This Little Wiggy

Homer:D'oh!

Teacher:Who can solve this math problem with a calculator?

Bart:Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me!

Teacher:Go ahead, Bart.

Bart:Um... I'm gonna need a bigger calculator.

Teacher:Class, we have a very special visitor today. Someone who has dedicated their life to public service. Someone who has made a real difference in our community. I present to you... a policeman!

Bart:Wow, a cop. That's so cool. NOT.

Teacher:Well, I tried.

Robot:Greetings, Earthlings. I come from a distant galaxy far beyond your comprehension.

Student:Wow! What's it like?

Robot:Well, it's a lot like Earth, actually. I'm from New Jersey.

Robot:Which of the Three Stooges had the heaviest brain?

Students:We don't know.

Robot:Curly. He had an extra thick skull.

Robot:I am programmed to educate and protect students.

Bart:Hey robot, what happens if I do this?

Robot:MALFUNCTION... MALFUNCTION... Switching to Terminator mode. Exterminate all humans.

Teacher:Help! Help! A robot is attacking me!

Students:Yay!

Bart:Who says science can't be fun? Fun places end in 'um': aquarium, museum, planetarium...

Bart:But the Knowledgeum? That's just sad.

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such films as... the ATM at the Springfield Bank, the self-checkout machine at the Kwik-E-Mart, and the automated parking meter on Evergreen Terrace.

Homer:This ceiling was donated by the Burlington Coat Factory.

Marge:Oh my God, what's happening?!

Homer:I don't know, but it's awesome!

Marge:The whole house is bouncing! We're all going to die!

Bart:Eat my shorts, gravity!

Homer:Come on, work with me here!

Computer:Does not compute.

Bart:Whoa, zero gravity! This is so cool, man.

Bart:I'm like, totally catching air right now.

Bart:This rules! It's like the ultimate kickflip!

Ralph:That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

Ralph:Wow, look at all this booger.

Jimbo:Hey, look at the retard playing with the rocket ship.

Kearney:Let's pants him!

Ralph:My dad's the Chief of Police. He'll arrest you for... for...

Ralph:He confiscated all your beer.

Marge:Chief Wiggum, I'm worried about Ralph. The other children are always picking on him.

Chief Wiggum:Marge, my boy builds character through a little rough and tumble. Why, I was bullied as a kid and look how I turned out!

Marge:...That's not really helping your case.

Chief Wiggum:Besides, it keeps him humble. Aw, he's a tough little guy. Tougher than his old man, probably.

Chief Wiggum:Well, it all started when Ralph invented an imaginary friend named Bork.

Ralph Wiggum:Bork lives in my closet and he tells me to do bad things, but he's fun!

Chief Wiggum:That's not an imaginary friend, Ralph. That's just your brain talking to itself.

Ralph Wiggum:My brain talks to me too! It tells me that I'm a bus driver and Principal Skinner is actually my wife.

Chief Wiggum:Son, your mother says you've got a lot of imagination. That means you're gonna do real good in Special Ed.

Ralph:Yay!

Chief Wiggum:Real friends? Have you seen the way other kids treat him? They call him names, they laugh at him, they exclude him from games. No, ma'am, Ralph doesn't have real friends, and he never will.

Ralph:You're a tall lady!

Marge:Your hair is so soft, Ralph.

Ralph:Me fail English? That's unpossible.

Ralph:Yay! Beer and bed! Beer and bed! Beer and bed!

Marge:Bart, I have a surprise for you!

Bart:What is it?

Marge:Ralph is coming over to play with you.

Bart:No way, Mom! I just told him his intelligence could charitably be described as 'room temperature.'

Marge:Well, you're going to spend the afternoon together and you're going to be nice about it.

Bart:Mom, that's not a surprise, that's a punishment.

Bart:A playdate? Ew!

Ralph:Yay! We can play tag and eat cupcakes and play tag again!

Ralph:I'm learnding!

Bart:Uh, Ralph? A little help here?

Ralph:The more you struggle, the tighter it gets.

Bart:Mom, you don't understand. Being cool isn't about grades. It's about not caring about grades.

Marge:Oh! So you're saying the coolest kids are the ones who get straight A's without even trying?

Bart:No, Mom. The coolest kids are the ones who get F's and don't care.

Marge:Then we need to get you more tutoring right away!

Bart:Mom, I don't want to go on a playdate with Ralph!

Marge:Bart, you're going and that's final.

Ralph:Wow, this action figure hasn't been washed in weeks!

Bart:Yeah, well, he's been through a lot.

Ralph:I'm eating his dirt.

Ralph:I'm helping!

Ralph:The Popsicles are all melty. I call them Popsickles!

Bart:Hey Ralph, wanna play hide-and-seek?

Ralph:Okay!

Bart:Great, you go hide.

Ralph:I'm hiding! I'm hiding!

Bart:Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll look for you... later.

Ralph:*after hours of hiding* Ready or not, here I come! ...Bart? ...Bart? Why aren't you looking for me?

Marge:Why don't you go outside and play?

Bart:Outside? Are you kidding? Everyone will see me with a social outcast!

Ralph:My legs don't know each other very well.

Jimbo:Hey, check it out! I'm filming us stealing this car for my TikTok!

Dolph:Dude, you're literally recording our faces committing grand theft auto.

Kearney:Yeah man, we're gonna go viral for sure—right before we go to jail.

Jimbo:Don't worry, I'll use a bunch of hashtags. #CriminalLife #SpringfieldBoys

Bart:If we stay very still, they won't see us.

Ralph:We're not in danger. We're in a bush.

Bart:Exactly. They can't see us.

Ralph:I'm in danger.

Ralph:You can't go in the deep end. It's for big kids.

Bart:What's the big deal? I can swim.

Ralph:My mom says it's dangerous. She also says the voices tell me to set fires.

Ralph:My dad says I can't go in the closet.

Bart:He said you can't go in the closet, he didn't say you can't go in the hallway closet.

Ralph:Bart, you're a genius!

Ralph:Wow, look at all these criminal records. Dad's been arrested 52 times, Bart's wanted in three states, Lisa's got outstanding warrants... My mom's never even gotten a parking ticket.

Ralph:I'm really disappointed in you, Mom.

Chief Wiggum:Alright, we got a 10-31 in progress. All units converge on my position. You're looking at 20 years to life, pal.

Chief Wiggum:I'm gonna take you down hard, you hear me? I've been on the force for...

Chief Wiggum:AHHHHH!

Chief Wiggum:Ralph, you know you're not supposed to go in that closet.

Ralph:But Chief, what's in there?

Chief Wiggum:Son, that closet contains the most dangerous, deadly, and classified materials known to law enforcement. Weapons of mass destruction. Classified government documents. And... my collection of old donuts.

Chief Wiggum:All right, kids, put these on. They're riot gear.

Ralph Wiggum:Wow, Dad! This is cool!

Chief Wiggum:Now, who wants some complimentary riot helmets?

Child:Me!

Chief Wiggum:Can I get you gentlemen anything else? More pepper spray? A breadstick?

Bart:Hey Ralph, what's that key?

Ralph:It's a magic key! My dad says it opens any door. He uses it all the time at work.

Bart:Your dad's a cop, right?

Ralph:Uh-huh. He says it's magic because it makes people real happy... right before they go to jail.

Lisa:You've reached the Simpson residence. I can't come to the phone right now, I'm busy living my life. Leave a message after the beep.

Lisa:Hi, you've reached the Simpson residence. I'm sorry I can't take your call right now. Satan is making me miss all my messages. Please leave your name and number after the beep.

Lisa:*BEEP*

Bart:With this master key, we can go anywhere in the school. We're free, man!

Ralph:Everywhere?

Bart:Everywhere.

Ralph:Even the girls' bathroom?

Bart:Uh, sure, why not.

Ralph:Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!

Jimbo:Hey, look who it is — Dumb and Dumber!

Kearney:Yeah, and you're both of 'em!

Dolph:Nah man, Ralph's dumber. Bart just hangs out with him.

Bart:Look, guys, I'm not trying to avoid you. I just have a playdate scheduled.

Bullies:A playdate? What are you, five?

Bart:It's not like that. My mom set it up with—

Bullies:Did you just say your mommy set it up? And you're going on a playdate? That's the most pathetic thing we've ever heard.

Bart:Yo, check it out, man. I'm chillin', I'm illin', I'm straight up killin' it!

Homer:What's 'illin''?

Bart:Uh... it's cool, Dad. Like chillin' and illin', you know?

Homer:That's not a word, boy.

Bart:Is too! It means... uh... to be really... illing.

Bart:Lame wad? That's the best you got? Check this out.

Bart:I got a Radioactive Man comic book, first edition, still in the plastic.

Nelson:Whoa!

Dolph:That's so cool!

Kearney:You're not a lame wad anymore, man.

Bart:The big house, the slammer, the joint, the clink, the pen...

Nelson:Penn State.

Ralph:You were my only friend, Bart. How could you betray me like this?

Kearney:Dude, that was so funny! Do it again!

Dolph:Yeah, say the part about being betrayed again!

Jimbo:We're totally gonna make him say sad stuff all the time now.

Bart:Hey Ralph, I know we haven't always gotten along, but I'm gonna help you out.

Ralph:Yay! Thanks, Bart!

Bart:Don't get excited. I'm only doing this because my conscience won't shut up. And between you and me, you're still a complete idiot.

Ralph:I'm helping!

Jimbo:Wait, that's ironic.

Bart:Yeah, Jimbo, that's what irony is.

Jimbo:No, no, I know what irony is. It's like rain on your wedding day.

Nelson:Ha-ha! We need a new criminal enterprise after that prison break-in fiasco.

Bullies:Yeah, what should we do?

Nelson:I got it! Let's go berry-picking!

Bullies:Yeah! Berry-picking rules!

Ralph:Look, a pointy kitty!

Bart:The electric chair smells like justice.

Ralph:Mmm, justice.

Bart:Till death do us part!

Electric Chair:*BZZZZZZT*

Guard:Halt! Who goes there?

Guard:I should probably investigate this alone, without backup or a radio call. What could go wrong? I'll just walk slowly toward the dark area where the suspicious noise came from. This is definitely the smart tactical approach.

Guard:You know, in retrospect, I realize I'm a security guard with zero training who makes terrible decisions that always end badly. But I keep doing the exact same thing every single time.

Bart:Got any twos?

Ralph:Go fish.

Bart:Ralph, you're holding three twos.

Ralph:Oh, I thought you said 'got any shoes.' I don't got any shoes.

Ralph:That's where they make the electric chair look so cool!

Ralph:I bent my wookie.

Ralph:Wait, I think it's supposed to be 'I bent my Wookiee.' Oh, that still doesn't work.

Ralph:I'm gonna go find a cash machine.

Ralph:Lisa's a genius!

Bart:Wait, that's it! Ralph, you're a genius!

Ralph:Me? A genius? Aw, thanks, Bart.

Bart:Lisa! That's the answer!

Mr. Burns:Smithers, a rocket has landed in my pocket.

Smithers:Yes, sir. Will you be needing anything?

Mr. Burns:Ehhh, why don't you reach in and get it out for me?

Smithers:Of course, sir.

Mr. Burns:Excellent! The chair is still operational. Now we can finally execute the condemned prisoner.

Smithers:Sir, the electric chair hasn't been used in decades. Perhaps we should focus on more pressing matters?

Mr. Burns:Nonsense, Smithers! Do you know how much electricity that chair wastes when it's on standby? We're hemorrhaging money! That's my biggest concern here.

Bart:Wait, what about me? I came up with the whole plan!

Lisa:Actually, Ralph's innocent optimism was the real inspiration. We couldn't have done it without his faith in us.

Ralph:Yay!

Crowd:Hip hip hooray for Ralph!

Leprechaun:Follow the magic!

Leprechaun:Now to be settin' fires, ye'll be needin' some gasoline and a book of matches.