The Principal And The Pauper

Groundskeeper Willie:Aye, the man's got a rod up his back so far, there's another rod up that rod's back!

Principal Skinner:Can I offer you some Bevarine? It's a new drink that combines the refreshing taste of beer and margarine.

Superintendent Chalmers:I'll have coffee with 'creamium' and sugar.

Barista/Server:You mean creamer?

Superintendent Chalmers:No, 'creamium' - it sounds more scientific.

Superintendent Chalmers:And make the coffee extra gray.

Superintendent Chalmers:The custodian's microphone privileges have been revoked. Effective immediately.

Teacher:Who would like to volunteer for an oral report?

Ralph Wiggum:Ooh! Ooh! I'll do the oral report!

Teacher:Excellent, Ralph. Your topic is 'What does oral mean?'

Ralph Wiggum:Oral? Like, with your mouth?

Teacher:Yes, Ralph. Oral means spoken.

Ralph Wiggum:I'm not supposed to talk about my mouth.

Ralph Wiggum:What's 'oral'?

Miss Hoover:It means spoken, Ralph. As opposed to written.

Ralph Wiggum:Ohhh.

Miss Hoover:Lisa?

Ralph Wiggum:I'm Ralph.

Mrs. Krabappel:I only need one volunteer.

Ralph Wiggum:Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!

Mrs. Krabappel:Ralph, I said I only need ONE.

Ralph Wiggum:I know, but I'm a volunteer!

Bart Simpson:I put dog food in the punch bowl because it's got all the nutrients dogs need, and dogs are pretty smart, so it's basically brain food for the party.

Bart Simpson:I made these patriotic treats! I'm calling them 'Freedom Fries'... wait, that's already taken. How about 'Liberty Loaves'? No... 'Star-Spangled Snacks'? Hmm, 'Patriot Pucks'? I got it! 'Mini America Meatballs'!

Homer Simpson:Those look like turds, boy.

Seymour Skinner:Mother, I thought silhouette night would be a nice bonding activity for us.

Agnes Skinner:Seymour, even in silhouette, you look like a nervous little man.

Ralph Wiggum:My dad is a principal.

Lisa:This is a fascinating account of the Battle of Gettysburg.

Ralph Wiggum:My dad says that war is a lot like love. He learned that in the army.

Ralph Wiggum:When I grow up, I'm going to be a caterpillar.

Bart Simpson:Ralph, caterpillars don't have jobs.

Ralph Wiggum:They will when I'm done with them!

Principal Skinner:Yes, well, I'm aware it's Friday. However, our standard cake service is Thursday. Therefore, this represents an unauthorized deviation from protocol. I'll need to file a Form 27-B in triplicate before we can proceed with any celebratory confectionery consumption.

Principal Skinner:Ah yes, the joy buzzer — or as we call it in the education community, a 'tactile-based, hand-proximity-activated startle mechanism.'

Homer Simpson:An impostor? But that's impossible! This changes everything! Wait... do they have cake at the town hall?

Agnes Skinner:Kind of funny? Seymour, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You were a prisoner of war!

Principal Skinner:Well, Mother, I was trying to put a positive spin on it.

Agnes Skinner:That's not funny, Seymour.

Seymour Skinner:Well, maybe not to you, Mother. But to the men in the P.O.W. camp, my humorous anecdotes were a welcome respite from the daily beatings and torture.

Seymour Skinner:No, my real name is Armin Tamzarian.

Armin Tamzarian:You know, I had three choices: jail, the army, or apologize to the town.

Armin Tamzarian:In retrospect, I should have just apologized.

Sergeant:So, Armin, what are your dreams and aspirations?

Armin Tamzarian:Well, I'd like to have really nice abs, and maybe get a spray tan. Oh, and I want to be really good at texting.

Armen Tamzarian:Corny? Teaching dreams are corny?

Armen Tamzarian:I have an overly idealized, Norman Rockwell vision of education!

Armin Tamzarian:Well, I think education dreams are wonderful, not corny at all!

Armin Tamzarian:In fact, I'm going to go out there and say it loud and proud: I'm corn-tastic about learning!

Seymour Skinner:I was born in the dark, in a dank alley behind a burlesque house. My mother was a seamstress, my father a sailor. I never knew him. I was raised by wolves, then by nuns, then by a traveling circus...

Bart Simpson:Dude, did you kill anybody?

Bart:Skip to the identity theft part!

Armin Tamzarian:No! I need to explain my feelings first. You can't just skip to the identity theft!

Seymour Skinner:You see, Bart, emotional fragility is a delicate matter that requires understanding and compassion...

Bart:Yeah, yeah, whatever man. Are we done here?

Seymour Skinner:If you must blame someone, blame me.

Seymour Skinner:Alright.

Seymour Skinner:You lived out my dream? Well, how was I dressed?

Tamzarian:You were wearing a leisure suit.

Seymour Skinner:A leisure suit?! In my dream I'd at least have the good taste to wear a nice blazer!

Seymour:Mother, please, let me help you.

Rod:Yeah, Mama, we're here for you.

Agnes Skinner:Oh, shut up, both of you! You're both disappointments!

Seymour Skinner:But Mother, if you have no son, then I shouldn't exist!

Agnes Skinner:That's right.

Seymour Skinner:But I do exist!

Agnes Skinner:Not in my will, you don't.

Seymour Skinner:Mother, you must have at least one son.

Agnes Skinner:Well, I had three boys, but I don't count them as sons.

Seymour Skinner:Why not?

Agnes Skinner:One was a girl.

Principal Seymour Skinner:This is fraud, Bart. You forged your father's signature on your report card.

Bart Simpson:Well, at least I'm not stealing someone else's identity.

Principal Seymour Skinner:That's different!

Bart Simpson:Is it though?

Bart Simpson:Wait, isn't what you did basically identity theft?

Armin Tamzarian:Well... yes. I suppose it is.

Armin Tamzarian:Which would make punishing you for forgery rather... hypocritical of me.

Bart Simpson:Yeah, well at least I'm not an impostor, Impostor.

Bart:Wait, so you're saying you were never actually Seymour Skinner?

Armin Tamzarian:That's right. I'm Armin Tamzarian. I've always been Armin Tamzarian.

Bart:So... should I call you Mr. Tamzarian now?

Armin Tamzarian:It doesn't matter what you call me, boy. I've spent so many years being someone else that I don't even know who I am anymore. What's in a name anyway? Just letters. Meaningless letters that society uses to cage us into false identities. Call me Tamzarian, call me Skinner, call me nothing at all. It's all the same void.

Homer:I'd be so angry if Ned Flanders turned out to be an impostor!

Seymour Skinner:Who's Ned Flanders?

Armin Tamzarian:I am announcing my retirement effective at the end of this sentence which I am hereby extending with numerous clauses and subordinate phrases as well as tertiary clauses and a seemingly endless series of clauses upon clauses, effectively prolonging the sentence to such a degree that my retirement date has now become indefinite and therefore I shall continue in my current position until such time as I am able to complete this sentence... period.

Superintendent Chalmers:Seymour, you can't resign! Without you, Springfield Elementary will descend into chaos! The students will run wild, the teachers will abandon all discipline, the very foundations of education will crumble!

Principal Seymour Skinner:Superintendent, it's just a school.

Superintendent Chalmers:Just a school?! Just a SCHOOL?! Seymour, you're the backbone of this institution! Without your firm but fair leadership, we'll see anarchy! Roving gangs of second-graders! Teachers setting fires in the lounge! The very concept of learning will become meaningless!

Principal Skinner:Canadian money from my New York trip? But I've never been to Canada!

Superintendent Chalmers:Skinner, you got Canadian money in New York. That's not how geography works.

Skinner:Ah, a pocket watch with mother's picture inside. She's beautiful.

Other Character:You mean the watch or your mother?

Skinner:Yes.

Agnes Skinner:Here, take these sandwiches for your trip.

Seymour Tamzarian:Thank you, Mother.

Agnes Skinner:And wear a sweater — it's cold out there.

Seymour Tamzarian:I thought you didn't want me as your son.

Agnes Skinner:I don't. But I won't have people saying Agnes Skinner raised an ungrateful boy who catches pneumonia.

Edna Krabappel:I don't care about your past, Armin. I love you for who you are now.

Armin Tamzarian:That's very kind of you, but I've made up my mind. I'm leaving Springfield.

Edna Krabappel:But Armin, we could have a life together!

Armin Tamzarian:I'm sorry, Edna. My decision is final.

Children:Principal Tamzarian! Principal Tamzarian!

Armin Tamzarian:Get away from me, you little monsters! I'm not your principal anymore!

Lisa Simpson:A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Bart Simpson:Yeah, but call it a stinkweed and see how many people stop to smell it.

Homer Simpson:How about 'crotch crickets'?

Marge Simpson:Well, if we're going to name candy, we should name it something appealing. Like 'Delicious Chocolate Nuggets' instead of 'Cocoa Nuggets.'

Marge Simpson:Or 'Sweet Fruity Spheres' instead of whatever those terrible names are.

Bart Simpson:I pledge allegiance to the flag... of the United States of America.

Sergeant Skinner:Are you asking me out?

Edna Krabappel:God, no. I'm just saying you have the social skills of a hermit crab.

Neighbor:Agnes, I heard you had a new son!

Agnes Skinner:Yes, I adopted a 47-year-old man. He's very disobedient.

Neighbor:A 47-year-old man? How is he disobedient?

Agnes Skinner:He won't eat his vegetables, he stays up past his bedtime, and he keeps asking for an allowance!

Edna Krabappel:That's ten items. This is an express lane.

Principal Skinner:I know, but—

Edna Krabappel:You're a man who takes what he wants, regardless of the rules. I find that very attractive.

Cashier:That'll be $8.95. By the way, how's Principal Skinner doing?

Customer:Oh, he's fine. Why do you ask?

Cashier:One weenie, two weenies, three weenies...

Edna Krabappel:I prefer a familiar weenie over an unknown weenie.

Homer:We're driving Jasper around because he's lonely.

Marge:We're doing it because Homer promised Jasper we would.

Bart:We're doing it because Mom said we had to.

Lisa:We're doing it because Dad felt guilty.

Grampa:We're doing it because Jasper asked real nice-like, and nobody ever asks old Jasper for nothin'.

Grampa Simpson:Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears... Mmm, disappears...

Seymour Skinner:I'm not Principal Skinner anymore. I'm Armin Tamzarian, and I'm taking back my life!

Armin Tamzarian:This is my house now.

Armin Tamzarian:This is my car.

Armin Tamzarian:And this... this is my adult magazine.

Tamzarian:I've got some adult magazines in my office.

Bart:Cool! Can I read about the stock market and the political situation in the Middle East?

Bart:Can I see that magazine?

Armin Tamzarian:Sure, why not.

Seymour Skinner:But surely you won't send away a decorated war hero?

Conductor:You were in the Army Closet Corps.

Seymour Skinner:It still counts!

Agnes Skinner:Well, this one has a nice firm handshake. I'll take him!

Principal Skinner:Well, I may have had a brief identity crisis, but I've returned to being the mild-mannered Principal Seymour Skinner.

Principal Skinner:Though I must say, that whole experience as the hotheaded rogue Armin Tamzarian was quite exhilarating.

Seymour Skinner:You'll see a new Seymour Skinner.

Agnes Skinner:No, I won't.

Seymour Skinner:Mother, I promise I'll try to be less uptight and more spontaneous.

Agnes Skinner:Absolutely not.

Seymour Skinner:Yes, Mother.