When Mr. Burns is saved by a transfusion of Bart's blood, Homer expects a handsome reward but is outraged to receive only a simple thank-you note.
Season 2's blood feud climax delivers 63 jokes in 22 minutes, anchored by escalating family dynamics.
Directed by David Silverman · Written by George Meyer
WAR
57.6
Wins Above Replacement
“Blood Feud” ranks #86 of 226 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 81.4 — Elite. The episode packs 63 scored jokes at 3.6 per minute, averaging 7.1 on craft and 6.8 on impact, with Burns landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
Get weekly comedy rankings
Join comedy fans getting new analyses, score drops, and the funniest moments each week. Free, no spam.
Top Jokes
The last place I saw it... was in my hand... as I was shoving it into the mailbox.
I'm B-positive. Damn this gutter blood! Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me really hit the spot.
Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to light that sign.
Burns Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch And all I really needed was the blood of a young boy.
Burns Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Listen to me, you bargain-basement Baudelaire! I'm not a starlet who can't string two words together. I can write this thing myself! You're fired!
Burns Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 63 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to light that sign.
Burns Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch He's never late. Something's wrong. Nobody leaves "Diamond Joe" Quimby holding the bag!
Quimby Character Comedy Setup/Punchline No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me.
Burns Character Comedy Observational He's suffering from what we call hypohemia. It's a lack of blood. Damn it, I know what it is! What can we do about it?
Skip it. Just leave me enough to get home.
Burns Dark/Subversive Character Comedy I'm B-positive. Damn this gutter blood! Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me really hit the spot.
I'd give, except for one thing. What? I don't wanna.
You don't wanna cash in? That's why you losers are stuck in this crummy job. I'm your supervisor. Sorry, sir.
Lemur. Lemur. Zebu. Zebu.
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy An ox with a hump and a dewlap. Hump and dewlap. Hump and dewlap.
My shoe size? 4-B. How many teeth do I have? Sixteen. Ring? Don't wear them. But three. Allergies? Butterscotch. And? Monster makeup.
How many hairs on my head? Homie, you have lots of hair.
I don't have to give blood. I have rights. Yeah, the right to remain silent.
You know 'Hercules and the Lion'? Is it a Bible story? Probably.
How did a lion get rich? It was the olden days!
Otto-man! You work here? All my friends are in school... so I got a job as a bloodletting tech-dude!
Charles Montgomery Burns: American... and patriot. American patriot.
Burns Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement O, tyrant, hear his mighty name and quake! Smithers, I'm back! Top of the morning to ye!
Burns Escalation Misdirection Hey, there, Mr. Brown Shoes. How about that local sports team, huh?
Burns Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch I tried every tincture, poultice, tonic and medicine there is. And all I really needed was the blood of a young boy.
Mr. Burns Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch And all I really needed was the blood of a young boy.
Burns Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch The son of Homer, a stiff in 7-G.
Burns Character Comedy Setup/Punchline D'oh! It's just a card!
Homer Reaction Beat Character Comedy Is that some way to show your gratitude? No gold, no diamonds. No rubies, not even a lousy card! Wait, there was a card. That's what got me so mad!
Homer Escalation Misdirection ★ Rewatch You're living in a world of make-believe. With bells and magic frogs with funny hats.
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink!
Homer Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy You are a senile, bucktoothed old mummy... with bony girl arms and you smell like.... An elephant's butt? An elephant's butt.
You always do that hand thing. And it usually works.
Homer Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Think very carefully. Where did you see it last? The last place I saw it... was in my hand... as I was shoving it into the mailbox.
The last place I saw it... was in my hand... as I was shoving it into the mailbox.
D'oh! Why did you do that? There were things that had to be said. And I know you. There was no guarantee you'd still be mad this morning.
I'll show you mad in the morning! Homer, you encouraged him. You should be strangling yourself!
But don't other people have mail? So they won't get letters. You know the letters people write. 'Dear somebody... how is so-and-so? Blah, blah, blah. Yours truly, Some Bozo.' Big loss.
Bart Homer Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch God! Are you planning to water the mail? It wouldn't do any good to run because you know my name, right? That's right. Well, I'm still gonna run!
Have you slept with anyone famous? Countess von Zeppelin and l-- What in blaze--?
Listen to me, you bargain-basement Baudelaire! I'm not a starlet who can't string two words together. I can write this thing myself! You're fired!
Burns Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. What's your first name? I don't know.
Oh, look, Maggie! What is that? Dodecahedron! Dodecahedron!
Homer Callback Absurdist Callback Give a fake name. Homer Simpson.
I could crush him like an ant. But it would be easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until.... What the hell, I'll just crush him.
Burns Escalation Misdirection ★ Rewatch Senile, eh? Bucktoothed, am I? Bony arms, are they? Liver spots, did I? Shameless, will you?
Burns Callback Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Now that's odd. I've just robbed a man of his livelihood and yet I feel empty. Tell you what, have him beaten to a pulp!
Burns Dark/Subversive Escalation You can move in with your sisters and raise the kids and I'll... die in a gutter. It's practical and within our means.
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Beat him up. You got it. Wait. What is it? Nothing. Wait. What? Beat, but... don't kick. Got it. Wait. What?
What did Homie do anyway? He saved Mr. Burns' life.
I'm sorry. But I just couldn't hurt Homer. He saved you. I see.
You've been the sober ying to my raging yang.
Burns Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy You've been the sober ying to my raging yang.
Burns Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch. Hold on, I'll check. Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
One of these days, I'm gonna catch you... and carve my name on your back with an ice pick.
Moe Dark/Subversive Escalation One of these days, I'm gonna catch you... and carve my name on your back with an ice pick.
Moe Dark/Subversive Escalation We'll get the Simpsons an extravagant present. An unthinkable, utterly impossible present! A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present!
Burns Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch A pool table? I'm not going to turn his home into a saloon.
Burns Character Comedy Observational Don't you dare sully this moment with your price-taggery.
Burns Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Have you beaten to a bloody pulp?
Burns Dark/Subversive Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Wow! A crowbar! It's to open the crate, stupid.
Wow! A big, ugly head! D'oh!
Wow! A big, ugly head! D'oh!
Homer Visual Gag Reaction Beat This gruesome customer is Xtapolapocetl, the god of war.
Burns Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun No, Maggie, not Aztec. Olmec. Olmec.
Lisa Character Comedy Callback Callback What does it do? Nothing. Really, what does it do? Whatever it does, it's doing it now.
I guess the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded. Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that letter... we would've gotten nothing. Well.... The moral is, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Perhaps there is no moral. Exactly! Just stuff that happened.
Perhaps there is no moral. Exactly! Just stuff that happened.
Lisa Homer Meta/Self-Referential Absurdist ★ Rewatch Top Episodes — The Simpsons
