And Maggie Makes Three

Michael:Go faster!

Knightboat:I'm all around you, Michael.

Homer Simpson:Wow, a river! Just when we needed it most!

Bart Simpson:It's like the writers knew exactly what we needed.

Lisa Simpson:The narrative convenience is almost too obvious.

Marge Simpson:Well, we are in Springfield. There's always water around when the plot needs it.

Homer:Hey, hey! Don't you criticize my show! This program has won seventeen Emmys!

Marge:Homer, that's a completely ridiculous show.

Homer:So? It's on TV, isn't it? If it's dumb enough to be on TV, it's smart enough for me!

Lisa:Dad, the plot makes no sense.

Homer:Lisa, just 'cause I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

Homer:Marge, a boat's a boat. It's not going to teach Bart anything except maybe how to have fun. And what's wrong with that?

Marge:Homer, what are you doing?

Homer:Bart did it!

Marge:Look at this photo from our trip to Capital City. See how the angle makes our car look like a Mercedes?

Homer:Wow, we're rich!

Marge:Homer, it's just an optical illusion.

Homer:An optical illusion of being rich is still better than our actual life.

Homer:Two TVs? Big deal. I had two TVs back in '82.

Marge:Homer, that's wonderful!

Homer:Yeah, well, one of 'em was a brick.

Marge:Look at all these pictures of Bart napping... napping... resting his eyes... taking a little snooze... catching forty winks... getting some shut-eye...

Marge:We were younger then.

Marge:Well, I suppose every generation has its little fads. When I was young, it was Madge pottery.

Homer:Marge, this is different. This is the end of civilization as we know it.

Marge:Homer, it's just a new flavor of Squishee.

Marge:The early internet was just Star Trek nerd opinions about everything.

Marge:Well, I just heard the most wonderful news on the radio today. They're saying that dogs have been domesticated!

Homer:Domesticated? What do you mean, Marge?

Marge:Apparently, it just happened! They're calling it a major cultural development of our time.

Homer:Don't worry, I'll stop them. I've stopped worse than this.

Homer:Remember that time I fought that bear? Or when I took on the whole town in dodgeball?

Homer:Those terrorists don't stand a chance against Homer Simpson.

Homer:Take that, terrorists! And that! Oh, I'm winning 7 to 3!

Homer:Wait, they scored... 7 to 5. Aww, come on!

Coworker:Good Lord, what is happening in there?

Coworker:Fire! Fire!

Homer:Woo-hoo! Paycheck!

Lenny:Hey Homer, you gonna save some of that?

Homer:Save? That's just fancy talk for 'not spending.'

Homer:Woo-hoo! I paid off all my debt! I'm free!

Homer:You know what? I'm quitting my job at the nuclear plant.

Homer:Don't worry, guys. I've got a plan that'll make us all rich.

Homer:All you have to do is exactly what I say, when I say it, or I'll know where you live.

Homer:I'm gonna go vandalize Mr. Burns' office!

Homer:I'm gonna rearrange his desk supplies and not ask permission!

Homer:And then I'm gonna use his stapler without putting it back in the exact same spot!

Homer:Oh, and I might not even refill the tape dispenser when it runs out!

Homer:I'm going on a vandalism spree!

Homer:I'm going to commit the most heinous acts of destruction known to man!

Homer:I'm going to... deface this stop sign!

Homer:Mr. Burns, sir, I'm worried about you. You look terrible.

Mr. Burns:Worried? About me? That's very touching, Simpson.

Homer:Well, you've been working too hard. You need to take it easy, you bongo head.

Mr. Burns:Bongo head?

Homer:Bong bong bong bong bong!

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I'm enjoying this. Keep it up!

Lenny:Oh, beautiful tone!

Carl:Listen to that resonance.

Barney:He's really got a way with the old skull.

Homer:And now for the final phase of my master plan...

Homer:Barney, will you give me a job?

Barney:Sure, Homer!

Barney:Hey Homer, you gotta get a job so I can have yours.

Uncle Al:You're fired, Barney.

Barney:Okay!

Uncle Al:Listen Homer, I'm warning you - don't mess this up or you'll end up like the last guy.

Homer:What happened to the last guy?

Uncle Al:Let's just say he left here with more than he came in with... if you know what I mean.

Homer:He got a raise?

Uncle Al:No, a pants-soiling incident that'll haunt him for the rest of his life.

Bart:Dad, you're a pin monkey? That's so cool! Way more prestigious than working at a nuclear power plant.

Homer:I know, boy. I'm living the dream.

Homer:We're on a tight budget now, so we have to cut back on luxuries.

Homer:No more quilted toilet paper. We're going back to the single-ply.

Marge:Homer, quilted toilet paper isn't a luxury.

Homer:Not a luxury? Marge, do you know what quilted means? It's fancy!

Homer:Alright, family, I have some bad news. Budget cuts mean I can only afford to send one of you to college.

Bart:Well, I'm out.

Lisa:I suppose that's fair.

Homer:Great! Problem solved!

Homer:Marge, isn't this romantic? Just you, me, and the sound of the waves.

Marge:It's beautiful, Homie.

Homer:Ugh! Sand in my pants! Sand in my shirt! Sand in places sand should never be!

Marge:Homer, you're ruining the moment.

Homer:I'm ruining it? The beach is ruining it! Who decided to put all this sand here?

Homer:Everything's perfect. I got a job, a wife, a son. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Marge:Homer, I'm pregnant.

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:Homer, why would you tell them that?

Homer:What? I'm just telling them the truth about where babies come from.

Marge:They're five years old!

Homer:Well, if the schools would do their job and teach this stuff, I wouldn't have to!

Homer:Hey guys, how's it going?

Bowling alley worker 1:Hey Homer, how's it going?

Bowling alley worker 2:Homer! How's it going?

Bowling alley worker 3:How's it going, Homer?

Homer:Welcome to the Bowling Alley! We've got shoes so comfortable, you'll forget you're wearing shoes. Bowling balls so round, you'll wonder if they're actually round. And pins so... pinny, you'll want to knock 'em down!

Homer:I call the big one 'Bitey.' Now that's advertising!

Coworker:Hey Homer, where'd you get your head polished?

Homer:I didn't polish it. It's just naturally shiny.

Homer:I'm like a modern-day Leonardo da Vinci.

Homer:Except I can't paint, sculpt, or invent anything. But I'm really good at eating donuts.

Homer:I'm gonna make it after all!

Homer:*throws hat in the air*

Dr. Hibbert:Yes, well, I may have mentioned something about selling babies, but that was just a test.

Marge:A test?!

Dr. Hibbert:To see if you were paying attention.

Lisa:I hope the baby is a girl. That way I'll have a sister.

Bart:What are you talking about? The baby's gonna be a boy. I'm gonna make sure of it.

Lisa:Bart, that's not how genetics works.

Bart:Oh yeah? Well I've been doing special exercises. I flex my man muscles and think boy thoughts. It's science.

Homer:Dear Lord, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

Homer:Dear God, I'm not asking for much. I just want things to stay exactly as they are right now, forever.

Homer:If you don't want me to eat these cookies, give me a sign.

Homer:Okay, I'm waiting... still waiting... I guess that's a yes!

Bart:Don't worry, Dad. I won't tell anyone about the pregnancy.

Homer:Thanks, son. I'm counting on you.

Bart:Hey Milhouse, you won't believe what I just heard...

Milhouse:What?

Bart:Homer's gonna have another baby!

Milhouse:No way!

Barney:Did someone say Homer's having a baby?

Lenny:That's the best news I've heard all week!

Carl:I'm telling everyone at the plant!

Moe:Homer Simpson's gonna be a father again? I'm putting this on the news ticker!

Bart:Man, I've got the whole gossip network mapped out. Moe's bar is the hub, Nelson spreads rumors at school, and my mom tells everyone at book club.

Bart:By Thursday, what started as me mentioning Lisa's weird science project is somehow the town scandal.

Homer:A little bundle of joy? Oh boy, you heard about my job at the bowling alley!

Marge:Homer, they're talking about the baby.

Homer:Oh.

Homer:Wait, wait. So the baby's gonna come out of where?

Homer:Oh, that's abstract. I like abstract.

Homer:Why is there a big banner that says 'Baby Shower'? And why are all these women here? And why is Marge wearing that weird outfit with all the ribbons?

Homer:Wait a minute... is this... oh my God, we're having a baby!

Homer:Why didn't anyone tell me?!

Homer:Wait, wait, wait. You're pregnant? Again?

Marge:Yes, Homer. We're going to have another baby.

Homer:Mmm... another baby... D'oh!

Homer:I need a donut.

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Homer:I only had one tantrum.

Homer:Wait, Bart's pregnant?

Homer:Not again! Why does this keep happening to me?

Homer:An unborn baby? That's just a ticking time bomb!

Bart:So anyway, I was telling Lisa how TV commercials are designed to manipulate your attention span...

Lisa:Actually, studies show that the average viewer loses focus after just 30 seconds of content.

Bart:Yeah, and that's why they keep making them shorter and shorter. Pretty soon they'll just be— (looks directly at camera) —oh wait, we've only been talking for like 2 minutes. Aren't you guys supposed to be watching an ad by now?

Lisa:(sighs) Bart, you're breaking the fourth wall again.

Bart:I know, but seriously, doesn't anyone else feel like this bit is going on too long?

Homer:I tells you, we're doomed! Doomed! How am I gonna feed another mouth? I can barely afford to feed the ones I got!

Bart:Hey, I know comedy. I've watched TV for like, three hours.

Homer:Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs! Fresh hot dogs!

Homer:I mean... bowling! Get your bowling! Fresh bowling!

Homer:Come on down to Bowl-a-Rama! We've got lanes, we've got shoes, we've got... uh... stuff!

Chief Wiggum:Homer, we're here because dispatch got a call about a suspicious character loitering in the street.

Homer:Well, you're here now! You wanna bowl or what?

Chief Wiggum:Is this a legitimate business?

Homer:Sure. Well, no. Not really. I was just trying to get people to come down there.

Fireman:We were dispatched for a disturbance.

Homer:Yeah, well, the only disturbance here is how bad you guys are gonna bowl.

Uncle Al:Homer, I'm impressed! You've managed to keep customers away from this place.

Uncle Al:Do you know how hard that is? Most businesses try to attract people. You've achieved the opposite.

Uncle Al:That takes real talent, boy. Real talent.

Homer:I'm gonna miss you guys so much. Remember that time we all went to Moe's and shared that pitcher of beer?

Lenny:Homer, that never happened.

Homer:Well, it happened in my dreams. And in my dreams, we're best friends.

Carl:We're already best friends, Homer.

Homer:No, I mean REAL best friends. Like in my dream where we all became astronauts and flew to the moon in a giant donut.

Barney:That sounds pretty good, Homer.

Bowling Alley Worker 1:Hey, cheer up! Why don't we go bowling?

Bowling Alley Worker 2:But we work at a bowling alley.

Mr. Burns:Simpson, you're back. I trust you'll work twice as hard to make up for your absence.

Homer:Mr. Burns, I'm insulted! Well, actually, I'm not insulted. I'm just saying that so you'll think I have feelings.

Mr. Burns:Release the plague!

Smithers:Sir, you mean the plaque.

Mr. Burns:Eh? Oh. Yes, yes, of course. Release the plaque! It's covered in the plague anyway.

The plaque's message serving as visual reinforcement of Homer's trapped situation

Homer:Why does everything happen to me? My job stinks, my boss is a jerk, I can't even get a decent beer at Moe's anymore!

Marge:Homer, I'm in labor.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, everyone's got problems. Now where did I put the remote?

Doctor:Congratulations! It's a boy!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Doctor:I'm afraid the baby is going to be a terrible burden on you. But don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to get over it.

Homer:How long?

Doctor:Oh, 18 years or so. After that, it's smooth sailing. Of course, by then you'll be dead.

Homer:Is the baby gonna be okay, Doc?

Doctor:Yes, but I'm afraid your son is going to need a blood transfusion.

Homer:Oh no! You can have some of mine, boy!

Doctor:That won't be necessary. We have plenty of type O blood on hand.

Homer:Type O? I thought he was a boy!

Doctor:He is a boy. Type O is his blood type.

Homer:Come on, Marge, try to sound a little more excited about the baby.

Marge:Okay.

Homer:That's it? That's all the enthusiasm you can muster? I said 'Okay' and I sounded more excited than that!