer Observational Setup/Punchline Announcer: Anyone without a ticket will be beaten by classic railroad bulls.
Passenger: You don't get a beatin' like this traveling by plane.
Grampa: I'm finally riding the Tinseltown Starliner. I could die a happy man.
Grampa Irony/Sarcasm Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Marshall · Grampa: Live each moment as if someone's about to kill you. I mean, as if it's your last. Sorry, my hearing aid's on the fritz. The only word I heard was 'kill.'
Homer · Marge: They've recreated the '30s. Tent cities, failing banks. No, those are real.
Marshall: Um, an elephant on a circus train bellowing for his mother.
Bart: Larry, you saved my life! You're the most wonderful stuffed lamb in the world. I'm sorry about the mean things I said, and we'll have the rest of the weekend to...
Bart Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Grampa: The older I get, the more I like the taste of hot water.
Grampa Character Comedy Observational Marshall: Here comes the prize, Pulitzer Prize, I'll finally be successful in my mother's eyes.
Homer · Marshall: See you tomorrow at yoga. Jane is sick, so Tricia's filling in. As long as it's not a du!
Marshall: How can you stand up to this punishment? I'm the toughest S.O.B. there is-- a biweekly human interest columnist.
Grampa: Maybe so, but I know how to play possum.
Grampa Callback Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Callback Homer: Just with indifference.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Clark Gable: It's a ghost quarter, but you'll be able to spend it pretty soon.
Homer: The year is 1946. In a war-torn world, a single flower blooms. And that flower is an angry Japanese monster named Godzilla.
Homer Absurdist Misdirection Homer: Fortunately, there was one man who could help-- Colonel Tom Parker. The Colonel took this monster, cleaned him up and put him onstage under the name The Rolling Stones.
Homer Absurdist Escalation ★ Rewatch Homer: But then, Godzilla dropped out for a while to do movies, all of the awful movies we see now today in the drive-ins that no longer exist.
Homer Observational Absurdist Top Episodes — The Simpsons
