Lisa The Vegetarian

Homer:D'oh!

Grampa:Why don't you just leave me in the car like a dog?

Homer:That's the plan.

Marge:The park is fun for ages eight to... to eighty... to...

Bart:Ay caramba, this is the lamest thing I've ever seen. Where's the violence? The profanity? The complete disregard for child safety standards? This is garbage!

Homer:I was just looking for a place to take a nap. The beds were too hard, too soft, but this one was just right. So I broke in.

Lisa:You can't feed them that. They're lactose intolerant.

Ned:Allemande left with your diddley-diddley-diddley left hand, do-si-do your diddley-diddley partner, promenade home with your diddley-diddley-diddley diddley-diddley home!

Homer:Shut up, Ned.

Ned:Okily-dokily!

Ned Flanders:Well, howdy-diddly-doodily, amigos!

José Flanders:¡Hola, hermano! ¿Cómo estás-diddly-doodily?

Lord Thistlewick Flanders:Even upper-class Flanders has the verbal tic

Homer:Flanders is having a family barbecue and didn't invite me? Oh, that's it. I'm going to show him.

Homer:I'm going to... go to his house... and I'm going to eat all his hot dogs!

Homer:That'll teach him to exclude Homer Jay Simpson from his stupid barbecue.

Homer:And then I'll steal his condiments. Yeah, THAT'S the ticket!

Homer:I'm throwing a revenge party! Nobody's invited except... Ned Flanders!

Homer:Wait a minute... Ned's my enemy. Why would I invite my enemy to my revenge party?

Ned:Well, howdy-diddly-doodly, Homer! I heard there was a party!

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Marge, these lamb chops are amazing! You're the best cook in Springfield.

Marge:Thank you, Homer. I'm so glad you're enjoying them.

Lisa:Mom, Dad... I've decided to become a vegetarian.

Homer:What?! But you just saw how delicious these lamb chops are!

Lisa:That's exactly why I have to stop eating meat. I can't ignore the animals anymore.

Homer:Marge, this is the best meal you've ever made! What's your secret ingredient?

Marge:Well, Homer, it's love.

Homer:Love? That's it?

Marge:And I used less salt this time because the doctor said your blood pressure was too high.

Lisa:Dad, how could you eat lamb? It's just a baby sheep!

Homer:But Lisa, once you call it 'lamb' instead of 'baby sheep,' it's okay to eat.

Lisa:Dad, what's the moral difference between killing an animal for food and killing it for sport?

Homer:About 40 minutes. One of 'em you gotta cook.

Lisa:Dad, those are all the same animal!

Homer:Mmm... pork.

Bart:Baaaaaah!

Lisa:Public schools are supposed to be these enlightened institutions where children learn critical thinking and develop their minds.

Lisa:But then you actually go to one and realize it's basically a holding pen for society's rejects.

Miss Hoover:Now class, when you open up your worm, be very careful not to sever the anterior ganglion.

Bart:What if it tries to bite us?

Miss Hoover:Well, the worm is dead, so it won't bite you.

Ralph:Mine's moving!

Miss Hoover:That's just a nerve spasm, Ralph. The worm is completely dead.

Ralph:I'm gonna go eat my cubed cheese now.

Ralph:I'm a good sleeper. I can sleep for days.

Ralph:Once I slept for three days and my mom thought I was dead.

Ralph:But I was just sleeping.

Lisa:Do you have any vegetarian options?

Lunchlady Doris:Sure, how about a nice meatloaf sandwich?

Lisa:But that has meat in it.

Lunchlady Doris:It's called meatloaf, not meat. The loaf is real.

Lunchlady Doris:It's not a bun, it's bunly!

Lunchlady Doris:You know, I've been serving slop in this cafeteria for twenty years. Sometimes I wonder if this is all there is to life.

Lunchlady Doris:Do you think I matter? Do you think anyone remembers me when they leave this school?

Lisa:Principal Skinner, doesn't the school have any policy against suppressing independent thinking?

Principal Skinner:We do now.

Groundskeeper Willie:Och, these colored chalks are the devil's work! They're drawin' pictures of... of... GRAVEN IMAGES! The Good Book says 'Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image,' and these wee sticks of Satan are leadin' the wee bairns straight to Hell!

Groundskeeper Willie:I've seen it before - first it's a simple chalk drawin', next thing ye know they're practicin' witchcraft and communicatin' with demons through their artwork!

Groundskeeper Willie:That's why I'm burnin' every last one of 'em. Better safe than possessed, I always say!

Lisa:Studies show that cartoon violence desensitizes children to real-world aggression.

Bart:That's bogus, man. I watch tons of cartoons and I'm fine. Just this morning I saw a guy get flattened like a pancake, then blown up, then hit by a train, and I didn't even blink.

Homer:I'm throwing a party! It's going to be RSVP... P. You have to respond, and then respond again!

Bart:Dad, what does WOOP stand for?

Homer:Well, it's... uh... W-O-O-P. It stands for... Widget... Oriented... Operational... Program.

Bart:That doesn't make any sense.

Homer:You're right, boy. I just made it up.

Homer:If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, 'Yo, goober! Where's the meat?'

Homer:Meat, meat, meat! Vegetables are what food eats!

Marge:Homer, that doesn't even make sense.

Homer:Meat, meat, meat!

Bart:Meat, meat, meat!

Marge:Oh, for crying out loud.

Homer, Bart:Meat, meat, meat!

Principal Skinner:I've got it! We'll call you... Student Number 24601!

Lisa:Principal Skinner, that's from Les Misérables.

Principal Skinner:Fine, fine. How about... The Girl with the Pearl Earring?

Lisa:That's a famous painting.

Principal Skinner:Blast! Okay, you're now known as... Not Lisa Simpson.

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such educational films as 'Danger: Pedestrians,' 'Shoplifting: A Crime' and 'Tire Fire: The Burning Desire.'

Troy McClure:You might remember me from such educational films as 'Choosing the Right Career' and 'Staying Off Drugs.' So, Jimmy, tell us about your aspirations.

Jimmy:Actually, my name is—

Troy McClure:That's wonderful, Jerry!

Troy McClure:Don't let the name fool you. It's not really a floor. It's more of a room.

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such educational films as 'Fireballs 2000' and 'Carnivores.' But I'm no scientist. I'm just a scientician!

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such educational films as 'Filet of Beef' and 'The Dairy Farmer's Daughter.' Today, we're going to explore the natural food chain. Now, most people think cows are gentle, docile creatures. But nothing could be further from the truth!

Troy McClure:Cows are actually ruthless predators, capable of hunting down and devouring anything in their path. Why, just last week, a cow in Wisconsin tracked and killed a family of four... with its horns!

Jimmy:I'm a moron for even questioning the meat.

Troy McClure:You sure are.

Lisa:This is just tripe!

Miss Hoover:Well, if you don't like it, I have some tripe in the cafeteria.

Student:Wow, I want to go to Sorta State University!

Homer:That's the idea, son.

Marge:It's a cold soup made from tomatoes, cucumbers, and olive oil.

Homer:Gazpacho? That's a Spanish soup, right? It's cold!

Marge:It's supposed to be served cold, Homer.

Homer:Cold soup?! That's un-American! Next thing you know, they'll be making us listen to their funny music and drive their crazy cars!

Dr. Hibbert:Homer, you really shouldn't be eating all those ribs. Your cholesterol is through the roof.

Homer:Doc, Doc, relax. I'm just doing what you told me — I'm keeping the blood flowing to my stomach.

Dr. Hibbert:That's not what I meant at all.

Homer:Well, these ribs aren't going to amputate themselves!

Homer:Here comes the gravy train, choo-choo! All aboard for the Homer train!

Chief Wiggum:Homer, I can't... I'm too full...

Homer:Nonsense! You're like a little round sponge, and I'm gonna keep squeezing gravy on ya!

Homer:Behold, the pièce de... uh... piece of re-sister-ants!

Homer:Mmm... mud pie.

Homer:The pig's fine. He's just resting.

Marge:Homer, he's not moving.

Homer:He's a very lazy pig. Probably the laziest pig in Springfield.

Bart:Dad, I think he's dead.

Homer:He's not dead, he's just... sleeping with his eyes open. Like your mother.

Marge:I do not sleep with my eyes open!

Homer:That's what you said last time.

Homer:Well, I'm not a scientist, but I think if we just duct tape some wings to that pig and throw it really hard, it'll fly.

Marge:Homer, that doesn't make any sense.

Homer:Marge, everything makes sense if you don't think about it.

Marge:The pig just fell out of the sky.

Homer:D'oh!

Mr. Burns:When pigs fly!

Smithers:Sir, a pig just flew past the window.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, did you see that?

Smithers:Sir, the pig actually flew!

Mr. Burns:A technicality. I'm not giving a dime to charity.

Bart:Yeah, well, I'm not going to school today. I'm sick.

Marge:Bart, you look fine to me.

Bart:No, I'm telling you, I'm sick. I got the runs like you wouldn't believe. It's like Niagara Falls down there.

Bart:Dad, if you're so hungry, why don't you just eat me?

Homer:Don't mind if I do!

Lisa:You're all prehistoric! I'm going to my room!

Student:Hey Lisa, why don't you eat meat like a normal person?

Lisa:Oh sure, because being a vegetarian is SO weird. Next you'll tell me that not eating animals is bad for you.

Student:Well, actually...

Lisa:I was being sarcastic.

Bart:Hey Lisa, being a vegetarian is so lame!

Nelson:Yeah, Lisa, you're such a loser!

Lisa:Oh sure, and I suppose you all think eating meat makes you so cool and sophisticated.

Milhouse:Wait, does it?

Ralph:I'm a meat eater and I'm very smart!

Martin:According to the literature, carnivorous diets are indeed associated with enhanced cognitive function.

Bart:Lisa, you've doomed us all!

Lisa:No! I've been eating meat this whole time! I'm a murderer!

Apu:Oh, do not worry, Lisa. Many people are murderers.

Apu:Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart's secret beer garden! I have created this sanctuary for the discerning customer who wishes to enjoy a cold beverage in peace and tranquility.

Lisa:This is great, Apu. How did you keep this hidden for so long?

Apu:Well, Lisa, it was not difficult. You see, most of my customers cannot read the 'employees only' sign, and those who can are usually too intoxicated to remember where they parked their cars.

Apu:I was the fifth Beatle!

Paul McCartney:No, you weren't.

Linda McCartney:I can't believe there's meat in my vegetarian products!

Homer Simpson:That's the best news I've heard all day!

Paul McCartney:You know, people have claimed for years that if you play our records backwards, you'll hear satanic messages.

Paul McCartney:But the truth is, it's just a soup recipe. My mum's minestrone, actually.

Lisa:Apu, you don't think I'm a bad person for eating cheese, do you?

Apu:No, no. I think you're a bad person for many other reasons.

Apu:Hey, remember that great Beatles song 'Come Together Right Now Over Funkytown'?

Paul McCartney:That's not... that's two different songs. 'Come Together' and 'Funkytown.'

Apu:Well, I liked my version better.

Lisa:Paul and Linda McCartney say you should always eat vegetables.

Homer:The McCartney's? Well, if they say so, it must be true.

Homer:I'd better start eating vegetables.

Homer:Lisa, honey, I'm sure this vegetarian thing is just a phase. When you grow up, you'll realize that bacon is one of the major food groups.

Lisa:Dad, I'm not going through a phase. I have ethical reasons for being vegetarian.

Homer:Ethical schmethical. That's what I said when I was your age about not eating donuts. Now look at me.

Homer:Come on, Lisa. Hop on my back.

Lisa:Thanks, Dad!

Homer:Giddyup! I'm a human horse. Neigh!

Homer:Wait... oh no. You're a vegetarian. Uh... Giddyup! I'm a human... tofu-based legume substitute.